DoubleDragons

I have been NC with my alcoholic mom and enabler father since March. I have made it clear to them that I love them, I would be there for them for emergencies or if they sought help, but otherwise I cannot have them in my life or my children's lives due to the nightmare my mom's alcoholism has been in our lives. Anyway, other than a few random texts, they have not contacted us either.

Today, I got an onslaught of texts from my mom repeatedly calling me "Cruel". When I said that she was cruel for picking alcohol over her family, she said that she and my dad can have drinks if they want to and that I am cruel in my actions.

I know that I am right, but the little girl in me feels sick and guilty and mean and questioning. Anyway, please talk me straight.

LexieCat

Sticks and stones...

Words DO hurt, but only if we let them. Her words are a product of the disease, like everything that led you to cut off contact. Can you block the texts? Are there family members who would let you know if there were a true emergency you'd want to know about?

ByHisLove

You are not cruel. You are protecting yourself and your children from a problem that they are too deluded see right now. She is right that they can drink if they want to, but you don't have to stand by and let it hurt you and your family. You aren't wrong, stick strongly to what you've decided is best for you.

Have you ever attended Al-Anon to help you deal with setting healthy boundaries and to help you learn how to cope with having alcoholism in your family?

biminiblue

I'm sorry, DD.

My mother was really good at saying mean things, too. It cuts to the bone. Or to the heart. When she died I felt relief and then guilt for feeling relief; it's confusing for sure.

We will be your SR moms in spirit this Christmas. I don't have any kids. I promise I won't drink. Pinky swear.

((hug))

MIRecovery

She is likely drunk and somewhere in her clouded mind she knows you are right. Alcohol is calling the shots and your actions are threatening her alcoholism so of course she is not a happy camper.

For 20 years I tried to find a way to be an alcoholic without the consequences. I never found it so I gave up drinking. You are doing the right thing

FireSprite

So even after NINE MONTHS to think about it, her best response is that she is allowed to drink if she wants, nanny-nanny-boo-boo?

With nine months to think about it she still comes to you with aggression &verbal manipulation? She's testing to see if you'll cave..... exactly how firm ARE those boundaries?

Quack, quack, quack. This is her disease talking and the upcoming holidays are probably triggering this onslaught. Can you fully block her texts/calls?

You are the farthest thing from Cruel for wanting to protect your children from this. (((((((((HUGS)))))))))

qtpi

Don't know if this is helpful- my STBXAH called me cruel and brutal because I wanted him to give up alcohol. I guess when alcohol is what you live for - maybe this request seems cruel and brutal. I am not A so I don't know for sure.

Bekindalways

Big hug double dragons. Moms have so much power over us. Thanks for using your Mom-power to protect your kids.

Breathe into that guilt; let it come and let is go (unfortunately it will keep coming back again and again if you are anything like me - argh!). Be super kind to yourself and let us know how you are doing!!!

SparkleKitty

They ARE allowed to have drinks if they want to. They are ALSO allowed to feel the consequences of their actions.

And you are allowed to have peace in your life.

The only cruel thing would be to subject yourself and your children to the nightmare of someone else's addiction.

carolineno

Yup, when I told STBXAH he had to get help and give up his drug of choice, he actually had the nerve to ask "why are you doing this to me?" I was enraged at the time, but it is also a sad illustration of how they view everything in terms of how it affects them and their relationship with their substance. He never gave a care (and still doesn't) to the amount of pain his addiction was putting us all through. The focus is always on them. I suppose I consider STBXAH a bit brain damaged at this point, since this line of thinking is so bizarre to me.

And my A mom hasn't spoken to me, any siblings, or her grandchildren since I refused to sort through her hoarder mess during a forced move ten years ago. The problem is never them. Very sad. Wishing all of us some peace this season!

LexieCat

Yeah, I just want to reinforce that you are protecting yourself and your family. "Cruel" would be if you continued subjecting all of you to her toxic rants. I think she's made it virtually impossible to have a loving relationship with her. It's far kinder to detach, under the circumstances, than it is to respond in kind or sacrifice your own mental health for the sake of continuing to be her punching bag.

NewRomanMan

Amen!

LexieCat

You can see her "Don't be Cruel" and raise her "You Ain't Nothin' but a Hound Dog."

DoubleDragons

Thank you all so much. After a particularly mean text from her, I told her that I was blocking her. She then went on to send harassing texts to my four children, trying to manipulate them . . .

"Please remember the good times . . . " to berating them and telling them they were old enough to know what is right and that they had better be apologizing to she and my father soon. I asked my kids (all teenagers) to block her right now, as we need peace.

I hate addiction.

DoubleDragons

I don't in any way mean to age anyone here, but you ladies have been my spiritual moms over the years in more ways than you know. I have a notebook FULL of quotes taken from you. Sage advice. I appreciate you more than you know and this quote means a lot, Bimini. xo

biminiblue

I mean it, too. I don't have any family. You all mean a lot to me, too.

Bekindalways

Big hug to you DoubleDragon. I hope you can heal from these texts. Cutting a family member off is so dang dad blasted tough!!!

theuncertainty

Sending hugs, DoubleDragons. Just wanted to chime in with support: There's nothing cruel in taking steps to create a safe space for you and your kids. You're totally within your rights to block her alcoholism and manipulations from your and your kids' lives. (And holy mackerel, what a piece of work to start in on bugging them after you block her.)

hearthealth

Thank you for this suggestion.

PhoenixJ

DD- talking you straight. You are a good person. Prayers to you and for your family. Addiction sucks. PJ