Kboys

And I don’t want her to.

It’s been just over a year now that Separated AH went to jail.
In a nutshell, she blamed me, and sent me a string of emails telling me all the reasons why she thinks I’m not the “woman my family needs,” and how much better she was as a mother to young children than I am… no wonder AH was unhappy, etc, etc. She hasn’t apologized.

I too said some things in my emails that I wish I would not have…. I’ve never apologized either, and quite honestly I don’t want to.

I have seen her a few times since then when she has stopped by to see the boys, and she came to DS3 birthday party in March.

She’s pleasant and nice as she was before, like everything’s fine. I’m as nice as I can be I suppose, but it all just feels so fake and I don’t like it at all. I would prefer to just have nothing to do with her, but she is my children’s grandmother and she is good to them, so….

AH is sober since May (this time) and making progress from what I see, and what he tells me, although I know I don’t know everything and I know things could change at any moment…

What I do know though, is that the boys enjoy their time with him lately
I’ve been able to count on him the last couple of months since I’ve been without full time day care to pick them up from school two days per week and be with them until I get home. I was never able to count on him when he lived with me.
He has to blow into an interlock ignition device before his truck will start, so I know he is not drinking while he drives them…. He only has to have the IID for another six months or something like that, so I will not feel so secure when that is taken out… but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it… anyway…

So we planned for AH to come to my house for Christmas morning / day, and my parents are coming later on for dinner. Fine.

But now I just received an email from MIL, who has invited herself also. Her other two children are going to be with their significant others’ families so she can’t intrude on them.

She has gifts to bring for the kids.
She offered to bring prime rib for dinner and help cook (of course, because she thinks I am incapable of planning and executing a decent meal)…
And the best part is she invited herself to spend the night at MY house so she doesn’t have to drive back on the icy roads at night. WTF?

AH lives in a studio cabin so there is “not room” for her… God forbid AH gave up his bed for her… or she slept on his floor… or um, I don’t know, got a hotel room?!

I’m not sure what she’s thinking… that because AH and I are friendly and co-parenting well (for now) that means she thinks she can be back in my life like nothing has changed?
Maybe she’s hoping or has been given the impression that AH and I are getting back together (we’re not… and anyway I don’t know why she’d want that since I am such a deplorable wife/mother/housekeeper/human being)
I don’t mind her coming over to drop off gifts… maybe stay for a bit, but taking over my kitchen AND my spare room for the night!?

I’ve not responded to her, or talked to AH about it.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to request that she not spend the night, and I plan to.

Is it unreasonable that I request that she not stay for dinner?
Am I just being stubborn and immature?

Part of my concern I think is that I don’t want to fall back into old patterns with AH. I’m standing my ground right now, but I think this would just be one more thing to make things feel just a little too comfortable, and make it a little harder for me to continue to stand my ground… if that makes sense…
And also I just don’t want to hang out with her for longer than I have to!

Thanks for reading

AnvilheadII

it's your house and your life, babes! you get to call the shots now.

firebolt

It does make sense, and I agree with Anvil.

"Dinner is covered and the Kids and I want the house to ourselves that night" seems perfectly reasonable to me!

suki44883

Maybe you can tell her she is welcome to come with your husband and visit with the kids in the morning for a while, but that you all have other plans for the rest of the day and dinner. It's true...you do have plans with your parents for dinner.

If she doesn't like that idea, oh well. You have every right to decide who you want and don't want in your home.

Maudcat

Hi, Kboys. hmmm. Always tricky negotiating the in-law pathways, especially with her son pursuing recovery. Gotta say, though, that it's pretty nervy of her to invite herself for the day, the dinner, AND the night. Especially given the email history. Sounds like she doesn't want to be alone on Christmas day. The other sibs have made different plans, so..tag, you're it! As Anvil said, your house, your rules. If she wants to come by, give gifts, have a little eggnog, great. But dinner is a your-parents only affair and already planned. Then turn her excuse for staying the night back on her. Of course, she will be wanting to get back on the road and home before late afternoon, when the roads ice up. Thanks for coming. Bye. If dinner is off the table--yes, pun intended--then her reason for staying the night collapses. Good luck.

aasharon90

Id say, go with your plan that is already
in place and stick with it. Say a prayer
asking for guidance in making the right
decision for all involved and keep kindness
in your heart.

Kboys

I just text with AH, who said it was basically his suggestion to her that she invite herself over, but he was planning on talking to me about it first.
He feels bad for her, "the lady never gets invited anywhere" he said.

He said part of the reason she wants to spend the night is the two of them have plans the day after Christmas to look at houses for her to purchase and him to fix up so they can flip them... whatever...

So I suggested to him that maybe she could stay with him, and that they could even borrow my air mattress. He said he "didn't think it would be a problem" for me, but they'd "figure it out."

As far as dinner... ugh, I think I'll be giving in on that.
I kind of feel bad for her too. So I'm going to tell her she and AH are welcome to stay for an early dinner with my parents and the kids and I before they go back to his place, but the food is all under control, she doesn't need to bring anything.
I feel okay about this, but I'm going to have to keep the sick man's prayer in mind

Thanks everybody

TobeC

Always remember that "no" is a complete sentence. It doesn't need any explanation behind it.

Bekindalways

Argh Kboys. This sounds tough. I hope it goes well whatever happens.

LexieCat

Sounds like a reasonable compromise, all things considered. If she's unpleasant you can vow never to do it again.

And yes to the prayer!

Maudcat

Welp, taking the high road is never a bad thing. Wasn't going to say it while you were deliberating, K, but kids benefit from having a grandma, as long as she is not toxic to them. Speaking as a grandma, you understand. Peace.

maia1234

Kb,
You are a good momma. Try it once. If disaster strikes, you never have to do it again. Merry Christmas my friend!!!