When everybody hates you
 

Having a hard time. Maybe it's the holidays and events, but I just can't seem to catch a break. In the past week, I've dealt with the anniversary of my mom's death, my father in law's death the same day, my estranged AH blaming me he can't go to funeral 1200 miles away (tomorrow) (no license), AH family completely cutting me off like I don't exist after 18 years married , a break up of a few month long relationship (lots of pot smoking by him), pot smoking friends who scream at me for being unhappy or miserable when I don't want to hang out because I don't smoke, and my own siblings barely acknowledging me anymore after both parents died last year.

I know that things go in streaks, but I just feel like crawling in a hole waiting for it all to pass. Every time I express nicely that someone's actions hurt me, I get viciously attacked or dismissed. I don't know what to do, and these situations are causing me to despair. There's a common denominator, me, so I have to accept some responsibility for these relationships going bad. I do have a few friends left, but no family nearby. Also, now I'll be completely alone for the holidays. What do you do when everyone hates you? How do you like yourself when so many are cutting you down?

I'm so sorry, Francis :( That sounds really hard. I really don't think they hate you even though it doesn't feel good and it feels like they do. Keep your heard up.

Alanon would help with this. I learned to ask myself "what's MY part in this?" and, when necessary, work on my character defects. I learned to avoid relationships with alcoholics, who just weren't the right people for me to be involved with.

I found this dynamic of recovery to be positively SHOCKING.

Here I was, so happy to be getting healthy. So full of clarity in so many new ways... and everyone around me was just plain awful. They took my recovery as a personal attack against everything they were already judging themselves for, in their own lives. Don't accept their garbage, that's just them projecting all over you. :hug:

If it's the 1st year without your mom, it's going to be hard no matter what else is happening.... next year will be easier. I'm sorry you are dealing with a lot of darkness right now but I truly believe that absolutely nothing lasts forever. Nothing. Hang in there & do some really wonderful things for yourself this week, spoil You as much as possible. Me - I'd get back to basics & make sure I was staying hydrated, sleeping enough, getting my vitamins & daily exercise to increase those endorphins. Turn up a good CD & dance around your house like a fool, eat a bunch of dark chocolate, call a friend & ask them what is happening in their world & refuse to indulge yourself in thinking about your own for a while.

Remember, people can have all the silly little opinions about you that they want - it doesn't make them RIGHT. :grouphug:

Part of my morning meditation is a prayer I picked up from an Alanon meeting. One part of it goes a little something like this...

"....help me to remember that all the anger and pain projected toward me is just the anger and pain the other person is feeling toward themselves".....

Those may not be the exact words but when I read them each morning I remember that I am dealing with some very sick individuals who like to blame you for everything that is wrong.

Sorry you are having to deal with this, especially at this time of year.

Many hugs to you!

I am so sorry for all you are going through.

My X and his wonderful wife are on a path of badmouthing me to anyone who will listen. I accept that his family is his, and that there is nothing I can do about what they believe, or not. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Check around with some churches. Our Celebrate Recovery meets even on Christmas . It's Potluck, and while not a lot go, I have been and had a nice time.

Many, Many hugs to you.

Wow St. Francis! In the midst of your pain, you say this >>>>"There's a common denominator, me, so I have to accept some responsibility for these relationships going bad. "

My hat is off to you for courage, and humility. Send a bit of that my way.

I have lost some major friendships in the past few years and man does it hurt. And yep that common denominator, "me" is tough to look at.

I second what Firesprite said >>>> " I'd get back to basics & make sure I was staying hydrated, sleeping enough, getting my vitamins & daily exercise to increase those endorphins. Turn up a good CD & dance around your house like a fool, eat a bunch of dark chocolate."

Stay close and let us know how you get on no matter how long the nights nor how dark things are!!

Dear st Francis.
You and I have a lot in common this year. I think the distance you feel from your family could be more about you getting better than anyone hating you. When there is pathology in a person or group that they refuse to own, they have to blame somebody else.

Francis,
I am sorry for what is going on in your life, its very hard, especially with the holidays so close. When times were very low for me, i would take deep breaths, and say the serenity prayer a million times a day and night. God will walk you through this, my friend. You have been on SR since 2005. You have put up with so much stuff. You are a strong, caring, brave and beautiful women!! You can do this!!

You know who you are. You deserve none of that BS that everyone is giving you. Step away from them, don't listen to them. The farther I got away from being "friends" with my axh, the better person I came.

It is not your job in life to make other people happy. In fact it is hard enough for you to take care of myself. Work on yourself. Make a list of the good qualities you see in yourself, and read them, over and over. That is truly who you are!!

I know that you say that you are alone for the holidays. Have you ever thought about helping out at a soup kitchen on Christmas. Talk about making you feel good. I did it one Thanksgiving and it was awesome. These people have no homes, or family. They have only the clothes on your back. You have so much more then them and you can give them a smile or hug or a kind word. Then if someone asks what you did for Christmas, you tell them, they will think you are awesome as you are giving back to the less fortunate.

One day at a time.. It is very overwhelming to think of the big picture and plan. But we always know that we can make it through today. Hugs!!!

Saint Francis, I would be feeling down as well. Sometimes you pay a price for doing the right thing by yourself, and standing up to people's nonsense.
Stay calm, look after yourself, and try to reach out to others in small ways, to make their lives a little better. I hope things will turn around for you soon, and next year will be a positive one for you.

I understand, St. Francis. I went NC with my alcoholic mother and extremely enabling father earlier this year and this will be the first Christmas that I won't spend with them and I am middle aged! I thought my sister was the one ally in all of this, but she betrayed me by trying to hurt my marriage, so now she and her family are out of my life, too. I feel like an orphan this Christmas. I feel like my work people hate me because I have a naturally happy demeanor and they hate their lives, so it is a miserable environment to go into every day. In short, I have worked so hard to get healthier and yet in some ways it has backfired on me. Honestly, I think I put way too much kindness and trust in relationships that didn't deserve that and so now my trust factor with all people is all wonky. I do believe that right after our darkest hours is the brightest sunshine. So this is just one of these times you just hold on. One day at a time . . . . hugs and support I send to you. I understand.

So sorry you're dealing with all of this St. Francis - esp right before the holidays! There seems to be a common theme here that when we start become healthier, standing up for ourselves & what's right, setting boundaries we become targets for these people's anger & hate. We become the problem, not them! I too feel like an orphan this Christmas as I've had to go NC with my family of origin as I couldn't stand one more second of their dysfunction; ending other toxic relationships in my life as I've started to wake up & realize it's okay to ask for what I need for myself; realizing these people have nothing to give back, they're only takers! I try to look at it as I'm now leaving room to attract healthy relationships into my life by getting rid of the unhealthy ones. I'm focusing on my 2 adult children & setting the best example I can for them of what healthy relationships look like, trying to be okay most of the time with this. I too try to stick with the basics during the tough times; eating healthy, exercising regularly, getting out into nature whenever I can, remembering what I have to be grateful for, getting out with some meetup groups in our city to listen to live music, theater, etc when I'm feeling particularly alone & craving social contact. Last evening I turned up the music & was dancing around the house "like a fool". Felt much better after! Hope there is some light that shines through for you this week & remember you're not alone, there are those of us here who understand. Hugs to you!

Think of this holiday, 2016, as the real deal. This is you being you after what you've been through--and it's a gift to yourself. Christmas too often is what we believe in the sappy movies we see, or in the whitewashed family portraits that don't portray the truth.

As for me, I can't wait for my kids to come down, but our "perfect family Christmases" are expiring. My oldest son will not come and he wrote his dad a long heartfelt letter explaining exactly why (AHs drinking and broking promises to the family).

AH is pretty incapable of doing anything. He has all of his stuff from his home office in the living room because two weeks ago he bought paint. The house is depressing. I can't decorate until he gets all the crap back in his office.

The other kids are envisioning a happy time around the fire pit, and it's true that just being together is a blessing. But they don't see what I see and when they do, it will be painful. I don't have a good feeling about 2017--given my fairly fragile but hopeful resolve to claim my life + AHs declining health.

I feel sad. I can't project and I must take one day at a time, but the writing is on the wall, so I'll find the joy where I can this year.

Hope that's not a diversion--I just wanted to say that you have done the brave thing, and you have to expect some painful backlash.

But, since your user name is St. Francis, I suspect you are into Christian saints and mystics, so I'll quote another one--Julian of Norwich: "All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well."

Hang in there.

saint francis.....sometimes, when you are changing for the better...the A'holes around you will try to pull y ou back down......

This isn't about you...it is about them......

You may need to try some new pastures......

Or how about this for the New Year. Your STBX and all his family and friends you will have no need to feel like you have to try and be around them. If they hate you, move on, find new friends, new circles of life. Otherwise you will be trying to make them happy this time next year and the year after that.

Then all you will need to do is find happiness for one person.......you.

Way easier than trying to contort yourself around trying to make peace for people that aren't in your life anyway.

This place is such a god-send. The encouraging words and people who can relate help me more than just about anything. I did get unfriended by some STBX family members, I still don't talk to STBX, I'm still broken up from BF, and friends are still smoking. I, however, in spite of the pain, will carry on...wiser and more cautious of the company I keep and those I help.

St Francis-

When I was struggling along these lines my wise therapist said to me:

"People don't like it when people-pleasers change."

At first it was a comfort to hear that, then it became a mantra and a badge of honor.

When I am getting hate, venom and other's stuff thrown at me it is my shield as I try to stay in my own seat.

I know it hurts, but I think you are doing amazing just because you are being present with it.

Not EVERYONE hates you
 

because you do not know EVERYONE.

Oh do you sound like me. I posted how my niece disowned me the other day for expressing my dismay over some treatment. I apparently also hurt her feelings a few months ago so she cut me loose. I do not speak to my Mother, sister, or my Mother's sister because of how terrible they treat me as the family scapegoat. There are lots of articles online about this.

It seems the super sensitive people end up in this role. My husband is estranged from his twin brother, and two of his own kids. They also decided to make me the scapegoat, but he was not standing for it. I do not think they expected him to react like he did.

These estrangements cause me a great deal of emotional pain. I have had a pattern in my life where when I am hurting, I just hurt myself more to cover it up. Even after many years of therapy, I still do this. I am doing it now with the drinking that is just further ruining my life. I need to find a better way to deal with this emotional pain.

You need some perspective. Not everything can be your fault and not everyone hates you. I have to tell myself that daily. People are damaged. It does not make you a bad person. Look online at gas lighting and scapegoating. Being able to put it in perspective helps.

Look how much you have overcome! Breaking that cycle you were in is very meaning and brave. I hate the holidays too so we travel instead. If I were home though and did not have anywhere to be I would binge watch Netflix, eat Chinese food, and stay in my pajamas. Normally there would be alcohol too, but I cannot do that anymore.

Just find something to do. Volunteer for a soup kitchen. Go to a movie. Read a book you have been wanting to read. Cook a fabulous meal for yourself. Give yourself a pedicure and facial. Take care and you are not alone.

I don't think they "hate" you - you are just witnessing the escalation of behavior. When bullying does not work as expected, the bully will escalate and "shake the tree harder".

Time to change the friends' circle. As for in-laws - so be it. My ex MIL is currently pouring that noone is coming for Christmas - guess what, she never invited me and DS - can only blame herself. Can't help here there:)

Take care of yourself. They don't matter. You do:)

When I feel this way I find that the Do It Anyway prayer often helps me...

God, help me to accept that people may be unreasonable and self-centred. Let me forgive them anyway.
Help me to accept that if I’m kind, people may accuse me of ulterior motives. Let me be kind anyway.
Help me to accept that if I find happiness, people may be jealous. Let me be happy anyway.
Help me to accept that the good I do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Let me do good anyway.
Help me to accept that I may give the world my best, and it may never be good enough. Let me give my best anyway.
God, help me to remember that it is between you and me. It was never between me and them anyway.

I also found that the CoDa handbook helped me gain some perspective. As did getting some better friends .

Take care. And remember, it isn't between you and 'them'.