qtpi

I have been out 6 months and 20 days now. Thank goodness no contact. I did not want to be manipulated, made to feel guilty, etc. And I wanted a break to think. When I left, I thought my marriage still had a chance. I believed we could recover. But I needed a break badly and I needed to protect myself. Now that I have been gone, I no longer hold any hope for the marriage. He would have to be sober at least a year and he would have to recover his old personality. I think too much damage has been done and he will never be the man I married.

I feel like I am in limbo now- in this way. I am trying to figure out the course of the rest of my life. I had lived for so long in the marriage- and thought life would continue to be as it was. And its all changed.
I kept my friends and lost my neighbors- gained new neighbors. I no longer attend the fitness club we belonged to. I was working part time- I am almost full time now. And we had planned for retirement.

I have not received alimony and the financial settlement is still pending with no set date. I would like to retire some day and work a bit less now. I would like to live in a place that's big enough for a table and chairs for meals. Not complaining- just trying to figure out what I want out of life going forward.

And I hope the finances will be sorted out in the next six months. My kids are grown- DS won't speak to me. DD lives on the other coast- I have no grand kids. I can go live anywhere I want. I just have to figure out what I want now and whether I can afford it financially.

I like people and I love my friends so it may be best to stay right here in my community. I have dreamed of having a water view- my sister lives right on the beach-

Until the financial settlement it seems like I can't make any decisions- but maybe it is for the best. Maybe this will give me time to think. But it feels like I am just waiting.

Hayfmr

I know how you feel. Its been just over 5 months since the STBEXAW left. However we have been in contact with each other. Sure has been peaceful though to not have to witness someone wasted on alcohol most of the time. I have a financial settlement proposal to present her whenever she decides to sober up enough to talk to for a brief moment. I am like you sitting in limbo, cant make any big decisions or get on with my life. Luckily though I have a good relationship with our kids. They are fed up with her drinking too.

TobeC

I guess I'm old fashioned and believe if the toaster is broken, you get it fixed and not jump on the Internet and buy a new one. I also love comebacks and if a loved one is truly in recovery and committed to his or her sobriety what the heck is the big deal of trying to be friends again and working on staying together. Time is free. feel that there is no such thing as a perfectly healthy relationship and we all have flaws...we are humans. My wife and I are working on ourselves first and with Gods guidance maybe we will keep our 27 year marriage intact. I know I have no right to push and her feelings are real. Only time will heal us both. God speed friend.

LexieCat

qtpi has been enduring a prolonged divorce process from an abusive, cruel alcoholic, who is manipulating their children to turn them against her. She's not "jumping on the Internet" to buy a new husband because he's broken.

Read a little of people's histories here before you lay guilt trips on them, would you, please?

AnvilheadII

excuse me TOBE, but her "toaster" burned the house down. and just about took her with it. it's wonderful that in your 7 months of sobriety, you and your wife are working towards repairing and restoring your marriage. but that doesn't mean that is the path every spouse of an addict "should" take......not when there is a history of abuse and disrespect and destruction.

TobeC

Sheesh, I was talking in generalities and not specific to her situation. I guess you guys should drag me out back and kick my guts in. If you really take the time to read my post you will note that none of it and I mean none of it was directed at the original poster. So, no guilt trip, no advice was given just a gentle post about the value in hope and trying to keep it together when it is possible. Wow.

AnvilheadII

and I mean none of it was directed at the original poster.

so then what was the point?

I guess I'm old fashioned and believe if the toaster is broken, you get it fixed and not jump on the Internet and buy a new one.

hey, here's an idea....why don't you start your own thread and share what has been and is in your own life? you have yet to "introduce" yourself to SR.......and just to make sure, you know this is the Friends and Family OF Alcoholics, right? i see all of your posts have been exclusively to this forum. there are many other forums FOR the addicted one.

TobeC

My father was a raging alcoholic and it runs deep in my wife's family as well, so I'm qualified to be here. Have a great night.

Bekindalways

Qtpi, during this waiting time you do seem to be healing, growing and dreaming. I hope this is true. Is your STBXAH in any kind of recovery?

I was never married to my qualifier and am curious about you all who have sought divorce: what was your reaction when the divorce went through? Did it bring closure? I would expect it would bring another layer of grief in some ways.

TobeC do you post on the Adult Children of Alcoholics thread? And if so have you found it helpful?

LexieCat

Oh, and qtpi, sorry for the digression, there. You sound great, under trying circumstances. I know it's hard to be patient, but just wanted to give you props for your progress--this WILL pass.

Hugs!

maia1234

Q,
You sound amazing. This is not a race, but a marathon my friend. Look how far you have come over the last 6 months, the clarity that you have. Take this time and figure it out. Don't force a solution that you will later regret. You will be surprised, but things always seem to fall into place. Keep the faith that this is God's plan for us, it is out of our hands.

TobeC,
We all come here hoping to fix our toaster, "not" shop the Internet for a new one. That's why we r here. I congratulate you on your sobriety. I just read 1 in 13 alcoholics will succeed in sobriety. Vegas would not bet on you.

Q, moved out 6 months ago and has worked her program she deserves serenity in her home. We appreciate your response from the alcoholic side, but what you said is a tough sentence. Making this statement you are saying that she has not "worked" hard enough to save her marriage. She has taken her time and made her decision. We need to respect the good or bad choices of each member of this forum, and support them for that. Making someone feel guilty for the choices they made is not what we are here for.

Two years ago I divorced my A after 34 years together, 26 married. No one is going to tell me that I did not try to fix my toaster. You have no idea what I have walked through the last 20 years. Thanks for your input, but remember people who are struggling in an abusive relationship could read this and feel they have not worked hard enough to save it, instead of getting out. Please try and find some compassion for everyone here, that's why we are all here, my friend!!

qtpi

Bekind- my STBXAH is not in recovery.

Maia, Anvilhead, and Lexiecat- thank you so much for having my back. My STBXAH is bad news- a self-centered, selfish, abusive, manipulative alcoholic and pot head. I am well rid of him.

ToB- interesting that your first post, a month ago in November, "I've decided that eventually starting over with someone else may be my best option as the whole detachment with love concept is ... toxic to my recovery."

So now your tune has changed in a few short weeks- less than 2 months. You are keeping the "broken" toaster you have. Is that because you yourself couldn't find a new toaster on the Internet?

I wouldn't take STBXAH back if he were the last toaster on the planet!

I have noticed in your posts you like to steer others towards feeling guilty. Very much like my STBXAH. The last letter he sent me sounds very much like your recent post. You could be channelling STBXAH.

Between now and dead, why would I want to waste any time with someone who changes his mind about me- and spreads guilt with a spatula? I will never get this time back and today I am surrounded by people who love and support me.

Your analogy with the toaster is right on in one way- my STBXAH treated me like an object- someone with no feelings he could manipulate.


People who are in abusive relationships like mine often feel guilt they do not deserve... and it can keep you stuck. I was a very good wife. STBXAH has mistreated me again and again. Again I assure you I am well rid of him.

I did get a belly laugh about the toaster reference though.

TobeC

Thanks for the words of encouragement. And, the actual statistics regarding recovery have always been notoriously difficult to ascertain. I do know that there is no cookie cutter alcoholic. In my case, I have a great job, house that is mine, great bunch of kids,I've never been arrested and I guess my bottom was pretty shallow comparatively. And, relapse doesn't always mean return to full blown alcoholism. It could simply mean a slip up.

AnvilheadII

daaaang QTPI, that was an awesome post. your sense of SELF is amazing.

Between now and dead, why would I want to waste any time with someone who changes his mind about me- and spreads guilt with a spatula? I will never get this time back and today I am surrounded by people who love and support me.

qtpi

Thanks anvilhead. By the way ah has a great job no debt owns his house and has never been arrested. I wonder if he thinks he is the exception to the cookie cutter alcoholic. More references to kitchen tools. Lol.

qtpi

My kids are awesome too.

LexieCat

Yeah, but YOU get to be the trash-compactor! You're crushing it!

And yes, I'm sure he thinks he doesn't fit the mold. He seems plenty moldy to ME.

AnvilheadII

i'm just glad you are no longer in the pressure cooker!

letitend

The kitchen references are *awesome*. keep dishing them out, serve while hot.

Bekindalways

Wow Q, I'm hoping that between "now and dead" you do some writing . . . if nothing else just for the amusement of this forum!

And please continue to . . . . Beware the Toasters!!