Ladybird579

but am going to anyway. Feel free to scroll down. Today is my twin boy's 18th birthday. I arranged a party buffet at our flat, despite having zero space, as they are going to see siblings tomorrow ( arranged by me cos of what I knew would happen below) and the severally autistic son cannot handle two outings in 24 hours or we'd have gone out to celebrate instead.

What had happened was Exah promised them first a day out, then a meal out, then a trip to Mac Donald's. The outings went down as the days went by so I decided, given they are going out tomorrow with siblings and, I didn't trust exah to do anything anyway, to do something here. Exah has $80k left from the sale of what was once the marital home (and don't start me on that one) in the bank ( ds saw his bank statement) so could have made an effort for them but he needs the money to drink his life away. I invited him to see the boys here and bring them presents even tho I cannot stand being in the same room as him and I'd already seen him in town on Wednesday and he was drunk with filthy, faeces soiled clothes on. ( wiping his backside was never a priority).

However he phoned our son's at 11 am this morning absolutely off his face drunk saying "He was too ill to visit" Now I know this man of old. I know he never delivers, cannot step up and thinks of no one but himself cos he's a selfish pig but my boys still hold onto hope. Both were crushed. They are gutted as they are now faced with the evidence he is still drinking, and upset he tried to ruin their day and he didn't care. We had the buffet, they were very subdued and both have gone to their rooms.

All they will remember of this, a landmark birthday, is he let them down. I am beyond angry. I don't want him blighting their lives anymore but he just won't go away and he manipulates my sons by making them feel sorry for him. I feel bad for hoping he will die. I am crying with rage today.

LexieCat

I'm sorry, Ladybird. I think about all you can do is to acknowledge their disappointment and remind them that their dad cannot be counted on when he's drinking. Remind them that what he does has nothing to do with their value as people, nor with yours.

They are old enough for Al-Anon, or even Adult Children of Alcoholics. Would they be willing to give those a try? It might be comforting for them to realize it's not them--everyone who has an alcoholic loved one experiences the same kind of disappointment. Sounds like it's time for them to start putting together some tools to deal with it.

Hugs,

Bekindalways

Vent away LB . . . and this indeed is worth a vent. It is one thing to be disappointed by a drunk; it's another level of horrible to watch children be disappointed.

Have your kids tried Alateen? At 18 (at least in the US), they could choose to go no-contact with their dad if they wanted.

Big hug to you . . .I would be crying in rage too.

atalose

What is coming to my mind is what I learned a long time ago in al-anon…………asking what was my part in this situation. And moving forward how can I change that.

He was already diminishing his promises to them so why push for him to come over with presents? And why after seeing him in the condition you saw him covered in feces would you want to expose your children to that?


I mean this in a gentle way, not judging but sometimes WE don't see how our own actions played a part. When we expect the A to be something other than an A we set expectations high and set ourselves and others up for hurt and disappointment, etc.

FeelingGreat

hi L, I don't blame you for being angry, but then what else did you expect from him? The boys are still hopeful, but you know the score well.

They are getting rapidly to the age where their expectations will diminish rapidly and they'll find their own way of coping with disappointment, like anger. But they will adjust.

If you discussed the bank account balance with the boys as an indication that he would do something for them, it would be kinder to them to buy out completely. Their father will reap what he sows, and your boys will be sadder but wiser as time goes on.

LexieCat

One other thing--he didn't "try to ruin their day." I know that was the EFFECT, but it wasn't his intention to do that. It's helpful to realize, and to help the kids understand, that alcoholics don't drink for the sake of hurting other people, even though it does. They drink because they must.

Ladybird579

No. I did not push for him to come over. I don't want him anywhere near them but they wanted him to come over so I said he could. I' d rather he was here than they are embarrassed by him in a public place. I am in a difficult position until, if ever, they see the light. I would be much happier if they cut him out their lives. However they can only do that in their own time. I tell them constantly he will not keep his promises and I personally have no expectations of him whatsoever. They still have tho. One is seeing how things now after he let him down, yet again today. He phones them and makes arrangements he doesn't keep. Then the boys rant at me over it. I've asked them to go to teen alanon but they won't. Also they are not children anymore. They are classed as adults now cos they are 18. I have no say in what they do.

I take your point about him drinking cos he must but it doesn't feel that way to my boys. He seems to be able to " hold it together" when it suits him.

dandylion

Ladybird.....I totally get how hard all of this is for you.....
He is such an a...!!
Alcoholic or not......he is still an a......!!

Ladybird579

I expected nothing. I am angry cos once again he messed up a happy occasion. I don't feel I can do anything right. If I ignore him he causes more upset for the boys. ( ie today I didn't pick up his calls so he phoned the boys instead and made D cry) If I engage with him I am enabling his lies. If I say he can't come round I am the bitch and being mean. If I say he can they ask me why I let him after the event cos he always causes trouble here. I remind them of this but they give him "one last chance" I ask them to block him on their phones but they won't cos they are scared he will be ill and they won't know. I have already had to do a safe and well check in recent weeks as he went on a bender and was incommunicado for a week. He has nearly died before so it is always on the boys minds. If I refuse to ask for the S & W check they would never forgive me if he was unconscious in his house or dead. I, personally, do not care! The situation is one only he is winning. He does as he likes while the boys dance to his tune. I have had enough. I am trying to get the boys to focus on their own lives, not his. It's dfficult tho.

atalose

I’m sorry, maybe push was the wrong choice word for me to have used. My point was why invite him at all? None of us want to see our children, no matter how old they become, be hurt, but you shouldn’t be the bridge trying to form a relationship between them and their father. Become the quiet listener to their rants regarding their father. Maybe them meeting him in public a few times and possibly feeling embarrassed will help them make future decisions regarding their relationship with their father.

Much like we cannot control the alcoholic we cannot control the outcome of the alcoholic and their effect on other people.

It’s not easy trying to keep the peace and everyone happy…………we tend to get lost in that shuffle.

Ladybird579

It's Ok, no need to say sorry. I understood what you meant but I felt trapped by the situation which seemed to have no solution. Of course I don't want to see them hurt. I was raging they had been yet again. I invited him here cos the boys asked me too. They were feeling sorry for him and he embarrasses them in public. I say were feeling sorry for him cos it seems things are changing as today one had a showdown with him and has decided he no longer wants anything to do with him after his latest round of broken promises and lies. I am supporting my boys to focus on themselves now. I feel disgusted with myself that I married exah and stuck by him to their detriment all those years. My boys have forgiven me my part it in all but they now need to work on themselves and their own healing. Anyone reading think of your children if you decide to stay with an alcoholic cos the repercussions last a lifetime.