Alcoholic father denies he has problem
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Alcoholic father denies he has problem
First time poster here, I haven't really got anyone to discuss this topic with in person so I thought I'd seek some advice from people who can either relate to this situation or a situation that has escalated from a similar point. This might be a long one...
To provide some context: I'm a 27 year old man who moved back in to my father's house last year after being away at university for 4 years. Moving back was mainly due to me needing a place to live while I looked for a job, but also my grandfather suffered several bad fractures and lives with my father. Because their relationship isn't particularly healthy, I thought I'd be able to help around the house, do some cooking and cleaning etc. Now, my family has a history of alcoholism: both grandparents were alcoholics (grandpa quit over 30 years ago), grandmother's sister is still a 'bottle of gin in the morning'-tier drinker, aunt and uncle I've seen drunk more times than I've seen them sober.
Anyway, the current issue is regarding my father. He's always been a drinker, no doubt exacerbated by the fact that he owned a pub at one point. As a person, he's incredibly impulsive and is generally unable to consume anything in moderation, be it food, alcohol, or anything that he's interested in at any particular time. His consumption of alcohol was, as far as I remember, not tremendously excessive up until I was around 16/17. He had a good managerial level job but because he was involved in catering, he had access to the bar after hours. I noticed that he'd come home drunk now and then from work, especially after work parties. He'd literally stumble in and pass out on the couch, fully clothed. On weekends he'd have a bottle of wine in the evenings, eventually this became two bottles. Initially he would never drink at home if he had work the next day, until it reached the point where he was drinking two to three bottles of wine every night of the week. He was becoming more and more depressed, which culminated in him losing his job and spending all day sleeping on the couch. We all tried to help him out and persuaded him to see a doctor. The doctor prescribed him anti-depressants and put him on an AA course, which turned out to be the turning point. For ten whole years he never touched a drop of alcohol. During this time he'd established his own successful small business, I'd gone through university, and our relationship had never been better.
That seemed to change when, at around this time last year, he started talking about having a drink now and then "considering it's Christmas". As soon as he mentioned this I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. He'd made so much progress and I knew that he just wasn't able to consume alcohol in moderation. Despite my apprehension, I went along with it, probably convinced by the fact that he told me his doctor said that he'd be okay to have a drink - which, in retrospect, seems like either a complete lie or just him being "economical" with the truth. Once again, he assured me that "I'll only have a few beers on weekend evenings, that's it". That lasted perhaps a total of three or four months until I noticed him drinking on the occasional work night. First it'd be three or four beers on a Thursday, then a Wednesday, then a Tuesday.. until he was drinking 5-8 beers/ciders 7 days a week. I guess it may not seem a large amount at once but he has a pretty low tolerance level and that's more than enough to get him drunk. He's not a physically violent drunk, instead he'll turn into this egomaniac who thinks he's right about everything, generally just becoming someone really unpleasant to be around. Around four months ago, I confronted him but made the mistake of doing it whilst he was drunk. He'd had 12 cans of cider and I ended up opening the bin and throwing the empty cans all over the floor, asking him just HOW he doesn't think he has a problem. He told me to "**** off" and accused me of calling him an alcoholic. We argued and I ended up spending the night elsewhere. The next day he apologized and said he'd start drinking less. That lasted for a couple of weeks until he started, once again, drinking excessively 7 nights per week.
Our family has had its fair share of issues. My mother died when I was three and inevitably that crushed my father. I wish he could just realize that he's not getting any younger and he should, as a 54 year old man, be prioritizing his health. I don't understand how he could have 10 relatively happy alcohol-free years before deciding to drink again when he's intimately aware of his own impulsive nature. Our relationship has again become distant, I rarely spend time with him and soon will have the opportunity to move to a different county. I want to get on with my life but I feel uneasy leaving my grandfather with him - they seem to share nothing but animosity and I don't think he'll get the care he needs. A couple of months ago my father began a relationship with a woman, she's great, rarely drinks, and works long hours but loves her job. I thought this would be the catalyst for change with regards to his drinking, but if anything it's become worse and I simply don't know what to do.
I'm desperate for him to lead a healthier life. He's gaining a lot of weight and is drinking at least 70 units of alcohol per week, in the UK the recommended level for a man is somewhere between 15 and 20. Then there are the unseen health issues: liver damage (recommended that an individual has 2-3 alcohol free days per week to decrease stress on the liver), increased risk of cancer, mental effects etc. Any advice will be greatly appreciated... I just want my dad back.
To provide some context: I'm a 27 year old man who moved back in to my father's house last year after being away at university for 4 years. Moving back was mainly due to me needing a place to live while I looked for a job, but also my grandfather suffered several bad fractures and lives with my father. Because their relationship isn't particularly healthy, I thought I'd be able to help around the house, do some cooking and cleaning etc. Now, my family has a history of alcoholism: both grandparents were alcoholics (grandpa quit over 30 years ago), grandmother's sister is still a 'bottle of gin in the morning'-tier drinker, aunt and uncle I've seen drunk more times than I've seen them sober.
Anyway, the current issue is regarding my father. He's always been a drinker, no doubt exacerbated by the fact that he owned a pub at one point. As a person, he's incredibly impulsive and is generally unable to consume anything in moderation, be it food, alcohol, or anything that he's interested in at any particular time. His consumption of alcohol was, as far as I remember, not tremendously excessive up until I was around 16/17. He had a good managerial level job but because he was involved in catering, he had access to the bar after hours. I noticed that he'd come home drunk now and then from work, especially after work parties. He'd literally stumble in and pass out on the couch, fully clothed. On weekends he'd have a bottle of wine in the evenings, eventually this became two bottles. Initially he would never drink at home if he had work the next day, until it reached the point where he was drinking two to three bottles of wine every night of the week. He was becoming more and more depressed, which culminated in him losing his job and spending all day sleeping on the couch. We all tried to help him out and persuaded him to see a doctor. The doctor prescribed him anti-depressants and put him on an AA course, which turned out to be the turning point. For ten whole years he never touched a drop of alcohol. During this time he'd established his own successful small business, I'd gone through university, and our relationship had never been better.
That seemed to change when, at around this time last year, he started talking about having a drink now and then "considering it's Christmas". As soon as he mentioned this I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. He'd made so much progress and I knew that he just wasn't able to consume alcohol in moderation. Despite my apprehension, I went along with it, probably convinced by the fact that he told me his doctor said that he'd be okay to have a drink - which, in retrospect, seems like either a complete lie or just him being "economical" with the truth. Once again, he assured me that "I'll only have a few beers on weekend evenings, that's it". That lasted perhaps a total of three or four months until I noticed him drinking on the occasional work night. First it'd be three or four beers on a Thursday, then a Wednesday, then a Tuesday.. until he was drinking 5-8 beers/ciders 7 days a week. I guess it may not seem a large amount at once but he has a pretty low tolerance level and that's more than enough to get him drunk. He's not a physically violent drunk, instead he'll turn into this egomaniac who thinks he's right about everything, generally just becoming someone really unpleasant to be around. Around four months ago, I confronted him but made the mistake of doing it whilst he was drunk. He'd had 12 cans of cider and I ended up opening the bin and throwing the empty cans all over the floor, asking him just HOW he doesn't think he has a problem. He told me to "**** off" and accused me of calling him an alcoholic. We argued and I ended up spending the night elsewhere. The next day he apologized and said he'd start drinking less. That lasted for a couple of weeks until he started, once again, drinking excessively 7 nights per week.
Our family has had its fair share of issues. My mother died when I was three and inevitably that crushed my father. I wish he could just realize that he's not getting any younger and he should, as a 54 year old man, be prioritizing his health. I don't understand how he could have 10 relatively happy alcohol-free years before deciding to drink again when he's intimately aware of his own impulsive nature. Our relationship has again become distant, I rarely spend time with him and soon will have the opportunity to move to a different county. I want to get on with my life but I feel uneasy leaving my grandfather with him - they seem to share nothing but animosity and I don't think he'll get the care he needs. A couple of months ago my father began a relationship with a woman, she's great, rarely drinks, and works long hours but loves her job. I thought this would be the catalyst for change with regards to his drinking, but if anything it's become worse and I simply don't know what to do.
I'm desperate for him to lead a healthier life. He's gaining a lot of weight and is drinking at least 70 units of alcohol per week, in the UK the recommended level for a man is somewhere between 15 and 20. Then there are the unseen health issues: liver damage (recommended that an individual has 2-3 alcohol free days per week to decrease stress on the liver), increased risk of cancer, mental effects etc. Any advice will be greatly appreciated... I just want my dad back.
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Well, I'm afraid none of us has a magic solution for you. I know that's not what you're looking for--you seem like a sharp young man--but about the only thing I can think of would be to have someone from his AA years maybe reconnect with him. The g/f may get sick of this routine once she spends more time with him.
I think you're right to be concerned about your grandfather, though. Is there a social service agency you can contact to see what kind of care can be set up for him? Maybe weekly/daily visits from a nurse or social worker?
Sorry you're having to deal with this. Alcoholism isn't logical. I've been sober for eight years and I know people who have relapsed after 20 years or more.
I think you're right to be concerned about your grandfather, though. Is there a social service agency you can contact to see what kind of care can be set up for him? Maybe weekly/daily visits from a nurse or social worker?
Sorry you're having to deal with this. Alcoholism isn't logical. I've been sober for eight years and I know people who have relapsed after 20 years or more.
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I feel for you Anton00. Alcoholism stinks. What's worse is it effects everyone in the alcoholic's life. Not just the alcoholic. In your situation, I'd try to find the best possible social care for your grandfather and then move out. Tell your dad until he's willing to regain some amount of recovery, you're just not interested in a relationship with him. His new g/f will feel the same way eventually. Untreated alcoholism is a dead end for everyone concerned. Get out and get on with your life after you've done what you reasonably can for your grandfather's well being. Don't be a martyr. Alcoholics don't have relationships. We take hostages.
t
t
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Hello! Welcome! I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
The first advice I would give us to accept that fact that you can't make him stop drinking. He started again because addiction is evil and it will tell the addict any lie possible to get them to drink. (example, I can drink "sometimes") He knows that he's an alcoholic and can't drink responsibly but the addiction convinces him he can because that's what it wants, for him to drink. The only way around it is for him to decide that he wants to quit and to get into recovery again.
In the US there is Al-anon which helps family members of alcoholics learn how to care for themselves. I'm not sure what the equivalent program is where you live, but you should do some research and go. You can't force him into recovery, but you can learn how to make yourself healthy and set healthy boundaries with him.
The first advice I would give us to accept that fact that you can't make him stop drinking. He started again because addiction is evil and it will tell the addict any lie possible to get them to drink. (example, I can drink "sometimes") He knows that he's an alcoholic and can't drink responsibly but the addiction convinces him he can because that's what it wants, for him to drink. The only way around it is for him to decide that he wants to quit and to get into recovery again.
In the US there is Al-anon which helps family members of alcoholics learn how to care for themselves. I'm not sure what the equivalent program is where you live, but you should do some research and go. You can't force him into recovery, but you can learn how to make yourself healthy and set healthy boundaries with him.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Al-Anon is definitely available in the UK, and that is a great suggestion. Al-Anon won't help you "get him sober" but it will help you to deal with the effects on YOU of dealing with another person's drinking.
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Join Date: Dec 2016
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Well, I'm afraid none of us has a magic solution for you. I know that's not what you're looking for--you seem like a sharp young man--but about the only thing I can think of would be to have someone from his AA years maybe reconnect with him. The g/f may get sick of this routine once she spends more time with him.
I think you're right to be concerned about your grandfather, though. Is there a social service agency you can contact to see what kind of care can be set up for him? Maybe weekly/daily visits from a nurse or social worker?
Sorry you're having to deal with this. Alcoholism isn't logical. I've been sober for eight years and I know people who have relapsed after 20 years or more.
I think you're right to be concerned about your grandfather, though. Is there a social service agency you can contact to see what kind of care can be set up for him? Maybe weekly/daily visits from a nurse or social worker?
Sorry you're having to deal with this. Alcoholism isn't logical. I've been sober for eight years and I know people who have relapsed after 20 years or more.
We looked into social care a couple of years ago when I was away studying and although daily visits are out of the question (means tested, basically if you own property they expect you to pay extortionate amounts), a weekly or bi-weekly is definitely a possibility.
The point you make about it not being logical is spot on. I never really thought of him as an alcoholic when I was younger because he was functional and only drank in the evenings... it just seemed normal. I guess the addiction can manifest itself in so many different ways.
Good to hear you've been going for eight years, that's a triumph! Stay strong.
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Originally Posted by ByHisLove
Hello! Welcome! I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
The first advice I would give us to accept that fact that you can't make him stop drinking. He started again because addiction is evil and it will tell the addict any lie possible to get them to drink. (example, I can drink "sometimes") He knows that he's an alcoholic and can't drink responsibly but the addiction convinces him he can because that's what it wants, for him to drink. The only way around it is for him to decide that he wants to quit and to get into recovery again.
In the US there is Al-anon which helps family members of alcoholics learn how to care for themselves. I'm not sure what the equivalent program is where you live, but you should do some research and go. You can't force him into recovery, but you can learn how to make yourself healthy and set healthy boundaries with him.
The first advice I would give us to accept that fact that you can't make him stop drinking. He started again because addiction is evil and it will tell the addict any lie possible to get them to drink. (example, I can drink "sometimes") He knows that he's an alcoholic and can't drink responsibly but the addiction convinces him he can because that's what it wants, for him to drink. The only way around it is for him to decide that he wants to quit and to get into recovery again.
In the US there is Al-anon which helps family members of alcoholics learn how to care for themselves. I'm not sure what the equivalent program is where you live, but you should do some research and go. You can't force him into recovery, but you can learn how to make yourself healthy and set healthy boundaries with him.
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Originally Posted by peduncles
I can totally relate with you @Anton00! My dad is an alcoholic but he never ever admitted that to himself. He never ever tried stopping taking alcohols. I'm worried about his health too because he was a chain smoker before but did a cold turkey over it. Now, his stomach is extremely huge like a 9-month pregnant woman. He just doesn't listen to any of us. It's really frustrating. I can't remember a time that he is sober. In addition to being alcoholic, he is also a womanizer. Ugh I really really hate him but I the same time I can't hate him because I know he's under extreme pressure. But he is not letting us to help him. I feel pity for my mom and my younger brothers for having to deal with his addiction. Too bad in this third world country that we are in, there are not so many treatment centers that can help my dad. I found this program of Resistance in Recovery from BLVT Treatment Centers. I feel that it will be helpful for my dad and maybe to yours as well.
Keep your headstrong! I'm hoping for all the best for you. Good luck!
Keep your headstrong! I'm hoping for all the best for you. Good luck!
Your situation sounds very difficult emotionally both for you and your family. The fact that you've sought out advice on this forum shows that you really want to help and I'm sure you'll be able to find a way to make him realise his problem.
Thanks for the kind words and all the best to you, too.
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