"Dual Diagnosis" or "MICA"
But I'm tryin....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 8
"Dual Diagnosis" or "MICA"
In New Jersey they use a term called "MICA" which is an acronym for "Mentally Incapacitated/Chemically Addicted". I hear the diagnosis in most areas is "Dual Diagnosis". Meaning the person in question has an addiction as well as a mental health issue, such as being bi-polar.
I came to realize that my A Wife is not only an alcoholic, but is *extremely* bi-polar. Its a roller coaster ride. I never knew what I was going to go home to. Drunk, sober, angry, happy, sexy, depressed, crying, furious, sleeping, or cleaning like a white tornado.
We have talked about the possibility of her possibly being slightly schizophrenic as well. When we tried doing a "home detox" from alcohol, on the 3rd or 4th day, she had a period of about 30 hours where she was hearing voices, SEEING things that werent there, and people who werent there. God, Jesus, the Virgin Mary, and many others all were in my house that day apparently. It's funny, but it really was NOT funny when it happened. It ended with a call to the police to stop her from killing herself, and a trip to the local hospital/crissis center. They DISCHARGED her... She had also one about 40 hours without any sleep, which I knew wasn't helping. They gave her a shot and the nurse said she would be out in minutes. She was awake another 2.5 hours!
God.. my thoughts are flowing now faster than I can think, and much faster than I can type. Forgive me if I am all over the place.
Anyway, she has claimed on several occasions the biggest reason she drank was to self-medicate. I hear this is not only common, but in some cases really is true. Its the only way some bi-polar people can cope (without medication). And for schizophrenia, it is even more common I guess. Which is why so many homeless people you see are drinkers/users and walk around talking to them self (or people who aren't there).
I really knew my wife had some problems before we got Married. I knew she was alcoholic, and I knew she had mental issues. It didn't matter to me! I REALLY thought I could deal with it. I could FIX her. Thats what I do! And another thing, my Mother has mental illness, and I always resented my (alcoholic) Father for not getting her help, and giving up on her so easily. He just divorced her, and moved on. *Right now*, I REFUSE to give up on her. a week or two ago it was a much different story. I thought she cheated on me. And honestly, I think she would have if circumstances had been different. That is something I am going to have to learn to live with. But, I believe her when she told me that nothing happened. So I forgave everything else that happened on that binge, including attacking me in public, in front of all my friends. Including dancing and flirting around with a bunch of guys, again in front of all our friends. Including watching her curse at all my friends (who where calling her names that werent nice), across a street, yelling up to the hotel balcony everyone was watching from. Watching her make a fool of herself, and me. With no consideration for my feelings, in fact more to say "F-U" to me. I tried to get her to leave, and go home. She refused. I ended up leaving her (with no place for her to stay). OK, I knew I was going to go all over the place! I have so much I need to talk about, and no time or place to do it. I am posting this from work, where I shouldn't be posting from....
As my nick says, I just "cant stop crying"! I break down out of nowhere. The tears flow so much my eyes hurt for hours. I wake up doing it at night. I know now that I need medication or something too! As much resentment as I have towards her for causing all this, I resent myself for (over-reacting?) getting the restraining order, and mostly for NOT TALKING things out first. And for listening to other people. I can forgive ALL of it. I love this woman so much. When she is "right" there is nobody better. My heart skips a beat when she walks into the room. I get goosebumps when she touches me. I used to stay up at night and watch her when she slept, amazed how much I loved her, even if we had a fight before she went to sleep! I am not just saying these things. I know they sound like something from a corny love song or poem, but its all true. I never knew people could really feel this way about someone. I always thought it was fairy tale crap. I honestly don't believe I could have gone on without her, as pathetic as that sounds. When I thought it was over, I constantly considered suicide. Once we decided to work it out, I got a little better. I didn't want to end it all anymore, since I felt we had a chance. I am scared I am going to make the wrong decisions based on my heart, and not my head. but this woman is everything to me. I am going to lose many of my friends over this. I am a volunteer firefighter, and EMT. I am going to end up quitting both of them over what happened, and taking her back. Those are things I loved to do, and people I liked a lot. But my family, my WIFE is more important. We have only been Married a few months. We are still newlyweds! Married in July. I thank God she is getting the help she needs now, but I have such a hard time not being able to really see her. We *do* see each other, even though we (she) could get in a lot of trouble over it, with the restraining order. But we don't dare have her go home. She constantly tells me how sorry she is, and how much she loves me, and needs me. She seems to be painfully sincere, or the greatest actress I have ever seen. But, my own self esteem issues have me doubt many things she tells me. Honestly I always feel/felt that she is too good for me, which is probably not a really healthy way to feel. All of this stuff makes me realize how much mental health help *I* need. As well as what will probably be months or years of marraige counseling. SHe just called while I was writing this. She stopped and bought some books on recovery for me, and her. She really seems to be putting everything into this right now. She really seems to want to change. She got a job (hasnt worked since we got Married) she starts next Thursday. She is really taking care of things finally that she has put off for months. I should feel really happy about all this, but I am so depressed I can't function.
OK, enough senseless ramblings. I can not put my thoughts together in a rational, sensible manner, and I am sorry for that.
I came to realize that my A Wife is not only an alcoholic, but is *extremely* bi-polar. Its a roller coaster ride. I never knew what I was going to go home to. Drunk, sober, angry, happy, sexy, depressed, crying, furious, sleeping, or cleaning like a white tornado.
We have talked about the possibility of her possibly being slightly schizophrenic as well. When we tried doing a "home detox" from alcohol, on the 3rd or 4th day, she had a period of about 30 hours where she was hearing voices, SEEING things that werent there, and people who werent there. God, Jesus, the Virgin Mary, and many others all were in my house that day apparently. It's funny, but it really was NOT funny when it happened. It ended with a call to the police to stop her from killing herself, and a trip to the local hospital/crissis center. They DISCHARGED her... She had also one about 40 hours without any sleep, which I knew wasn't helping. They gave her a shot and the nurse said she would be out in minutes. She was awake another 2.5 hours!
God.. my thoughts are flowing now faster than I can think, and much faster than I can type. Forgive me if I am all over the place.
Anyway, she has claimed on several occasions the biggest reason she drank was to self-medicate. I hear this is not only common, but in some cases really is true. Its the only way some bi-polar people can cope (without medication). And for schizophrenia, it is even more common I guess. Which is why so many homeless people you see are drinkers/users and walk around talking to them self (or people who aren't there).
I really knew my wife had some problems before we got Married. I knew she was alcoholic, and I knew she had mental issues. It didn't matter to me! I REALLY thought I could deal with it. I could FIX her. Thats what I do! And another thing, my Mother has mental illness, and I always resented my (alcoholic) Father for not getting her help, and giving up on her so easily. He just divorced her, and moved on. *Right now*, I REFUSE to give up on her. a week or two ago it was a much different story. I thought she cheated on me. And honestly, I think she would have if circumstances had been different. That is something I am going to have to learn to live with. But, I believe her when she told me that nothing happened. So I forgave everything else that happened on that binge, including attacking me in public, in front of all my friends. Including dancing and flirting around with a bunch of guys, again in front of all our friends. Including watching her curse at all my friends (who where calling her names that werent nice), across a street, yelling up to the hotel balcony everyone was watching from. Watching her make a fool of herself, and me. With no consideration for my feelings, in fact more to say "F-U" to me. I tried to get her to leave, and go home. She refused. I ended up leaving her (with no place for her to stay). OK, I knew I was going to go all over the place! I have so much I need to talk about, and no time or place to do it. I am posting this from work, where I shouldn't be posting from....
As my nick says, I just "cant stop crying"! I break down out of nowhere. The tears flow so much my eyes hurt for hours. I wake up doing it at night. I know now that I need medication or something too! As much resentment as I have towards her for causing all this, I resent myself for (over-reacting?) getting the restraining order, and mostly for NOT TALKING things out first. And for listening to other people. I can forgive ALL of it. I love this woman so much. When she is "right" there is nobody better. My heart skips a beat when she walks into the room. I get goosebumps when she touches me. I used to stay up at night and watch her when she slept, amazed how much I loved her, even if we had a fight before she went to sleep! I am not just saying these things. I know they sound like something from a corny love song or poem, but its all true. I never knew people could really feel this way about someone. I always thought it was fairy tale crap. I honestly don't believe I could have gone on without her, as pathetic as that sounds. When I thought it was over, I constantly considered suicide. Once we decided to work it out, I got a little better. I didn't want to end it all anymore, since I felt we had a chance. I am scared I am going to make the wrong decisions based on my heart, and not my head. but this woman is everything to me. I am going to lose many of my friends over this. I am a volunteer firefighter, and EMT. I am going to end up quitting both of them over what happened, and taking her back. Those are things I loved to do, and people I liked a lot. But my family, my WIFE is more important. We have only been Married a few months. We are still newlyweds! Married in July. I thank God she is getting the help she needs now, but I have such a hard time not being able to really see her. We *do* see each other, even though we (she) could get in a lot of trouble over it, with the restraining order. But we don't dare have her go home. She constantly tells me how sorry she is, and how much she loves me, and needs me. She seems to be painfully sincere, or the greatest actress I have ever seen. But, my own self esteem issues have me doubt many things she tells me. Honestly I always feel/felt that she is too good for me, which is probably not a really healthy way to feel. All of this stuff makes me realize how much mental health help *I* need. As well as what will probably be months or years of marraige counseling. SHe just called while I was writing this. She stopped and bought some books on recovery for me, and her. She really seems to be putting everything into this right now. She really seems to want to change. She got a job (hasnt worked since we got Married) she starts next Thursday. She is really taking care of things finally that she has put off for months. I should feel really happy about all this, but I am so depressed I can't function.
OK, enough senseless ramblings. I can not put my thoughts together in a rational, sensible manner, and I am sorry for that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: thousand oaks, ca
Posts: 3
Hang in there "Can't stop crying". You have found the right place!! I have only been at this site a week but it has done wonders! Prehaps right now you need to stop thinking and worrying -- it sounds like you are driving yourself crazy and that's no fun. I read in one of these posts a few days ago that this person felt like they were going crazy from their AH and remembered the doctor telling them not to do anything or make any decisions for a couple of days. I guess that would be a little like taking a step back so see things more clearly. It worked for them - prehaps this might work for you! Just take some time out to heal yourself. Try to find some support from Al-anon or CoDa by going to meetings if you can or at least stick around here. Above all try not to let her behavior ruin the things that are important to you like friends and your job. Remember -- you can not FIX her or change her!! You can only accept what you have no control over and change what you do or how you react to her. Think about setting some boundaries, no matter how small, for yourself with her and her behavior. Even small things like leaving the room or her when she's out of control can be powerful for you. It's okay to love her and not like how she behaves!!
There's lots of good stuff here and lots of good people here! Hang in there!
There's lots of good stuff here and lots of good people here! Hang in there!
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi CSC,
Wow. Even though people tell stories like this everyday, yours is especially heartwrenching. I can hear the pain in your words and I'm so sorry for everything you're going through.
Unfortunately, you're going to hate what I have to say.
You cannot save your wife. You can forgive her and you can support her efforts to get help. But she has to do it for herself. Quitting your jobs and losing your friends b/c of her is not the way to go and you will eventually resent her for it. I know you don't want to repeat the choices your father made but sometimes love isn't enough. I am not suggesting you leave her; only you can make that choice. But she needs serious help and reading a few recovery books or getting a job isn't going to do it for her. Is she getting any treatment at all right now? You may want to look into counseling for yourself.
She may be doing well today but without long-term help or treatment, the episodes will start up again. I know how much it hurts to watch your spouse self-destruct and to be powerless over it. You can't save her but you can save yourself.
Please keep posting. You don't have to go through this alone.
Take care,
JG
Wow. Even though people tell stories like this everyday, yours is especially heartwrenching. I can hear the pain in your words and I'm so sorry for everything you're going through.
Unfortunately, you're going to hate what I have to say.
You cannot save your wife. You can forgive her and you can support her efforts to get help. But she has to do it for herself. Quitting your jobs and losing your friends b/c of her is not the way to go and you will eventually resent her for it. I know you don't want to repeat the choices your father made but sometimes love isn't enough. I am not suggesting you leave her; only you can make that choice. But she needs serious help and reading a few recovery books or getting a job isn't going to do it for her. Is she getting any treatment at all right now? You may want to look into counseling for yourself.
She may be doing well today but without long-term help or treatment, the episodes will start up again. I know how much it hurts to watch your spouse self-destruct and to be powerless over it. You can't save her but you can save yourself.
Please keep posting. You don't have to go through this alone.
Take care,
JG
But I'm tryin....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 8
Thanks all. Quick replies too!
Journeygal:
I dont hate what you have to say. I know its true. And YES, she IS getting help. She is in an out-patient program 3 times a week, attends AA meetings, and she is going to try another Christian group similar to AA tomorrow. I go to open meetings with her when I can, but have not been able to attend an Alanon meeting yet just due to work schedule, and lack of meetings in my area. We are going to the new thing tomorrow together. One of my problems in all this is a complete lack of faith. I had tons of faith until 9-11. 9-11 changed my life, and my whole way of thinking. I have a hard time trying to "Let God" or any higher power. So I am hjoping this church-driven group will help me a little with that I haven't stepped into a Church of any type since 9-11 for anything other than funerals.
Also, EMT and Firefighter I do as a volunteer, it isn;t my job. I wouldn't be quiting my job. But I will *probably* be quiting something I love very much, and something that makes me me. All of her actions took place at Firemens convention, in front of many of the people in my fire dept, and EMS squad. I know what they all will think of me for taking her back. Its a matter of me just not being able to face them, at least for a while. They were THERE FOR ME when I thought it was all over. Now I have to face them and say I took her back. I know they will think I am an ass. But what's more important????
Thanks again. I actually feel MUCH better than I did an hour ago, just for sharing. At the AA meetings I attend, I never say anything, only that I am there for support. I learn some, but I dont get to talk. And I dont think I WOULD talk in front of her yet. Although SHE does, which really surprised me the first meeting. She made me cry, and she made me realize some things. One thing I learned was that everytime she has relapsed (she has been sober several times in the past) was when she STOPPED going to AA, and thought she no longer needed it. She is very commited, and honestly, I am surpised. I really thought she was going to bull***t her way through things just to appease the court. But she is sober a week or two (time is a blur), and doing all the right things. AND she is doing it for HER, not for me or her kids.
I look at the 12 steps, and I see I am stuck on step 1! Seems like the easy one, right? Well.... I DO accept step 1, and realize I have no control. I never realized how controlling I really was trying to be. And now she is getting her "independence" back. And it honestly scares the living crap out of me. I am scared she wont need me anymore. I am scared she will meet someone else, and find that she Married me in a drunken haze for the wrong reasons. I am scared that when she is sober, she wont be the same person I fell in love with. I am scared that I may not be able to handle NOT being needed. At the same time, I am RELIEVED at the thought of no longer having to go home and babysit and adult! Thats what I felt like. I would have to go home and make sure she didnt get out of hand and do something stupid. I walked on eggshells when I got home, worried I would say or do the wrong thing and instigate a fight. I am SO tired of that. Senseless fighting that made NO SENSE whatsoever. I mean some of the things she would say when she was drunk..... Well, trying to argue with a drunk is plain stupid anyway. I look forward to the absense of those behaviors.
Journeygal:
I dont hate what you have to say. I know its true. And YES, she IS getting help. She is in an out-patient program 3 times a week, attends AA meetings, and she is going to try another Christian group similar to AA tomorrow. I go to open meetings with her when I can, but have not been able to attend an Alanon meeting yet just due to work schedule, and lack of meetings in my area. We are going to the new thing tomorrow together. One of my problems in all this is a complete lack of faith. I had tons of faith until 9-11. 9-11 changed my life, and my whole way of thinking. I have a hard time trying to "Let God" or any higher power. So I am hjoping this church-driven group will help me a little with that I haven't stepped into a Church of any type since 9-11 for anything other than funerals.
Also, EMT and Firefighter I do as a volunteer, it isn;t my job. I wouldn't be quiting my job. But I will *probably* be quiting something I love very much, and something that makes me me. All of her actions took place at Firemens convention, in front of many of the people in my fire dept, and EMS squad. I know what they all will think of me for taking her back. Its a matter of me just not being able to face them, at least for a while. They were THERE FOR ME when I thought it was all over. Now I have to face them and say I took her back. I know they will think I am an ass. But what's more important????
Thanks again. I actually feel MUCH better than I did an hour ago, just for sharing. At the AA meetings I attend, I never say anything, only that I am there for support. I learn some, but I dont get to talk. And I dont think I WOULD talk in front of her yet. Although SHE does, which really surprised me the first meeting. She made me cry, and she made me realize some things. One thing I learned was that everytime she has relapsed (she has been sober several times in the past) was when she STOPPED going to AA, and thought she no longer needed it. She is very commited, and honestly, I am surpised. I really thought she was going to bull***t her way through things just to appease the court. But she is sober a week or two (time is a blur), and doing all the right things. AND she is doing it for HER, not for me or her kids.
I look at the 12 steps, and I see I am stuck on step 1! Seems like the easy one, right? Well.... I DO accept step 1, and realize I have no control. I never realized how controlling I really was trying to be. And now she is getting her "independence" back. And it honestly scares the living crap out of me. I am scared she wont need me anymore. I am scared she will meet someone else, and find that she Married me in a drunken haze for the wrong reasons. I am scared that when she is sober, she wont be the same person I fell in love with. I am scared that I may not be able to handle NOT being needed. At the same time, I am RELIEVED at the thought of no longer having to go home and babysit and adult! Thats what I felt like. I would have to go home and make sure she didnt get out of hand and do something stupid. I walked on eggshells when I got home, worried I would say or do the wrong thing and instigate a fight. I am SO tired of that. Senseless fighting that made NO SENSE whatsoever. I mean some of the things she would say when she was drunk..... Well, trying to argue with a drunk is plain stupid anyway. I look forward to the absense of those behaviors.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
can't - you really sound like you need to work on you - not putting you down, but it definitely sounds like you have some self-esteem issues (as do most of us in these relationships). continue to go to al-anon - it's good you want to support her, but you need to support YOU! if these are truly your friends then they will not judge you in your decisions.
i am sorry for the pain you have experienced due to 9/11 - i cannot imagine. there is a forum for pstd and maybe you could check it out. it might be helpful.
hang in there and come back often - we all support each other here like no ther place i have ever been!
hugs - cwohio
i am sorry for the pain you have experienced due to 9/11 - i cannot imagine. there is a forum for pstd and maybe you could check it out. it might be helpful.
hang in there and come back often - we all support each other here like no ther place i have ever been!
hugs - cwohio
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi Csc,
I'm glad she's getting the help she needs. I hope she sticks with it, for her sake and for yours.
I do think you should find time to go to al-anon meetings. You need a place to share what you're going through with others going through the same things. Of course coming here is good for that as well.
If your friends are truly your friends, they will not judge you for taking your wife back. They will support you no matter what. Give them a chance - they may surprise you. And if they do think you're an ass, so what? It's not your business what anyone thinks of you. (I got that from someone here.)
All the feelings you have of rejection, not being needed, feeling relieved at not having to babysit, we all have those feelings. It's time you start taking care of yourself. Your happiness and well-being is not dependent on the choices your wife makes. It's up to you to make yourself happy and to find peace in your life.
Hugs,
JG
I'm glad she's getting the help she needs. I hope she sticks with it, for her sake and for yours.
I do think you should find time to go to al-anon meetings. You need a place to share what you're going through with others going through the same things. Of course coming here is good for that as well.
If your friends are truly your friends, they will not judge you for taking your wife back. They will support you no matter what. Give them a chance - they may surprise you. And if they do think you're an ass, so what? It's not your business what anyone thinks of you. (I got that from someone here.
)All the feelings you have of rejection, not being needed, feeling relieved at not having to babysit, we all have those feelings. It's time you start taking care of yourself. Your happiness and well-being is not dependent on the choices your wife makes. It's up to you to make yourself happy and to find peace in your life.
Hugs,
JG
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
I really feel for you, hon. It is such a difficult situation.
I don't have any answers for you, but the phrase "walking on eggshells" made me remember something. I have been going through a not disimilar situation and found this website http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/...dicators.shtml
I am not saying for one moment that this is your wife, nor am I saying that my b/f has exactly this problem. But, the forum (called the nook), has helped me to understand some of the behaviours that I am dealing with. To be honest, the bottom line is one of co-dependency, but of behaviour rather than just addiction.
This WILL get better, because by coming here, you will get better. Please have some hope.
Thinking of you.
Love
Minnie
xx
I don't have any answers for you, but the phrase "walking on eggshells" made me remember something. I have been going through a not disimilar situation and found this website http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/...dicators.shtml
I am not saying for one moment that this is your wife, nor am I saying that my b/f has exactly this problem. But, the forum (called the nook), has helped me to understand some of the behaviours that I am dealing with. To be honest, the bottom line is one of co-dependency, but of behaviour rather than just addiction.
This WILL get better, because by coming here, you will get better. Please have some hope.
Thinking of you.
Love
Minnie
xx
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