Redheadsusie

So I don't call separated AH and tell him what a dumbass he is I am coming here. I really think I am the one who is stupid though I have to give him some credit. My house is peaceful I am so happy to not have an alcoholic living in my home and I never will again. We are pursuing the divorce or at least I am he is doing nothing but I feel hopeful that one way or the other we will move forward. What I have to give him credit for is since he stopped paying the mortgage years ago and I continued paying the mortgage and the taxes ( soneone had to) he is entitled to half of the equity for everything I've paid into for years. I feel like now his moves were very pre-calculated and I feel like an idiot for not seeing it for what it was. He is trying to pursue getting alimony from me which I will fight and I may just walk away from the house and let him have the equity in it just so I'll be free and clear of his games. I do have an attorney working for me and I'm confident in her ability to represent me. I will just be grateful to move on. What I am struggling with though is despite all of his bad behavior despite me supporting our family for 15 years I guess I am still surprised that he wants to get money from me and he wants to hurt me still. I need to just move past that and move forward and get my self-esteem back in order - at this point I don't think I could even look at another man in the face because I'm so untrusting. I am leaving for vacation for a week on Friday with family to a nice warm place and I just need to relax my spirit and just think how blessed I am that this will soon be done. I am so grateful for everyone here and all of the support I have gotten over the years without you I don't know if I would be as sane as I am. With love and thanks I am, Redheadsusie

AnvilheadII

you aren't dumb, you just didn't KNOW. you are a kind, decent, loving person who chooses to see the good in people. and he was good at hiding his real self. the classic wolf in sheep's clothing.

maaaaaaybe you had a teensy weensy bit of denial. who hasn't?

the beautiful thing is that TODAY you have eyes wide open. you are strong and getting stronger. you are able to find humor in some of his antics, instead of being crushed and curled up in the fetal position. you are learning not to take it personal. it's just what he does.

maybe when you go on this lovely vacation to somewhere warm, you can take some memento of what WAS with you AH, or a goodbye letter, or a good ole p!ss off letter, and bury it there somewhere in the sand, or launched way out to sea, and be FREE of it, once and for all?

LexieCat

Don't worry about who's getting what, and who paid for what. Most of the property division stuff is governed by your state law, so it is what it is. Your lawyer can advise you about what's reasonable to expect if the case were to go to trial. Most cases settle, but there's no reason to believe you won't get at least a good chunk of the equity. Don't walk away from it too soon, but you don't have to fight tooth and nail over it, either. I've given up things I was "entitled" to for the sake of moving on. It can be a reasonable decision, but not without good legal advice first.

Just don't get hung up over stuff like who did what, and with what intent. That will only fuel resentments. Keep your eyes on the prize--a peaceful future.

BeachPlease

That's actually an awesome idea...

BeachPlease

I felt ( and sometimes still feel) dumb, but then I remember that I'm NOT dumb. Neither are you. We're human beings with a heart and feelings for people. Hopefully your divorce proceedings don't drag on and on.

Good thing you get to get away from it all if only for a little while and relax.

Lilro

Hi Suz

Good for you! Get yourself a little R&R. We all need to chill out every once in a while. My advice? Don't be so quick to give him what is rightfully yours. I did that just to move forward myself and can tell you from experience I want to kick myself in the ass sometimes! I could never understand how a man can feel like a man when he needs " support " from a woman. Mind boggling to me ......
Have a great getaway. Happy Holidays my friend. Peace is within your reach.
Xo
Ro

Refiner

Lesson learned for the other Lady Breadwinners out there. He stopped contributing and started sponging because he could. When my first husband became that person, I split bank accounts and demanded he contribute to the household. He ended up barely working, so not being able to contribute as much while my career was really taking off. HE was the one who asked for the divorce... my Dad at the time said he probably felt emasculated. How insightful! At least my ex-husband had enough self-respect and pride to not be a sponge. We are very good friends as of today -- he has good character, at least, to do the right thing (this was 17 years ago). Ladies... beware of the SPONGE!