thousandwords53

Just when I start to feel guilt, and look at AH like a normal person…He proves me wrong. I almost posted last night how I am having trouble, again, with backpedaling my feelings. We were having a decent evening, talking, joking, sharing etc. Yes, he was drinking…but it was a nice evening. Played with the kids, fixed something on our vehicle with zero drama. Then we get to bed, and I say something he takes as a “no” or as criticism - which was only me making a light hearted remark asking for what I wanted in that particular moment. (You know how you say: Tell them NO about something then see how they act) This was just a perceived no..but still…anyways he about faced on attitude and turned against me, got on his phone, and then fell asleep ignoring me. He barely acknowledged me this morning. Then I get a sweet text just now acting like nothing happened. I know this is very obscure and ramble-y. I can give better details if needed, but the point in this is how maddening this can be!! And that if I am patient…I will prove my doubt wrong. Everytime.

I know I have posted this same exact subject before, it just never ceases to amaze me, how mind games work.

Thanks, as always, for reading

Smarie78

Ah this is classic behavior for my Abf....same exact thing. Everything is going fine and suddenly he will snap like a child and feel attacked. Then the next day the "good morning beautiful! how is your day?" text message. And God forbid I say anything about it...

I think this is just the alcoholic brain. I find a lot of emotional immaturity there where the behavior is almost child-like. Your AH was either embarrassed at his reaction so chose to ignore it this morning (A's do not like to deal with their emotions so pretend they don't exist), or he wasn't embarrassed and simply just expects you to bounce back because he wants to.

AnvilheadII

Yes, he was drinking

and that negates everything else. he can ACT nice, when it suits him. but he is still in active addiction, and nothing changes.

carolineno

I wish it was obscure and ramble-y! Unfortunately I can relate. When we are dealing with people on mind altering substances, consistency and maturity from them seems to be absent. I used to hope that things would change and I wouldn't be dealing with what felt like 5 different personalities throughout the day from one addict, but things never did change. Now I've changed. I've definitely been where you are now though, if that helps.

thousandwords53

This. Yuppers.
I need to throw away my rose tinted glasses for the interim. Lol.

mylifeismine

Denial is our drug of choice..... At least now I see it clearly, even
during a relapse. I really dislike the emotional hangovers.....

dandylion

thousandwords....a part of the story is that alcoholics forget much more than you probably realize.....
When they are drinking, their memory is lousy.......

sauerkraut

I really relate to the A's inability to be told 'no.' My STBXAH was/is that way. It's such a relief to be away from him so when he goes whacko and starts sending me multiple angry texts because I said no about something that I have every right to say no about, I can just turn off the sound and put my phone face down. Peace.

thousandwords53

Thank you all for your replies. I know I'm a broken record on here. I need to be firm and make (and keep!) boundaries so I don't keep setting myself up for disappointment. It is to the point where I need to not engage with him when he's drinking. I slowly started reengaging in the evenings while he drinks and I sit next to him and we talk like we are normal. So I start believing that facade. I need a detachment refresher.

dandylion

thousandwords....keeping the list of the "bad things" with you to read, at all times, helps a lot. I carried mine on a 3 x 5 card, tucked into my bra, most of the time....lol.....

ladyscribbler

I used to confuse the absence of outright abuse with good behavior. Just because it felt less bad didn't mean it was healthy. My ex could behave decently when it suited him, but he never truly cared how his behavior impacted me and the kids.

Our needs were never on his radar. He didn't truly care about anyone but himself. As long as everything revolved around him and what he wanted things were fine. Otherwise, watch out.

I didn't realize how soul-suckingly exhausted I actually was until I was away from him for awhile. All of a sudden I had energy and free time and choices about how I wanted my day to look. It was a little scary because I was so used to everything revolving around his whims, then suddenly I was adrift in a sea of emotional freedom for the first time in many years.

Once I had some breathing space, I got really, really angry. All the emotions I had stuffed because there was no room for anyone's moods but his came bursting to the surface. If someone had a headache he had a migraine. If someone had a migraine he had a brain tumor. If someone was sad he was suicidal. If someone was angry he overtopped them with screaming rage that could be conjured from nothing and hang around seething for days afterward. So eventually I quit acknowledging my feelings, even privately. It was too dangerous otherwise.

All of a sudden, with that dynamic gone, it was just me, myself and I. It felt really foreign and uncomfortable, and I directed a fair amount of that anger and pain and shame at myself. Once I was away from him, I had a period of intense emotional purging. It was uncomfortable, and I think that's part of what I was avoiding with my denial, which allowed me to stay where I was and keep my external focus.

Maudcat

Well said, Ladyscribbler.

sauerkraut

1000words53,
Do you meditate? If not, you might want to learn. Oprah and Deepak have occasional free series for beginners. For me, meditating was a very helpful way of detaching from STBXAHs craziness when we were still in the same house. He could be lying in bed next to me, ranting about whatever, and I would calmly focus on my breathing and relax. Soon enough his ranting would peter off because he wasn't getting any reaction from me, just minimal 'mm hms' so he knew I wasn't ignoring him.

Before I learned to do that I had only two options, both of which were miserable: defend myself and fight back, which escalated the situation, or go along with whatever he wanted and said, which made me furious.

Nata1980

Yes, this. Mine is in notes on my phone - always easily accessible

Lady scribbler - describes my experience closely, especially the "emotional purging". It was outright scary at first, and I wanted it to shut off, but then figured out that I shall ride it out. And I did!

CaptainM

Not sure how I missed this thread last week, but WOW can I relate to a lot of what is being said. Thousandwords... been there and felt what you're feeling. The different personalities and emotions from him ranged from day until night. We're now separated and my head is getting clearer and I thankfully don't have to deal with that roller coaster any longer, but wow... it was an exhausting ride.

And LadyScribbler... I'm going to paraphrase, but you really hit it on the nail for me, too! "My ex could behave decently when it suited him, but he never truly cared how his behavior impacted me ..." YES x 100.

"Our needs were never on his radar. He didn't truly care about anyone but himself. As long as everything revolved around him and what he wanted things were fine. Otherwise, watch out." yup yup yup.

"I didn't realize how soul-suckingly exhausted I actually was until I was away from him for awhile. All of a sudden I had energy and free time and choices about how I wanted my day to look. It was a little scary because I was so used to everything revolving around his whims, then suddenly I was adrift in a sea of emotional freedom for the first time in many years. Once I had some breathing space, I got really, really angry." <-- Yes again to all of this. I'm in the middle of this now. I cannot believe how exhausting it all was! I also had no idea what sort of recovery I needed when I finally pulled my head out of the sand. Glad to have realized it and now be focusing on my recovery