STBXAH is being released from Rehab tomorrow
 

Hi everyone,

After 30 days at an in-patient rehab center, my stbxah will be released tomorrow. We're separated and haven't lived together in 3 months - which has been truly life changing (not an understatement!). His mother (who is a recovering A) is picking him up and taking him back to our place (I live w/my parents). The more I've learned about alcoholism the more light is shined on HER, but that is a different story for another day :) Let's just say, I see clearly now how manipulative she is over everyone she is around. She is sober but not working a program at all.

So, I have received six letters from stbxah while he has been in rehab and the first 5 all followed the same theme: here's what I'm doing in rehab, wow I didn't know how bad my drinking was, I hope you find it in your heart to give us another chance, please come visit me (I never did), I was on the wrong Rx but now I'm on the right one... no talks of a future plan of action or not. No real apologies.

I wrote him 1 letter and the theme of mine was - I'm happy you're doing better, I'll always been cheering for you to do well but I'm walking away. I'm not giving up (his favorite thing to say to me) but I am walking away and I've come to terms that I won't be around to see you succeed, but I hope you do. I wanted to send this to him while he was basically surrounded to therapy/AA/Help 24/7

His 6th letter back to me was nothing less than nasty. Blame, guilt tripping, manipulation, saying I'm "cryptic" and that he hopes I "don't make it a habit to walk away from tough things in life," etc. Ayi yi yi.

I am not quite sure what to expect once he is out tomorrow with full access to phone, car, texts, etc. (Car for only a few more weeks... he has a DUI court date soon). I'm basically bracing for impact. I asked for No Contact a while back - it's been broken, but I think tomorrow is a good of day as any to start again! I know where I stand (we're over) but he is still in denial.

My goal is to present him with our property settlement agreement soon so we can get to a place where we can file for divorce. I originally wanted to present these to him when he was fresh out of rehab, but he seems emotionally unstable and I'm afraid if he gets the papers right now he will be totally uncooperative. I need to find out his lawyer's name so I can send directly to them...

Just to be clear, mom is taking him back to the former marital home, but you are living with your folks?

Do you know that he even has a lawyer? Have you formally filed for divorce? If so, his lawyer's name should be on record with the court where your divorce is pending. If there is no lawyer's name on file, then he hasn't formally retained one. I believe that everywhere it's the lawyer's duty to file an entry of appearance when they are retained in connection with a specific pending legal action.

Hi Lexie! Correct - his mom is taking him to former martial home and I'm in another town w/my folks :) She may stay w/him at the former martial home for a while or take him to her home for the holidays... TBD.

Have not formerly filed for divorce. Working on property settlement agreements first. He said he has a divorce attorney, but I don't know for certain. I do know the name of his DUI/Traffic attorney.

Well . . . in a backa$$tward way, it must be kinda nice to have your decision reaffirmed :dee.

Let us know how you get on.

Courage and healing to you.

Do you have an attorney? Because having him stay in your home while you move out is a little concerning, depending on how much of an asset it is, especially since it doesn't sound like his recovery program did much for him.

If you have an attorney, all necessary communication can go through them and you can block him everywhere else. Yes, it's not cheap but knowing where you stand and what your rights are is priceless, especially if it gets uglier.

I do have an attorney - and she's great :) We're planning to sell the home early in 2017. I like the idea of just having all communications going through my attorney to him. Done and done.

Thanks, all! I think I'm more concerned w/that to expect from him once he's out tomorrow. More of the same I guess? lots of his quacking...

Excellent...I would have her present the property settlement to him, not you.

You've already seen what you're likely to get...alternating tactics of guilt, nostalgia, drama, blame, displacement, apologies, tantrums, blablabla.

Stay strong and block him. There's nothing left that hasn't been said..

Yup. Stay strong. Let your attorney do his/her thing. I don't think you can expect anything other than what you've already got. He may get even more erratic and unpredictable as he works through the process of discovering that you are serious.

Staying no contact will bring you untold peace of mind and in my experience, any response is just pouring gas on the fire anyway.

All states are different but in the end there is no blocking of anything where I live. He could either cooperate reasonably with the sale of the house and splitting of personal belongings - or the judge would do it independent of either of us, but it would get done.

remember that you don't have to respond to phone calls,texts, emails, or even a knock at the door- you can uphold your end of the no contact.

Yeah, I agree now is a good time for NC. Hang in there - you sound peaceful, resolved and STRONG!!

And yeah - he reinforced that you are doing the right thing.

I would expect that if you hear from him, he will flip flop between remorse / hopeful buzz words he heard in treatment / and apologies....and guilt, anger and blame towards you. Depends on the day and your reaction s or lack there of.

Just a guess... ;)

Update - 2 calls and many texts today from stbxah, fresh out of rehab. I've now officially blocked him.

He says he wants to meet up so he can "tell me things" and I told him I am not able to meet, but if he needs to discuss house/mortgage stuff we can do that over the phone tomorrow. To which he said "why are you making this so hard" and "you can't hide at your parents house forever" -- which to me is a borderline threat and I quickly blocked him as a result. If house things come up he can email me or go through my attorney.

He is angry and in denial. Bad combo. He and his mom are heading to her place up north until after New Years, so I at least know I'll have physical space. I plan to take someone with me when I go check on the house, pick up mail, etc. Thank you all for your encouraging words.

"why are you making this so hard"
"He is angry and in denial."

being the ex drunk in a similar situation here, id say also blaming others for the state of his affairs.

If the calls/texts persist in spite of your expressed wish not to hear from him, or if the communications become more threatening, contact the police and/or apply for a protective order. That can stop the contact from escalating.

Block him and don't engage with him. This could go on a long time if you let it. They say it is very hard to get rid of an alcoholic.

Sending hugs, and stay on course

You are doing the right things! I agree - if he keeps pushing, a protection order can help curb those pushy impulses. Stay string - it's so difficult and youre doing great!!

If you are really going no contact, he shouldn't be a concern. At least not YOUR concern.