Can anyone relate to my situation??
 

I am looking for help for my family and myself and was referred to this group! My story is a little bit different than others because I didn't realize my husbands drinking was bad until we separated. I will try to sum it up as quickly as I can. My husband and I had an amazing love story. We got together in 2003 and married in 2008. About 4 years ago, I noticed him changing. He wasn't as caring, kind, open, etc. When I said something to him, he ignored it but things only got worse. He began shutting down all together. He wasn't there for me emotionally for big things that happened. In the past, he definitely would have been. For the last 2 years, things have been really bad. We tried therapy but he would never open up even when I told him he needed to. Eventually, he was sleeping on the couch. I would always initiate conversation but he still wouldn't open up to me. It caused me to get very angry and fight with him. In July we were seeing a new couples therapist. I told her I wanted to work on the marriage but I wasn't sure if it would work out. He told her he was 100% in it and wanted to fix our marriage. In August, we got into a big fight and I had had enough. I told him to leave. I had asked him in the past for a small separation so that we could think about our relationship but he never went. Our therapist thought it was a good idea. I never left because I have no where to stay. Anyway, he left the house and for the first week we talked and so each other like everything was normal. I thought I was getting the break I had asked for until I called him the following week and ask him what the next step was and he told me he was done with our marriage. He never even have the decency to call me and tell me he felt this way! Since then, he has changed a lot. He is like a stranger to me. He supports me and the family financially. When it comes to emotions, he has done. He has seen me cry, he has seen me angry, sad, desperate, everything. He has never shown me any emotion except anger. In the beginning, I will try to touch him like hug him and he would back away. He makes me feel horrible about myself. He doesn't stick to schedules for the kids but if you ask him, it's all about the kids. I tried to explain it to him how hard it is for me with our 3 boys and how hard it is on them but he says they are fine. They are not fine at all. He sees the kids less and less. When he doesn't have the kids or is not working, nobody knows where he is. I have told him several times if he is seeing someone else he should tell me because that would be a deal-breaker and he would not have to worry about me wanting to be with him anymore. He insists to me and other people there is no one else. He's paranoid also. He shut off his personal phone and only uses his work phone. I know that he did this because he thinks I track him, which I do not. After months of driving myself crazy because I can't believe someone could go from loving me so much to being so cold and unemotional, my therapist asked me if I think he drinks too much. He asked me this because of his actions and his ability to shut off all emotions. After a few weeks of thinking about it, talking about it with my therapist and watching my husband, I finally realized that his drinking is definitely the problem. He lives at his mom's house and I took note that he drank almost 2 big bottles of vodka in less than 2 weeks. I feel less crazy but I am so upset that this is the problem. I grew up with alcoholic parents who I no longer talk to because they chose alcohol over me. I also can't believe that I didn't realize this was a problem when he was living at home. When I would say something years ago he would tell me I was overreacting because I grew up with alcoholic parents. Now I realize how much vodka he was drinking several times a week. I got him to go to therapy with me last Monday where at I brought up that I think he has a drinking problem. Therapist asked him some questions and he answered honestly. He stated that he has three or four drinks a week which consists of four or five shots of vodka in a glass. He also admitted that he drinks in front of the kids but does not see a problem with it. She said that he is a moderate Drinker right now and that he has a problem and needs to get help. She also said it is very bad that he is drinking in front of the kids. Since last week, he has been really mean to me. At first, he was insisting on a divorce. He's been saying divorce since the beginning but never pushed it like this. He says everything you can imagine like I can quit anytime I want to or I don't have a problem. He told me yesterday that he hadn't had a drink in a week but I don't believe him. Saturday night he went out and didn't get home until the middle of the night. If not drinking, what was he doing? Anyway, if there anyone out there who can relate? Do you think his actions and not having or sharing feelings could be because of the drinking??
Thank you so much.

Wiser souls than mine will soon chime in, I'm sure, but I just wanted to reassure you that you've found a good place for support and help. Many of us have gone through situations similar to ours, during which we gradually realized the extent of the problem we were facing and our inability to change anyone but ourselves.

I'm glad you're getting financial support from your husband; this would be a good time to talk to a lawyer so you can start making plans for what you need and can expect, once you're ready to move forward. For example, since you have concerns about his drinking around the kids, you might want to try to get sobriety monitoring in place, if he has shared custody.

There is some great information in the "stickies" posted above.

As to him being a moderate drinker, obviously I have no idea. However, I've been told that many addicts admit to drinking about half of what they actually consume. Your instincts are probably correct.

Welcome, and keep posting. It helps.

Whatever it is, it sounds as if he has checked out of the marriage. When that happens, it's futile and demoralizing to try to keep hanging on.

I'd suggest working alone with a therapist on the prospect of ending the marriage. If you haven't seen a lawyer yet, that would be another good move. I don't understand the therapist's statements that he is a "moderate" drinker but needs help. Moderate drinkers don't need help. But even if he's an alcoholic, it sounds as if he's not interested in help--just in getting out.

Yes, first off get protection for yourself. You will need to be the "grown up" parents and make the sound decisions for your children. Being around kids drinking is something that's so prevalent in my world, doesn't make it right but it's it's the driving that makes people draw the line. I hope your kids Dad is safe like that. Glad you are here.

Welcome Jmv! I'm glad you found us but also so very sorry for the reason you have come here.

I remember when my qualifier got into drugs. I was working in another state and we would talk on the phone. I couldn't figure out what was going on. It was like he was going nuts. I think if I would have been an outsider watching, I would have guessed.

It does sound like he is drinking. This hurts beyond agony. Please take care of yourself: eat well, exercise, go to alanon, everything and anything. What you are enduring is no joke it is so difficult.

Let us know how you do. Many hugs!

Jmv- welcome indeed. Hello there- welcome. What ever is going on- it sucks big time. A marriage is a dance for 2- you are doing this alone. No new advice but agreement on stuff already said. Keep up with looking after yourself and your children. Focus on that- not your hubby- he has his mummy. Keep posting (here comes my mantra) SR is a safe, welcoming and supportive community. There are lots of threads- including one for family and friends of alcoholics and a women only space. I would suggest exploring going to Al-anon- support for family. Addiction can cause huge change in a person when it finally takes over. That could very well be the case. The advice about a lawyer, financial security etc are relevant.
Mine is a weird story in many ways- I was the alcoholic who destroyed my family unit. For the sake of your children and yourself- try to move on with your life, not his.
Thankyou for sharing your stuff. Prayers to you. PJ

JMV.....given that you were raised by two alcoholic parents....I suggest that you look into Adult Children of Alcoholics and/or Alanon....in addition to counseling for yourself.....
I ;agree that you might want to scrap marriage counseling for individual therapy for yourself....
Marriage counseling is for those who want to repair their marriage......one person can't save a marriage, alone...and marriage counselors do not have a magic wand......
It sounds like he wants out! I think a lawyer is the most important person to see, at this moment...

Given his patterns...you can probably guess what he might be doing in the middle of the night, when he doesn't come home.....
Please practice safe sex and you can ask your doctor to do testing for std's.....It is better to be safe than sorry, in this department....

You said that you were the alcoholic? If you dont mind me asking, how did you destroy your family? Was it similar to my story? Did it happen over time? Were you ever able to fix it? Thanks!

Dear JMV
I am so sorry for you and your boys.
The drinking, as they say in AA, is a symptom of a deep spiritual problem. Whatever the main issue is, I have to agree with the others here that it sounds like he has walked out of his marriage. What you are describing, though, sounds like what a lot of others have posted here where alcohol was a major factor.

Thank you all for the replies! Just to answer some questions, I am therapy by myself. I have also gone to a couple of AlAnon meetings. I am meeting with a lawyer on Thursday. I know what I need to do for me and the kids but I still have problems getting through some days. It is so hard when nobody(friends, family, therapists) cannot give me answers except that he became this way because of his drinking. And what do I do when I move on? Give up on him and give up all hope that he will get better and we can work on our marriage? Is it stupid of me to hold onto a little bit of hope?

I agree. So, do I give up on him and our marriage completely? Is there ever a chance of him getting help and realizing what has happened?

Jmv2003, no one can tell you that there is or isn't hope for him. I wish we could.

The best thing you can do for yourself and for him is to accept that he is the way he is right now, and to make the best decisions available for yourself and your children accordingly.

He may or may not change. Whether he does or not is entirely up to him. It is not "giving up" to let go of someone who must navigate their way out of their pain on their own, and in their own time.

"Is it stupid of me to hold onto a little bit of hope?"

Absolutely not. But as they say...hope is not a plan.

So many of us have walked in your shoes. I can only speak for my situation but my husband lied at every turn to protect his drinking. My life was completely insane. I divorced a man that I loved. We've been divorced six years and he is still as active as ever and has been through multiple arrests, hospitalizations, etc. I simply could no longer participate.

I have learned to say a prayer for him and enjoy my wonderful life.

SparkleKitty is right. There are all kinds of "maybes" in the world, but right now it doesn't seem like he has any desire to change. And it's hard to say how much of what you are seeing is caused by drinking. He could get completely sober and still not want to be in the marriage.

Letting go is a whole different concept than giving up. Yes, in a sense you are giving up, but you are only giving up what was never yours to control in the first place. Letting go is freeing--it isn't defeat. It's accepting reality, as it is, and living your own life (which you CAN control) accordingly.

Yep, this sounds incredibly close to my experience. RAH & I had drank together socially for years & despite being a child of an addict, I missed every sign of it in my husband of many years.

His drinking escalated during our 2-yr separation & became a lot more obvious over time in his behaviors even if I *still* wasn't catching all the addiction clues. I thought we were just having marital problems but I wasn't ever making headway with those either, nor could I name a problem that didn't circle back to his drinking in some way (when I finally figured out the connections).

His behavior was very much like you describe here, including a lot of disappearing acts with his drinking crowd & the hot/cold treatment of me. He acted like I was the most horrible person he'd ever met at times, yet swore he loved me, there was no one else, yada, yada yada. He slowly replaced our good friends in his life with those he considered worse off than him in some way.... allowing him to keep feeling better about himself by comparison, no matter how far he slid into unacceptable behaviors. Shutting down & shutting off was easier than fixing what was wrong in his life & when he was overwhelmed he turned to alcohol.... and the circle just kept turning.

One big difference for me was that it was my husband who eventually connected the dots between his issues & his alcohol intake. Having not been around for that part of his life much in that timeframe, I had NO clue how much he'd gotten to drinking OR that it had become much, much more emotionally based than the social thing it had been for so many years.

Here's my initial post to this forum, maybe it'll help you feel less alone (most of my story is in a separate post at the bottom of this thread): :hug:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...thank-you.html

You’ve gotten some great advice and as it was mentioned above…….it’s always good to have “hope” but hope is not a plan. You are taking the necessary steps for yourself and your children by seeking out al-anon, talking with an attorney and therapist and coming here to SR.

One of the things you mentioned I wanted to touch on. You mentioned that your parents were both alcoholics and that they chose drinking over you which is why you no longer have a relationship with them. If only alcoholism were as easy as just making a choice – none of us would be here and there really wouldn’t be a need for rehabs, AA, Al-anon etc. I think if you research as much as you can about the disease of alcoholism and learn as much as you can it may help open up a new though process.

And when I say new though process doesn’t mean excuse away their behaviors based on disease but more for your own self- preservation and no self- blame. Often our own thinking goes something like, if only I were this or that, if only I said this or that, if only I could act this way and not that way……….then maybe they would stop drinking!!!

The other thought process we have is blaming it all on the booze and believing that if the booze was no longer part of the big picture then everything would be great once again. The fact is it’s not the booze that makes an addict it’s the need to escape reality.

Keep going to al-anon and therapy and do some research become educated on alcoholism. And keep posting.

Yes, your story sounds familiar in that it took a very long time to realize it was the drinking that was the problem. I knew something was off for sure for years in my marriage but couldn't quite put my finger on it. My Ex AH was withdrawn and emotionally unavailable and wouldn't participate with me and the kids activities much. My ex is a closet drinker so he hid it well. Also my original perception of and A was the homeless, jobless falling down drunk we all think of. It never dawned on me that the man who went to work everyday and appeared sober just unavailable could be an A. Sure enough, when I began educating myself and reading here I learned he was.

So yes, it is very possible to realize afterwards that alcohol is the problem. Instead of focusing on his actions, focus on yours. Set boundaries and stick to them. If he doesn't want to stick to the kids schedule then he misses out. Instead of focusing on where he is and what he is doing in his free time, focus on you and what you like to do. Do things that make you happy with people who make you happy. Unfortunately you cant change anything about him or his actions. If he wants to be part of yours and the kids lives then he will. If he doesn't then he will not and right now he may not know what he wants. No amount of worrying, talking or pleading with him will change that. See a lawyer so that you have all the information you need to make decisions in your best interest if you need to. Focus on you and your recovery and be the best mom you can be to those boys. Hugs for you, you are in a tough place right now. Things will become clearer soon. Hang in there.

It's possible but not big enough of a chance to keep hanging on. It's a good idea to read stickies and learn more about the progression of alcoholism. He has to have a burning desire to stop drinking, and it doesn't sound like it's there. People don't stop drinking for family, they do it for their own reasons.

Let me ask you all this....

What does he want from me?????? He doesn't want me to be emotional or try to talk about us but this past week when I keep it strictly about the kids or future plans, he gets mean. He also blames everything on me still and makes me take care of all of the separation stuff like getting all the info and seeing lawyers. Why is this???
We have not spoken to or seen each other all week which I love! It helps me get through things. In the past when I tried to back off, he was nicer to me but this time he has been kind of mean. I am not longer calling him, asking questions etc. We have been going back and forth through email with the schedule for the kids. One email I added something about our separation. I only did this b/c he knew I was seeing a lawyer. I will copy and paste below. I want you to see how he has to throw something in his email about divorce but says it so harshly...

FROM ME:
I am still taking all of the information I have gotten and trying to figure out the best thing to do for us and the kids. I have not hired a lawyer so that is not something you have to worry about right now. I am trying to figure out an ideal permanent schedule for the kids and getting other information together that will help us figure out a way to work this out whether we divorce or do a legal separation.

FROM HIM:
Let me know what you think is best for how we proceed. I realize a divorce is good, to just end things. I thought you having time to work on whatever you have to work on, keeping the healthcare plan would be helpful. I know I'm not very emotional, so this might be too hard.

Why did he have to add the comment about divorce? Its good just to end things?? He does things like this all of the time!! Hes going to make me hate him!!

If I had to guess, he wants out but wants you to take all the responsibility for it. It's probably an attempt at "plausible deniability"--trying to make it look like YOUR choice, not his.

I'm not suggesting this is all that calculated on his part--he's probably just trying to find a way to rationalize this to himself and to his friends/family.

If you know he's talked to a lawyer, why are you telling him you haven't got one? Moreover, why are you telling him he doesn't "have to worry about" it? I'd suggest you GET one, tout de suite. You need to know where you stand, and how to protect yourself financially and legally.