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Can anyone relate to my situation??

Old 12-18-2016, 06:46 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
If I had to guess, he wants out but wants you to take all the responsibility for it. It's probably an attempt at "plausible deniability"--trying to make it look like YOUR choice, not his.
I literally just said this to my friend! If I file, I look like the bad guy! But what if I don't? Will he??

I'm not suggesting this is all that calculated on his part--he's probably just trying to find a way to rationalize this to himself and to his friends/family.

If you know he's talked to a lawyer, why are you telling him you haven't got one? Moreover, why are you telling him he doesn't "have to worry about" it? I'd suggest you GET one, tout de suite. You need to know where you stand, and how to protect yourself financially and legally.
I think you read that wrong. He does not have a lawyer. He doesnt follow through with anything. I have seen 2 lawyers. I told him not to worry right now(for the holidays). I want the kids to have somewhat of a nice Christmas . The bad thing is, is that I cannot afford these lawyers so I have to figure something else out.
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Old 12-18-2016, 07:14 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Oh, sorry, yeah, I did read that as you knew HE was seeing a lawyer. Brain transposed the sentence.

I still wouldn't worry about reassuring him. He doesn't need to know what you're doing.

It's possible to represent yourself in a divorce, though with kids and any substantial property/debt it isn't a good idea. But if you don't think he's going to be fighting anything, you might try finding a lawyer willing to advise you and to look over the paperwork you draft. You certainly need to be sure you draft everything correctly, but there are some lawyers willing to help out in this way. Might take some doing to find one, but it's worth looking into. At the very least it might significantly reduce your legal fees. And if he lawyers up, you definitely won't want to be going it alone.
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Old 12-18-2016, 07:24 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Oh, sorry, yeah, I did read that as you knew HE was seeing a lawyer. Brain transposed the sentence.

I still wouldn't worry about reassuring him. He doesn't need to know what you're doing.

It's possible to represent yourself in a divorce, though with kids and any substantial property/debt it isn't a good idea. But if you don't think he's going to be fighting anything, you might try finding a lawyer willing to advise you and to look over the paperwork you draft. You certainly need to be sure you draft everything correctly, but there are some lawyers willing to help out in this way. Might take some doing to find one, but it's worth looking into. At the very least it might significantly reduce your legal fees. And if he lawyers up, you definitely won't want to be going it alone.
Well, after meeting with 2 lawyers, they each said it is very soon to be filing for divorce and if I am not 100% set on it(I am not) then I shouldnt do it and that I should just go with a separation agreement.

I'm just so annoyed! Why is he doing this? I know drinking is his issue but why does he not seem happier that I have backed off and I am leaving him alone?
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Old 12-18-2016, 08:54 PM
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OK, well, the same goes for legal separation. You still need advice and need to do it the right way. Do you know what needs to go into the agreement to protect yourself and your kids?

Why does it matter whether he's happy about what you do or don't do? You're looking to make sense out of something that doesn't make sense. The actions of alcoholics rarely make sense. The common thread here seems to be he's not happy with whatever you do or don't do. Pretty standard operating mode for alcoholics--everything is always someone else's fault. If you're hoping to hit on some combination that will make him behave like a responsible, rational adult, I think you're in for a long, frustrating wait.
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Old 12-18-2016, 09:05 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
OK, well, the same goes for legal separation. You still need advice and need to do it the right way. Do you know what needs to go into the agreement to protect yourself and your kids?

Why does it matter whether he's happy about what you do or don't do? You're looking to make sense out of something that doesn't make sense. The actions of alcoholics rarely make sense. The common thread here seems to be he's not happy with whatever you do or don't do. Pretty standard operating mode for alcoholics--everything is always someone else's fault. If you're hoping to hit on some combination that will make him behave like a responsible, rational adult, I think you're in for a long, frustrating wait.
Knowing that he is this way b/c of drinking is scary. I don't even like leaving the kids with him in case he drinks. It doesnt seem like there is much I can do about that though.
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Old 12-18-2016, 09:25 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Why is he doing this?
I used to ask myself the same questions about my sister about so many of her actions. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out her motivations. I still do have empathy for her, but I realized one thing: I could spend years trying to figure out her motivations, but if SHE didn't want to figure things out for herself it wasn't going to matter one whit.

Please do consult with a lawyer. You need a child custody agreement with teeth to protect your children. What happens if he shows up drunk for a pickup? What happens if he refuses to give a time for a pickup (apparently my sister does this all the time with her ex) and you burn through an entire day so you can be available? What are the consequences if he fails to pick up his kids? Will you let him schedule/re-schedule whenever he feels like it? What about first refusal? And what about SoberLink? There are just so many details that an experienced lawyer can guide you through that you just wouldn't be able to think of.
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Old 12-18-2016, 09:45 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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JMV- just got back to your thread- sorry. My story is a new thread under my avatar in Newcomer's. No - there was not any reconciliation. The damage was far and deep. Something which I accept and in my clumsy way try to make amends by remaining sober and attempting to grow up emotionally. To respect my family- I basically leave them alone. That is what directed my thoughts in my original reply to your narrative. I hope this is of some use to you.
Prayers to you and your family- PJ.
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Old 12-20-2016, 09:33 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by unsureoffuture View Post
Yes, your story sounds familiar in that it took a very long time to realize it was the drinking that was the problem. I knew something was off for sure for years in my marriage but couldn't quite put my finger on it. My Ex AH was withdrawn and emotionally unavailable and wouldn't participate with me and the kids activities much. My ex is a closet drinker so he hid it well. Also my original perception of and A was the homeless, jobless falling down drunk we all think of. It never dawned on me that the man who went to work everyday and appeared sober just unavailable could be an A. Sure enough, when I began educating myself and reading here I learned he was.

So yes, it is very possible to realize afterwards that alcohol is the problem. Instead of focusing on his actions, focus on yours. Set boundaries and stick to them. If he doesn't want to stick to the kids schedule then he misses out. Instead of focusing on where he is and what he is doing in his free time, focus on you and what you like to do. Do things that make you happy with people who make you happy. Unfortunately you cant change anything about him or his actions. If he wants to be part of yours and the kids lives then he will. If he doesn't then he will not and right now he may not know what he wants. No amount of worrying, talking or pleading with him will change that. See a lawyer so that you have all the information you need to make decisions in your best interest if you need to. Focus on you and your recovery and be the best mom you can be to those boys. Hugs for you, you are in a tough place right now. Things will become clearer soon. Hang in there.
Hi there! I must have missed your post the other day but I love you advice. Everything you said is right on and I'm doing good focusing on myself right now. It's making me a better mom!
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Old 12-20-2016, 09:34 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by PhoenixJ View Post
JMV- just got back to your thread- sorry. My story is a new thread under my avatar in Newcomer's. No - there was not any reconciliation. The damage was far and deep. Something which I accept and in my clumsy way try to make amends by remaining sober and attempting to grow up emotionally. To respect my family- I basically leave them alone. That is what directed my thoughts in my original reply to your narrative. I hope this is of some use to you.
Prayers to you and your family- PJ.
Thank you!
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Old 12-20-2016, 12:25 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Jmv2003 View Post
What does he want from me?????? He doesn't want me to be emotional or try to talk about us but this past week when I keep it strictly about the kids or future plans, he gets mean. He also blames everything on me still and makes me take care of all of the separation stuff like getting all the info and seeing lawyers. Why is this???
I don't know for certain that it's the same with your AH, but AXH just wanted (wants) drink whenever he wants to. If I was wasn't OK with his drinking, he just wanted to be left "the f- alone" to drink. He wanted to do whatever he wanted to do, whenever he wanted to do it, without having to consider anyone else or do anything he didn't want to do. Some one else would take care of the other stuff, the things that weren't fun (paying bills, getting groceries for the family (not just steak and beer for him), taking care of our son...).

I think he also wanted me to buy into and reinforce his idea that I couldn't live without him. I was supposed to be heartbroken and unable to cope or do anything without him. (Which, btw, also completely went against his habit of waiting for me to do all the hard work.) I was supposed to beg him to come back. It completely shot his perception of our relationship when I got on just fine - actually better - without him.

While that does explain some of AXH's behavior, it certainly doesn't explain it all. It took quite a bit of effort on my part to get to the point where - whatever his reasons were didn't matter - what mattered was how his behavior affected DS and I.
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Old 12-21-2016, 01:26 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Hi Jmv2003,
In re-reading your first post, I see that you said finding out that he had another woman would be a deal-breaker for you. Well, if he's an alcoholic, as it seems, he does have another 'partner.' Many of us here have realized as much with our spouses/ex-spouses. I used to kid mine that he was having an affair with "Sky," as in Sky vodka, until I realized it wasn't funny.

You can protect your kids--or at least try very hard to get sobriety monitoring in place for when he has custody--and it sounds like he's going to be reasonable in terms of finances, too. Go for initial legal consultations, which are often free, and get as much advice as you can about your best options to move forward.

As to your question about why he's pushing the 'divorce' button now, I don't know, but it sounds like he's being mean. He feels like you're attacking him by pointing out issues with his behavior, so he's turning around and attacking you, right in the heart.
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Old 12-22-2016, 10:44 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by sauerkraut View Post
Hi Jmv2003,
In re-reading your first post, I see that you said finding out that he had another woman would be a deal-breaker for you. Well, if he's an alcoholic, as it seems, he does have another 'partner.' Many of us here have realized as much with our spouses/ex-spouses. I used to kid mine that he was having an affair with "Sky," as in Sky vodka, until I realized it wasn't funny.

You can protect your kids--or at least try very hard to get sobriety monitoring in place for when he has custody--and it sounds like he's going to be reasonable in terms of finances, too. Go for initial legal consultations, which are often free, and get as much advice as you can about your best options to move forward.

As to your question about why he's pushing the 'divorce' button now, I don't know, but it sounds like he's being mean. He feels like you're attacking him by pointing out issues with his behavior, so he's turning around and attacking you, right in the heart.
Thank you so much! Everything you said makes so much sense!!
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Old 12-22-2016, 12:00 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Jmv2003 View Post
Let me ask you all this....

What does he want from me?????? He doesn't want me to be emotional or try to talk about us but this past week when I keep it strictly about the kids or future plans, he gets mean. He also blames everything on me still and makes me take care of all of the separation stuff like getting all the info and seeing lawyers. Why is this???
We have not spoken to or seen each other all week which I love! It helps me get through things. In the past when I tried to back off, he was nicer to me but this time he has been kind of mean. I am not longer calling him, asking questions etc. We have been going back and forth through email with the schedule for the kids. One email I added something about our separation. I only did this b/c he knew I was seeing a lawyer. I will copy and paste below. I want you to see how he has to throw something in his email about divorce but says it so harshly...

FROM ME:
I am still taking all of the information I have gotten and trying to figure out the best thing to do for us and the kids. I have not hired a lawyer so that is not something you have to worry about right now. I am trying to figure out an ideal permanent schedule for the kids and getting other information together that will help us figure out a way to work this out whether we divorce or do a legal separation.

FROM HIM:
Let me know what you think is best for how we proceed. I realize a divorce is good, to just end things. I thought you having time to work on whatever you have to work on, keeping the healthcare plan would be helpful. I know I'm not very emotional, so this might be too hard.

Why did he have to add the comment about divorce? Its good just to end things?? He does things like this all of the time!! Hes going to make me hate him!!
As hard as this is to hear, it sounds to me like he is basically saying he is done. He is telling you in so many words that divorce is what he really wants. He doesn't want you to be emotional because he doesn't want to have to take responsibility for anything..typical A response. It's not HIS fault the marriage is failing. Stating that would mean he would have to address the drinking and he is protecting that at all costs. I see he shifts the blame to you... "having time to work on your stuff" etc. No where do I see anything about how he is doing anything to improve the relationship. He is not admitting any fault and is not mentioning anything he would change. Are you OK with that? Can you accept him as he is? Actions speak louder than words.

Take a step back and focus on you and your needs. A lawyer is for you and the kids not him. Know your rights so that you can protect yourself. You can always stop the divorce process at any step of the way all the way until the end. Many reconcile and lawyers will even put a clause about it in the divorce decree. Seeing one and getting the information does not mean it wont work out in the end. However it takes two to make it work and right now it sounds as if you only have one.
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Old 02-14-2017, 11:19 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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help is hope

In response. I don't have children,but I can relate. I was a FA functional closet alcoholic for 15years the last five of them hardcore I drank a GALLON of vodka a day yes a DAY. it dumbfounds me that IM alive to share this. More than likely he's underplaying how much he really admits to drinking. We all do. He more than likely is a closet drinker like is was. Which in a way is a good thing, it keeps u put of trouble with the law. I have no record or duis as well. However I was homeless for thankfully a brief time but picked myself up after a nervous breakdown even back with my husband. He like yourself didn't realise my drinking was THAT bad. We never did therapy any of that. I do force myself to go to behavioral health just FOR myself and it has helped emensly. If you can get him to at least try that its half the battle THEN maybe he'd be more willing to agree with the couples therapy. For the record I will be 4 years sober coming up on the 18th of this month!!!!!

Last edited by sedona74; 02-14-2017 at 11:22 AM. Reason: spelling
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