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Its time

Old 12-12-2016, 05:37 AM
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Its time

Tried one more time...RAH apologized for his behavior Friday night...i forgave ...told him we could continue to go forward...i dont know why...i guess i am the peace maker always...afraid of feeling judged...or wrong (mostly by his family/his mother..not him because my care for that has long gone away)...that im not being supportive enough, understanding enough or trying hard enough...anyways...we spent the day together...with the kids...made cookies...decorated them...painted..just tried to do family things...he came in a weird mood...not light...just heavy. I get annoyed with myself for trying...making sure hes happy..trying to keep things ok for the kids...i tried..kept my feelings of his attitude to myself...didnt engage in conversations that would have escalated...fast forward to the evening..
We are alone...kids in bed and he says he wants to talk...ok..so i give him my undivided attention...he wants to talk about how we dont talk...that its an issue we had in the past...(this goes both ways ....and i feel i am making the concious effort to do this now...but its hard with his emotional instability...NEVER know when i might trigger a negative spot...happens way too often right now)...i say i agree...
But what he really wants to talk about is that before his most recent irrational outburst that we were talking about him moving back home...(ugh)...so i let him talk...i listened...his conversation centered around how his "actions" have shown how much he does for us...that he realizes there will be triggers...(mostly done by me) and he thinks he needs to be here for the kids..they need it..us to be a family. He wants to know where i stand...so i start by saying that his actions have shown us a lot...but that his words tell a different story...he has said a lot of hurtful things...THEN he just goes off into a verbal assault as to this has always been about him..the focus always on what is wrong with him..never about me...i need to take a strong look at myself and blah blah blah...so i just sit there as whats the point really. Then he asks me something...so i say...case in point...i just sat and listened while you talked about where you see things...i didnt say a word...then i speak and you jump right in spewing verbal insults...so he apologizes and asks me to continue...so i say "i dont think we are ready" and then he explodes...tells me how this is going to work if we arent ready...he wont be able to give me as much money because he needs to start helping out the friend hes staying with..that i wont be able to do it on my own...that i am doing nothing to change myself (ive been going to IC for a month and a half) he scoffs at that because he doesnt see how its helping me at all....that i am selfish...lazy...a terrible mother...dont do anything but nothing...blah blah...and he left...thank goodness....
I am so done...so so so done....i just hate the guilt that comes with it...(again...mostly around his mother..she takes care of twins 3 days a week)...i just find it harder to deal with her and the fear of losing her more than him...i dont need him...i do need her.....
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Old 12-12-2016, 05:47 AM
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Ugh - sorry you are going through this - just know this is not unique, it is a mirror image of conversations I am having with my RXAH who is in early recovery.

You have nothing to feel guilty about - as for me, I have to gently remind XAH to stay on his side of the street and try my best not to engage. After I ignore him long enough he starts sounding a bit more coherent.

As for his mom - I am sure she enjoys time with the twins - if she starts trying to guilt trip you - sit down and explain what goes on and your rationale. This is true that you don't own her any explanation - but for me it made my communication with ex MIL so much better. She is still hurt but she has divorced an alcoholic herself so she can relate.

Hang in there - it will be better
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Old 12-12-2016, 05:48 AM
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Yikes. Sending you a hug.

What's his mother's attitude toward the situation? Is she denying, enabling or does she get it? If she gets it, maybe talk to her about what you're going through and that your main focus needs to be on having a healthy environment for your children?

That may be a bad suggestion if she's in denial about her baby boy, but since it seems to be the main stumbling block for you getting out of this situation, addressing it directly might be worth a try?

He is one piece of work. I keep hearing the Beatles song lyric in my head when I read your posts, "All through the day, I Me Mine, I Me Mine, I Me Mine." That's this guy.
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Old 12-12-2016, 05:50 AM
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Kw0920.....I am sooo glad that you are going to individual counseling! May I suggest that you might use the help of the counselor to help you find a plan of dealing with the mother-in-law situation...I know it has a lot of very practical concerns for you.....
Honestly, If it were me, I think I would start helping him to pack....

With his constant verbal abuse...it is hard to see how you have stood it this long!!! You are being emotionally abused on a daily basis....

You will get over your "false" guilt---with the help of your counselor and a support group like alanon or an abuse support group....

May I ask...how old are your twins?
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Old 12-12-2016, 06:39 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Kw0920.....I am sooo glad that you are going to individual counseling! May I suggest that you might use the help of the counselor to help you find a plan of dealing with the mother-in-law situation...I know it has a lot of very practical concerns for you.....
Honestly, If it were me, I think I would start helping him to pack....

With his constant verbal abuse...it is hard to see how you have stood it this long!!! You are being emotionally abused on a daily basis....

You will get over your "false" guilt---with the help of your counselor and a support group like alanon or an abuse support group....

May I ask...how old are your twins?
You are right...that was the main goal of starting IC...because i was feeling guilt over having the power to leave this man...finally! His mom yoyos between enabling and letting go...but i think she finds it easier to let go when i/we (me & AH) are willing to "try" on our relationship if that makes any sense?
The twins are 3...and i have a 16 year old from previous marriage...they (the three of them) are amazing and happy and my absolute salvation
I have managed to stay sane and stronger because of them...
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Old 12-12-2016, 06:57 AM
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His mom bounces back and forth...i think she has an easier time letting go when he and I are "trying" to work on things....if that makes sense.
Im just seeing so many different behaviors from him...so many different excuses. The things he is saying to me are so irrational and often contradicting...its actually comical but infuriating...
A big part of me feels he reacts the way he does because he wants me to end the relationship....he doesnt want to be the one to do it....and sadly i know in my heart that its been over for a while for me..i just keep trying to appease him...his mom/family..dont know how to put myself first....yet.
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Old 12-12-2016, 07:21 AM
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Kw0920, your in my thoughts. There's so many similarities. We don't talk about anything except what he wants to talk about and I just don't care anymore. It will never ever be about me. So I've taken myself out of any equation. If he would really care he would really make an effort. Same with you MIL she is a separate person with her own reasons to have a relationship. If she wants to have a relationship you two will find a way though it will be hard if you need to go no contact due to triggers.
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Old 12-12-2016, 07:32 AM
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Kw....I think it would help you enormously to stop trying to "figure him out"....
You will never be able to.....
The only thing that matters is the bottom line....his actions---how he treats you.

I realize that people become obsessed with trying to "figure out" the mind of the other person...because, it feels like, if we can figure them out, we can fix it!
I did the same thing, one time......

We cannot change another person....we can only control ourselves.
He is, obviously a deeply troubled person and, he is not willing to do whatever it takes to do the changing. He is oblivious to the pain that you and the family suffer....

You will have to trust that you will learn how to put yourself and your kids first, establish healthy boundaries, develop your own sense of self, etc., through ongoing therapy and group work.....
As well as ongoing study.....(knowledge is power).....

Other people are not more important than you......

Stop trying to figure him out...and, put that energy onto yourself....
You have been neglected for a long time...neglected by others and neglected by your own self!
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Old 12-12-2016, 08:02 AM
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I'm sorry you went through that....but good for you for sticking to your guns, and seeing things for what they are. Can you start looking for a way a way around the daycare situation? A friend that's a stay at home parent, or someone who can trade you daycare days for you watching their kids a different time? Those kinds of verbal assaults from my ex were killing me slowly. Stay strong, hoping for some answers for you soon.
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Old 12-12-2016, 08:32 AM
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and i feel i am making the concious effort to do this now...but its hard with his emotional instability...NEVER know when i might trigger a negative spot
Ugh, boy does that sound familiar! I constantly broke rules that existed in my ex's mind regarding my behavior. So glad to be out of that nonsense. You will be, too.

All you can do is be honest with your MIL. Hopefully she'll want to continue to watch your twins.
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Old 12-12-2016, 08:38 AM
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I just wanted to say so sorry for what you're going through. Stay strong. You deserve to be treated so much better. Prayers.
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Old 12-12-2016, 09:47 AM
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Hi, I just wanted to chime in that I too could have written the same description of "discussions" with my STBXAH. Those conversations are so wearying; they're masters at putting all the blame on us.

You've made one big step; he's out of the house. That's great.

Get the vision in your head for what you want, which sounds like a peaceful home for your lovely children and yourself, and then continuing moving toward it. You can do it.
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Old 12-12-2016, 10:00 AM
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You are all so right and bring so many amazing thoughts to tge table...so many things for me to shout out...YES..exactly ...things to think about....so grateful for all of you...it keeps me going...strenghthens what i KNOW i can do...how I WANT to be....had a good talk with MIL...she definitely understands what im going through and said she hates that i have to go through it..and agreed when i said i am jumping off...that my first priority is to stay sane and strong for my 3 sweet kiddos....
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Old 12-12-2016, 10:13 AM
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Also just chiming in here, I very much relate to your post. It is exhausting to try and be the best mom you can, make memories and experiences for your little ones...and to literally have dead, negative weight hanging around while things are supposed to be happy and enjoyable. Always in the background...Blame shifting and turning the conversation constantly back to them....It is time. And I agree with visualizing the future you want...it will build inside until that is all you will accept. MIL sounds like she is supportive which is a great relief I'm sure. Hang in there, and work towards your end goal! (peace)
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Old 12-12-2016, 10:26 AM
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You are correct......it is time!
Time to stop walking on eggshells
Time to stop feeling guilty
Time to start putting yourself and your children first
Time to stop worrying about what other people think
Time to let your MIL know what's really going on
Time to disconnect from the no -stop verbal diarrhea this moron spews
Time to call an attorney
Time to close the door

Good luck! YOU CAN DO IT!!
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Old 12-12-2016, 11:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Lilro View Post
You are correct......it is time!
Time to stop walking on eggshells
Time to stop feeling guilty
Time to start putting yourself and your children first
Time to stop worrying about what other people think
Time to let your MIL know what's really going on
Time to disconnect from the no -stop verbal diarrhea this moron spews
Time to call an attorney
Time to close the door

Good luck! YOU CAN DO IT!!
I know i can! It is TIME....thank you!!!hugs hugs hugs!!
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