Wells

The last time we texted about a month ago, she essentially said that her depression was deepening, she considered suicide at times, and that she'd attempted at times during our relationship, that she just hated herself every day, hated her job, hated her life, etc.

So many people would read that and say YOU DODGED A BULLET between that and all the issues with the drugs and the alcohol and yet my heart still goes out to her. I figure it is a combination of just having spent so many years together as a couple, as well as my own personal issues of attachment and co-dependence. My compassion remains.

Her texts which has been regular to that point stopped after that last conversation, and I have not initiated since. I also realized, the majority of the texts she had sent since the breakup, especially the longer-winded, were while she was drinking.

The optimist in me tells me that she decided to stop drinking and hence the texts stopped as well. Then again the pessimist in me says that she just found a new distraction that's willing to enable the party to continue. It is a weird feeling. I don't want to see her with someone else and I'm not sure if it is just out of jealousy or some odd possessiveness, or maybe it's because I know that is means that she is not going to get better. Maybe there are stories of alcoholics who start relationships and have those relationships be the catalyst for their recovery. I just haven't seen any.

It may just be the holiday season, but I find myself in that awful place of feeling extra alone, despite having quite a busy social calendar lately. Most things I see and do remind me that I am alone. Yet, I have no desire to start a fresh relationship at all. It's like this one broke me, to the point where I just lost that desire to try it again with someone new.

Thankfully, despite the low feelings, I know that there is no going back. A relationship with my ex drinking is just destined for disaster. I think she held out hope for a long time that the door would open and the drinking would be allowed, but maybe it just finally clicked that a life with me meant a life without alcohol, and well...she'll take what's behind door #2 please. Maybe a life alone, with alcohol, or a life with a new guy, with alcohol. After ten years I just can't go back to the well again.

The one thing I can truly say is that whatever her path, I hope she finds the one that gets her out of her depression. I love her too much for me to want her to feel miserable and hate herself every day. If there's a lifestyle she can choose to avoid her misery, more power to her. I don't know. I'm lonely, and I get low sometimes, but something tells me that I have no idea what goes on inside her brain relating to her depression.

If only her time to change would have come while we were together, I think we could have had a wonderful life together. So many adventures, laughs, hugs, left to have. It is the loss of those moments that is hard on the dark, quiet nights when it's time for bed. It doesn't help to have spent the last 2 weeks ill with no one to come home to and make you some soup, or stroke your head or just ask...are you feeling better today?

Despite it all, life goes on for me. I go to work, I do well. I stay in touch with my friends and family. I keep busy. I exercise. I accomplish projects and build new things around the house. I decorate. I clean. I do everything right. Yet, I am alone, and I do take accountability for that.

Yet the fleeting thoughts still creep in - She wasn't abusive, why didn't I just let her drink, be embarrassing, and put up with it in exchange for at least having someone? For not feeling like the weird single 40-something guy in a room full of couples and families? Was having a fraction of someone better than no one? I may not have that answer until I see what the next few decades have in store for me, I suppose.

Christmas is tough. Cards arrive in the mail full of family photos, reminders that everyone older and younger than me in the family has their happy, stable lives and here I sit, the "really nice guy" who never got married, who picked bad relationship after bad relationship, who got to the point where he's so jaded he's not sure he cares to embark on it again, yet also wishes there was a way to do it without the worry.

Life is precious. I will make the best of my moments, take care of myself, do good work, be good to those who are good to me. I will live a good life. Right now, it's a lonely life. I hope that changes somehow.

Yet, in those quiet moments, those unavoidable memories that creep in when you least expect them, of a long life lived together, you wonder...what if?

Bekindalways

Well said Wells ;-) I don't know if it is the short days or the holidays but it sure can be a tough time.

What you said below sure strikes a chord for me:
"I will make the best of my moments, take care of myself, do good work, be good to those who are good to me. I will live a good life. Right now, it's a lonely life."

We humans sure need out partners/communities/tribes.

I can't remember if you have been able to do any work on yourself (therapy, alanon etc) that has been helpful.

LexieCat

Hugs, Wells. You're still pretty close to the situation--life won't feel this way forever, I promise.

And one day you will be free of sadness over her life, realizing she isn't yours to worry about anymore. She has her own path, and you aren't the one who can save her. Hopefully she will get well someday. If she doesn't, though, believe me, there would have been no benefit to either one of you from staying together.

maia1234

Wells,
Hugs my friend. We all have moments like what you are having. Yes, it is so hard. Let's turn the situation around. Let's say that she has seen the light and wants to change. She wants to move forward and have you forgive her, just like that. Let by gones be by gones. Could you do it? Could you forgot the horrible things she has done? Could you forgive her? Could you trust her again?

I think you have grown immeasurably. Last month you were still "her
Therapist", today you are not. Every day we truly want them back, but not the way they truly are. We can not accept them for who they are. We want them to be who we want them to be. That is just not fair, and very selfish. You love her enough to respect her and let her be the person God wanted her to be. Love her enough and get out of her way.

I know the holidays will be tough, stay busy. There are a lot of wonderful women out there that want a decent guy like you. We do care and we all get it on this forum!!!

bluelily

Big hugs to you Wells! And thank you for sharing, I really really understand what you're going through.

Wells

As always it's great to hear from everyone, this is such a wonderful support system.

While I haven't ever embarked on any traditional therapy in my life, or attended any meetings, it's not out of the question for me. Lately I have been doing pretty well and when I have things on my mind, coming here and getting them out, even just the act of typing things out (even when I know some thoughts go against proper logic) can be quite therapeutic.

Lexie I appreciate that and I agree with you. We had been through so many ups, downs, actual breakups, almost-breakups, over the last 10 years, it became obvious that us being together under those circumstances was just destined for failure. It's what made the breakup so hard for me, was it was that final acceptance of the fact that we have been through the mill for so many years, nothing was changing, and it had to end.

Maia in answers to your excellent questions...

We are finally past the "I'm sorry, I'll try and do better" phase that flew for many years in the past. I had commitments of quitting, or cutting down, or doing better, or "not doing that again", or quitting for the new year, etc, enough times that didn't pain out to know that hearing "I want to change, I've seen the light" is nice, but not enough. For me it is all about action and not about words any more.

I think I mentioned in another thread that she contacted me with some wonderful messages a couple months back after viewing a TV special about a reporter with an alcohol addiction. She saw herself in the reporter, and vowed that she was so sorry for all she put me though, and she did not want to live life this way, and had seen the light, etc. I commended her. Less than a week later, she was back at the bars.

I must admit the codie side in me liked being her therapist in only that it showed there was still a connection and that she wanted to be a better person. So the lack of that does leave a bit of emptiness behind, but I know this is natural to feel this way. It does not change how I feel about the drinking or my resolve about not living that way any more.

Maia you make a fantastic point about this being the person she is, and not standing in the way of allowing her to live the lifestyle she wants to live. It's her right as an adult, as much as it is my right to live how I want. "Never deny someone their bottom" is a phrase I go back to often, though I know a lot of us are long gone before we ever see the bottom happen, or it never comes because there's always someone else there to enable and to catch, but again, their choices are theirs to make and like you said, VERY selfish of me to want to shape someone to be the person I want them to be, instead of allowing them to be the person they want to be.

Thanks all! Great insights.