Penguin87

I've been doing so well at my cousins this past week. It's been so nice to just relax and not have to worry about anything but then today I got an email from him about this home detox he wants. Telling me he has to cut down before he has it else they will refuse him. But he can't cut down without me and will I help him for the next two weeks. If I don't he thinks his drinking will just worsen and there will be no hope for him and eventually he will end up dead. He says if I help him he will then except we are over but please just help him once more. Whats two more weeks in the scheme of our time together! I've not replied.

He has tried so many detoxes only to start again as soon as the treatment is over. Why would I think this time is any different? There is no talk of AA or any other support so I know this time will be another fail and I think just before Christmas is a silly time especially when it's a trigger for him or excuse.

I'm not considering helping but just wanted to get it off my chest and get some support. Thanks

Ariesagain

You're in the UK, right? I believe he has access to addiction services through NHS?
You also have the Samaritans he can call. You are not an addiction professional, which is what he needs.

Trying to involve you as his only path to recovery is manipulative and doomed to fail...you know that.

Don't respond. You found peace in getting away from him, don't let him take that from you.

TobeC

I'm sorry but if he's a really heavy drinker he probably needs a medically supervised detox so he doesn't have a seizure or worse. At this point, he is behind self help and needs to pull his big boy pants up and surrender to the disease. Tell him it's okay to quit.m he fought the battle with the bottle and it won. Accept the defeat and get help. In patient rehab and seriously working a program will get him launched into a real chance of sobriety and a much, much better life. The freedom from the disease is beautiful.

PuzzledHeart

There's a reason why doctors refrain from treating family members. They don't have the distance needed to treat them effectively.

Another analogy: Having him ask you to treat him is like a patient asking a doctor for medical assistance - after that same patient has stabbed that doctor in the heart multiple times.

LexieCat

Glad you got it off your chest. He doesn't need you to detox. He DRANK when you were there, remember? You don't have some magic to help him. He can pick up the phone and call AA if he wants REAL help. But that would involve taking the risk that it might actually WORK--the HORROR!

Penguin87

Thanks Aries, I will stay strong. Yes I'm in the UK. He's an intelligent bloke and knows what help is out there for him and refuses it all. But then it's my fault when he can't stay sober and believes I don't care. I've pointed him in the right direction endless times only to be told he can sort it his way to which I've said is the addictions way of keeping him addicted by convincing himself he can fix it. Rubbish!

Penguin87

Great analogies PH, you made me smile, but so so so true.

Penguin87

Exactly Lexie, he got himself in this state...like you say while I was there and it's convenient that's it's only now I've gone that he wants to stop drinking and isn't denying drinking. This detox is just another ploy to try and get me back so he can remain as he's been.

Penguin87

Thanks Tobe, I've been telling him for years he's beyond self help, that this self help idea is just the addiction fooling him but it falls on deaf ears. I think he needs rehab but he flatly refuses...so he does the bare minimum so it looks like he's trying but I'm not falling for it again.

Thomas45

I think your gut instinct is the right one. If he was serious about recovery, he would be the one making his recovery a possibility - not you. He's trying to place his sobriety on your shoulders, and that's definitely not your responsibility.

TobeC

I can't speak for others but my recovery is either all in or all out. There is no half measure. I'm not preaching but it's a serious problem that requires serious commitment and a lot of hard work, as many of you know.

Lilro

His recovery is not your responsibility. He can choose to either sink or swim, it's on him.
There really is no point responding to his email. If I was you I'd block him on all and any ways of contact. You don't need to be put in the position of ONCE AGAIN helping someone who is not helpless if he chooses...
Good luck!! And don't let the holidays trap you into feeling guilty.

firebolt

Good job for recognizing the Quackery. Man, they know how to tug at our heartstrings dont they?! THat kind of manipulation is just pure sickness.

Penguin87

Thank you all, it's really good to know I'm doing the right thing and sticking to my guns but tonight I'm having quite a bit of torment going on in my head and I could do with a bit of a kick up the a**.

I know I should block all avenues of contact but because we have things we need to sort out I feel I can't quite yet. Anyway XABF emailed again saying he's going to see someone about this home detox tomorrow for an assessment and asking me for help again. He can't do a home detox without someone home with him and he reckons his family can't help. Although not that easy they could really.

I'm just tormenting myself with the fact that if I don't help him he won't have the home detox and will still refuse inpatient detox and he will just get worse....but it's not my problem right?

Ps I've still not replied.

Ariesagain

He can get an inpatient detox, he just doesn't want to...he wants you to snap to heel and make him the center of your world again while simultaneously making you responsible for seeing him through detox safely (are you a medical professional?) AND ensuring you are enmeshed in whatever "recovery" ends up looking like.

Don't. Just don't.

Penguin87

Thanks Aries, thats just what I needed to hear/read. I know it, I really do. Sensible logical head is winning, I just have the odd moment when it goes off wandering. Still staying strong x

Ariesagain

Any time. You know him having all these conditions just shows how insincere he really is about recovery...his life is stuck by his own choosing. Yours doesn't have to be.

Sending you a hug.

mylifeismine

You've gotten excellent advice here.....
I can only add.....

That once you've figured out how to control the weather,
you might be able to have some control over his sobriety
but I know the weather would be easier...

sauerkraut

Penguin87,
If you haven't already, read the 'quack' thread. I think you'll find it entertaining and reinforcing of what you already know about the things he's telling you. He's attempting to manipulate you once again, which appears to be an A's speciality.

sauerkraut

Here's the thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-3-a.html