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Why don't I learn????

Old 10-27-2001, 06:40 PM
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katied
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Post Why don't I learn????

Hello everyone.....I have hope that there might be one person who can relate to this and offer advice on what I am going through.
I am an adult child of an alcoholic, I divorced a man that I was married to after 6 years of marriage because he was an addict.
After my divorce I met a man who I thought was wonderful. The first night we met I told him right off the bat that if he was into drinking or drugging we should not waste each others time. (Keep in mind this man was married twice & has four children)About a year into the relationship I suspected something was up....and of course it was. He is a VERY heavy pot smoker & a pill popper!
Well he promised that he would stop & he did
for 6 months. We were living together...my two children & three of his. His house was foreclosed on because of this disease...he promised that he would stop. In August I purchased a home in Florida (previously I lived in NJ) to begin a new life & told him that we needed to part ways. He begged me that he would once again STOP & he didn't. He
was sneaking behind my back & lying to say the least. I asked to to make a decision: either stop the addiction & get help or leave. So he left with his daughter that has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. My question to all of you is: Why after years of alateen, alanon & individual conseling, do I continue to attract only sick MEN???? I can't understand it....I'm 29 & too young to be going through the HELL that I've been through. I'm at a great loss because I love
him with every fiber of my being & miss him (not the addict)to pieces. I am open fro any or all suggestions. Thanks for listening & Take Care of YOU!!
 
Old 10-28-2001, 08:07 AM
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Hi Katied...
Welcome to the forum!

Women are at a slight statistical disadvantage when it comes to finding an addiction free partner... unless they like women, that is.

There are also all kinds of theories about how children of addicts are attracted to addicts. I"m not sure I buy all that, and I'm not a psychiatrist, so I won't expound.

If you are not attending al-anon, that might be a good place to go for insight. It's so much easier to recognize patterns in other people than in ourselves. I also have friends that seem to get a lot out of individual counseling.

You are not alone. If you read some of the posts on the nar-anon page, you will see that there are lots of gals out there who keep getting on the merry-go-round. Why? I'm sure that's a pretty individual thing.

Keep on posting!

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Old 11-02-2001, 07:03 AM
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swanky
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God, I soooooo identify with you! Every man I ever meet is screwed up on some substance, and I'm afraid that, if my current b/f will not get off the sauce and I do leave him, I'll only end up getting into another similar relationship down the road. It's not that finding the "right" man is my only focus, I'm doing a lot of stuff that is good for me as a person, but I'm 26 years old, and that ol' bastard biological clock *is* ticking. I guess if I'm meant to have that sort of stuff, it'll happen at the right time, but I want it to be with a person I can respect. If the man I'm with now could get sober, things would be much better, as he's actually a good companion, the main crux of our problems is the active drinking and all the **** that goes along with it.

Maybe I'm kidding myself, and this all doesn't matter and I'm being superficial. But who the hell doesn't want to be *loved* and have it be good?
 
Old 03-16-2006, 09:42 AM
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Well, I'm in another post saying I am on my third marriage - all alcoholics. The second, at least, was dry. But that has its own problems. So don't think your current b/f will be wonderful just because he becomes sober. Control, control, control, that's a dry alcoholic. And mind games up the gazoo. It doesn't matter that they don't drink, in fact it gives them or capacity to do the bad mind games.

Yeah, I'm burnt. Anyway, I have gone to Al-Anon and try to live by their standards. I think of a meeting I went to once out of my area where a woman spoke of her partner getting into a fight with someone. She said he was drunk and that the alcohol part disgusted her, but the sight of him about to fight was soooo exciting. I call myself a thrill seeker and risk taker. I crave excitement. I like change. I'm not afraid to look for a new job, unlike many of my coworkers. And I chose to marry another alcoholic. Fully aware of the problems and pitfalls. I took a very unusual approach and "embraced" my pattern of picking addicted men. We have problems, don't get me wrong. But I love him deeply and enjoy him for the most part. I set up personal boundaries and am currently struggling with my actions when that boundary is crossed. But overall I am happy. I really did find that when I didn't dictate it helped him control himself. Kind of a result without my planning.

Good luck and think hard on this!!!! I have had times to look back on when I could have walked away and I do have regrets. But I think I have worked long and hard on my own issues and have reached a comfortable place for me and my children. I hope I'm right, at least.
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Old 03-16-2006, 09:54 AM
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Katied,

Guess it depends on what you want...There are people (thanks thirdtimer for posting your Experience, Strength and Hope) that can live in happy relationships with A's.

For me, not what I wanted out of my life...too chaotic..too reministant of the house I grew up in..(both parents are unrecovered ACOA, my brother was an A as well..uncles, grandparents..you get the idea).

I'm 37 and I finally am in a healthy, functional relationship with a wonderful man who is not an alcoholic or an addict..not to say he's perfect..i'm not and he's not, but we are both pretty healthy and have good ways of communicating and resolving our differences..neither of us tries to control the other..well..I try but my damn program doesnt let me do that very often..doesn't feel comfortable.

I'm in Alanon, he's not..

Like you, I have done TONS of work on myself..and I'm still a work in progress..I've had lots of therapy, life coaching, self help books and I'm active member of Alanon..

This relationship I'm in today is relatively new - 9 months but came after multiple relationships with alcoholics or really controlling manipulative men..

L, my bf, wasn't someone I was overly attracted to..in fact, he fell into that "he's too nice" category..but through my recovery and a STRONG desire to be in a healthy relationship, I worked through some of my issues while dating him..I didn't run away, I didn't break up with him, I took it slowly..

He doesn't have any red flags..trust me I've been looking..he is just a really great guy with a good heart and good values..neither of us really drink..

This is the first relationship that I truly feel supported - emotionally...

I'd say your picker might still be broken..

are you active in Alanon today? My sponsor was a great help when I started dating L..

I'd keep going to the counselor as well..

I took a year off between relationships to get my head together (after my exabf) before I met L..it was a good year..

Good luck! You can do it...many of us have..
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Old 03-16-2006, 09:56 AM
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a different perspective

I am an alcoholic. I am currently 20 days sober and feel better than ever. My fiancee left me 4 wks ago as a result of my drinking. He dealt with it for a while.. I wasn't always this way... but now I guess he just can't.

I guess what I'm trying to tell you is, it's hard for both sides to understand. On my side.. I'm sober. He and my son (whom he took as well) mean the world to me and I just don't understand why he says (as of last night) "I just can't take the chance that you will pick up another drink. I'm proud of you, but I can't seem to get past it."

It hurts like hell. I know I'll never drink again. I am in the program, I have 2 older daughters from a previous marriage (ended in his physical abuse on me which is when the drinking started) that I am accountable too. I am trying to get him back but I think it's too late. He wants to come over Sat. to start moving out his things since my girls will be with their Dad.

I constantly educate myself to try and understand his side.. your side. With all that's happened I can totally understand needing to get out... it's not a good enviornment or a way to live. I know he's not going to any meetings and it surprises me because he grew up around a family full of alcoholics and addicts. See... he got together with one too. I don't know why this happens to us. I don't think anyone does. It's just part of life.

I guess my perspective at this point is that Life Happens. There are problems, challenges, struggles. Whether they deal with infidelity, finances, kids, addictions... it doesn't matter. I guess it's just up to the individual as to figuering out what they can handle, what's important, what they will or will not deal with. In my case... he won't deal with it. I brought it up to him several times and he never dealt with it. Now it's over...

Take some time for you and carefully decide what it is that is most important to you and what you're willing to deal with. It may clear things up a bit. Whatever your decision is... it is. Be true to you because without that you won't be true to anyone else.

Good luck and God Bless!
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Old 03-16-2006, 09:59 AM
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Just a note: the original thread is from 2001.
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