Feeling guilty

Old 12-06-2016, 08:52 PM
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Feeling guilty

My XAH hasn't paid alimony or child support since March. I've moved on and don't want it to continue, but I do believe he owes me for March thru. October. I drained a lot of savings trying to make ends meet during that time and he screwed me on taxes -- well, I have to take some blame for trusting him. I drew up papers of his contempt and it took me a month to finally send them in to my attorney because I feel badly enforcing this when I have one son living with him (my youngest 18 year old that is getting himself into a lot of trouble as I knew he would living with his "do whatever you want" alcoholic dad) and it's almost Christmas. He nonsensically believes he doesn't owe me but our divorce papers say otherwise. He also hasn't filed a motion to stop payements as required by law in order to stop paying and will continue owing monthly payments to me until he does. I honestly feel like a dirty dog for proceeding.
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Old 12-06-2016, 08:59 PM
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why should you feel bad for enforcing the other parent's obligation to his children????
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Old 12-06-2016, 09:07 PM
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Child support orders take into account where the children are living. If he feels the amount is unfair due to the living arrangements the onus is on him to file a motion to change the support amount.

It is a COURT ORDER. It is your CHILDREN'S right to support, not yours. He doesn't get to unilaterally decide what's fair. You have ZERO to feel guilty about.
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Old 12-06-2016, 09:12 PM
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I know it doesn't make sense and I tell myself this over and over. My guilty feelings are toward a man that no longer exists as he was before the alcoholism took over. I know this is behavior I've been working on but it still seems to be there. So, yes, I sent the papers in. My attorney asked if I wanted her to proceed with filing and let the chips fall where they may, or wait until after Christmas; I told her to proceed. I just wish this goofy sense of guilt would go away.
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Old 12-06-2016, 09:14 PM
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Katchie...there will be no rewards in your crown for being a "nice guy".
LOL...I presume that you are a "nice guy" type, by nature.....and, that generally works pretty well with others who are also "nice guy" types. People who cooperate with us and who respect our general welfare as much as you respect theirs.....a nice interdependence that is equitable.....

But, sweetie....that ain't what you have got!!
You have a narcissistic, self centered alcoholic who seems to get off on making your life as miserable as he can.....

With a narcissist....there is no compassion and they have no qualms at using you to their advantage.
You cannot give them an inch...and, you can't let them see you sweat.
You have to think "self preservation", with them.....
As the saying goes..."Offer your hand, and they will take your arm".....

Resist false guilt...as it is probably some hold over of unresolved issues from your early years......
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Old 12-06-2016, 09:17 PM
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You all are right and I know it. I'm working on it. I knew this was the right place to come and vent.
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Old 12-07-2016, 08:05 AM
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Nice guys often finish last, and ALWAYS finish last when dealing with an addict.

Ask how many nice guys on here would do it "different" now, and you will have have a 50 page long thread. In an hour.

Why we feel compassion toward people that screw us I will never know. Move forward, dump the guilt. The money belongs to your children.

Hope you are doing well otherwise !
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Old 12-07-2016, 09:46 AM
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I know how you feel Katchie. I had to take my XAH back to court over the summer and I felt badly but I had finally gotten to a point where I needed him to man up.

Honestly, he was a mess and I felt sorry for him but I let the judge figure out what was right and what was legal. By leaving it in the hands of the courts, I was able to step back and breathe even though we had to face each other in a courtroom. Please know that the courts exist for you and I had to find the courage to use them. My bf pushed me to do it and I am glad I did. Things have settled down with my XAH and I don't regret standing up for myself, honestly. Hugs to you, I completely understand. I'm definitely too nice.
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Old 12-07-2016, 01:21 PM
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Katchie, try to not get caught up in guilt. Children are a shared OBLIGATION, and it's a court order.

I let my X go almost a year w/out paying child support. It was a mistake, and one I won't make again.

Hugs.
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