Don't Understand!
 

I'm new to a relationship with a man who has been in and out of treatment and AA for a lot of years, right now he's out! He keeps talking about going back to AA but always has some excuse why he can't make it! I know this is normal behavior because I've met some of his friends from the program and they've helped me to understand some things. I'll be going to my first Al-Anon meeting tonight but I don't know what to expect and I'm sort of nervous! I think this man is worth sticking around for but last night I got a phone call from a friend and he accused me of having another boyfriend and just left my house! Then he came back not 5 minutes later and stood and looked at me crying and then left again! He had been drinking earlier in the evening and I didn't think he should have gone but I couldn't have stooped him if I had tried! My only fear was that he wouldn't make it home. The odd thing was that as he was leaving he kissed me goodbye and said he'd call me tomorrow, that he wasn't trying to hurt me but had to protect himself! I don't understand his response to a simple phone call or what he meant by that statement! Any insights? I'd love to hear someone else's opinion!
thanks,
Kathy

HI Kathy...
I'm supposing this is your first relationship with an addicted person. Frankly, knowing what I know now, if I was in a new relationship and saw all those signs I'd put on my mountain boots and repel the heck out of there.

Please, for your own health and sanity, insist that this man go back to AA or begin some other treatment. If he does not, you are in for a round of punishment you could not imagine. Your love cannot save him. Only his commitment to being sober can do that. I urge you to make the commitment to youself that if he does not start working at recovery immediately, that you will not continue in this relationship.

As for his other behavior, frequently people with drug/alchohol abuse problems began because they had other emotional problems. That will be hard to sort out until he's been sober for awhile.

By all means go to al-anon. Don't be scared, everyone wants you there. Their stories will all have similar elements to yours. But I urge you to listen to those that have been enduring the problems of someone else's addiction for years, and what it's done to them. You will also hear sad tales from people who were in a similar situation as yours, but stayed because they thought their love and support could make all the difference. It can of course, if you are supporting a recovering alchoholic. All the love in the world won't help one that is practicing.

Again I urge you... draw the line.

We care about you.

Keep posting.

Smoke

Dear Kathy, It sounds to me like you may be someone who he may use to enable his lifestyle of drinking. I have been married to an addict for 4 years. At first I loved him (of course) You always think its love when you first get involved with someone. But deep down, I thought that If I showed him how much I loved him that he would stop doing what he was doing. Boy was I wrong! You cant "fix" someone. And If you are thinking about trying you are going to be left totally alone and destroyed! I personally have 2 children by my addicted husband. And I can honestly say that accept for the birth of my boys. I wish I had never seen his face! I also am an alcoholic. He is a drug addict. I struggle with alcohol to help me get through the stress of living with him. I know that someday soon the bottom is going to fall out for this family. But until then I just have to keep going and raise my boys to be healthy and as happy as possible. Please think hard about what you are getting into here! Take care of yourself! And dont settle for the first person that comes down the line! There are many peaople that care about you and will help you get through your troubles. This is my personal oppinion from my experience. I care for you and hope you make the right decision for yourself / your friend / Misty

Thank you for the replies! I am still hanging in there with my guy! He just had a huge scare, at work the other day he thought he was having a heart attack! Scared him pretty bad and he started talking to all his AA contacts again! His doctor told him he had to quit smoking and drinking if he didn't want to have more problems so he is working very hard on it! Hasn't gone back to AA yet but I think he will soon! I think I'm going to hang in for a while longer and see what happens! I'll keep you posted on his progress and mine!
Thanks again,
Kathy