So we were able to talk today...

Old 12-05-2016, 04:28 PM
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So we were able to talk today...

He sounds good, very humble at the moment. Said since he checked himself in he is glad he did and this past Saturday he walked up to receive the surrender chip during a meeting. He said he is not sharing a lot but he is listening.

When I packed his bags I threw in the Big Book and to my surprise he told me he is at Chapter 11.

Well it all sounds good and that's fine but the words he told me over the phone 12 years ago are on repeat in my head - "I didn't move here from my health". Let me explain....this is not our home, we are transplants but over the years this has become our home. I have grown to love it here although I do miss my family dearly. Anyway I moved her knowing he was still drinking "only beer" (his words). I thought this could be a fresh start. I totally ignored the red flags blowing in the hurricane right in front my face. I moved here on hope and dreams of a new beginning....

Fast forward 11 years and another daughter later we are back to where we were before he moved here......sigh. This was just a change of scenery because the root of the problem was still there. I am surprised it took us this long to get back to square one.

So for me, this is a chance to really embrace MY recovery. I will not go back to square one. I made that very clear in our conversation. I also mentioned that if he should ever think "he's got this" after a couple of weeks then he can find a new home because no one ever just "gets it", it is work, hard work. He said he understood and said he was already working on a solid recovery foundation.

One day at a time my friends, one day at a time!
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Old 12-05-2016, 06:02 PM
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knowthetriggers....I truly hope that he grabs hold of the program and works it. I hope that he will find genuine recovery....
I know people who have!

I would suggest that you consider not allowing him to come home from rehab...but, go to a sober living arrangement, instead...It would give him a better chance....but, most importantly, you have been through enough!!
The early recovery period..first two years---are sooo hard on the family...often worse than the original drinking...
And, if relapse occu rs...you are not so vulnerable to heartbreak.....
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Old 12-05-2016, 06:26 PM
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Originally Posted by knowthetriggers View Post
I also mentioned that if he should ever think "he's got this" after a couple of weeks then he can find a new home because no one ever just "gets it", it is work, hard work. He said he understood and said he was already working on a solid recovery foundation.

One day at a time my friends, one day at a time!
I remember those pretty reassuring words from my qualifier and the prettier they were the further I moved towards the door. Yep, "no one ever just 'gets it'"<<<<

Good on ya for the one day at a time thing KTT. I'm impressed with your commitment to your own recovery.
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Old 12-05-2016, 07:26 PM
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He sounds good, very humble at the moment.

not to be the Debby Downer, but it's been FOUR days. 96 hours give or take. his body has just begun to detox the alcohol out of his system. full detox takes 7-10 DAYS.

he will not be cured or even really on the road to a full vibrant recovery for a long time. and he will have to work, HARD, every day, to get there. 20 something days from now you will have a person who has not ingested alcohol for about a month. with some skills in how to NOT drink again.

quitting is not the hard part. STAYING quit is. your home may be the worst place for him.....and you. much remains to be revealed.
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Old 12-05-2016, 07:53 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
He sounds good, very humble at the moment.

not to be the Debby Downer, but it's been FOUR days. 96 hours give or take. his body has just begun to detox the alcohol out of his system. full detox takes 7-10 DAYS.
There always has to be a Debbie Downer. We are a necessary evil. I say that because I was *just* thinking tonight about how the xA *always* called me that. I said to self, "I was *never* a Debbie Downer, I was realistic and rational in all that thinking."

And then I thought, I really need to just think of relationships as a business contract, in a way. Seriously, when a person makes a bad business deal, they cut their losses. People are not business transactions, however, there comes a point when one must cut their losses.

I am so happy that you are thinking about yourself. There comes a time when it is necessary to look out for the one person who means the most. That person should always be you. Keep a clear head in your future endeavors and always remember yourself.
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Old 12-06-2016, 02:10 AM
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KTT, he's where he needs to be in an environment that will help him if he so chooses, and that's great!!!

You now have some peace at home for you to think with clarity about what you want, and that's great!!!

Use this time wisely, and you know you have support here whatever you decide.
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Old 12-06-2016, 02:13 AM
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Thoughts and prayers to you. PJ
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Old 12-06-2016, 02:58 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
He sounds good, very humble at the moment.

not to be the Debby Downer, but it's been FOUR days. 96 hours give or take. his body has just begun to detox the alcohol out of his system. full detox takes 7-10 DAYS.

he will not be cured or even really on the road to a full vibrant recovery for a long time. and he will have to work, HARD, every day, to get there. 20 something days from now you will have a person who has not ingested alcohol for about a month. with some skills in how to NOT drink again.

quitting is not the hard part. STAYING quit is. your home may be the worst place for him.....and you. much remains to be revealed.

This is just the tip of the ice berg. I realize it has only been four days but "he sounds good" in comparison to WHO I was talking to 4 days ago is really all I meant. I also remind myself that he could check himself out of this place at anytime and go back to drinking. Anything can happen.......

This recovery is a long road for all of us. Options for living arrangements will be discussed when the time comes. But like I said, in the meantime, I will embrace MY recovery.
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Old 12-06-2016, 03:03 AM
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Originally Posted by letitend View Post
There always has to be a Debbie Downer. We are a necessary evil. I say that because I was *just* thinking tonight about how the xA *always* called me that. I said to self, "I was *never* a Debbie Downer, I was realistic and rational in all that thinking."

And then I thought, I really need to just think of relationships as a business contract, in a way. Seriously, when a person makes a bad business deal, they cut their losses. People are not business transactions, however, there comes a point when one must cut their losses.

I am so happy that you are thinking about yourself. There comes a time when it is necessary to look out for the one person who means the most. That person should always be you. Keep a clear head in your future endeavors and always remember yourself.

My drive are my girls and the only way they can get thru this is if mom has her head on straight. In order for mom to be ok she has to recover and be a good role model for them. If "dad" decides recovery is the path he wants to take then great but at the moment I can't dwell on that because that is HIS choice.

This will be hard for all of us but the only path for me right now is to focus on me and the needs of my girls.
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Old 12-06-2016, 03:55 AM
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Addiction sucks. Period. But it doesn't define him. I personally hate the labels. He is a human being with a human problem. All I can say is his recovery is easier than your recovery. His disease stops progressing the day he quits and then recovery begins. My vow to myself is to never let anyone or any situation take my sobriety and with real inner reflection it is a beautiful thing. I check my past like a rear view mirror but spend most of my day looking through the windshield and moving forward. Remember, you may not be good for his recovery and vice versa. Focus on yourself, let him be selfish on his recovery and you may both receive an incredible gift together...a lifetime of peace and serenity as a couple.
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Old 12-06-2016, 06:24 AM
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I wouldn't suggest bringing up living arrangements this minute--he needs to get all the way through detox and really into his program. HOWEVER, I'd suggest not waiting until the time comes for discharge planning. If you decide he shouldn't come home right away, bring it up with him and his counselor well in advance. They can help him process it the right way and help him explore alternative arrangements.

Glad it's so good, so far.
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