thousandwords53

I hate this. We had a decent weekend. Nothing tragic to add to my dear diary, except some small verbal exchanges that aren't worth repeating . All couples surely disagree and get annoyed at each other. I just have a hard time knowing what I should be bothered by. I go between feeling hyper-vigilent for the slightest red flag, and letting bigger things slide because I'm so desensitized.


So I waffle in my plans. Second guess them. Worry. Don't trust myself. I enjoyed my AH this weekend. I have read through some of my old posts.

Is this normal to go in waves? My thinking is that I should be dead set 100% of the time.

I am even second guessing myself in posting this.
Gahhhhhh. I get annoyed at myself, lol.

dandylion

Yes, it is normal...standard....typical....predictable.....
That is why your list of the bad things that have happened should be kept with you at all times...to be read every single time you start to get weak in the legs...even if you have to read it a hundred times a day......

thousandwords53

Oh, but then Dandy, I tell myself, why do that? Why live in the past? That's not fair...I've been an a-hole before or done x, y, z...why do I have the right to keep a naughty list against him....

...This is how my mind works. This is a huge hang up for me. ( I will be bringing this up with at my counseling appt next weekend so it can be addressed. )

AnvilheadII

what do you mean by "decent" weekend?

did he drink?

CaptainM

Hi Thousandwords - I noticed you started posting almost 2 years ago... may I recommend you go back and read your first post? Your letter to your AH (the separation one) was quite powerful.

Another SR'er said this once, and I've saved it to reread many times: "The hardest part about getting off the roller coaster for me was that it was much easier to remember why I wanted off at the low points than the high points. When he'd just disappointed me or done something terrible, I realized how destructive the relationship was. But when we were in that "let's talk, maybe we can figure something out" stage, that was the high point of the roller coaster, the anticipation that maybe things were finally going to work out made it much harder to remember why the roller coaster was a terrible place to be. One thing that helped me was to write a list of all the terrible things he did and look at it when I started missing him or felt tempted to allow contact."

Sounds like you're on the "high" point... but do not forget the low points. You deserve better and you do not have to wait until the other shoe drops to take further action for you and your children.

you can do it!

thousandwords53

Decent as in: No fights, blow-ups, big offenses towards the kids and I. Not a lot of tension that lasted all day. A little bit of irritability and tension due to traffic, kids acting up etc. but nothing to really shout about in retrospect. We got your Christmas tree and had a nice time doing that...you know ..stuff people do in life without thinking if its normal or not...

Yes, he drank. Maintained the steady buzz he lives in. He did pass out Friday and Saturday night. Once in bed, so that was nice not to have to step over him. The next night, it was on the couch next to me so I left him there once the snoring was too loud to finish the movie I was watching....

Date night last night was nice. yes he drank, not too much to be annoying but he did. I had a beer too. There was nice affection and smiles. I would say a good time.

dandylion

thousandwords....keeping a record for yourself to remind you of the abuse that you have suffered,,,in order to counteract your selective recall and "minimize" ....is not the same as keeping a "naughty list on him".
The motivation, here, is to protect yourself...not as an action against anyone else. It is for you only. (remember that these things are already written in your memory...it is just that you tend not to recall them at the times that you need to).

As I skimmed over your past threads...I can tell you that the abusive things that you have shared are NOT the typical things that happen in a happy, functioning marriage......

So, maybe, you had a weekend where he wasn't gaslighting, accusing you of infidelity, throwing lots of insults and blame, and, generally, making you feel like an emotional punching bag...(remember the sparkly towel?)......

thousand words....just because he is in the honeymoon phase of the cycle of abuse...doesn't mean that it is going to last....
Christmas is coming...given some time, it will happen again.....
It always does......

firebolt

This is the core of our issues....we accept so little and call it "good."
Not because it IS good or quality, but because it is better than the horrors in between.

I justified staying with xabf for a long time thinking 'well, at least he doesn't hit me."

Why I thought I deserved someone who doesn't hit me, rather than someone who is really great is sick thinking. I can suggest making a list of the qualities your ideal partner would have. See if he lines up.

Here, from the sidelines...I can tell you that you deserve much, MUCH better.

thousandwords53

Thank you Dandy, I bolded what stuck out for me.
I have been noticing and paying close attention to couples near me, even just the men I interact with regularly and I am in awe sometimes of "how much" they do for their partners..or how much they participate in life together...real team mates. Not just when it is easy...these are things I am mentally trying to tuck away.

thousandwords53

Thank you. Your view from the side lines, is ever important to hear.
I don't want good, I want GREAT. I want someone I can depend on emotionally. "Good" what a mediocre word....
"good" pizza, a "good" movie...fine....not an occasionally good marriage in between sh!t storms.

atalose

^^^^^this^^^^^^

thousandwords53

Thank you. I will reread it.
I was avoiding reading that post for some reason ...probably because I should read it. lol.

AnvilheadII

so he drank every day and passed out every night.
but didn't yell at you.
or the kids.

it's kind of like putting your fingers in a drawer and slamming it shut three times. why? cuz it feels so good when it stops.

thousandwords53

Ouch. (a good ouch, needed to hear that)
You were able to read through the bullsh!t I tell myself and list the exact bullet points I continually miss.

knowthetriggers

This gives me stomach cramps - only because you mention the children. I just put my AH out for being passed out and us having to walk over him. You and your children deserve better than this. This, to me, is not living.

((hugs)) to you and your children. You all deserve so much better.

Are you in a program to help with your own recovery? Like Alanon?

thousandwords53

KTT,

Yes I have been following your story. You are doing such an excellent job of protecting your children. We deserve a better life. I shouldn't settle for this, I know. Currently I am starting back up with a counselor I trust, have not been to AlAnon, and am reading reading reading all that I can.
I am also looking at local options for counseling for the little ones.
hugs back to you. Thank you .

LexieCat

You remember, right, that alcoholism is PROGRESSIVE? That even though each individual day may not be worse than the last, the overall trend will be DOWNWARD?

I think we have a tendency to think that "good" days (and I, personally, wouldn't consider the days you have described as "good"--just marginally better than "awful") mean there's hope for some kind of improvement. And there just ISN'T--not as long as the alcoholic continues to drink.

Wishing you some clarity, here...

thousandwords53

Awful. Marginally better than awful.
My "good" is that ^^^ and I am blind to it. Wishing for clarity here as well.
Thank you LexieCat. I know you have expertise in the DV field, and should take your input seriously. I wish I could recognize my own postings for what they are and not have such a blind spot for my situation .

hearthealth

Thousandwords, I think everyone waffles. It's impossible to be 100% certain 100 percent of the time. Was it a good weekend because there was no black flags this weekend? Or was their some 'minor' ones? A better than awful doesn't make that relationship you envision. Keep strong.

thousandwords53

Minor ones...but what does that mean exactly. I don't trust my judgment. But on a scale specific to our relationship, I would classify as minor. The more I think about this past "good" weekend, I identify more incident/exchanges than I originally thought of. Just peck, peck, peck away....