Waffling

Old 12-05-2016, 06:46 PM
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IMO, minor ones are things that trigger you but are easier to minimize because their not the "I'm out of here ones". You build up tolerance to the lesser infractions to a relationship. "Saying well at least he's not doing Black flag ones". If he's not identifying and recognizing the issues the black flags will reappear in the future. Is he changing or are you accepting? I have let so many other issues slide because I have so many to deal with. I wish only the best for you.
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Old 12-05-2016, 07:05 PM
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odd isn't it....of the two of you, HE is actually the more consistent. he showed you who he is, what he is about, and he stuck to it.

what's missing is your acceptance of the situation. of his condition. of WHO he IS.

we are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable.

unmanageable (ʌnˈmænɪdʒəbəl)
adj
difficult or impossible to control, use, or manipulate.
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Old 12-05-2016, 07:59 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
what's missing is your acceptance of the situation. of his condition. of WHO he IS.
Anvil -->> this is IT, in a nutshell. Acceptance, of what is.

We can only move forward from that truth.
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Old 12-05-2016, 08:14 PM
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In Melody Beattie's book codependent no more, on pages 196 & 197 there is a story about the journey of healing in codependency and it compares counseling with alanon. IMHO, one cannot heal without alanon. I'm sure there are the exceptions, but I've never met anyone. As others have said, it's a process, like learning a new language. You don't "get it" in one meeting.

Takes several, & different meetings to find the right one for you.
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Old 12-05-2016, 08:29 PM
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Originally Posted by thousandwords53 View Post
I hate this. We had a decent weekend. Nothing tragic to add to my dear diary, except some small verbal exchanges that aren't worth repeating . All couples surely disagree and get annoyed at each other. I just have a hard time knowing what I should be bothered by. I go between feeling hyper-vigilent for the slightest red flag, and letting bigger things slide because I'm so desensitized.


So I waffle in my plans. Second guess them. Worry. Don't trust myself. I enjoyed my AH this weekend. I have read through some of my old posts.

Is this normal to go in waves? My thinking is that I should be dead set 100% of the time.

I am even second guessing myself in posting this.
Gahhhhhh. I get annoyed at myself, lol.

I've done the same type of comparisons to justify hanging around a little longer. That selective memory tries to take over, don't let it happen.

I had to force myself to remember a lot since I left. I remembered things from years ago where he let me down, didn't keep his word, embarrassed me, lied, etc,...

Once you start thinking about all the sh*t you've been through and have to think about leaving or staring down another 5, 10, 20 years of this mess, then leaving looks good. It's still hard as hell though. Sending support your way.
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Old 12-05-2016, 09:45 PM
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Originally Posted by BeachPlease View Post

I had to force myself to remember a lot since I left. I remembered things from years ago where he let me down, didn't keep his word, embarrassed me, lied, etc,...
Yes. I posted probably last week about remembering all kinds of stuff. Huge events that I had literally blocked myself from remembering, probably as a coping mechanism. Many of them were recent, as in less than 6 months ago. So it's not a time issue where I've forgotten because it's been years.

Anvil: you're right. He has shown me what he is about and how he handles life. Yet I deny it and listen to his sweet words instead of watching his actions. I am powerless over alcohol, over him, and yes I would describe my life as unmanageable at the moment. It is not how I envisioned. I am disappointed. Frustrated. At him, me, this.
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Old 12-05-2016, 10:51 PM
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Hi Thousandwords,
So this weekend he didn't shout or attack and there was no major drama. And because living with an A acclimatises us to lower and lower expectations about what "OK" or "decent" or even "good" means, you managed to find some (relative) peace and enjoyment. That is, on one level, a basic survival strategy that most of us on these boards have used, consciously or unconsciously.

BUT on another level... "he drank. Maintained the steady buzz he lives in. He did pass out Friday and Saturday night. Once in bed, so that was nice not to have to step over him. The next night, it was on the couch next to me so I left him there once the snoring was too loud to finish the movie I was watching...."

Read that out loud. It's almost funny in its matter-of-factness, its "be thankful-for-small-mercies-ness". BUT, imagine those words were spoken by one of your kids as an adult, describing their weekend with their partner... Would you want them to settle for that?

Hugs.
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Old 12-06-2016, 01:05 AM
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I of course, want better for my children. It's almost funny...but it's not. This is my reality right now. And I am slowly recognizing how terrible things are, but my sensitivity is so delayed/numbed from years of this it's extremely hard for me to make sense of it all. I am in the thick of it and it's hard to see clearly . I rely heavily on SR and the strong friendships in my life to help guide me. My self doubt is so strong I annoy myself! Believe me, I've read my words. I've read my words from almost 2 years ago. Waiting and hoping for change has done nothing to improve the situation. Actually, it's probably worse. So now, I am working towards making the change. I'm just not there yet.... but I want to be !!!
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Old 12-06-2016, 06:29 AM
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thousandwords....you are right...in that living for a long time in an abusive environment erodes self confidence and causes self doubt...big time. It erodes o ne's sense of self...our self esteem.....
The feeling of control over one's life seems absent and, sometimes, it is even hard to think....
I remember one particular member, here, who has described her inability to make even the smallest decisions....that, when called on to make even tiny daily decisions...she felt in a panic....

Remind yourself, every day, that you have the God-given right to be treated well...
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Old 12-06-2016, 09:33 AM
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Originally Posted by firebolt View Post
This is the core of our issues....we accept so little and call it "good."
Not because it IS good or quality, but because it is better than the horrors in between.
This^^ right here -- Gold.

The absence of horrors doesn't automatically default as "Good!". It's just less horrible.

And I know how awful it is to realize that this is the treatment we've been accepting for ourselves, all the while waiting for someone who sees no reason to change to just magically stop and do a 180 degree turn in the opposite direction. Like anvil was sort of referencing - "when people show you who they are, believe them".
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Old 12-06-2016, 12:11 PM
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I wish I could recognize my own postings for what they are and not have such a blind spot for my situation
Keep reading, posting and learning. The more you grow, and the more acceptance of your situation and the people around you that you gain, the blinders will come off, and you wont be able to put them back on very easily. Even though you may want to at times lol.
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Old 12-06-2016, 12:27 PM
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
This^^ right here -- Gold.

The absence of horrors doesn't automatically default as "Good!". It's just less horrible.

And I know how awful it is to realize that this is the treatment we've been accepting for ourselves, all the while waiting for someone who sees no reason to change to just magically stop and do a 180 degree turn in the opposite direction. Like anvil was sort of referencing - "when people show you who they are, believe them".
That's funny you should say that...I was shown this morning who I am partnered with. Just a vent share :

So AH “helped” me by taking kids to the school bus this am so I could get ready for work.
It snowed here last night, so we were doing the boots/hats/gloves shuffle, lol.
Middle child decided she wanted to wear the hat sister had picked and that ended in a melt down.
I sent them on their way, middle child crying and having a lovely melt down.

15 minutes go by and I am about to get into the shower, when AH walks back into the house, I figure he forgot something.
Nope. He has the middle child in his arms. I say, “what’s going on?”
He tells me that she wouldn’t stop crying and wouldn’t get on the bus, so he freaked and didn’t know what to do.
I tell him he needs to take her to school, she is going, and that is no reason to get away with this. She is upset, and I hug her, but tell her this is not ok, she’s a big girl and is going to school.

He states that he can’t take her, he has to go to work.
I say, um, yes and so do I. He drives an SUV, and I don’t even know if my car will make it to school. (My kids are bussed out of town to a special school, and it is up the line from us = more snow)
He says” Pssshh, I don’t know what to do, sorry”
I say: Why are you saying pssshh? I have to figure out if I can even drive up the line far enough, then be late for work, or take her with me to work if I can’t get to the school. You make your own hours and can be a half hour later than normal. Your commute is half of mine. Please,I have a job too that requires me to be there at a certain time!”
He says: “sorry I didn’t handle it the way you think I should have” and leaves. (blaming me)

So off we go, He calls me as I’m driving and I’m a huge idiot so I answer (on my headset). He's asking me about some paperwork I forgot to bring home for him to sign yesterday….I just say, hey- I’m driving in the snow and ice, I can’t talk. Bye. (He takes offense to my tone. )
She made it school ok, and I was to work 30 minutes late. Thank goodness my employer is the most understanding guy ever, I really love where I work.

But this is a classic example of him failing at parenting, giving up, dropping the issues onto me, saying oh well, throws his hands up on something he created- and letting me figure it out. He is always making a mess of some sort that I end up working through it.
I do not have a partner in life, I get zero apologies, zero help, He’s dead weight. I am already a single parent. Yet he is the first to point out my parenting flaws, or when the kids act up it’s my fault because I’m too nice. You know, this time he played Mr nice guy and she got away with her little stunt. She’s only 5, but she knows better, I would have walked her onto the bus, kissed her cute little face and she would have been just fine. lol.

I am still so mad about this. I need to remember my anger. I wish timing was better because this is fueling my departure so much.
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Old 12-06-2016, 12:38 PM
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Yes, write these down! They help us remember when we are feeling weak.

On the other side, it became clear that often, XABF was a hindrance to my life more than he helped it. OMG...all the home projects I had to go back and redo because he did a drunken messy job, all the extra cleaning....ugg...

Anywho - life just might be easier without him! Let alone more peaceful.
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Old 12-06-2016, 12:58 PM
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Someday, hopefully sooner than later, something will be your "that's it" moment. In my first marriage, he and his brother were packing their stuff for yet another fishing trip, without me of course. I said something that required a response, I don't even remember what, and they both ignored me. It was as if I was too insignificant to waste the air to respond.

I remember the moment stretching out....and I heard that sane voice in my head say, "that's it." There had been so many demeaning, controlling, belittling moments...why that relatively small thing pushed me over the edge I can't say.

I left for good four days later.

Wishing you a better life.
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Old 12-06-2016, 01:01 PM
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Do you trust and respect him?
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Old 12-06-2016, 02:11 PM
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
Do you trust and respect him?
No and No.
And this is something I've realized very recently.

It makes me sad to admit it.
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Old 12-06-2016, 02:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain View Post
Someday, hopefully sooner than later, something will be your "that's it" moment..
Aries again, I think you hit the nail on the head with this. I liken it to being like an empty pitcher that can only hold so much liquid, and all of the negative experiences with our alcoholics starting filling up that pitcher until finally, it can even just take the "smallest" event to realize that there is just no more room in that pitcher. Honestly, the heart searing resentment I would feel after family events in which my mom kept it somewhat together was sometimes worse than I felt during her ugly drunken moments. (I was resenting all of the worry I felt anticipating the event and annoyed to see that sometimes she COULD keep it together, so I was trying to make sense of why she didn't always keep it together)

I feel for all of us. I think that the waffling gets more intense around the holidays because of all of the melancholy, and expectations that the holidays often hold for us.
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Old 12-06-2016, 03:47 PM
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I truly understand mimimizing and getting used to less- it is how I stayed so long. I get it, thousand words. It's a no win situation- you can stay, not minimize- freak out a bit and get no good result and instead become miserable and controlling yourself- you can stay and change your attitude- hey its not so bad, he's drunk again big deal- this will pass- build your own life- and expect less and less as time goes on- or -you can leave. Those are the only three options I could see. I started with option one, moved to two, and when the crap got too high, I moved to the third option.
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Old 12-09-2016, 12:48 PM
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Yikes, I am reading your post and remembering when I was in your place. Remembering when I thought that him not being angry or unpredictable was an acceptable way to live, an acceptable way to be treated. Remembering when I was so entrenched in the cycle of alcoholism that I would second guess after a good day, weekend, week etc.

"Yes, he drank. Maintained the steady buzz he lives in. He did pass out Friday and Saturday night. Once in bed, so that was nice not to have to step over him. The next night, it was on the couch next to me so I left him there once the snoring was too loud to finish the movie I was watching....

Date night last night was nice. yes he drank, not too much to be annoying but he did. I had a beer too. There was nice affection and smiles. I would say a good time.
"

The things I used to have to tell myself is to look at the big picture. Look at the entire month, 6 month, year etc. My ExAH was the entire person he was both good and bad. Are you able to accept him the way he is because his actions are not showing he is willing to change one bit? Despite knowing how you feel he "maintained a steady buzz throughout the weekend". He is telling you with his actions that he is not changing.

Your words above sound as if you "tolerated" him over the weekend. A healthy relationship is one in which you don't tolerate each other but one who meets your needs, is reliable, trustworthy, helpful, consistent, honest, communicates well.

Keep reading here, educate yourself, go to meetings, set healthy boundaries. You deserve a partner who gives you back everything your give to them.
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Old 12-09-2016, 01:01 PM
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Originally Posted by thousandwords53 View Post
That's funny you should say that...I was shown this morning who I am partnered with. Just a vent share :

So AH “helped” me by taking kids to the school bus this am so I could get ready for work.
It snowed here last night, so we were doing the boots/hats/gloves shuffle, lol.
Middle child decided she wanted to wear the hat sister had picked and that ended in a melt down.
I sent them on their way, middle child crying and having a lovely melt down.

15 minutes go by and I am about to get into the shower, when AH walks back into the house, I figure he forgot something.
Nope. He has the middle child in his arms. I say, “what’s going on?”
He tells me that she wouldn’t stop crying and wouldn’t get on the bus, so he freaked and didn’t know what to do.
I tell him he needs to take her to school, she is going, and that is no reason to get away with this. She is upset, and I hug her, but tell her this is not ok, she’s a big girl and is going to school.

He states that he can’t take her, he has to go to work.
I say, um, yes and so do I. He drives an SUV, and I don’t even know if my car will make it to school. (My kids are bussed out of town to a special school, and it is up the line from us = more snow)
He says” Pssshh, I don’t know what to do, sorry”
I say: Why are you saying pssshh? I have to figure out if I can even drive up the line far enough, then be late for work, or take her with me to work if I can’t get to the school. You make your own hours and can be a half hour later than normal. Your commute is half of mine. Please,I have a job too that requires me to be there at a certain time!”
He says: “sorry I didn’t handle it the way you think I should have” and leaves. (blaming me)

So off we go, He calls me as I’m driving and I’m a huge idiot so I answer (on my headset). He's asking me about some paperwork I forgot to bring home for him to sign yesterday….I just say, hey- I’m driving in the snow and ice, I can’t talk. Bye. (He takes offense to my tone. )
She made it school ok, and I was to work 30 minutes late. Thank goodness my employer is the most understanding guy ever, I really love where I work.

But this is a classic example of him failing at parenting, giving up, dropping the issues onto me, saying oh well, throws his hands up on something he created- and letting me figure it out. He is always making a mess of some sort that I end up working through it.
I do not have a partner in life, I get zero apologies, zero help, He’s dead weight. I am already a single parent. Yet he is the first to point out my parenting flaws, or when the kids act up it’s my fault because I’m too nice. You know, this time he played Mr nice guy and she got away with her little stunt. She’s only 5, but she knows better, I would have walked her onto the bus, kissed her cute little face and she would have been just fine. lol.

I am still so mad about this. I need to remember my anger. I wish timing was better because this is fueling my departure so much.
I'm very familiar with being the married "single parent". I was for 9 years. You husband dumps it on you because he know you will be the "rescuer" and take over when he decides he no longer wants to. I was that exact same person. Fortunately for me, once we got divorced he had to step up and be more responsible if he wanted to see the kids. It really improved his and the kids relationship I have to say. Hang in there! Its frustrating, but it will only change when he has to suffer the consequences of his actions.
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