Hummer

Hi everyone,
Here I am again one year down the line and in a very similar situation- who knew!
I first posted here last December in complete despair about my AH and our situation which led to me deciding to spend xmas apart. This was an extremely difficult but necessary choice - this year things are not better in terms of his drinking but I have mad a decision not to tackle it head on for another few weeks (after xmas) as I can't deal with that heartache again.
Long story short, discovered his alcohol problem 3.5 years ago - tried all sorts to help him. He does attend counselling regularly to talk about a childhood trauma and also a previous divorce which we think may have exacerbated his drinking so he does that. I know he doesn't attend AA but tells me that he does. Isn't working any program that I can see - even though those were my stipulations for giving our marriage another go in January of this year and again in June of this year (feel a bit foolish considering my post is entitled FINAL chance). All he has done is abstain from drinking alcohol in my presence - we both live apart half the time and travel due to nature of work - providing endless opportunities for him to drink. He texts me when away to say "out for dinner with bosses or clients chat tomorrow" or "just back to hotel, shattered, good night" mmm
It's December again and I'm often feeling very anxious and sad. I think I have accepted my situation but I'm deeply saddened by it.
My husband doesn't ever drink alcohol in front of me. We had a weeks holiday abroad together in October and I know now after monitoring these things for a while that after a couple of days with me his mood will change (darken) and the atmosphere will become very heavy. My guess is that this is when he is needing to drink again. This was the case in October and the last night of our holiday he went off for a swim (which he often does) and to order us some food on his return. He was much longer than was usual - maybe 75 mins and when he returned I def detected that he had been drinking, no staggering or slurring but lack of eye contact and sucking mints.
We arrived back to the UK the following day, he was doing his best to chat and keep things normal as we were going in different directions for work purposes and would t see each other for approx 10 days. Couldn't get him on his phone later that eve to tell him I'd arrived home safely...! I felt such relief at being away and in my own safe haven/home with no moods to contend with.

I am using some annual leave and we are currently spending 3 weeks together in our home in England where he resides. It is a really lovely place to live , both the building and the surrounding area, great for country walks etc so should be good but it is tainted. Up until now he has managed to refrain from drinking alcohol in my company- the dark moods are testament to this This time however, everything is going great and I know why....
Each evening he comes home from work and spends several minutes changing etc then he makes several trips to loo over course of evening, each taking several minutes. I can smell toothpaste or mouthwash on his return. I couldn't find any alcohol in the house but I have now found bags of wine on top of wardrobe (the bags are taken from boxes of wine-he must have removed them to store them more easily). It is so sad that this is what he has been reduced to doing.

This is, for me, a real sign of the progression of this illness/disease. Where before he could forego the alcohol in my presence and be moody, he has now progressed to sneakily consuming in a few minutes a few times per evening before rejoining me.
What this means is that he's great company (coz he's getting what he needs) and we're getting along well, enjoying chats and laughs etc and no tension from him - only deep down this is all only possible because he is drinking - take it away and we're back to a heavy atmosphere.

I was all set to leave him last December but relented due to the begging for chances etc
Here we are a full year down the line and nothing much has changed. I don't regret that year as that's pointless and I have used the time to read lots on here as well as books and also attended counselling for myself during that time which has helped me better understand addiction.

Aside from the addiction we have a very nice and full life which I am finding difficult to let go of. I think I'm feeling slightly resentful of all that I now have to give up on just because he is addicted to alcohol argh!

He really is a lovely and kind man, generous and funny with a great career but the flip side is that he can be moody and negative and I mustn't forget that he has also been found on a dating site 2 years ago - even though he hadn't activated his profile.

I also look around at my friends and families marriages and I can see that most of their men are heavy drinkers - I imagine if you took the alcohol out of there lives they would also be awful to live with - am I making mountains out of molehills? just a thought.

I can't sustain the uncertainty of where this is all leading - deteriorating health etc I have already seen that he has now has progressed to sneaking alcohol into the home - what next...

I know I have to act soon but I know I won't do it before Christmas - please, please leave comments and advice. Thanks for reading.

knowthetriggers

Hi Hummer - welcome back!

I have been thru something similar just these last few weeks. I was also going to wait until "after the holidays" to do something until I just had enough last week. I packed his bag for him and sent him out for help - he did sneek back in late in the wee hours only to finally leave the very next day by taxi - he is currently in a detox/rehab facility that is strictly voluntary admission.....

I guess my point is, only YOU will know when you can't take it anymore. I stand to lose my home if my AH does not want help and find a job. I just couldn't take him being in my presence any longer. Sad to say but true.

((hugs)) to you that you can find the strength to do what is best for YOU in this difficult time.

dandylion

Hummer...it is often said that you will make a change when the "fear of staying is greater than the fear of leaving".....
Right now, it sounds as if you aren't ready for that , yet.....
You sound very attached, still, to the things that you imagine that you might be giving up.....

I say to keep on with the counseling and reading and learning...
Since alcoholism is progressive, things won't stay, forever, the way they are now......

AnvilheadII

(feel a bit foolish considering my post is entitled FINAL chance)

actually all three of the threads you have started are named Final Chance. just thought i'd point that out..........

one option you have is to tell him it's ok to drink in front of you - to NOT hide. because that is just a silly game.....you know he's drinking, he knows he's drinking, no need to act like a 13 yr old taking sips out of dad's liquor cabinet. then you'd get to SEE what you are really dealing with.

right now you both get to kind of pretend. it's like throwing a cloth over an elephant and calling it an end table.

dandylion

Hummer...Anvilhead said the same thing that I was thinking....maybe, it is just as well to tell him to go ahead and dispense with the "game" of trying to hide it.....

PhoenixJ

There are lots of shares on SR that may be of help to you. Read around the threads. My prayers for you and your family. PJ

knowthetriggers

^^This, because my AH drank in "private" and hid it all over the house. Only towards the end he was "hiding" it in plain sight, almost like playing a game himself of "catch me if you can". Basically that pushed me to the point of "get out and get help or just get out".......

atalose

I agree, you are not witnessing the FULL time alcoholic because of your part time marriage.

That part time marriage seems to work for the both of you. He can drink on the days/nights you are not present and on those not present days you don’t have to have a front row seat to his drinking or face the entire reality of it.

I can’t imagine that your friends and family are hiding bags of wine in their clothes closets. We often compare then attempt to minimize and or even justify the drinking/drugs, it’s another form of denial or bargaining in grief.

Hummer

I guess my point is, only YOU will know when you can't take it anymore. I stand to lose my home if my AH does not want help and find a job. I just couldn't take him being in my presence any longer. Sad to say but true.

Thanks for your input know the triggers - I have begun reading your back story and I'm sorry for all that you've been through - sounds as though your making great progress now though - I'll keep reading!

Hummer

AnvilheadII and dandylion, I always appreciate any feedback from you guys as it sounds as though you have much more experience than I do.

With regards to suggesting that my AH just drink in front of me, I could never bring myself to do that. It would seem like a backward step even though I know this situation is farcical and I know he does drink I do not wish to witness it first hand.

This situation can only continue for a short time (namely until xmas has passed) then I intend to tackle it with him.

Thanks everyone for support and advice

dandylion

Well, Hummer....if you can't tolerate him drinking "behind y our back"....and you can't tolerate him drinking if front of you.....it doesn't leave you much other choice, does it...?

Hummer

Thanks for pointing that out dandylion - like I said, this is only going unmentioned until we get through the holidays.

I don't have all the answers, most days i feel overwhelmed and confused but I will tackle it.

TobeC

The only person he is kidding is himself. That's truly sad. I often think ego is the number one thing that keeps alcoholics from surrendering to the disease and forgiving themselves once and for all so they can move forward and start healing. No one wants to admit they're different, no one wants to be labeled something that's negative. I get it but until that surrender happens the disease will continue its unmerciful grip on your loved one.

hopeful4

Oh gosh. I did the whole get through the holidays. Then it would be the next holiday, then the next. Wow.

It's so stressful to know when to pull the plug, but eventually in life you may not be part time married, and when and if that happens, how would you handle it? Then you would live w/a full time alcoholic.

After I finally divorced my XAH, I found booze hidden all over the house. One day it fell from the rafters in my garage. I found it buried in the ground out back, in my daughter's gym bag (nice eh, she was only 8 at the time, it was definitely his, not hers), the list goes on. I think after almost three years I have gotten it all, but who knows.

When I would find it I would eventually just sit it on the table. There was really no point in talking about it b/c he would say he would stop, we would both know he would not, blah, blah, blah. So I would just sit it there, no comment needed.

Hugs to you. I am really sorry you are going through this.

AnvilheadII

With regards to suggesting that my AH just drink in front of me, I could never bring myself to do that. It would seem like a backward step even though I know this situation is farcical and I know he does drink I do not wish to witness it first hand.

we call that denial. if i don't SEE it i can pretend it doesn't exist.

but it does. this is who he is. this is what he does when he thinks you are not looking. and by pretending to be someone other than who he is, he is lying to you. and by pretending you accept who he pretends to be, you too are living the lie.

which IS a choice. let's be clear, your situation is yours, and if you chose to own it and live it, more power to ya! you guys live apart, and don't see each other that often. maybe pretending will continue to work.

knowthetriggers

I did this - well we both did. We were both pretending we had it all together and that we were just one big happy family when the reality was we were both very unhappy.

Be true to yourself

NYCDoglvr

What's important to realize that if you don't want to be in the same place next year. Things will only change if you take the actions.

Hummer

Apologies for not replying sooner - had a busy few days with visitors.
I just want to say a very big thank you for the replies, virtual hugs
the SR community is a very caring and supportive place to come when we need reinforcement.

I'm very grateful that others are willing to spend time sharing, listening and advising - I have benefited and also learned a lot here from reading all the threads each week as well as the book recommendations - just finished Codependent No More for the second time!!

I agree that I'm in denial but I have made a decision to tackle my untenable situation after Christmas.

Wishing you all a peaceful time this Christmas.

Surviving2016

You have gotten great advice, but I just want to tell you I know how you feel...I'm batting with myself so hard these days to do what I KNOW I should do, and yet feeling unable to actually do it. I'm due with a baby the end of January and I have been telling myself I'll make a real change (file for divorce) after that, so I don't have that on my plate right now, but honestly I think I'm just kicking the can down the road.

So I just want you to know you're not alone, and I hope that those like us can eventually find the strength we need to do what's best for us.

Hummer

Surviving 2016 - Thank you for your kind words - I'm sorry you're suffering too.

Yes, we are just kicking the can down the street - we both know that but it's also about timing.

I hope and pray for clarity and decisiveness for us both in the new year to enable us to take difficult steps to a healthier future.

Very best wishes for the arrival of your new baby.