Seren

I am sorry to hear you feel that way, confused. It is perfectly natural, though, in my experience. My ex-husband cheated on me and filed for a divorce. Long story short--I eventually wanted one, too, because of his behavior. When it became close to final, I also felt overwhelming panic. I think the main thing to think about is raising your beautiful children in a home free from drama and addiction. As painful and awful as it is right now, it will be best for them and for you in the long run. Your wife needs to concentrate fully on her recovery in order to have a happy and healthy future, and you and the children don't need the front row to that chaos.

Although it is never something you should place your hopes and dreams in, maybe, someday, you two can reconnect because she will reach a place where she is sober, happy, and healthy. Her history, as you have shared, however, does not speak to that happening in the near future.

I know this is awful Sending prayers for peace.

Bekindalways

Hi Confused, what you are feeling is completely normal. Let those feelings come and let them go (and if you are like me those feelings will just keep coming around for a damn long time - AARRRGH).

Walking away from my qualifier felt like doing open heart surgery on myself without anesthesia. It was excruciating. My favorite read at the time was How to Survive the Loss of a Love.

Keep posting here and working through this.

Fortheloveofdog

Confused, it's so hard to leave a marriage, even a really damaged one, it took me years and there were no kids involved.

Maybe it will help to remember that your wife told you she can't get sober in your marriage and has shown you this too. Winding up in the ER multiple times with life-threatening BACs is very sick behavior, scary sick. The number of lines crossed to do that kind of damage are almost incomprehensible. For her to figure out how she got to where she is and develop tools to make sure she never goes back will be a huge undertaking. Two rehabs couldn't do it. She needs the time away from you and her kids to do this work; not a month or two, more like years.

Who knows, maybe down the road you can have a good relationship again, but it's not likely to be anytime soon given the extent of her illness. You really are doing the best thing for everyone.

Best wishes

teatreeoil007

I know this is really really really hard, but it's also really hard to be with an alcoholic like her. Yes, you will miss who she used to be. But you do not miss who she was/is when you separated. Maybe you need to be reminded of the hell she has put you through....You don't have live in that hell anymore....she is simply NOT the same person you married. If she was you would not be here and we wouldn't be posting replies to your thread. This time of year can be especially hard as perhaps you miss the old days when she was sober at Christmas time. So you are likely mourning that loss. You don't have to mourn alone. We are here too.

LexieCat

No need to panic. Breathe. You and the kids will be fine--it's an adjustment, for sure. Try creating a couple of brand-new traditions this year, rather than sticking with ones that are a reminder of life with her.

Nata1980

Can completely relate - have been through the same ordeal with XAH. Including ER and rehabs and DS witnessing some parts of the ordeal. Re-read your original post. I made a list of "why I am divorcing him", and still keep it my cell phone (almost 1 year after official separation), XAH is now sober and trying to do all the right things by me and DS - so whenever I slip into "I see the man I married" mode - I pull up the list. Works like a charm. It has nothing to do with forgiveness - it is more of a reminder for myself to stay away from the addict.