It took 10 years, but this marriage is done. Thank you, SR

Old 12-04-2016, 08:00 AM
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It took 10 years, but this marriage is done. Thank you, SR

I have been reading these forums for about 5 years now, but only made my first comment today. I know there are other “lurkers” like me and I want to thank everyone who posts here and let you know how much you help.

My husband started drinking heavily 10 years ago. In the beginning, I did all the things we family members do, I begged, I tried to control, I enabled, etc. Eventually I became isolated me from my friends and family as he made me fell worthless. He would tell me that I was a nag, a bit**, that all my friends knew this about me and warned him. He told me even my family told him what a bit** I am. He told me my friends were worthless. If I did keep any friends, he would get their number and hang out with them. He would follow me when I went out with friends and he would get insanely jealous and scream at me when I got home. So I kind of gave up. He started going out more and more while I spent years alone just waiting for him to come home. Sometimes he would, sometimes he wouldn’t. He would gaslight me and tell me he wasn’t going out as much as he was. He would tell me that the reality I was experiencing wasn’t true. I started keeping diaries just to prove to myself that what I was seeing is what was actually happening and wasn’t just my mind playing tricks on me like he said. It was crazy.

I suspected him of cheating, but he always had a good story. I told myself, even if he did cheat, he was just drunk and “slipped up”. I became depressed and put on a lot of weight. During those lonely days, I found SR and ya’ll saved me. I started seeing a counselor and going to al-anon. 4 years ago, I joined weight watchers and lost all the weight and then some. I think this freaked him out because he started trying to repair the relationship. He admitted to being an alcoholic and put on a good show for me, but his lies and manipulations continued. He just got better at them. He was a arrested a few more times, but I stopped bailing him out and rescuing him. Then he went to jail for a serious offense and spent 7 months locked up. It was the best 7 months of my marriage because he wasn’t yelling at me, lying to me, and I knew he wasn’t out getting wasted. Isn’t that sad.
He got out last year. I told him I wanted a divorce, but said I would wait until he was out of jail. Big mistake. He played me for a few months, we were going to try to reconcile and he was going to get clean. But his drinking and drugging continued and even worsened. He doesn’t just drink, he smokes pot, does cocaine, and is huffing air dusters and nitrous. He became a drug dealer so he could use and make money on the stuff. Then I found messages between him and several women, including one who is his long-time girlfriend. I found messages where he was bragging about giving a friend advice on how to cheat and not get caught by the wife. He said he had experienced based on his “decade of indiscretions”. It was heartbreaking, but the proof hit me like a ton of bricks.

I called a lawyer the next day, met with the attorney on Friday and the divorce is getting filed this week. It took me years to come out of the fog, but it all started when I found these forums. I want to thank all of you for your stories and words of wisdom and support. You do so much for the people who post, but also the one like me who lurk and read and realize we are not crazy. We are not alone. We are WORTHY of a good life and a good partner in this life. I am not beating myself up for his behavior like I used to. I didn’t cause it, and I can’t cure it. I learned to detach and work on myself. It took a while, but it helps to think of myself as a survivor of an plane crash. I am emerging from a fiery crater and as I drag myself away, I can start to look back and appreciate the tragedy and destruction I am escaping.

I still have a way to go and I don’t know if this divorce will go as smooth as I’d like. I’m calling a therapist next week. I think I will need one to get through this. We all know how angry they can get and how unpredictable their behavior can be. But I think I have the strength for it now thanks to you all.
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Old 12-04-2016, 08:06 AM
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It sounds a little strange to say I'm happy for you, given all the hell you've been through, but seeing someone open the cage door, spread their wings and getting ready to soar makes my heart glad.

You go, sweetie. Sending you a big fierce hug.
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Old 12-04-2016, 08:10 AM
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Go, you!
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Old 12-04-2016, 08:15 AM
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Thank you. I am happy for me, too. It sucks that I went through it, but life is too short for regrets. I learned a lot about myself in the process and I learned that his bad behavior is on him, not me. I survived! And I am escaping. That is a good thing.
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Old 12-04-2016, 08:16 AM
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What amazing strength you have, garnet.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. This SR community has really helped me, too.

Wishing you peace.
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Old 12-04-2016, 08:24 AM
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Garnet,

Well done. Keep moving forward.

Indescretion w such brash disregard for you is a tough one to forget.

I would do the same thing.

Thanks.
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Old 12-04-2016, 08:50 AM
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Garnet - your story brought tears of joy to my eyes. So happy for you, that you reached the other side.

It feels like I escaped the twilight zone. How these people act (the addicts) is truly on THEM and a shortcoming of something inside themselves. Who would brag about getting away with being a cheater? When I told my xA that I was leaving he told me that nobody would ever love me. I mean really, who says and does these kinds of things to PEOPLE.

SR, in whatever capacity it helps ppl (Lurkers, sharers, advisers) truly is a saving grace. It is one of the best, most caring, most brutally honest forums I have ever visited. Keep coming back and sharing if you can. There are lots of people who need help!
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Old 12-04-2016, 08:58 AM
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Garnet, good for you!! It's always great to hear from someone who says NO to disrespect and abuse. You are so right, we are all worthy of respect and honesty from our partners, friends, family, coworkers - from everyone with whom we connect.

Divorce is hard under any circumstances. Hang in there friend, it gets better.
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Old 12-04-2016, 09:15 AM
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Originally Posted by letitend View Post
Garnet - your story brought tears of joy to my eyes. So happy for you, that you reached the other side.

It feels like I escaped the twilight zone. How these people act (the addicts) is truly on THEM and a shortcoming of something inside themselves. Who would brag about getting away with being a cheater? When I told my xA that I was leaving he told me that nobody would ever love me. I mean really, who says and does these kinds of things to PEOPLE.

SR, in whatever capacity it helps ppl (Lurkers, sharers, advisers) truly is a saving grace. It is one of the best, most caring, most brutally honest forums I have ever visited. Keep coming back and sharing if you can. There are lots of people who need help!
Yes, these forums were and are an immense help. When I started reading here, I learned about al-anon and how to detach. I learned that I was not alone. It literally saved my life. I will keep coming back and start sharing more. It would be nice to pay it forward, if I can.
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Old 12-04-2016, 09:31 AM
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Gw,
Wow!! You are amazing my friend! What you have endured over the many years with your addict. You have not only survived, you will thrive. You have to understand this is all God's plan for us, it is not on our schedule. He makes sure that we are truly ready to do what we need to do. Once we stop fighting and accept it, our life just falls into place.

You are so brave and strong to have tolerated what you gone through over the years. It will take some time to go through the process. Keep posting and asking questions. There is many years of experience on this forum, we can help. Reach out to an alanon or aa meeting to, as that will help you also.

There is no turning back now, soar my friend, your potential is endless!!
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Old 12-04-2016, 10:17 AM
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This is amazing. Go go go!
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Old 12-04-2016, 11:45 AM
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For you, Garnetwaters:

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Old 12-04-2016, 12:06 PM
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You are brave and strong and I admire you! You will get thru the divorce. What you have been through the last several years is far more painful than divorce.
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Old 12-04-2016, 12:58 PM
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Good for YOU--it takes what it takes, for all of us. Hope you will stick around to support others, and to get support for yourself when you need it. No matter how smoothly things go, we all need a boost now and then.

Hugs,
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Old 12-04-2016, 01:36 PM
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Thanks for writing this post Garnet. There is so much sadness in our world that your story really helps me.
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Old 12-04-2016, 03:11 PM
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This is SO inspiring, thank you for taking the time to de-lurk and post. Your share gave me goosebumps, what a great recovery story!!!
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Old 12-04-2016, 03:28 PM
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You are a strong, resilient, brave and thoughtful person. Keep posting- my prayers to you. PJ
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Old 12-06-2016, 04:40 AM
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Sometimes the only way to avoid a train wreck is to get off of the rails. Every alcoholic leaves some sort of destruction but when it gets to that point, it seems like an abyss. Good luck, focus on your recovery.
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Old 12-06-2016, 12:19 PM
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You are an inspiration - thank you for sharing! And I cant wait to see what a bright future is in front of you!!
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