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Katchie 12-01-2016 06:09 AM

Its starting
 
In May my youngest son, who is a senior in high school this year, turned 18. He has been into trouble quite often since 9th grade and it seems it is only escalating with each year. My XAH left for Texas after our sons 18th birthday for a week and I new my son needed to come stay with me to avoid something bad happening because of no supervision. My XAH, in true fashion, after promising to back me up because he agreed with me, didn't back me up and allowed our son to verbally give me the big finger. As a result, he did exactly as I told my XAH he would do -- threw a big party with underage drinking.
Fast forward to this week. My son started his basketball season and I drove back to see his game. I find out upon arriving that my son has been suspended from school for a week and from basketball for a month because he was caught having relations with a 16 year old (I pray to God that the parents don't file any charges) and doing drugs. I call my XAH and find out our son has been experimenting with drugs since at least April.
There isn't a damn thing I can do. It's like the cycle is continuing and there isn't ANYTHING I can do but watch.

FireSprite 12-01-2016 06:29 AM

Oh Katchie, how incredibly heartbreaking. ((((((((Hugs)))))))))

Bekindalways 12-01-2016 06:50 AM

Oh Katchie. This has got to be the hardest thing to watch.

Big, big hug to you.

LexieCat 12-01-2016 06:57 AM

Yeesh, went through that sort of thing with my older son.

The "good news" is that sex between a consenting 16 y/o and an 18 y/o is PROBABLY not a criminal offense. You'd have to check the law where you live, but generally speaking, in most jurisdictions a 16 y/o is considered competent to consent to sexual activity, as long as the other party isn't a teacher, coach, or someone else with supervisory authority. Even with younger teens, there is often an exception where there is not a significant age gap (usually four years or so).

So yeah, kiddo needs to watch it, because mistake as to age isn't usually a defense (even if it's reasonable). The underage drinking (if others were served) is more likely to pose a legal problem.

ETA, I missed the stuff about the drugs. That's a huge worry, too. Lots of kids DO experiment (and that's all it is) but it's always a worry, especially when there's addiction in the family.

Hugs, it is SO tough to parent at that age.

dandylion 12-01-2016 06:58 AM

Katchie....as it stands, now, is this son totally under the influence of his father?
Like....does he live with him, full time?

From what you write...I can imagine that this kid is running with a peer group that is a bad influence on him...At this age..kids cling to their peer group and it seems to be their whole world....

SparkleKitty 12-01-2016 06:58 AM

I'm so sorry Katchie, but I am grateful that your son has at least one parent who models the self-respect, self-care, and good boundaries that can eventually lead him from going too far down this path. I know you feel powerless here, but you always have the power to show your son what better choices look like, and you have been doing that for awhile.

Katchie 12-01-2016 07:27 AM

Dandy, yeah, my son gave me the verbal finger when he turned 18 and said he would live with his dad full time and no longer had to do anything I say because he is 18 and made the choice to live where he can do what he wants when he wants with the blessing and financial backing of his alcoholic dad...WHO, BTW, blamed ME for what is happening with our son because I left. My XAH can't be a true father; all he seems able to do is be a buddy who gives gifts of money. My X is the path of least resistance that is most attractive to my teen. But, it's my fault for breaking up the family, not my X's addiction.

Katchie 12-01-2016 07:28 AM

And unfortunately, the leader of my sons peer group is my son.

dandylion 12-01-2016 07:42 AM

Katchie.....well, your son probably has the admiration of his peer group....and that is just as powerful....
too bad that he can't be sent to a residential school for the rest of his senior year....
I am reaching, here, ...but, I seem to remember that your brother-in-law was quite influential with your husband at one time (?)....(some family member?).....
and, that your inlaws, in general, were very concerned....and, that the family was rather close knit..?
Regardless of what they may think of you, right now....do you think it is possible that they could intervene and talk to your husband (and your son) about the fact that his kid needs more structure and direction....
***At least, could someone (male) talk to your son about using condoms...because, the last thing that anyone needs, right now is an unplanned pregnancy....
I also remember that your h usband was deeply involved in his religion and his church.....Do you think that any of them would be willing to talk to your husband in the interest of son...?

what about his coach?

firebolt 12-01-2016 02:11 PM

(((Katchie))) I'm sorry that would be so painful. I hope he finds his way.

Katchie 12-02-2016 04:17 AM


Originally Posted by dandylion (Post 6227702)
Katchie.....well, your son probably has the admiration of his peer group....and that is just as powerful....
too bad that he can't be sent to a residential school for the rest of his senior year....
I am reaching, here, ...but, I seem to remember that your brother-in-law was quite influential with your husband at one time (?)....(some family member?).....
and, that your inlaws, in general, were very concerned....and, that the family was rather close knit..?
Regardless of what they may think of you, right now....do you think it is possible that they could intervene and talk to your husband (and your son) about the fact that his kid needs more structure and direction....
***At least, could someone (male) talk to your son about using condoms...because, the last thing that anyone needs, right now is an unplanned pregnancy....
I also remember that your h usband was deeply involved in his religion and his church.....Do you think that any of them would be willing to talk to your husband in the interest of son...?

what about his coach?

All good ideas, but in the end, my X gives great lip service to everyone. My sons coach is involved. I'm trying to formulate a plan that in the event he screws up again (this is his second suspension this year) he could come live with me in a new school. If he messes up, I wouldn't be surprised to see him expelled from this private school; as a matter of fact, that he wasn't is the real surprise. Kids have been kicked out for less. I just want to get him graduated. I don't know how well my X will work with me since he's about to be served for contempt of court because he hasn't paid alimony since March.

dandylion 12-02-2016 05:37 AM

Katchie.....it sounds like you husband is running a "bachelor pad" of hedonism....and giving carte blanch to a youngster.....
Really, Katchie, I think that it is no less than criminal, of him......


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