Our own thinking pattern
 

I was reading another post that talked about stinkin thinkin and don't we have our own pattern of that? Our nature just turns to codependency due to our nature instead of using alcohol to get through a day. How does that thinking show up and how do we put down the codependency habit? The daily struggle to stop my own self blame and set daily boundaries is so hard though some days are better then others. Why the inconsistency? Can we identify our triggers? What makes those inconsistencies happen and why are some people not codependent when that's my model for living? How do I stop the cycle for myself and my own children?

hh,

From what you've posted, I'm not sure it's co-dependency that is your problem. You live with an abuser, who has been messing with your head for a long time. I think you might do better working with a therapist or support group for survivors of abuse. I'm not a mental health professional, but I've been around Al-Anon for a long time and also worked in the DV field for a long time and have learned a lot about the effects of abuse. I agree that your own thinking may be holding you back, but overcoming the effects of abuse is different from overcoming co-dependency as I understand it. You've been absorbing messages from your husband for a long time that devalue you and put you down. That sort of thing screws up just about anybody. If you call your local shelter they can probably help hook you up with someone to work with you.

hearthealth...Please consider LexieCat's words, in her post.
Alcoholism and abuse are two separate things..(but, can overlap).....
Don't assume that you are the cause of everything that happens.....

Exactly what are you doing for yourself, at this point? (we can help you more , if we know...exactly)...

I crush 25 cans of beer in 5 days but this is not the max that he has had to drink. The volume is not a lot to some standards. Maybe he is just a problem drinker and not an alcoholic. Maybe I don't belong on SR. The health issues that he has could be contributed by his drinking. I hear on the other forum describing themselves as self centered and entitled. That sure could be my husband. Yes that can be the abuse but it could be my family origin to dealing with AF while growing up.

Trust me, you "belong" here. Your participation here is about YOU, not him.

You absolutely belong here.

Maybe instead of trying to figure out to what degree your husband is or isn't an alcoholic, you can take that time and energy and start exploring those very important questions you are asking in your original post here. Not being consistent with boundaries, taking blame and responsibility for things you know are not yours -- those are good questions.

I don't know if I knew you had an alcoholic parent before. That can have a tremendous impact on your model of relationships of what you think of as "normal" or "acceptable". My mother is an alcoholic, and it took me several years of therapy to work through all of the related issues stemming from that circumstance when it came to relationships with others. I personally identify as a recovering Codependent, and found therapy extremely helpful.

All that being said, please take Lexie's post to heart. Your situation feels imminently precarious based on what you have reported here.

hearthealth....You ask "How do I stop the cycle for myself and my children?"

First thing....getting yourself and your children out of an environment of abuse and bad treatment.....
You have planned o n filing for divorce in Jan uary,,,and, I hope that you will carry through on that plan (with help from the DV people)....
It is impossible to heal from the abuse while you are being abused....

I went back and scanned through all of your threads...and, it is so evident that your husband has been "mean" to you and the kids and the dog, for a very long time.
I used the word "mean", but you can use the word "cruel", or "abusive" or whatever word that conveys that someone is being victimized by another in a wonton way.....
You can call him an alcohol abuser, or call him an alcoholic, or call him a sober "mean" guy....What matters, is the bottom line of how you and the kids and dog are living....

It is not your fault for what h e does wrong...that is entirely on him.
It is wrong of HIM....
I do agree with you, that your Family of Origin may render you more vulnerable to this kind of treatment...but, it doesn't excuse him...and, it is just as important that y ou get away from this kind of environment....

I know that you are terrified of the future....and, it is no wonder...
Living in abuse takes a toll on you..it erodes you self confidence asnd you self esteem....it may even make it hard to think clearly and cause y ou to feel "helpless"....
That will all change when you start to take your own power back...even baby steps will help you to feel more empowered...

Look at it this way....you are afraid that your world will collapse...but, I am here to tell you....that will not happen! How do I know?....because you have been able to live for years in circumstances that some other people could never endure.....You are certainly not a creampuff. If you could l ive under that kind of abuse...you will thrive when you are in a healthy and "free" environment.....

Your courage will arrive at the second before y ou need it...that is how courage works!!!!

Of course, you belong on SR....Why in the world do you think that so many of us care about you and are trying so hard to help you, if you didn't belong here??

Part of my fear was maybe I didn't truly belong. Thank you Lexie, Sparklekitty, and Dandylion. I keep reading over your posts and part of me feels sad. My children and I are laughing and having fun over homework and my husband who must have a daily buzz is missing out but that is on him.
My plan is to put a retainer down next month. Move some important papers out in December early January. Contact DV more regularly in January and have him served when everything is in place.

You belong, HH. 100% you are welcome here. I am giving you the official OK as a Moderator. :)

Mike :)
Moderator, SR

Attagirl. You can DO this--you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Keep working on holding your head up. You deserve so much more than what's been dumped on you. So do your kids.

So keep yukking it up over the homework. You are giving the kiddos some happy memories right this minute.

Just chiming in and reminding you that you have a big ole cheering section here...with many, many people that have been there. Keep posting. We have a tendency to retreat when we are having a hard time or wavering, and that is ALWAYS a good time to catch a meeting or check back in here. Hang in there, January will be here before you know is and kudos for taking super smart calculated movements.

:cheer:cheer

Thank you firebolt. Go team fight for the _____ kids. Ok an off shoot of cheerleading. Still waiting for husband to come home tonight. Must be *working* late. I have important papers in my trunk. Will drop them off at family tomarrow.

Fight for the kids AND Mama!!! YOU deserve happiness, health and peace too :)

Hearthealth, I second what the others have said. Stay the course; it sounds like you are plotting a good one.

You sound like you really belong. I have not been in a relationship with an A for decades but come here because I'm a depressive and it helps to see folks like you taking steps to make life better for themselves and their families.

Count me in as one of your cheerleaders!

I dropped some things off at my stepmom. She asked out of concern, if this was the best timing due to how involved I am with my mother. This is what I had said in earlier posts. I am not doing it as a delay but really wondering if ignoring husband for a while and dealing with mom is a better way to go. Or having the stress with my mother and the lack of emotional support with husband worse. I shouldn't have cancelled the divorce two years ago everything would have been settled. HP timing was so perfect I had to get in the way by taking him back.

HH,
We are married to the same person!

You totally can do this.

Hang tough Hearthealth. Keep taking the next step no matter how teeny it is!

hearthealth......Being realistic....won't you be without the emotional support of your husband regardless of any circumstances. It doesn't sound like he will be likely to do a sudden 360 and become a pillar of support.
When you need for support for you mother's situation increases...I predict, with a lot of certainty that it will be the others in your life that will be there for you....(not him). At least, that was the way it was for me with my first husband.

You will be surprised how much less stress it is not to have an alcoholic abuser in your daily envirionment. It is like walking around with a millstone around your neck....and, it becomes so familiar to live like that,,,,that we are unaware of how much drain it really is....

don't start doubting yourself...keep facing forward.....

I am sorry but this is a trigger for ME, personally. Is it the 'best time' to get the kids and you safely out of abuse? WT*%! Yesterday would have been a good time IMHO. I have learned thru experience that some people do not need to know what I am doing for ME. I do not need approval from anyone to be happy. In your case, you are also needing safety.

You keep moving and grooving. You are going to get out on the other side. And BTW, we all belong here, you included dear.

OT self neglect
 

So here comes a rant. I just found out husband made purchases on things for himself and what he wanted for the household. He stated it is a good investment. I have been so entwined that I haven't even bought a winter jacket for myself and we've had our first snowfall for the season. I enjoy the beauty of the trees. It's not that I can't afford it. It's that everything and everyone else comes first. Even that deluxe garbage can he just bought. I told him he will have to go to the dump then since we don't have curbside and now it definitely will be a struggle. Yes, I even do that most of the times.