Nata1980

It is hard. It will be hard for a long while. Mostly because you "cannot live without what he WAS when he had good moments". There is a hope that that person will come back. What I had to let go is of that "person I married". And it was the hardest thing I have ever done.

Go an reread your original post, and, moreover, your "comeback" response where you describe him being violent.

Can you live without this? I realize that there is a person behind the addiction, but person is a sum of his behaviors. I guarantee you that you can not only live without his nonsense, your life will improve dramatically.

It has been almost a year since I have separated, and then divorced XAH - I have never looked back

Ariesagain

You're a mom. If you can't do it for you, do it for them.

The reason it's so hard to let go is that you're addicted to the "good" moments, which happened just often enough and were good enough that you are hooked...google "intermittent reinforcement" sometime. They will be fewer and farther between as he moves deeper into addiction...and you will put up with more and more abuse trying to get that fix again.

Have you been to Al-anon yet or called the DV hotline? You really really need some real life support.

It's not love. It's sickness. It's addiction.

Refiner

OT it's good you're learning about addiction. BUT... he is an ABUSER. Forget about him and HIS issues... it's time to learn about YOUR codependency issues and low self esteem. Those are the most important issues to learn about bc that is why you are in the situation you're in. Does that make sense?

OT4Kids

I did see go to a crisis center to learn about domestic violence. But it's the disappearing that hurts me more than anything else

dandylion

OT4Kids....Yes, it DOES hurt. I understand that kind of hurt. It hurts l ike nobody's business.
They can, in their selfishness, crush our hearts, with their actions.....
Go ahead and cry.....

You don't deserve to be treated like this!

Ariesagain

The disappearing is a form of abuse. Abuse isn't just physical...there's verbal abuse (calling you a bitch for holding him accountable), psychological abuse (telling you you're controlling and therefore his drinking is your fault) etc.

Here's an article I found..

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/10-my...eNoSplash=true

AnvilheadII

you think he's worried about YOU right now? or the kids?

not one bit.

then he'll come waltzing back in like nothing has happened. because he can. and if you don't welcome him with open arms......?

i worry for your safety.

OT4Kids

i dont feel like things will ever get better . I also don't feel like I can live without him.

SparkleKitty

OT, feelings aren't facts.

As long as you keep telling yourself that things will never get better, they won't.

As long as you keep telling yourself that you can't live without him, you will believe it.

In the meantime, your kids are learning what relationships look like and how people deserve to be treated, and they have no power to change their situation.

I can tell you from experience that there IS more to life and relationships than what you are settling for, but until YOU can find a little faith in that, nothing will change.

LexieCat

I'm not quite sure where this "can't live without him" is coming from. You were married to someone else for a very long time. I don't know when he came back into the picture, but your kids have a father. Does he support them? If not, he should be. Is it just that emotionally you feel you can't live without him? Most of your adult life, you did.

This sounds horrible for your kids--you aren't even able to be there emotionally for them because you're so wrapped up in this dysfunctional relationship.

It's great that you got some information about domestic violence, but you really need to work with an advocate, who can help you get free of this very damaging relationship. I'm worried about your safety--physical, emotional, and economic/financial.

AnvilheadII

you must focus on your CHILDREN. they NEED you. your overhwelming dependence upon another is very unhealthy - and unnecessary. you are a full grown adult, with responsibilities. he's just a man.........who has checked out. time to pick yourself up and get on with the business of living.

amy55

OT,

I told you that I went through this also. I found out that while I was going through that, that I had developed a one-track mind. I was always so focused on what I could do to make things better, that I wasn't even thinking about myself and what I needed and what I wanted.

Do you feel that this could be happening to you? Can you try right now to start thinking about yourself and how this is affecting you, or does it go right back to "why is he doing this to me"? We can ask that question all we want, but then we just have circular arguments or conversations in our own head, and they all revolve around him.

I got so caught up in that one-track mind, and the circular conversations in my head that I was no longer able to think about me, and to tell you the truth, I couldn't even think about whether or not I even still loved him, it was like I wanted the "win". I wanted him to come home and that everything would be OK. It wasn't. It was never going to be OK, and when I was actually able to think about it, I really didn't even love him for a long time.

Take some time for yourself. Do something that you like to do. Get to know yourself.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy

dandylion

OT4kids....if you read the stories of the thousands of other women on this forum....many of them felt the same way....that they couldn't "make it" on their own...for a variety reasons. that is not uncommon for someone who is entwined in a dysfunctional relationship. Especially, if there are do-dependency issues...
Thi s is why we are so inclined to recommend alanon or similar support group....to validate your feelings and help you deal with the feelings....
That is also why we recommend having your own counselor (even in addition to alanon)...because face to face support is so important....
And, of course, keep posting and sharing with us...because you certainly not the first woman who has felt like this!!!

I want you to repeat to yourself, many, many, times a day..."I CAN live without him". That is self talk...and what you tell yourself,silently (self talk)...is what you will believe.
Remember that feelings are not facts...

You are hurting, and you will be grieving, for sure....but, don't let this temporay pain rob you from happiness in your and your childrens future....
I always call that "short term pain for long term gain"

You CAN do what you need to do...baby step, babystep, babystep.....

OT4Kids

He is still gone. Do I call the police? Hospitals? Thursday was the 1 year anniversary of his father's death.

LexieCat

He keeps doing this. He's probably doing the same things he did before--getting drunk, spending your money, and god only knows what else.

Suppose he IS in jail, or in the hospital. If he is, he's being taken care of. If not, well, there's nothing you can do about it, right?

Can you get to an Al-Anon meeting tonight?

AnvilheadII

if he had been arrested, or taken to a hospital, they probably would have contacted you by now. chances are that he is still just out doing what he did when he first abandoned the home and didn't return. if he's on a drug spinner it could be 2-3 days before he resurfaces....

i'd take a look at the bank accounts. and i'd move funds out of harms way. i'd check to see if my kids are ok and think about what they need next.

and i'd get damn MAD that he just walked off without a backwards glance or a word. THAT ain't RIGHT. you don't deserve this.

FeelingGreat

Honey you know what he's doing. Why do you feel the need to chase him? If anything happens to him you'll learn soon enough.

OT4Kids

Thank you all for your support. You are keeping me from slipping over the edge.

LexieCat

Times like this it's great to be a member of Al-Anon. When you feel like you're ready to go over the edge, there are people you can call who can talk you down.

Ariesagain

Sending you a hug.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. It's one of the hardest lessons we ever learn because it's so opposed to every nurturing, caring instinct we have.

He's broken...by choice...but you don't have to be.