faithinGod35

Hi, this is my first post on this site. My husband of 10 years is an alcoholic, and has been our entire marriage. I'm sure the stories I could tell would match many others. I had two kids before we were married and we have a daughter together. Through everything I have stayed with him. Just recently he got his second impaired within 4 years of each other. As well he lost his job as he was driving a company vehicle. Of course immediately after he said he was done drinking(which I have heard many times before). I actually thought for a bit that this was the time. He goes for a week and then ends up drunk again. He's not doing the things he needs to to stay sober. I've considered leaving as I feel I've done this long enough and realize his rock bottom is very low as he's still drinking and driving when he gets drunk. I have family support but I don't work outside of the house. I don't want to be a burden on my family even though they would say I'm not. And actually don't want to live with my parents as I've tried that before. What steps should I take to leave him? I'm a Christian and I really believe in marriage but when is enough, enough? The only thing I can think to do would be to sell our house as that's the only thing we own worth anything. It breaks my heart to think of moving on starting over. But my motto now is move FORWARD not BACKWARDS. Sorry for the long post but I really needed to vent

qtpi

So sorry for your trouble. keep posting. venting is fine. if he lost his job and you don't work outside the home....i wouldn't want to live with my parents either. But is there another relative who may take you in? Do you need to see a social service agency or something like that so you can get food stamps or housing help? Many lawyers will give you a free legal consultation but maybe there is legal aid. As always alanon is a good idea. Perhaps if you call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline they can give you some phone numbers for social service agencies- and maybe free counselling.

PhoenixJ

FIG- I was the alcoholic in your story. My family left me under some pretty extreme circumstances. I would suggest you do think carefully about your safety (he drinks and drives- a danger to you, himself and innocent people) and your children. If he does not want to actively change- proof is in the doing, then from my experience it may get worse. I find my family blameless- I am sober and doing ok. Perhaps if he sees a doctor. I can understand re living with parents- but ask your self- is it bad- like living with a destructive alcoholic? It would not be for ever I assume. Prayers to you and your family, including your husband, PJ
oh by the way -we are divorcing- I believe in marriage- my dad was a senior Anglican minister and the ex's family are strict Catholics. Every family has it's breaking point.

LexieCat

You don't have to do anything this second. I'd suggest you start doing some information-gathering. Talk with a lawyer--that will help you start considering your options. You can't just sell the house on your own if it is the marital home. What you need is a plan, and a plan begins with figuring out what you need, and what resources are available to you. Getting legal advice is a logical place to begin.

TobeC

I think one of the more important facts that people fail to at least acknowledge is that the vast majority of addicts use or drink to make themselves happy and they never set out to intentionally hurt their loved ones. Usually it's the ego that gets in the way of seeking treatment and start healing. I can tell you from experience life is better in recovery. Go to a meeting. Part of AA is helping other alcoholics in need. Your guy is in need. Be a human being and get him help. Any member of AA should be willing to help.

LexieCat

It isn't up to her to "get him help" when he has shown no interest in getting sober and staying that way. And I think it's rather unfeeling of YOU to suggest that for her not to jump in and rescue him makes her less than a "human being."

If you're in AA, I'd suggest you focus your efforts on helping fellow suffering alcoholics rather than giving advice to hurting family members asking for help in leaving a relationship that is harming them.

Incidentally, I have been sober for eight years, and have been married to two alcoholics, one who got sober and stayed that way, and the other who is still drinking himself to death. Neither of which outcomes that I was responsible for.

PhoenixJ

Bump

faithinGod35

I completely agree with you Lexie. If I could get him help and make him do something he would be clean and sober. It's easy for people to give opinions when they are not living the situation. Alcoholics, I've learned through experience are manipulators and will say whatever they have to to keep their loved ones close and their addiction even closer. My husband is king at this. I agree that's it's a disease and they don't intentionally hurt their loved ones but unless they are getting help of their own doing there is no saving them. And I'm at the point of realizing that might come someday far down the road but am I willing to stick around and wait?

TobeC

I think if you read what I said you will note that I suggested getting a member of AA to speak to him. His recovery is on him but sometimes a little encouragement is all it takes.

LexieCat

She can certainly ask if he's willing to talk with someone from AA. My issue was not with the suggestion that someone from AA might be able to reach him, it was with your statement "be a human being and help him,"suggesting that this is her job and that her failure to do it makes her less than compassionate.

Even if he were to get sober today, it still might be appropriate for her to leave, which is what she asked for help with. None of us is obligated to stick around in a relationship that is harmful to us.

You're perfectly welcome on these threads, but please watch your own tone when it comes to giving advice.

Eauchiche

Re: Christian Marriage
The New Testament makes provision for a woman to leave her husband under certain conditions.

DesertEyes

Okay people, kindly follow the rules we have for posting.

Post only if you have personal experience with the original question at the top of the thread. If you do not have such personal experience then go to some other forum where you actually do have experience to share.

Mike
Moderator, SR

PhoenixJ

Faith- sending my prayers to you via god (of course).

faithinGod35

Thanks for the prayers. I believe prayer is the most powerful weapon we have.

Praying

I'm a Christian as well, and I deeply struggled with the thought of abandoning my commitment to my XAH.

A few things really helped me--

My pastor told me that God didn't ask for self-sacrifice. Marriage is a binding commitment by two people, and my H had essentially left the commitment by placing the marriage below his addiction. He was already gone and I was holding onto a ghost of a promise. And I said--What about sickness and health? Wasn't this the sickness, or the horrible times we're supposed to be patient and weather? Well, yes, in the beginning. There comes a time where it's no longer just "sickness" or "bad times", but a repetitive destructive pattern of abusing the marriage. I was only 50%.

He pointed me to sections of the bible that talked about God hating divorce, etc. But he said we take that literally--when the true meaning is that God cannot stand the pain we go through when someone breaks that bond...and that the bond is already broken when one person chooses AGAINST loving and honoring their spouse. The divorce had already happened, and the pain was already there. Me holding it together out of respect for MY HALF of the promise was not marriage in God's eyes. It was already over when he continually walked away from it.

I read a lot about it, prayed a lot, and hung on way too long in my own situation. For a long time I prayed for guidance on how to be patient, loving, forgiving, helpful--whatever I could do to preserve my family.

When I hit the end of my rope I finally gave it to God (which I never really understood before as a control freak, but I was exhausted). I simply prayed, "please show me what you want me to do".

For me, that path opened almost immediately and was NOT what I expected. It included a divorce, a job 1,000 miles away back home where my kids could be surrounded by family and friends (that paid for my move), no fight from X on me leaving the state, and a house I could afford in the neighborhood I had previously called home (that I bought virtually sight unseen). Within three months, I went from utter lonely despair to my own home surrounded by friends...terrifying to DO, but when I opened my heart, I truly believe it was laid out for me to see and pursue in a leap of faith.

That was 3.5 years ago. I have no regrets and feel blessed every day. By the time I decided to leave, I knew I it was right.

Hugs and prayers that you'll find the right path for you. Whatever it is...I believe that with an open heart you will find it.

atalose

Faith, I think you took a big step by coming to SR and posting. Lots of true and tried experience here with the wonderful members. Always remember, take what you like and leave the rest!

I can remember being so overwhelmed with living life with an A and all of the emotions that come along with, it can paralyze you keeping you stuck in the same old place.

I think you should look around for a local Al-anon meeting for yourself, can’t hurt to check it out and give it a try.

I also agree that seeking legal counsel as soon as possible would be a great benefit to you in knowing what your options might be and how you can protect yourself financially.

One of the things I learned was to stop thinking/talking WE and start talking ME. At this point with his history and given it’s his 2nd DUI in a relatively short period of time and no job, finances are going to blow out the window. You need to protect yourself!!

faithinGod35

Thanks for your post praying! It was extremely helpful for me to look at it from a different view.

honeypig

Yes, praying, that was a really helpful post. I'm not from any particular religious background, so I didn't have to work thru those types of objections when considering divorce, but I think the ideas behind what your pastor told you are useful to anybody; they certainly hit home for me, even now 1-1/2 years post divorce.

He seems like a wise and caring man, and I'm glad you had someone like that to help you think about and make your decisions.

Thanks for posting that here.

Lilro

Good Morning Faith

It's obvious you've got a good handle on how the mind of your alcoholic works.. Good for you. Now, whatcha gonna do with that info? Some things you may want to ponder are you personal liability if he hurts someone while drinking and driving. Your financial liability of the above also.
You are not his mother and are not his to fix. He knows he has a problem but chooses to do nothing about it. Keep on keepin on, Ya know?
I'm more spiritual than religious so I can't relate on that level. I can however tell you that LIFE IS SHORT and moves at the speed of lightening. You need to do what is good for you, what makes you happy. If he catches up, he catches up. If he doesn't well, that's on him. He's not your responsibility, he's a grown man. Get yourself some legal counsel before making any decisions.
You owe it to yourself to have a good life. Go get it !