FireSprite

Love is NEVER enough in & of & by itself, IMO, because the addict & non-addict have different definitions for it during active & progressive phases of this disease:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nt-enough.html


I don't regret my marriage & in ways I am truly grateful because I don't think I would have ever been motivated to dig deeper into my FOO/ACoA damage. That was, for me, the root of all my personal issues as a codependent. I would have continued to be a human wrecking ball, ping-ponging through my life without any understanding that I even NEEDED recovery for myself.

But would I knowingly get into a relationship/marriage with an active, unrecovering alcoholic? That's like asking me if I'd run INTO a burning building knowing everyone had already evacuated; hell no.

Refiner

Maybe an even more pointed question would be: "Would you marry (or even date) an A?" Even if one WAS in recovery, I would have to say NO. After learning so much about this "disease" (I struggle with acceptance of it as a disease, too, since choice is involved), I would always be looking over my shoulder for the shoe to drop and would not like to deal with that in a relationship. Just being honest.

CoParentToA

I didn't realize that my AH was an alcoholic until AFTER I divorced him, although certainly the signs were there and I'm sure I was rationalizing / accepting his rationalizations and had characterized him as a "problem drinker" who abused alcohol when he was stressed.

As such, I didn't outline a legal framework to protect my young children, and I live in constant fear that they will be with him when he relapses, something he's done several times while they are in his care.

I know others who have been similarly frustrated by how difficult it is to get the legal system to help protect their children, physically - you basically have to prove that the A is putting the kids' lives in danger to secure sole custody. And that doesn't even begin to get into the potential emotional issues (which the court doesn't seem to take into account at all).

There is a lot to regret.

atalose

There are 4 phases to managing a disaster, mitigation, preparedness, response and recovery.

If you view alcoholism as a hurricane your life with an A could possibly be nothing more than mitigation, preparedness, response and recovery or as many of us put it the Merry Go Round.

Enough rides on that Merry Go Round and you want off.

Knowing what I know today NO I would not marry an A, not even a recovering A who has years of sobriety. Addiction is life long and no matter how much clean/sober time the A has they will ALWAYS be one bad decision away from relapse.

Kboys

I regret a lot of things, like staying for as long as I did and putting up with as much abuse as I did... and allowing my kids to witness as much as they did.

But I don't regret marrying him. We were in love.
Looking back now, I clearly see the red flags, and knowing what I know NOW, I would have ended our relationship within the first month of dating.

But there was a lot I didn't know back then about alcoholism and abuse...

BeachPlease

Nope, I wouldn't have married him. I enjoyed spending time with him though. I didn't listen to that voice inside. I tamped it down with justification and rationalization.

Thomas45

This is a question that is difficult to articulate in strictly yes or no terms. The thing is, I'm fairly certain that none of us on this forum were forced into marriage, those of us who chose it did it because at some point, we felt genuine feelings of affection. So on one hand, to state that I regret marrying my ex wife is to cast aside the genuinely good times that I had.

On the other hand, to state that I don't regret marrying my ex wife is to say that in an overall sense, the good times outweighed the bad. But they certainly did not.

Things I do regret:
- On the first day that I met her, not believing her when she said that she was a bad person
- Trying to always see the best in people
- Being ignorant about the nature of alcoholism
- Being prideful in thinking that I could fix her alcoholism by showing her how to be happy through living a normal, secure life
- Allowing someone to have control over my emotions
- Allowing myself to endure abuse
- Losing sense of who I am, morally and spiritually

Good things that came about from my negative experiences:
- I understand the nature of addiction
- I no longer try to take responsibility for saving people from themselves
- I cut off negative influences from my life without apology
- I do not tolerate abuse
- I refuse to compromise my self value or deviate from my strict moral code
- My time alone has allowed me to regain my sense of self, and that's not something I'm willing to throw away for anyone
- I no longer believe in second chances -- not for me, and not for others. Jaded? Sure, you could call it that. But it keeps me strong in my sense of self value, and self value is what allows you to derive happiness from yourself rather than needing it from others.

Ifnotforgrace

Not likely the answer you might want to hear from a Al-Anon Lifer..

I absolutely would NOT marry him again, even though I survived and even came to thrive through the Al-Anon program, Would that I had never met the man. He died a drunk at the age of 39 and the last 3 yrs we were together were a living hell I would not wish on my worst enemy. Disease or not..I found out that if you get an std, shot, stabbed or rapped or even just suffer verbally or emotionally abuse..whether the person is sick or not..the pain is real, and wounds leave scars and the process of healing, forgiveness and grief is long and arduous one.

So if simply not dating a person whom you know drinks can avoid any of that and more..Knowing all that I know now..it's a simple choice for me... No is a complete sentence. There is no need for me to travel a rough road.just to prove I can.

SusieJ

Yes Unfortunatley I do, He was a functional A. We had our dream wedding in April this year in Barbados with family I. Attendance, he even chose the wedding music for me to walk to him. He cried when I reached him and he saw me. A week after returning from our wedding and honeymoon I found out he has been seeing someone else for 18 months. Wow I was floored, my selfish AH should have told me before we went off to get married. I have since asked him why he didn't tell me he said he was frightened I would pull out of the wedding....yes I would and would have run for the hills. I asked him why he married me he said because he wanted to .....he is no longer with me and is with the OW I paid for him to go into rehab stupidly thinking that it was a drunken fling....he came back the day after and left me for the OW.

I am working on myself now through the help of Al Anon and every day the hurt gets less. I know he bitterally regrets his decision to run off with the OW and escape his former life because he's to ashamed to face it.

But it's to late....I'm done.

And yes I do regret it but that's just my story and everyone's not the same.

Big hugs x

Katchie

I haven't read everyone else's posts so perhaps my response will be the same. I was married for 22 years. When I reflect back to our time together before marriage there were clear warning signs, but I didn't understand what I was witnessing. I even had a talk with him at dinner after he proposed to me about drinking and how I didn't want it to be part of our marriage, especially when we had children. So, again, I must have had an instinct that something was amiss, but didn't have the knowledge about alcoholism to truly understand. As far as regretting my marriage -- no. If I hadn't married him I wouldn't have the wonderful sons I have today. My only regret was that I stayed so long. I wasn't ready. I had my own journey to take before I could make such a decision. However, there may come a time where I can say I don't regret the length I stayed either because I can see already that it has shaped me into the person I am today. My current relationship is stronger and healthier than I could have imagined was possible.

SmallButMighty

I do not regret marrying my high school sweetheart. We had a good life for a long time, we raised two wonderful children. Can't regret that.

I do not regret divorcing the alcoholic that man became after the chaos took over our lives.

The man I left was NOT the same man I married 22 years earlier (after 1 year of living together and 3 years of dating prior to that) Alcoholism ruined him. Codependency almost took me down too.

I regret not REALLY learning about alcoholism sooner.
I regret not REALLY learning about codependency sooner.
I regret a lot of my own behaviours because of my lack of knowledge.

I'm sad my children don't get to have an intact family and that they will spend the rest of their lives having to decide which parent they are to visit for this or that holiday or celebration etc... but I certainly don't regret my decisions that brought them into the world or the decisions that brought us all to the places we are now.

jojo82

No regrets.

She is and always will be the love of my life.

sauerkraut

I haven't read other people's responses, but I had a similar moment and reaction at an Al Anon meeting. In fact listening to another woman talk about how lovely her morning was with her AH right before he disappeared for the rest of the day and night I was incredulous. It was helpful for me to hear her story, and what she was accepting, because it made me see what I no longer wanted in my own life, and what I could expect if I stayed stuck.

Bekindalways

I never did marry my qualifier. Actually I never married nor had children and that has often been difficult. Even with never having a family, I don't regret it. For me marrying him wasn't even a choice although leaving him certainly wasn't a solution that I liked (-;

I see quite a few here wishing that they had known more about alcoholism/codependency. I somehow did know. Perhaps it was because I was a huge reader (this was waaaay before internet). Also I had and still have an intense curiosity about humans and their perceptions, actions, nature and experiences. Lastly, I had a foster sister from an alcoholic family. I saw what she was doing to make her life different from her parents (she asked questions, read, and worked to be different). My qualifier just said, "I will never be like that." . . . end of effort to be different from alcoholic parents.

What I didn't understand at the time was the depth of my own wounds; my family was relatively happy. No alcoholism. No divorce. Learning about myself has been a journey in humility and self-compassion.

NYCDoglvr

I regret staying far too long in the relationship. In AA's big book it says that alcoholics have a very hard time forming a relationship, even in recovery. Even Bill Wilson was a womanizer, part of the reason his wife, Lois, started Alanon.

Slowdown12

I often hear people at Al Anon meetings share things that make me shake my head inside! But I know that for me , marrying an alcoholic was the way I got to Al Anon. It is the only place I know that people listening to what I say - shake their heads inside- and don't advice me or question me. Slowly slowly I learn how to communicate with my husband in a more effective way. I believe i unknowingly chose an alcohlic because my upbringing had trained me to always lookout for the needs of others- seriously dis functional, but looked good from the outside!!