Ultimatums
 

I see a lot of people on this board giving ultimatums. Do you follow through or is it just a way to vent your frustrations at the alcholic? I have been through 24 years and three kids with mine. I have never given an ultimatum unless prepared to back it up. I seem to have great success with this. Of course, I just got divorced from him after 16 years of marriage, but who says we can't ever get remarried. Right now I need the time for my healing. And surprising enough, he went on a binge for a bit but has now been sober for 2 weeks. He says it's hard and he has to go not day to day but second to second. It was and is scary, but I know I will survive. Everything has been very amicable mainly because I have taken the high road and refuse to argue. I am working on changing myself and I think he sees this and wants to come along with me. The kids are all doing great and not falling apart. That was the one thing I worried about most. (They are all straight A students and involved with school a lot.) I do believe it has been better for them NOT seeing their father passed out on the couch all the time. He will always be their Dad and I will NOT stop them from a relationship with him, but he will not be around drunk because that is not spending time with them. He has been over most every night sober to visit the kids and do things around the house, but I told him I'm not holding my breath. The whole mood has changed for the better.

HI Cheryl...
Sounds like you're making all the right moves. Congratulations on your resolve and your open mindedness. I hope that you are an inspiration to those anons who haven't stuck to their guns.

Smoke

Hi Cheryl,
I just wanted to say that my mom kicked my dad out of the house when I was in the third grade because he was an alcoholic. She tried an intervention first and I cried my eyes out. However, I have to say, I am very very happy my mom left my dad. When they were married I didn't have a mom or dad. When my mom quit drinking and kicked my dad out I got a mom and a dad. I got a mom again because she was finally taking care of herself and I got a dad because when he was at home he never spent any time with us. Once he left, he had us wednesday nights and every other weekend, so that when he picked us up wednesday nights it was our night. we ate dinner together and saw movies etc.. I don't remember my dad before then. So, in terms of your kids, kicking an alcoholic out of the house is the best thing you can do for them.

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THANKS SO MUCH FOR SHARING!! MY HUSBAND CONFESSED LAST NIGHT THAT HE HAS BEEN DRINKING FOR 2 WEEKS NOW.....WHICH I HAD SUSPECTED BUT DIDN'T HAVE ANY PROOF AND WHEN ASKED HE REPLIED "NO!!"

HE WAS IN A TREATMENT CENTER FOR 30 DAYS ABOUT 90 DAYS AGO.

AND I TOLD MYSELF THAT IF HE DRANK AGAIN IT WAS OVER. HAVING 3 KIDS AND BEING TOGETHER FOR 11 YEARS, I LOST MYSELF AND JUST STARTED TO HEAL WHEN HE WAS IN THE TREATMENT CENTER.

IT WAS THE PEACE OF HIM BEING GONE, WHEN I REALIZED HOW CHOATIC I HAD LET ME LIFE BECOME.

BUT LAST NIGHT WAS UGLY. HE SAID A LOT OF TERRIBLE THINGS ABOUT ME AND MY FRIEND IF FRONT OF OUR OLDEST CHILD.... BUT I GUESS ITS THE ALCOHOLICS WAY TO PAY GAMES AND TO TURN THING AROUND TO MAKE OTHERS LOOK BAD!!

AGAIN, THANKS FOR THE SHARES....GOD KNOWS WHAT I NEED TO READ AND WHEN.... WHY DO I ALWAYS TRY THINGS MY WAY AND NOT HIS...????

JOYFUL HEART

Cheryl, re your comment about ultimatums....I do use them and I follow through - though I always find it easier to give an ultimatum than to follow through with it. A few times when an ultimatum was broken, I convinced myself the ultimatum wasn't clear (it was) and gave my AH a second chance - which more often than not, even with the second chance, he didn't get it right.

For years and years, I threatened to leave. I didn't really give ultimatums - but the times that I did as well as when I made my threats, I was not prepared to back them up. I guess I kept hoping that he would believe me. (I realize now how stupid that was)
Then for about the past 4 years, things slowly started becoming different. I started pointing out to him that I no longer cried, I cared a little less and less each time, I pointed out to him how I was giving him signs as well as words to show him that I really was not going to live my life like that forever.
In truth, he did get a little better. The binges were usually less severe and not as often. But it still continued.
When I finally did have enough - it seemed to be the rock bottom that he needed. Unfortunately, the damage had already been done and it was too late.

On a side note to that, for those of you that may give ultimatums and/or threats but not follow through.............we had attended marriage counseling about 10 years ago. During one of our sessions, the counselor asked my AH why he treated me the way he did. My AH's answer "because she let's me". I was floored, to say the least. However, I really didn't know how NOT to LET him. I also wasn't prepared to leave him and I loved him and held onto hope. But now that I look back on that - as those words have haunted me for years - I realize the truth was said 10 years ago. I guess I just didn't "get it".