Help- My boyfriend is in recovery but can't talk feelings or plan a future
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 2
Help- My boyfriend is in recovery but can't talk feelings or plan a future
Hi everyone,
I have been with my boyfriend for a year now. He was a year sober when I met him. So, 2 years sober now. I have no personal experience or prior knowledge about alcoholism or drug addiction. He told me after 20 minutes or so on our first date that he was in recovery. He is 47 and used drugs and alcohol since he was around 12. I love him and want us to move to the next step of living together.
We are both divorced. Im 36 and have kids. He does too but they are adults. Because of his addiction he lost pretty much everything and is starting new. He hsd to move a few hours away about 3 months ago to keep his job, which was being transferred. We do the long distance tjing and see esch other about every two weeks. I have a good career and am self sufficient. I have made it clear to him that I will not choose a man for his money. I only care that he can support himself, which he does although he struggles. We get along great and share the same interests. He is healthy physically but he struggles with anxiety and sadness at times. He is very open with me about his daily life and how's he's doing emotionally. He's an open book about his past and about how drugs have affected him. My family knows him and his past and have taken him in. I'm proud to have him as a partner and he's amazing.
Here are the problems, though: he says he thinks he loves me, but he's not sure about if what he feels is actually love and I have a hard time understanding that. He will completely avoid talking about our feelings for each other. He will listen to mine and be silent about his. He will not say I love you. I have been clear about what I want with him (living together and marrying him someday) and he will say he knows but be silent about it. He can't plan anything ahead of more than a couple weeks, so forget about a rough estimate of when maybe he can come back to our state and we can live together. He says,very negative things about himself such as he's no good, he has nothing to offer me, he cant learn anything anymore or focus on anything. He brushes off any compliment I make, or when I tell him really sweet things. He is selfish, and it's like he doesnt know how to, count me in for things some times, or count on me when he needs support. Finally, I have to tip toe around telling him delicate things like if I'm upset about something because he refuses to talk about it.
I need guidance as to if these problems are common, if I just need to be patient and give him time, how do I get some of I want from the relationship? I'm going to Al-Anon and it's helpful, but I can't jyst walk in and just ask all this.
Thank you!!!
I have been with my boyfriend for a year now. He was a year sober when I met him. So, 2 years sober now. I have no personal experience or prior knowledge about alcoholism or drug addiction. He told me after 20 minutes or so on our first date that he was in recovery. He is 47 and used drugs and alcohol since he was around 12. I love him and want us to move to the next step of living together.
We are both divorced. Im 36 and have kids. He does too but they are adults. Because of his addiction he lost pretty much everything and is starting new. He hsd to move a few hours away about 3 months ago to keep his job, which was being transferred. We do the long distance tjing and see esch other about every two weeks. I have a good career and am self sufficient. I have made it clear to him that I will not choose a man for his money. I only care that he can support himself, which he does although he struggles. We get along great and share the same interests. He is healthy physically but he struggles with anxiety and sadness at times. He is very open with me about his daily life and how's he's doing emotionally. He's an open book about his past and about how drugs have affected him. My family knows him and his past and have taken him in. I'm proud to have him as a partner and he's amazing.
Here are the problems, though: he says he thinks he loves me, but he's not sure about if what he feels is actually love and I have a hard time understanding that. He will completely avoid talking about our feelings for each other. He will listen to mine and be silent about his. He will not say I love you. I have been clear about what I want with him (living together and marrying him someday) and he will say he knows but be silent about it. He can't plan anything ahead of more than a couple weeks, so forget about a rough estimate of when maybe he can come back to our state and we can live together. He says,very negative things about himself such as he's no good, he has nothing to offer me, he cant learn anything anymore or focus on anything. He brushes off any compliment I make, or when I tell him really sweet things. He is selfish, and it's like he doesnt know how to, count me in for things some times, or count on me when he needs support. Finally, I have to tip toe around telling him delicate things like if I'm upset about something because he refuses to talk about it.
I need guidance as to if these problems are common, if I just need to be patient and give him time, how do I get some of I want from the relationship? I'm going to Al-Anon and it's helpful, but I can't jyst walk in and just ask all this.
Thank you!!!
Last edited by Maria19; 11-28-2016 at 10:04 PM. Reason: Clear time of sobriety and subject
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Maria,
Welcome to SR! I'm glad you are here, but so sorry for the reason why.
My observations over the years? Active alcoholism and early recovery are, by their nature, very selfish times. An active addict is often someone with a lack of maturity and a sense of entitlement. The self-seeking nature is also part of how the disease maintains itself.
Early recovery is also very selfish in that the recovering addict needs to put everything he or she has into their recovery. It is often a matter of life or death. Your boyfriend is probably very confused about who he really is and what he really wants. Now that he is working very hard and maintaining his sobriety, floods of memories and emotions that he used to numb with alcohol are coming back to roost--this is probably a very raw time for him.
Whether or not you stick around while he goes through all of this is entirely up to you. If it were me, I would not pressure him or, frankly, count on him for any kind of future or promises or guarantees until he has had at least 1 year of consistent sobriety. While he is working on himself, have you considered attending Al-Anon meetings and learning all you can about addiction? I have found that the more I learned, the better able I was to cope with the active addicts and relate to the recovering addicts in my life.
Welcome to SR! I'm glad you are here, but so sorry for the reason why.
My observations over the years? Active alcoholism and early recovery are, by their nature, very selfish times. An active addict is often someone with a lack of maturity and a sense of entitlement. The self-seeking nature is also part of how the disease maintains itself.
Early recovery is also very selfish in that the recovering addict needs to put everything he or she has into their recovery. It is often a matter of life or death. Your boyfriend is probably very confused about who he really is and what he really wants. Now that he is working very hard and maintaining his sobriety, floods of memories and emotions that he used to numb with alcohol are coming back to roost--this is probably a very raw time for him.
Whether or not you stick around while he goes through all of this is entirely up to you. If it were me, I would not pressure him or, frankly, count on him for any kind of future or promises or guarantees until he has had at least 1 year of consistent sobriety. While he is working on himself, have you considered attending Al-Anon meetings and learning all you can about addiction? I have found that the more I learned, the better able I was to cope with the active addicts and relate to the recovering addicts in my life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he has been open with you about his past, his drug use, his struggles and his recovery. and you believe him. so why can you not accept it when he also tells you he doesn't know how he feels or what he wants out of the relationship or the future OF the relationship?
he's still trying to get his life on track. that's a big order. i'm not sure if you have ever single handedly destroyed your own life and then had to rebuild out of the ashes, but it's tough work!!!! addiction is a beast and it's never far away. an addict is always and exactly ONE bad decision away from falling back into the morass of using. and he has a lot longer history WITH using than not.
quitting is the "easy" part - staying quit is a life time proposition. and life can seem pretty terrifying.
he is not ready to commit and he might not ever wish to take things further. he's doing the best he can right now.
might not be what you want to hear......but it is what it is. enjoy the time you have together, and more shall be revealed.
he's still trying to get his life on track. that's a big order. i'm not sure if you have ever single handedly destroyed your own life and then had to rebuild out of the ashes, but it's tough work!!!! addiction is a beast and it's never far away. an addict is always and exactly ONE bad decision away from falling back into the morass of using. and he has a lot longer history WITH using than not.
quitting is the "easy" part - staying quit is a life time proposition. and life can seem pretty terrifying.
he is not ready to commit and he might not ever wish to take things further. he's doing the best he can right now.
might not be what you want to hear......but it is what it is. enjoy the time you have together, and more shall be revealed.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Agree with Anvil. Nobody can tell you what he will be like in a year, or five. He can't tell you, either. So unless you can accept that uncertainty and appreciate the relationship you have right now for what it is, you're heading for a fall. And it's OK to want something more certain--it's just that he isn't in a position to give you that.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Maria...if you can't accept him for exactly as he is for now...and how he is now, doesn't feel enough for you...maybe this isn't the one for you......
You can't make a person into who you want them to be.....
You can't make a person into who you want them to be.....
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
In a way it's much better that he doesn't make empty promises. So many men out there would just say what you want to hear for an easy life and not even see a problem with that. At the moment he's not ready to commit. At the moment he doesn't know if he will ever be ready to commit. There's not much more he can add really. With his level of honesty though, I'd suspect that if he wasn't interested he'd be telling ya.
Difficult isn't it. Working a 12-step program with a sponsor will help though.
Difficult isn't it. Working a 12-step program with a sponsor will help though.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm glad you're going to Alanon, which saved my sanity. "I am powerless over people, places and thing......" Perhaps it's time to look at whether this relationship is what you want or need? He sounds unavailable.........
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Hi.
There was a post in another thread here about how men show love. I found that very helpful.
Yes, there are men who readily say the words, "I love you." without prompting. But there are many men who don't say it, even though they feel it.
How do you know someone loves you? By their actions. Words are nice,[ if they are truly sincere]. But words without actions doesn't mean much. So, look at his actions. By the way: that advice is given frequently in co-dependent circles: "Actions, not words" is the mantra.
My thinking is that one should not have to "pry" or "prompt" someone to tell them they love them. Say, you try to get him to say it and he does....but if he is saying it only to please you, doesn't that sort of take away from it? I guess I would question how genuine someone is when they say it because they think they have to....Just my thoughts.
Yes, be patient. He's not abusing you and it sounds like he is working on his recovery. Watch his actions. Best to you and hang in there.
There was a post in another thread here about how men show love. I found that very helpful.
Yes, there are men who readily say the words, "I love you." without prompting. But there are many men who don't say it, even though they feel it.
How do you know someone loves you? By their actions. Words are nice,[ if they are truly sincere]. But words without actions doesn't mean much. So, look at his actions. By the way: that advice is given frequently in co-dependent circles: "Actions, not words" is the mantra.
My thinking is that one should not have to "pry" or "prompt" someone to tell them they love them. Say, you try to get him to say it and he does....but if he is saying it only to please you, doesn't that sort of take away from it? I guess I would question how genuine someone is when they say it because they think they have to....Just my thoughts.
Yes, be patient. He's not abusing you and it sounds like he is working on his recovery. Watch his actions. Best to you and hang in there.
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