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Thinking ending things with my BF

Old 11-30-2016, 10:18 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
So, the answer is Yes? I think this explains A LOT Liz.

I also completely agree with Wisconsin:



I think you are exercising great awareness & have worked very hard at your program - you've come a MILLION miles.... it doesn't sound like this is all about what's happening on your side of the street so much as you figuring out how/where/when to draw new/different kinds of boundaries within this different relationship dynamic, and whether that's enough to make you happy, long-term.

(How long before you sit for your Series 7 test?.... that's so exciting!!)
Thanks! I'm working on that awareness, lol!

I sit for my 7 on December 21st and then for my series 66 in January and then I have to take my 6 for insurance licensing. Lots of work to still do and I'm so NOT ready but each day I try to absorb and learn more.
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Old 11-30-2016, 01:54 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
It isn't really all that shocking he is cautious with his expressions of love.

Perhaps moving in together so soon is where things went sideways but it is hard to go backwards on that and maintain the same relationship.

There is certainly nothing wrong with saying this isn't the relationship for you - no matter how nice he is. Being true to yourself is always the right thing to do - for both people. On the flip side, if you want to grow and solidify the relationship a bit of short term couples counseling would go a long way IMO. Between the family of origin and past relationships on both sides - that is a mine field of very complicated stuff.
I don't blame him for being shy to express himself. I'm sure he knows intuitively that I'm still fresh out of 20 years of dysfunctional marriage hell and he's wondering when things are going to change or if my personality defects are going to come into play more?

He does not understand recovery nor does he want to. He thinks that I shouldn't need program but I've tried to explain to him that it will be a lifelong journey for me. I don't think he'd agree to couples counseling but we've both discussed working through a book called 'His Needs, Her Needs" and other marriage/couples books so maybe he'd be open to that in the future?

As you mentioned: I need to be true to myself and to trust my intuition. As this thread moved on and I waffled, what I started to understand about myself is this: When things are good, I coast along and don't question our relationship or his commitment level or our future, I am in acceptance. Usually, it's at those times where he might have peeled back a layer of protection and maybe revealed a fear of his or a concern about his children or about how he was brought to getting teary eyed about something or whatever. It's those moments when I see his humanness, his brokenness, and I value the fact that he trusts me enough to share his pain or fears. I am an oversharer.......I will tell you everything about myself and don't hesitate to share while he is the exact opposite. So, when he and I aren't spending a lot of time talking or opening up, I feel slighted because I feel like I'm not getting all of him.

Now, when things are bad it's because I want more. I feel disconnected because he's distracted by the kids or other priorities or whatever or we're having discussions about money that I don't know how to address or deflect or respond to. I shut down out of fear (for various reasons) and I then start to question if we're even meant to be. So, basically, I want to run away instead of addressing the problem or confronting the issue. I'm better about it than I was in my marriage to XAH, but I still have a long way to go. I tiptoe around the issues, I hesitate before bringing stuff up, I work out a million ways things might unfold and deviate to to the worst case scenario and then decide it's best to throw in the towel.

What I might find from staying in this relationship is a chance for me to grow, to continue to work my program, and for me to practice actually setting boundaries that stick. My XAH used to walk all over my boundaries if I set them, but most times i didn't bother. With my new guy, he is more respectful of boundaries.......I just have to actually set them and make it clear by communicating. Again, something that isn't easy for me since I withdraw from conflict. This relationship might just be the perfect safe place for me to practice more self care?

Or, I could choose to leave and stay single for a while and there's nothing wrong with that either. But, if I ever get into another relationship, I'd still have to take me with me. And, I'd still have to address my needs, my expectations, desires, and work with another person's personality, find compatible ground regarding finances, etc etc.

There is no easy answer. I am going back to working my steps with my sponsor and will do a step 4 on this relationship when I get there. Things will work out as they are supposed to.
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Old 11-30-2016, 03:40 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
Things will work out as they are supposed to.
Yes I think that is true mostly because you are so very aware and willing to look at things from all angles. It might seem like a curse sometimes but there is a lot of strength there because you are so committed to your own self awareness and growth.

Look at all the things you've worked out just in the course of this thread. It's a great example of recovery work in motion.

Wishing you the best.
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Old 12-01-2016, 09:02 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
Yes I think that is true mostly because you are so very aware and willing to look at things from all angles. It might seem like a curse sometimes but there is a lot of strength there because you are so committed to your own self awareness and growth.

Look at all the things you've worked out just in the course of this thread. It's a great example of recovery work in motion.

Wishing you the best.
I'm laughing about how you said it seems like a curse......because that's exactly how it does feel.
I over use my program. I try to examine everything within an inch of it's life for fear that I'll make the same mistakes again even if I trust myself. I know that program works, I know my sponsor well enough to trust her guidance, but we all know that we are to discover our own answers while working a recovery program. Answers won't be handed to us on a silver platter.

And, work, to me, sometimes means pain. It means opening up the protective layers I've placed around my heart and my soul and that is often unpleasant but necessary.
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Old 12-02-2016, 04:45 AM
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Hi Liz...

Something I found out about myself these last few months...

I met a guy who has been through therapy for his own issues, and who still goes regularly because he feels he keeps growing. The conversations I've had with this man are incredible, because he's deeply committed to knowing himself. He fully understands things like SR and Alanon, even though he hasn't needed them in particular. My point here is that my interactions with him are on such a different level than most men I've met, and I realized that if the time comes that I'm in another relationship, for me, I need that to be part of it. He doesn't shy away from understanding and discussing emotional topics.

On my bucket list is someday having a romantic relationship where, emotionally, I'd be broken if he died. I'd survive, but feel like a deep part of me was taken...I think that's so beautiful, and I've never experienced it (in a healthy way). Not a codependent thing, not a financial or convenience thing, but because someone who knew me and supported me on that deepest level was gone. (Then I'd ask him to let me die first lol.) I'm not sure if I'm meant to experience it in this life, and I may not be ready yet, but I've decided I will accept nothing less in that department.

I am dating right now (my, how life changes), but it's interesting dating with the perspective that I'm not sure I want someone in my life every day just yet. It's also interesting to see that there are really tons of good men out there, who for whatever reason may not be a fit for me. That doesn't make them less good.

I don't think you should quiet that voice. In my experience, every time I've battled with that voice in my head, I've later learned I should have listened. There's something real here. Kudos to you for staying honest with yourself and thinking through things.
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Old 12-02-2016, 10:18 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Praying View Post
Hi Liz...

Something I found out about myself these last few months...

I met a guy who has been through therapy for his own issues, and who still goes regularly because he feels he keeps growing. The conversations I've had with this man are incredible, because he's deeply committed to knowing himself. He fully understands things like SR and Alanon, even though he hasn't needed them in particular. My point here is that my interactions with him are on such a different level than most men I've met, and I realized that if the time comes that I'm in another relationship, for me, I need that to be part of it. He doesn't shy away from understanding and discussing emotional topics.

On my bucket list is someday having a romantic relationship where, emotionally, I'd be broken if he died. I'd survive, but feel like a deep part of me was taken...I think that's so beautiful, and I've never experienced it (in a healthy way). Not a codependent thing, not a financial or convenience thing, but because someone who knew me and supported me on that deepest level was gone. (Then I'd ask him to let me die first lol.) I'm not sure if I'm meant to experience it in this life, and I may not be ready yet, but I've decided I will accept nothing less in that department.

I am dating right now (my, how life changes), but it's interesting dating with the perspective that I'm not sure I want someone in my life every day just yet. It's also interesting to see that there are really tons of good men out there, who for whatever reason may not be a fit for me. That doesn't make them less good.

I don't think you should quiet that voice. In my experience, every time I've battled with that voice in my head, I've later learned I should have listened. There's something real here. Kudos to you for staying honest with yourself and thinking through things.
Hey lady!! Good to hear from you AND that you are dipping your toes in the dating waters again!

You know, my bf loves to get into deep conversations about emotion and about my recovery, too. He just doesn't understand why I still need it, lol. But, he never makes fun of it or challenges me about it. It interests him in a way that I feel is quite supportive.

As a matter of fact, he will often probe me to get me to peel away my own layers like when I said I didn't like a movie because it made me feel too much. Well, he needed to know why and what is was about the movie that made me uncomfortable. It was a tragic romance movie, actually, and he really enjoyed it. Anyway, he saw the romance part and the true depth of the movie and felt it was inspiring. I was the one sitting there thinking, "Dear god, when is this going to end. We know he's going to die and she'll be heartbroken." Hmmmm, am I jaded just a bit? I wanted to let that movie into my heart and actually feel the message but I fought it off until he asked me to open up and talk.

So, the man is not a robot. He can connect with me emotionally and has let me cry on his shoulder and he gives excellent hugs. He himself, has offered me a part of his heart that I'm sure no one has seen when he tells me about his feelings regarding certain things/people/circumstances/etc.
He just doesn't verbally offer me his own feelings and assumes that I just know how he feels about me. Hence the disconnect and a chance for me to eventually get my needs met or not, depending on his comfort level with my requests.

But, as you said, I need to listen to my intuition. For now, I just need to get my intuition in line with itself and figure out if what I'm fearing is my own fears of commitment and emotional vulnerability or if it's hesitation about him specifically or our dynamic. Lots to learn but I'm getting there!

I will say that I need to own a lot of what's happening and a lot of it is that I don't speak up. Or, if I do, it's not done in an 'own your power' kind of way. I'm very accommodating. So, the problems and red flags I see may actually be on both sides of the street because if I'm not solid enough in my communication to him, then how can I blame him if I've buried my head in the sand and avoided the confrontation itself? I can make him into the bad guy here, just like I did my ex, but I am a part of this equation too, and sitting around meekly pretending that I'm OK and that everything is perfectly fine and that I'm in agreement with most everything isn't going to help. I have spoke up about a few things but I have to admit I'm conflict avoidant.

I'm not about to run away from this relationship until I give myself a chance to speak up, to confront in a kind way, to actually use the dang program tools I've learned all these years but seem stymied right now as to how to be effectively using them.
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Old 12-04-2016, 04:39 PM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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This:
He does not understand recovery nor does he want to. He thinks that I shouldn't need program but I've tried to explain to him that it will be a lifelong journey for me.

Then this:

You know, my bf loves to get into deep conversations about emotion and about my recovery, too. He just doesn't understand why I still need it, lol. But, he never makes fun of it or challenges me about it. It interests him in a way that I feel is quite supportive.

This:

I don't blame him for being shy to express himself.

Then this:

He can connect with me emotionally and has let me cry on his shoulder and he gives excellent hugs. He himself, has offered me a part of his heart that I'm sure no one has seen when he tells me about his feelings regarding certain things/people/circumstances/etc.

I realize you state that he doesn't express as much about the way he feels about you. My question is: What do you want? What would make you ok here? SO much contradictory in description of who this person is.

Generally, men are much more reserved about emotion. It sounds like he is quite comfortable with you about that.

Do you just need him to tell you he loves you more?
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