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Thinking ending things with my BF

Old 11-29-2016, 05:32 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Liz,
Hon your red flags are going up so believe them. He sounds like a great guy, smart in business, has a good job, makes money, good sex, good kids, but burned by his relationship, but so were you. Women are more emotional and always fall harder. That's ok, but you always need to protect you and your son at all costs.

You get that he wants you to save money and give up the car payment but that isnt what a responsible single mom does. You are not married. He talked you into going back to school school and bettering yourself, so he does want what's best for you. But at no cost of you losing your independence in case something happened. You should never love someone more then yourself.

So take the relationship for what it is. No one is getting married. Live together, enjoy his company, respect what he is offering but tell him you are ok. Respect that you are paying your way, because you r responsible and that's what independent people do. No free hand outs in life, plus then you respect yourself.

If you stop expecting things he can't give you then you are lowering your expectations. See where that will land in a few months. This is a marathon not a race my friend. Sending big hugs!!
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Old 11-29-2016, 06:46 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
aha!!!! kidding, but i'm glad you added part II here, because it's very important.

i think i told you before that my spidey senses went off any time you shared his suggestions on how you should X, Y, Z. i believe i went so far as to call it controlling and almost parental. and i took umbrage with anyone treating you like that!!!!

this Tesla thing sort of sums it up, in many ways. he has ideas for what he wants and how he thinks you should play along, for his benefit. i don't think he is quite as altruistic as you have claimed him to be. i find his Tesla moves manipulative and deceitful. insulting too!
I know, I saw those things too, and early on. The good has always outweighed the bad with him honestly. I've seen what's out there through my own eyes and through my friends' eyes who are still dating after years of just trying to meet a normal guy to just enjoy their company at dinner with or something. Honestly, my own sponsor has been dating for the past few years and she's the wisest, most self confident woman I know who has a great career and has been a single mom for 15 years now, has said that she feels that 95% of the men she meets are undateable in our age bracket. She just wants to find a guy to have dinner with once a week but she has met more married men looking to score, had one guy who she had great report with last month and he finally admitted to her that he likes to drink alone and ALOT and hoped it wouldn't be a problem for her (she's a double winner and has been sober for 20 years now), or they have severe emotional handicaps or mental health issues or can't get their sh*t together in one way or another.

I'm not afraid to be alone. I like my own company honestly but I think being in this relationship has helped me learn more about me and what I bring that is both unhealthy and healthy, as well.

So, about his controlling ways. I was telling my son a bit about the car issue and he retorts back to me, "Controlling? Yeah, mom, right, like you'd know nothing about that! You are SOOOO NOT controlling. hahahaha!"

Ok, kid, lesson learned. I parent people all the time and for years I didn't even know I did it, and I've done it to my bf, as well. Before we moved in together he told me I'd have to work at being less bossy and I told him he'd have to work at being less controlling. Go figure, we both knew what we were getting.

I know I do it to other people, too. And, I always want things done MY way and I will argue over why something needs to be done that way. I know I do it, I try to shut my mouth, but it's part of my own control issues, as well. I 'should' my sister constantly and I remember doing my stepwork and making amends to her for that, but I just did it to her last week! UGH!

So, it's definitely a place where the bf and I clash but I honestly think I'm more aware of my shortcoming when it comes to this than he is, probably because I have program behind me and some good program friends who tell me to knock it off.

As for the car, I will be honest as I was before. Not paying for the Tesla. That's on him. Unless we're married or pooling our finances in some way by then that's equitable or if he wants to put my name on the car. He was willing to put the Audi in my name because he knew I was uncomfortable with not having a car in my name but I just don't want to drive it. It's too old and I'll be worried every time I drive it if it's going to crap out on me or if I'll have to sink $1000 into it in 2 months time.

And, as for the emotional lack of expression from my bf. I already mentioned that I can live without flowers, roses, poems, and professions of everlasting love, lol. To me, I just want to know that we're on the same page or heading down the same path in where we are together. I just don't want either one of us to settle.

Ha, and after my complaining yesterday I was out Christmas shopping and he got home from golf and texted me, "Hi! Just got home. Phone died earlier. Where's my hot girlfriend?" I have a good man, I just have to keep working on me and setting boundaries. Practicing my program as I go.
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Old 11-29-2016, 06:52 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Well, that's definitely a giant waving red flag to me Liz. Mostly because it means he's not really hearing YOU when you talk about YOUR needs. Even those of us here at SR that know you as an avatar/username know that this car & this method of acquiring it are the exact opposite of everything you ever said you wanted following your last relationship.

And frankly - you can commit to a car in the year 2018 because it comes with warranties but you move me into your life/house/kid's world & can't EVER utter the words "I love you"?

(I hear what you all are saying about it not always being necessary to have a healthy relationship & while no one requires ongoing expressions of adulation, hearing it at least occasionally is pretty reasonable under these circumstances, no?.... they didn't just start dating 6 months ago...... and I'm not going to feel badly about myself because I DO want to hear it at least occasionally, when it's meant, from the person I'm in a committed relationship with....... )

So committing ME to YOUR car in 2018 is your way of showing that you're committed TO ME & in it for the long haul & that I matter??.... is that the takeaway?

It sounds like on the surface he's got it all together - job, car, house, kids, rebuilding life after divorce. But inside, when push comes to shove - he's still resorting to manipulation & avoidance? Is this pattern of behavior sounding familiar to anyone else?
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Old 11-29-2016, 08:51 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I am way more concerned about the "financial arrangements" here than his lack of saying he loves you. Some people don't say it easily but they show it

This situation is a LOSER for you financially. You are paying half a mortgage when he has 3 x the salary. Bills should be broken down percentage wise. If he is putting 30% of salary toward living expenses then you also should be which is not going to be as much as he is.

Additionally, he owns this house. In essence you are helping to pay off a mortgage and there is no return for you on down the road. I realize he owned this house before you, and no I do not think he owes you the equity in the home at the tie you moved in. What if you atayed with him for 10 years? You have not a leg to stand on as you aren't married in your equitable contribution into the relationship which is half of the total. Um, NO. This is not a fair distribution at all. If he were asking for a reduced rate similar to rent then I would think fair since you have no legal standing to equity on down the line.

As for the Tesla, and his perception that you will pay for half it. No. Lol. Is your name going in the Title? I doubt it. Audi that is 16 years old and you paying for the repairs? No. I recall he wanted you to sell your car and take the Audi. I owned an Audi. When they start having problems and get to that age they are equal to a boat in my opinion, a black hole of money.

It seems to me your BF wants the milk without buyin the cow. Perhaps he is just blind to it (doubt) but this is a much better financial deal for him than you. I would need to renegotiate this financially. He stated he never wants to marry. There are ways to move forward without marriage and protect each other financially., and be fair.

From the current standpoint I'm pretty disturbed by how he views how each of you should contribute.
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Old 11-29-2016, 09:31 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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He sees it as me paying for 1/2 being fair, since my son basically lives here full time with us and his girls are only here 50% of the time. He said if/when my son goes to college or moves out, I won't be paying as much. that was our initial agreement. We did not set a dollar amount but I recently said he'd have to knock $200 off my rent, he agreed.

We have talked about how to become domestic partners and have briefly talked about setting up POA for each other's accounts and he is willing to add me as a beneficiary on his trust along with his children. He is actually the one pushing me for a more 'together' commitment in the form of this domestic partnership. I am the one who probably looks a deer in the headlights when the subject comes up and he will ask me, "I need to know if you're ok with this. This is a joint thing and the decision has to be agreed upon by you." HAHA, all we were doing was setting up a joint checking account but I was balking at it for some stupid reason. It's just a checking account that will hold $100 in it to just prove that we live together and are combining forces in some way to save money on our car insurance.

He knows I'd have to rent no matter where I went and the rent I pay him is equal to what I'd pay for a 2 bedroom apartment here in town. So, as of right now, I'm willing to agree to this because I'm either helping him pay his mortgage or I'm helping someone else.

He wants me to get started in my career and has talked about me buying a house for myself that is solely in my name that I can rent out or.....move into if I decide to dump his ass (his words). He's fully aware that I am on the losing end of things and we have talked about how to work through things by setting up domestic partnership.

I do not want to get married. It's not just him. So, if he's getting the milk without buying the cow, then I'm to blame for that because I have no interest in marriage. He talks about the future and years down the road. I am the one who runs scared when we talk of anything past 6 months from now. To me, life is uncertain and nothing ever works out the way I wanted it to, so I fear the future and I choose to not go there. I work hard at just staying in today, planning for the future career wise and doing the next right thing. That's it.

I think I'm still trying to get over my 20 year dysfunctional marriage and the idea of being a man's 'wife' or partner beyond the bf/gf label scares the crap out of me. My XAH made the word wife become a curse word to me. I was his property. The institution of marriage has lost it's shiny appeal to me and, although I believe in it and I believe it is a firm foundation for raising children, I really have no desire to go there again.
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Old 11-29-2016, 09:42 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Liz, I know that you have yo-yoed on these issues A LOT since moving in with your BF. I know that you start to have (very real) concerns about your BF, and then he does or says something to make you feel good, and then you flip the issues around on yourself and seem to let him completely off the hook.

Here are my thoughts, which are worth nothing more than the figurative paper they are written on.

1. I'm with you on "I love you." I get that plenty of people do just fine in environments where they don't here it much or at all. I have a hard time imagining myself being OK with that, but we all have our different priorities and different things that matter to us in relationships, and I totally get that for many people it's just not that important. But it's not merely an issue of not hearing it much or at all. Your BF has essentially told you that he doesn't feel that for you yet. That is a whole different ballgame, and one that would also upset me terribly, given that you guys live together, you pay half his mortgage, and he has this apparent expectation that you will contribute to an expensive car without ever discussing it with you.

2. I know that you have expressed concerns in the past about your BF's feelings about your son. I totally understand being conflicted about that, and the whole thing being complicated by the fact that you feel so much guilt over not holding your son more accountable throughout his life (been there, done that, have the t-shirt). I think it is 100% fine for your BF to express his concerns to you. I think it is 100% fine for your BF to be involved in "parenting" your son to the extent you are comfortable and to the extent that it is not overwhelming to your son. But I very firmly believe that a step-parent's (or BF/GF of a parent) primary job is to support the parent, especially during the first year or two of a blended family. I think you were right to be unsettled by the forcefulness and controlling nature of your BF's attitudes about your son and his insistence that you make drastic changes to your parenting choices to accommodate HIS opinions about YOUR son, who he has honestly not known for very long and who is very nearly an adult. I think it may be easier to transition into a full parental step-parent role with younger kids, but with teens? It's much harder. I know your son needs more structure and more accountability than he has received in the past, but I'm not convinced the right approach is to do a complete 180 and turn into a team of drill sergeants. I can almost guarantee that such an approach will leave him resenting your BF, because he will (rightly) ascribe all the changes to your BF's different parenting strategy. Remember, also, that your BF has never parented a teen boy. He has never parented a child with special needs. I get that you need to change some of your own parenting choices, but that doesn't require a wholesale abandonment of how you've done things in the past in favor of how your BF thinks this should all be handled.

3. Oh, the car. And the finances. I feel you on that. I really, really do. I tend to agree that if you offered to pay half the mortgage when you moved in, well...it's not fair, but it is what it is. That said, I ABSOLUTELY believe you have every right to raise the issue with him again, now that you have all lived together for awhile. There are always growing pains, and various understandings develop over time as you share living space. I think you are very justified in reopening the issue with him, expressing your concerns, etc. This kind of stuff was a HUGE issue in my marriage to STBXAH, who made it very clear that he believed I had an obligation to pay half of everything even though I brought home so much less money than him. It is a horrible way to live. If you feel comfortable and safe bringing it up, though, I would do so.

But the car. The CAR. No. Absolutely no. I would NOT agree to participate in that financially. I would be very upset if someone made that decision on his own even if he planned to pay for it all himself! You don't build a life with someone, and combine households (even if finances remain separate), and do something like that.

My bottom line is that you have been having these doubts for the duration of the relationship. You might push them down temporarily in the wake of a great date, or a sweet text, but they always come back up. That says something to me. You work hard on your recovery. You have grown so much. Please don't dismiss your feelings as an indication that YOU are maladjusted. You have a right to your feelings, and they are perfectly legitimate feelings.

Love you, my friend. Good luck on your Series 7!
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Old 11-29-2016, 10:34 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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He sees it as me paying for 1/2 being fair, since my son basically lives here full time with us and his girls are only here 50% of the time. He said if/when my son goes to college or moves out, I won't be paying as much. that was our initial agreement. We did not set a dollar amount but I recently said he'd have to knock $200 off my rent, he agreed.

We have talked about how to become domestic partners and have briefly talked about setting up POA for each other's accounts and he is willing to add me as a beneficiary on his trust along with his children. He is actually the one pushing me for a more 'together' commitment in the form of this domestic partnership. I am the one who probably looks a deer in the headlights when the subject comes up and he will ask me, "I need to know if you're ok with this. This is a joint thing and the decision has to be agreed upon by you." HAHA, all we were doing was setting up a joint checking account but I was balking at it for some stupid reason. It's just a checking account that will hold $100 in it to just prove that we live together and are combining forces in some way to save money on our car insurance.

He knows I'd have to rent no matter where I went and the rent I pay him is equal to what I'd pay for a 2 bedroom apartment here in town. So, as of right now, I'm willing to agree to this because I'm either helping him pay his mortgage or I'm helping someone else.

He wants me to get started in my career and has talked about me buying a house for myself that is solely in my name that I can rent out or.....move into if I decide to dump his ass (his words). He's fully aware that I am on the losing end of things and we have talked about how to work through things by setting up domestic partnership.


man.......that is a lot of HE's. he said this and he knows that and he suggests this and he wants you to...........

HE has you paying 50% of a mortgage HE was paying all by himself before you moved in. now i get wanting to "pay your own way" and not just live there on his good graces, but that you still consider it "paying RENT" says a lot.

HE wanted to put on of his cars in your name.
HE wants to set up a DP and begin to comingle checking accounts.
HE wants you to buy a house.
HE wants you to get your career going.

notice that every one of those is financially driven.

be cautious, Liz.........please.
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Old 11-29-2016, 10:58 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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It's always interesting to me when people complain, then defend. No, it's not the same. As a single person what you do is your business. As a couple you are getting the screw. Sorry. No condemnation on choosing not to get married, but you have zero protections here.
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Old 11-29-2016, 11:30 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Yep, a lot of 'he' said up there and he thinks up there.
The house thing for myself was my idea and he was supporting it and often brings it up to encourage me to not give up on my dreams.
The job stuff I am completely grateful to him pushing me to get out of my admin job and to take a chance on myself. Yes, he was behind that. He motivated me and built me up and told me why he believed in and convinced me that I should take a chance on myself. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. And, if it doesn't work out, I can at least say I tried and took a chance on me plus I'll have my licensing and will be far more marketable for future jobs.

We are not commingling $$. He put $100 into an account for us to just be on the same account so that we can prove that we live together and have something in our name together. That's it. My money is in my account and I have no intention of turning that over to anybody.

As for the I love you stuff......it's not that he doesn't say it. He does. It's just not as often as I'd like to hear it. And, like Anvil, he tends to send me more loving messages when I'm traveling. I need to either accept this or move on. Still working on it, obviously.

I called it 'rent' because I have no idea what to actually call it. I pay for my share of living here, what else is it? And, every decision he (yes, he) makes about the house he runs past me. He gets my opinion on everything and has me meet with the landscapers or the tile people, etc and he pays for all the home improvements and has not asked me to contribute to these things even though I was a part of the final decision.
Yes, he's financially driven. And, yes, I need to really think about what I'm doing here but please know that I am not giving him control of my finances or my assets (what little I have left).

As for what Wisconsin said about my son. The bf has backed off on that after I had a sit down with him a few months ago. Told him to leave it be and that I'll listen to his opinions but that i know my son best and he needs to let it go. Actually, after speaking to my son's school recently and working on a few things with them and discussing it with the bf, the man is actually starting to comprehend what's going on and how my son's disabilities are actually unfolding. To date, he's been far more supportive and less vocal with his 'opinions' than he was in the beginning.

And, as Redatlanta said, I have no protections here. Hence, the reason I'm keeping my car and I've kept most of my furniture and he and I agreed to keep a lot of miscellaneous stuff boxed in the garage. If I were to leave today, I'd still have 80% of my furniture and stuff, mostly because he insisted I keep it just in case I changed my mind or decided to leave him.

I'm trying very hard to keep his kids out of my thinking. His 10 year old and I are very close to the point where she comes to me for advice, hugs me spontaneously in front of her friends, and is always a gracious young lady when I teach her to cook or bake or whatever. His 8 year old loves my son. She can't wait for him to be around so she can ask him to throw the football with her or play ping pong. Both the kids are super sweet and loving and I think it's a testament to the parents that they are so accepting and loving despite their parent's divorce.

I feel like I'm constantly balancing the good with the bad. On the good side, we truly have blended the kids well and everyone gets along. His girls respect me when I ask them to do things, my son respects him when he asks him to take out the trash or cut the grass, etc. The kids laugh and tease each other and get along really well.

I asked my son if he thought that my bf and I had a good relationship and if he was comfortable. He said he thought we were great and that we seem to be a loving couple and have fun together. He's a genuine kid and doesn't hide things from me well, so I take what he says at face value when he says he's comfortable and is adjusting well to our new lives together.

UGH....so frustrating, you know? I want to defend my choices and yet, I know insane it is. I want to accept things are knowing I can't change anybody or anything that is out of my control but yet, I still struggle with acceptance. And, i am so freaking leary of burying my head in the sand and that is causing me to be fearful of every decision I make because I still don't know how to trust myself or how to know if I'm being too needy or whatever.
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Old 11-29-2016, 11:39 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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so if tomorrow he said I Love You, Will You Marry Me, what then?

i agree with Red tho.....in the OP, you started saying you are thinking of ending it with the BF, then go on to pretty much DEFEND him to all as the cousin of the Second Coming.

what is REALLY going on Liz?
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Old 11-29-2016, 11:51 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Liz, I'm so glad to hear that your son is doing better, and just as importantly, that you feel comfortable with how that is all playing out. <3
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Old 11-29-2016, 12:10 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post

UGH....so frustrating, you know? I want to defend my choices and yet, I know insane it is. I want to accept things are knowing I can't change anybody or anything that is out of my control but yet, I still struggle with acceptance. And, i am so freaking leary of burying my head in the sand and that is causing me to be fearful of every decision I make because I still don't know how to trust myself or how to know if I'm being too needy or whatever.
Let me just suggest that most (if not all) of us in recovery struggle a lot with what I call overcorrection. We live so long in such an unhealthy, codependent emotional place that when we begin recovery and start to develop healthy habits, many of us overcorrect. We discount ALL our own feelings as irrational, or unreasonable, or codependent, or controlling. We go from one extreme to the other, trying to live a life of "acceptance" of anything and everything, regardless of whether we have a legitimate reason to be upset. We mistake "acceptance" for "not ever having an opinion." You can decide to accept something, and still walk away from it because it's not what you want in your life.

I understand the hypervigilance about your own reactions very, very well. I think it's good and important to be aware of your motives, and what might be going on beneath all of this. But sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Sometimes something makes you angry, and your anger is absolutely justified and healthy. I don't know where any of these things fall on that spectrum for you, but I do know that you have brought up these issues enough that it's obviously something that troubles you deeply. Like I said...you have come far enough in recovery that I think you do yourself a disservice to just write these feelings off as an unhealthy manifestation of your codependency.

If you decide to end this relationship, it doesn't mean your BF is a controlling jerk. It doesn't mean he's a bad person. It doesn't mean YOU'RE a bad person. Healthy, wonderful people fail at relationships all the time. Having issues with the way he approaches things doesn't mean you don't respect him, or that you don't love him. It doesn't mean you're being disloyal to him to come here for feedback. It just means you guys aren't on the same page on some important things. Nobody is necessarily right or wrong, and nobody needs to invest a bunch of time in assigning blame for a laundry list of problems. You make a list of things that are true deal breakers for you. You decide what you can accept, and what you can't. The fact is, when the vast majority of relationships end, there is plenty of "blame" to go around. I think as we get older, our list of "must haves" in a partner gets smaller and smaller as we really learn about ourselves and what truly matters. We become less interested in picking apart who did what to whom and who bears the blame, and more interested in just finding a place that feels right, and LIVING.

I don't know about you, but being married to an A left me *incredibly* conflict averse. Almost pathologically so. Perhaps that is one thing that might be playing a role here? You post about your concerns here, and then when other members express concerns about things your BF has done it feels like conflict directed at your home and you automatically put up your defenses and do everything you can to smooth over that conflict. Just something to think about.

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Old 11-29-2016, 12:17 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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I am super confused by this thread, but I remember him being very cute. Does he have an older brother?


Liz, you're okay. You'll figure all this out. Progress not perfection.
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Old 11-29-2016, 12:39 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Ok you have clarified some things.

What it sounds like to me.... Sounds like it can be addressed and should be able to be solved. The finances they need to be addressed. I don't really understand the thinking of "rental" payments for children. His are there 50% of the time, your son is there a little more. He has more than one child though and you have one. This to me seems to be splitting hairs in determining what is financially equitable. The whole "well I am paying less living here than I was" is not a substantive argument for you to pay equal to what he does when you make so much less. The mortgage stays the same no matter how many people live there. I might understand a financial difference in food but at the same time when you live together is it always to be down to the penny exact? Are you building a future together, or only a future together except financially? I so get each of you protecting your interests because you have been through a divorce. It really does not look fair, even close to fair to me.
As for the "I love you". You have a lot here that is really, really good. You may find someone who says I love you to the metric you feel warranted, that does not have the other pluses that this guy comes a long with.

I'm not sure that I perceive breaking this up would be warranted given that most of what you write about him is really good.

I'm confused I guess.
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Old 11-29-2016, 12:48 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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You know what, Liz, sometimes the "perfect" relationship comes along when we are not quite in a place to be ready for it. And that's okay.

When I was married the first time and that imploded, I remember insisting that I was "ready" for another relationship right away because my marriage had been dormant for so long. I had falsely equated feeling on my own in the marriage with actually being on my own.

It turned out there was a big difference. And I needed time on my own -- independent, unaccountable to a partner, and sure, sometimes lonely -- in order to really engage with recovery from the codependence and FOO issues that had been destroying my first marriage long before it actually fell apart. I needed to be on my own so I could really learn to be me -- in my case, for the first time, ever.

I met a couple of guys during those few years on my own and I'm sure that at least one of them would have been a fantastic match for me. But I just...wasn't done cooking yet, I suppose. I wasn't ready. And that was okay. I let those opportunities go.

By the time I met my now-husband, I was readier than ever to be in a healthy, committed relationship with another person, and in a way, that made him the right person, because it was the right time.

You might just need more time by yourself. It might be that in three years or so, the things you aren't comfortable with with this man now won't feel like such an issue. Or maybe they will. Or maybe he will be different by then, too. Or maybe it won't matter because he met someone else in the meantime. Or you will.

It's okay for you to give yourself permission to let this go, if that is what your gut is telling you. You don't have to settle for 90% of what you want, and you don't have to feel guilty about that either. Part of recovery is learning to listen to your instincts and act on them responsibly. You've got strength in spades, regardless of what you decide.
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Old 11-29-2016, 12:49 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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I will add this...it may or may not apply, here.....

some aspects between two people are "chemistry"...or, even spiritual....
It is either there...or, it isn't...
and, it can not be seen by the naked eye...and, it isn't represented on print outs or financial tabulations.....
It is hard to explain or even pin down...but, I believe that it exists...at least, it has for me....
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Old 11-29-2016, 01:12 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
I am super confused by this thread, but I remember him being very cute. Does he have an older brother?


Liz, you're okay. You'll figure all this out. Progress not perfection.
You had to go and point that out, didn't you? LOL!
Doesn't make it easier to point out his appearance because the man can barely touch me and I'm ready to hop in bed for a romp. Geez.

Yes, he has older brothers. All alcoholics. One sober. One waffling with sobriety here and there and another who's in complete denial. His older sister is 2 years sober after a serious stint in rehab. She and I met recently to talk about recovery and how my bf is in denial about the alcoholism in his family and how he refuses to see it as a disease, etc.

What SparkleKitty said really resonated with me. I was alone in my marriage and I thought I was emotionally ready to move on.

To answer what Redatlanta asked: what's really going on here? Well, to answer that: THE HELL IF I KNOW!

And, as Wisconsin said, we both might be really nice people, kind and considerate, and attractive, and responsible, etc....but that doesn't mean it's meant to be forever.

And, if he asked me to marry him, I'd say no. I'd ask to shelf the question to give me more time to figure out what it really is I want. And, therein is the problem. Until I learn how to communicate better, stick to boundaries, etc I can't see moving on into a marriage with anyone. I think he knows this intuitively and I wonder if that's why he's holding off emotionally. Who the hell knows what's going on in my head because I sure don't!

I believe he lives in financial fear of being taken advantage of by a woman. And, I live in fear of tying my rope to a sinking ship or to a buoy that just sits there and does nothing, never changing, and just bobbing along thinking everything's just fine. I believe we both have fear; it's just generated from a different place which might mean we're both emotionally unavailable in ways.

It's up to me to figure out how to confront, how to work through conflict, how to communicate without blame or manipulation or guilting someone, etc. I can do those things. He has called me out on it before and it's shameful to me that I use my XAH's tactics on my new man.

All lessons to be learned and as far as I know, God's giving me more time to work on them.
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Old 11-29-2016, 02:24 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
<snip>
Yes, he has older brothers. All alcoholics. One sober. One waffling with sobriety here and there and another who's in complete denial.


I'll pass on the alki sister, too.
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Old 11-29-2016, 02:25 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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He talks about the future and years down the road. I am the one who runs scared when we talk of anything past 6 months from now. To me, life is uncertain and nothing ever works out the way I wanted it to, so I fear the future and I choose to not go there.
It isn't really all that shocking he is cautious with his expressions of love.

Perhaps moving in together so soon is where things went sideways but it is hard to go backwards on that and maintain the same relationship.

There is certainly nothing wrong with saying this isn't the relationship for you - no matter how nice he is. Being true to yourself is always the right thing to do - for both people. On the flip side, if you want to grow and solidify the relationship a bit of short term couples counseling would go a long way IMO. Between the family of origin and past relationships on both sides - that is a mine field of very complicated stuff.
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Old 11-30-2016, 06:56 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
I've always wondered if your BF has unresolved/unrecovering Codie issues, or maybe is an ACoA? High-Functioning codie, lol?
Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
Yes, he has older brothers. All alcoholics. One sober. One waffling with sobriety here and there and another who's in complete denial. His older sister is 2 years sober after a serious stint in rehab. She and I met recently to talk about recovery and how my bf is in denial about the alcoholism in his family and how he refuses to see it as a disease, etc.

So, the answer is Yes? I think this explains A LOT Liz.

I also completely agree with Wisconsin:

Originally Posted by Wisconsin
I understand the hypervigilance about your own reactions very, very well. I think it's good and important to be aware of your motives, and what might be going on beneath all of this. But sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Sometimes something makes you angry, and your anger is absolutely justified and healthy. I don't know where any of these things fall on that spectrum for you, but I do know that you have brought up these issues enough that it's obviously something that troubles you deeply. Like I said...you have come far enough in recovery that I think you do yourself a disservice to just write these feelings off as an unhealthy manifestation of your codependency.
I think you are exercising great awareness & have worked very hard at your program - you've come a MILLION miles.... it doesn't sound like this is all about what's happening on your side of the street so much as you figuring out how/where/when to draw new/different kinds of boundaries within this different relationship dynamic, and whether that's enough to make you happy, long-term.

(How long before you sit for your Series 7 test?.... that's so exciting!!)
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