I Left
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 59
I Left
Hello everyone
I broke up with my Abf yesterday. We had been together about 16 months. His alcoholism became apparent in March. It was new territory for me as no one in my family or friend group is an addict as far as I am aware. So I wanted to be supportive. I was hopeful. He got into therapy. He did EMDR therapy for his PTSD. He started doing NA. He drank May 30 and I almost ended it then but I still had hope. We had a great summer together and the Fall. We had many frank discussions about everything. We were good communicators.
Then this past week something went wrong and he fell off the wagon pretty hard. I realized it Saturday night when I found the 3 bottles of whisky in his apartment. He was drunk as a skunk and it was pretty awful. I was dispassionate as I called his sister (a 10 year sober A) and told her that he was drinking but that I was not able to help as that would not be good for me. Then I went home. I was in bed crying, then I called a friend. While I was on the phone with the friend I heard him on my front steps. So I went downstairs and told him he needed to go home, that I could not have him here in a drunken state. So he left but he was angry and said he would walk into the road. His sister went to his place to make sure he was safe and took him home. That was good (for me) because then I knew he would not show up on my step again that night.
In the morning he called me and I cried and cried and said I don't deserve to live this kind of life. Mostly I just cried. Then he went to detox and called me from there. I asked him what he wanted me to say. He said he wishes he could go back and fix it and I said that is not possible. He said he just wants to be able to talk with me. I told him that I do not think he can be in relationship right now and the kindest thing is to end it. I told him I cannot be his girlfriend. That he deserves a good life and I believe he can do it, but it will be without me.
I will take his things to his sister's house this weekend. I do not want to see him as it will be so hard. I don't want to talk to him (but he can call me from detox). I don't hate him. I hate the disease. I didn't want it to end this way but I had to hit rock bottom to understand that I cannot be with a man who does not love himself enough to make his own life a priority, no matter how wonderful he is when sober.
I told my friends and family - partly so that I cannot renege on the breakup!
Part of me is relieved to no longer have to worry about him. I'm glad I figured it out before a wedding or children.
I am tentatively looking forward to dating anew in the new year. But first I will take care of my heart. *eyeroll* my mom wanted to set me up with her young doctor for a coffee date on Saturday morning. Too early!
I run. I am starting a new running clinic for a 30K run this week. I'm very glad I have that to throw myself into over the next few weeks.
I broke up with my Abf yesterday. We had been together about 16 months. His alcoholism became apparent in March. It was new territory for me as no one in my family or friend group is an addict as far as I am aware. So I wanted to be supportive. I was hopeful. He got into therapy. He did EMDR therapy for his PTSD. He started doing NA. He drank May 30 and I almost ended it then but I still had hope. We had a great summer together and the Fall. We had many frank discussions about everything. We were good communicators.
Then this past week something went wrong and he fell off the wagon pretty hard. I realized it Saturday night when I found the 3 bottles of whisky in his apartment. He was drunk as a skunk and it was pretty awful. I was dispassionate as I called his sister (a 10 year sober A) and told her that he was drinking but that I was not able to help as that would not be good for me. Then I went home. I was in bed crying, then I called a friend. While I was on the phone with the friend I heard him on my front steps. So I went downstairs and told him he needed to go home, that I could not have him here in a drunken state. So he left but he was angry and said he would walk into the road. His sister went to his place to make sure he was safe and took him home. That was good (for me) because then I knew he would not show up on my step again that night.
In the morning he called me and I cried and cried and said I don't deserve to live this kind of life. Mostly I just cried. Then he went to detox and called me from there. I asked him what he wanted me to say. He said he wishes he could go back and fix it and I said that is not possible. He said he just wants to be able to talk with me. I told him that I do not think he can be in relationship right now and the kindest thing is to end it. I told him I cannot be his girlfriend. That he deserves a good life and I believe he can do it, but it will be without me.
I will take his things to his sister's house this weekend. I do not want to see him as it will be so hard. I don't want to talk to him (but he can call me from detox). I don't hate him. I hate the disease. I didn't want it to end this way but I had to hit rock bottom to understand that I cannot be with a man who does not love himself enough to make his own life a priority, no matter how wonderful he is when sober.
I told my friends and family - partly so that I cannot renege on the breakup!
Part of me is relieved to no longer have to worry about him. I'm glad I figured it out before a wedding or children.
I am tentatively looking forward to dating anew in the new year. But first I will take care of my heart. *eyeroll* my mom wanted to set me up with her young doctor for a coffee date on Saturday morning. Too early!
I run. I am starting a new running clinic for a 30K run this week. I'm very glad I have that to throw myself into over the next few weeks.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by GreenEyes02 
I cannot be with a man who does not love himself enough to make his own life a priority, no matter how wonderful he is when sober.
I'm wishing you the best in this journey called life ......
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I'm so sorry that you had to make that decision but it sounds like you were looking out for what is best for you and that's so important.
Best of luck to you as you move forward with new awareness and an open heart to a love in the future!
Best of luck to you as you move forward with new awareness and an open heart to a love in the future!
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
I think that you have made the absolute best decision for the both of you. I hope others look to you for inspiration as a clean break is most often best. You can now move on with your life and he can decide which way he wants to go without expecting someone to be around to pick up the pieces. I commend you and wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
I'm sorry to hear of your struggle, I am going through the same. Almost exactly, especially the crying and disappointment I faced when he continued to fall off the wagon and try and get into my house drunk that way. I too came close so many times to almost ending it, but always left the light flickering in the chance that something would change. Well the only thing that has changed so far in the last year is that his disease has progressed and things have gotten worse. It's one thing if nothing has changed, but when it's changed for the worst, it's time to make a hard decision.
It's hard to look out for ourselves sometimes in matters of the heart. But as you said, if he doesn't respect his own life, how will he be able to respect yours? I am trying very hard to make my heart match my head and it is challenging indeed. I am happy to hear you have enlisted the support of friends to keep you on your "diet". Take a look at this and it may help you understand better what you had to do;
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-...-walk-away-dg/
Best of luck to you.
It's hard to look out for ourselves sometimes in matters of the heart. But as you said, if he doesn't respect his own life, how will he be able to respect yours? I am trying very hard to make my heart match my head and it is challenging indeed. I am happy to hear you have enlisted the support of friends to keep you on your "diet". Take a look at this and it may help you understand better what you had to do;
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-...-walk-away-dg/
Best of luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by Smarie78
I too came close so many times to almost ending it, but always left the light flickering in the chance that something would change. Well the only thing that has changed so far in the last year is that his disease has progressed and things have gotten worse. It's one thing if nothing has changed, but when it's changed for the worst, it's time to make a hard decision.
It's hard to look out for ourselves sometimes in matters of the heart. But as you said, if he doesn't respect his own life, how will he be able to respect yours? I am trying very hard to make my heart match my head and it is challenging indeed.
It's hard to look out for ourselves sometimes in matters of the heart. But as you said, if he doesn't respect his own life, how will he be able to respect yours? I am trying very hard to make my heart match my head and it is challenging indeed.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 59
Thanks all.
I really have to keep drumming it into my head that this is the best thing to do for me AND for him. When I catch myself off guard I feel badly for hurting him. But really HE is the one who hurt himself (and me). I have to remember that.
I don't regret the relationship. We had a blast, when it was good. And I learned a lot about myself.
Amidst the pain I feel relief...and hope for what is to come in my life.
I really have to keep drumming it into my head that this is the best thing to do for me AND for him. When I catch myself off guard I feel badly for hurting him. But really HE is the one who hurt himself (and me). I have to remember that.
I don't regret the relationship. We had a blast, when it was good. And I learned a lot about myself.
Amidst the pain I feel relief...and hope for what is to come in my life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: East Coast
Posts: 102
Originally Posted by GreenEyes02
I told him I cannot be his girlfriend. That he deserves a good life and I believe he can do it, but it will be without me.
I also recommend this (posted by Smarie
) http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...walk-away.htmlBravo to you. Stay strong and focus on your recovery (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I cannot be with a man who does not love himself enough to make his own life a priority, no matter how wonderful he is when sober.
Originally Posted by GreenEyes02
When I catch myself off guard I feel badly for hurting him. But really HE is the one who hurt himself (and me). I have to remember that.
Wishing you healing, and happiness soon to come!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
He said he just wants to be able to talk with me. I told him that I do not think he can be in relationship right now and the kindest thing is to end it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 59
I told everyone at work yesterday. They were sympathetic. I didn't go into too much detail (a few people know he is an A but not everyone - I just said he needs to work on some things and I cannot help him with it anymore). I did leave work early because his sister told me that he had unfortunately left detox and was at work. Not that I would ever expect him to do anything violent or destructive to me, but he did have a key to my house and I DID just break up with him...so out of an abundance of caution I went home. First I drove past his office to make sure his car was there (it was). Then I changed my alarm code.
My mom came to stay over last night. She tried to take me for some retail therapy but I just wasn't interested. Everything reminded me of my xAbf. I MUST be sad because she was offering to buy me clothes and I couldn't be bothered! Oh dear. Oh well we can go Boxing Day shopping in December.
xAbf texted this morning to say he gave my key to his sister. I texted back saying thanks and I will give his key and stuff to his sister as well. I said this wasn't how I wanted things to go but I will be ok and I hope he will be too.
Then he called. I took the call. I was weepy. He sounded sad but normal. It was very hard to hear his voice because of course I miss him and his voice. I reiterated that I couldn't do this anymore and that I believe he can have a happy relationship but he needs to be sober and figure his stuff out first and that the relationship cannot be with me because I have been hurt too often watching him hurt himself. I told him I hope he learns to love himself. He said he will. He said he just wanted to be able to tell me where he is at and I asked him what he is thinking and he said that he is figuring things out and knows he has to make a change. In my head I was thinking - yes, more words. Always words but not the action that is needed. I said I know I am no longer in a position to ask him to do anything but that I think he needs to DO the things that will help him and not just think about them. Thinking about them is only step 1. I said maybe a long time from now we can be friendly but maybe not as that is difficult for ex's. I said I hope to one day see his name on a book or play (he wants to write). I told him I had been happy and that I had loved him. I also told him please to not call me for a long time. But we live in the same neighbourhood so theoretically I could run into him.
I know I will find someone else but first I have to mourn the relationship I thought I had and the future I thought I had with him. Friends and family have been very helpful and encouraging. I am chock full with plans with family and friends over the next few weeks. Plus running clinic starts tonight. I really am excited to see who else I may meet in 2017.
When I start to waiver, it is really good for me to come on this site and read some stories from other people.
My mom came to stay over last night. She tried to take me for some retail therapy but I just wasn't interested. Everything reminded me of my xAbf. I MUST be sad because she was offering to buy me clothes and I couldn't be bothered! Oh dear. Oh well we can go Boxing Day shopping in December.
xAbf texted this morning to say he gave my key to his sister. I texted back saying thanks and I will give his key and stuff to his sister as well. I said this wasn't how I wanted things to go but I will be ok and I hope he will be too.
Then he called. I took the call. I was weepy. He sounded sad but normal. It was very hard to hear his voice because of course I miss him and his voice. I reiterated that I couldn't do this anymore and that I believe he can have a happy relationship but he needs to be sober and figure his stuff out first and that the relationship cannot be with me because I have been hurt too often watching him hurt himself. I told him I hope he learns to love himself. He said he will. He said he just wanted to be able to tell me where he is at and I asked him what he is thinking and he said that he is figuring things out and knows he has to make a change. In my head I was thinking - yes, more words. Always words but not the action that is needed. I said I know I am no longer in a position to ask him to do anything but that I think he needs to DO the things that will help him and not just think about them. Thinking about them is only step 1. I said maybe a long time from now we can be friendly but maybe not as that is difficult for ex's. I said I hope to one day see his name on a book or play (he wants to write). I told him I had been happy and that I had loved him. I also told him please to not call me for a long time. But we live in the same neighbourhood so theoretically I could run into him.
I know I will find someone else but first I have to mourn the relationship I thought I had and the future I thought I had with him. Friends and family have been very helpful and encouraging. I am chock full with plans with family and friends over the next few weeks. Plus running clinic starts tonight. I really am excited to see who else I may meet in 2017.
When I start to waiver, it is really good for me to come on this site and read some stories from other people.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
You have my utmost empathy as I too am in the exact same place. I know that leaving is necessary, but it doesn't make the heartbreak and the acceptance of shattered dreams any easier. Like you, I'm confident my A would never do anything, but I still use my deadbolt when I leave the house that he never had a key to. I'm struggling with accepting still, but know that there is no other way for he or I to heal. Especially because I am so angry inside at him. While he is making a change and getting to sober living (more out of necessity because he has no place to live), everything else feels like just words. Last time we spoke I blew up because I couldn't take another promise....texts are the same...I can't take another "please don't give up on us baby I love you!!!"...if I had a nickel for every time...
Proud of you for accepting. I want to be excited for meeting someone else next year too, but I am not. Just like your retail therapy, one day all the things we thought we wouldn't feel again, we will. Good on you for starting your clinic too! It's inspiring me to pick something up myself as a distraction and also of course, something I enjoy and can put my energy to. Imagine all the energy you put into your xabf. Now put it into yourself as you deserve
Please continue to utilize Alanon or therapy even as the relationship is in mourning. These things can leave quite a bit of scars and you want to make sure you are healthy and choosing a healthy partner next go around Much luck and love to you!
Proud of you for accepting. I want to be excited for meeting someone else next year too, but I am not. Just like your retail therapy, one day all the things we thought we wouldn't feel again, we will. Good on you for starting your clinic too! It's inspiring me to pick something up myself as a distraction and also of course, something I enjoy and can put my energy to. Imagine all the energy you put into your xabf. Now put it into yourself as you deserve
Please continue to utilize Alanon or therapy even as the relationship is in mourning. These things can leave quite a bit of scars and you want to make sure you are healthy and choosing a healthy partner next go around
Much luck and love to you!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Smarie, just a reminder, sober living will not tolerate his continuing to drink, either. So I think you need to prepare yourself for the possibility he may burn his bridges there, too, along with his family's tolerance and be looking to you to be the safety net again.
You need to gear up for that eventuality. I'm glad you're getting some breathing room right now, but use that time to shore up your defenses for the next assault.
You need to gear up for that eventuality. I'm glad you're getting some breathing room right now, but use that time to shore up your defenses for the next assault.
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by Smarie78
I couldn't take another promise....texts are the same...I can't take another "please don't give up on us baby I love you!!!"...if I had a nickel for every time...
Originally Posted by Smarie78
Good on you for starting your clinic too! It's inspiring me to pick something up myself as a distraction and also of course, something I enjoy and can put my energy to. Imagine all the energy you put into your xabf. Now put it into yourself as you deserve
So his parents just tried to follow me on Instagram. I immediately blocked them. I'm sorry about that - they must be sad as they liked me. I don't mind his sister and I being connected on social media (for the time being anyway) but it feels weird to have his parents follow me. Made me feel all weirded out. I'm sure they are mourning the relationship too.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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Posts: 869
Okay the fact that you JUST broke up and his parents JUST tried to follow you is a no-no. Good on you. I understand if they are sad too and want to stay in touch, but first thing to move on is to block or remove any mutual friends on social media. Just my opinion...thank God mine isn't on social media, just linkedIN. Dropped him from mine months ago while we were still very much together. Reason? Everytime I looked he had 10 new very attractive females who were suddenly his "connections". I will get a dumpy old man every now and then who may be a colleague or wanting to career network and he would give me the third degree.
Ugh...okay....this is helping! lol...
Yeah - social media is a no-no...hopefully you can cut his sister off soon as well, I know it is hard when you are breaking up because you are leaving the whole family.
Ugh...okay....this is helping! lol...
Yeah - social media is a no-no...hopefully you can cut his sister off soon as well, I know it is hard when you are breaking up because you are leaving the whole family.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by Smarie78
Okay the fact that you JUST broke up and his parents JUST tried to follow you is a no-no. Good on you. I understand if they are sad too and want to stay in touch, but first thing to move on is to block or remove any mutual friends on social media. Just my opinion...thank God mine isn't on social media, just linkedIN. Dropped him from mine months ago while we were still very much together. Reason? Everytime I looked he had 10 new very attractive females who were suddenly his "connections". I will get a dumpy old man every now and then who may be a colleague or wanting to career network and he would give me the third degree.
Ugh...okay....this is helping! lol...
Yeah - social media is a no-no...hopefully you can cut his sister off soon as well, I know it is hard when you are breaking up because you are leaving the whole family.
Ugh...okay....this is helping! lol...
Yeah - social media is a no-no...hopefully you can cut his sister off soon as well, I know it is hard when you are breaking up because you are leaving the whole family.
Edit to add - I just blocked her on IG. I figure she told me to do whatever I needed to do to move on - that she was cheering me on. So this is something I needed to do. She would understand.
Oh! I also deleted my text history with him. Because I don't want to be reading it back all wistfully. No. No. No. No.
The great thing is that I have had all kind of family and friends support. Friends I haven't talked to in awhile messaging me on IG and FB and offering support and to take me out/have tea/for me to visit them in their cities (one friend in particular lives in a large metropolitan area a few hours away so it would be fun to spend a day there). That really really helps!!
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 59
Well, it has been 1 week. I'm mostly writing this into the ether to help me sort my thoughts.
I am feeling very good - happy, not-anxious, looking forward to the future. On Saturday I dropped by his sister's place to give her his things and to get my (now useless since I changed my locks) key back. She asked if I wanted to come in for a coffee but I said no - I had to get to my parents' house an hour away. But also it felt a little awkward. I knew the longer I stood there the harder it would be to resist asking how he is doing. But for my own peace of mind I really just don't want to know, you know? I hope he is well, but I don't really need to know. Likely I will bump into him at some point and that will be weird enough.
So I went to my hometown. I had lunch with a friend and her husband and we gabbed a bit about it all, which was nice. Then I met my family for dinner, and my mom and I went shopping. It was all very good and I got an excellent night's sleep Saturday night which helped a lot (I had been out to 1am on Friday night doing dinner and karaoke with friends so I was quite sleepy on Saturday).
Sunday morning I did my 8km run along the lakefront. It was beautiful!! I love that running gives me so many endorphins. I was on a natural high all day and just happy. Happy and relieved and not stressing out about anything, including my xAbf. My family and I went out to brunch and then we decorated the Christmas tree. It was a great day all around.
Today I sent off a little card to xAbf's sister, with his apartment key in it (it was so similar to my parents' house key I needed to verify which one it was before giving it to her). In the card I wrote "I wish you all, but in particular [his name] happy, healthy and fulfilling lives. Sincerely [my name]" short and simple.
Oh! Ha ha I also signed up for a free drop in improv class tomorrow night. I was listening to CBC on the way home last night and they were interviewing people who had taken improv classes. It is something I have enjoyed going to see as an audience member and I just really enjoy laughing and joking around, so I think it will be fun. I do not intend to become a professional improv artist or anything If I like the free class maybe I will sign up for an 8 week class in January. It would be a confidence booster (I have never been comfortable being up on stage - except as part of a choir), help me with my tendency to get tongue-tied, I could meet new people, and hopefully just laugh a lot. I used to be very very self-conscious. In fact xAbf was, while not my first relationship, certainly my first very serious relationship, and that is one reason I am sure I didn't see some signs. I spent most of my life feeling very badly about my body and apologetic for the space I took up in a room. This changed when I decided I wanted to get fit and lose some weight (90lbs or so in the last 3 years). So...improv - something I NEVER would have done in the past, but is something that I feel comfortable trying now.
Incidentally, the mental/physical/emotional health improvements I have made for myself in the last few years are one reason I stuck with him for probably longer than I should have. For awhile there I thought - well, I had wished that someone would accept me at my (self perceived) "worst." But in the end they are also the reasons I left. I could not bear staying with someone who was not as invested in healthy living as I am. It was too painful to watch and in the long term I could tell that my health would deteriorate. My anxiety had certainly increased since his first drinking bouts.
I have also made an appointment with my therapist for next Monday to "de-brief" about this relationship. I hope that will be good.
I am feeling very good - happy, not-anxious, looking forward to the future. On Saturday I dropped by his sister's place to give her his things and to get my (now useless since I changed my locks) key back. She asked if I wanted to come in for a coffee but I said no - I had to get to my parents' house an hour away. But also it felt a little awkward. I knew the longer I stood there the harder it would be to resist asking how he is doing. But for my own peace of mind I really just don't want to know, you know? I hope he is well, but I don't really need to know. Likely I will bump into him at some point and that will be weird enough.
So I went to my hometown. I had lunch with a friend and her husband and we gabbed a bit about it all, which was nice. Then I met my family for dinner, and my mom and I went shopping. It was all very good and I got an excellent night's sleep Saturday night which helped a lot (I had been out to 1am on Friday night doing dinner and karaoke with friends so I was quite sleepy on Saturday).
Sunday morning I did my 8km run along the lakefront. It was beautiful!! I love that running gives me so many endorphins. I was on a natural high all day and just happy. Happy and relieved and not stressing out about anything, including my xAbf. My family and I went out to brunch and then we decorated the Christmas tree. It was a great day all around.
Today I sent off a little card to xAbf's sister, with his apartment key in it (it was so similar to my parents' house key I needed to verify which one it was before giving it to her). In the card I wrote "I wish you all, but in particular [his name] happy, healthy and fulfilling lives. Sincerely [my name]" short and simple.
Oh! Ha ha I also signed up for a free drop in improv class tomorrow night.
I was listening to CBC on the way home last night and they were interviewing people who had taken improv classes. It is something I have enjoyed going to see as an audience member and I just really enjoy laughing and joking around, so I think it will be fun. I do not intend to become a professional improv artist or anything If I like the free class maybe I will sign up for an 8 week class in January. It would be a confidence booster (I have never been comfortable being up on stage - except as part of a choir), help me with my tendency to get tongue-tied, I could meet new people, and hopefully just laugh a lot. I used to be very very self-conscious. In fact xAbf was, while not my first relationship, certainly my first very serious relationship, and that is one reason I am sure I didn't see some signs. I spent most of my life feeling very badly about my body and apologetic for the space I took up in a room. This changed when I decided I wanted to get fit and lose some weight (90lbs or so in the last 3 years). So...improv - something I NEVER would have done in the past, but is something that I feel comfortable trying now.Incidentally, the mental/physical/emotional health improvements I have made for myself in the last few years are one reason I stuck with him for probably longer than I should have. For awhile there I thought - well, I had wished that someone would accept me at my (self perceived) "worst." But in the end they are also the reasons I left. I could not bear staying with someone who was not as invested in healthy living as I am. It was too painful to watch and in the long term I could tell that my health would deteriorate. My anxiety had certainly increased since his first drinking bouts.
I have also made an appointment with my therapist for next Monday to "de-brief" about this relationship. I hope that will be good.
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Wow. You are amazing. This thread should be used as a how-to manual for a healthy breakup with an unhealthy relationship of any kind.
Bravo!
Bravo!
If nothing else though this relationship boosted my confidence in myself as a romantic partner. So...that's great and makes me believe I l will find love again. Hopefully next time with someone who loves themselves as much as they love me.
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