firebolt

Haha - yep, you are kind of a model recovering Codie!

Amazing, and SO inspiring - keep up the good work!!

GreenEyes02

So he texted yesterday. It has been 3 weeks since we broke up. I had mourned and was doing well. Really well. I HAD asked him not to call and he had agreed so I really wasn't expecting a text. At first it was ok and just asking how each other was doing. But then he started rambling about his abuse, and love, and God and the universe and ugh it is so exhausting. I have no desire to listen to that anymore. So I asked why he texted me and then said that while I want him to find connection and to be well, it is painful for me to talk to him. He asked why and I said bc he chose 3 bottles of whiskey over me and his own happiness and because I loved him and watched him hurt himself over and over. He projected and asked if it was bc he 'betrayed' me by drinking and that I realized he loved alcohol more than me and that now I feel worthless. That is laughable. I said it has nothing to do with me and I NEVER feel worthless.

He started to ramble again (he seemed drunk to me even if he said he is clean). I said ok be well I have to go. He said please do not shut me out, please talk to me. I said I am sorry I cannot. To which he replied "Goddamn it why not??" and I said because it is not good for me to speak with him anymore. He replied that I am weak. I said "actually I am strong" and told him goodbye and to be well. He retorted that I may be strong in "my world" but weak in his and that I could not last 5 min in his world (whatever the F that means...). I let him have the last word as I really do not gain anything from arguing with him. I screenshotted the whole conversation for my records and then blocked his number.

What strikes me is how quickly he turned on me. A few minutes before he was rhapsodizing about the love I "exude." But as soon as I expressed my needs and my boundary he lashed out. It only solidifies for me that I made the right choice. I am no longer his gf I have no need to listen to his thoughts. I will not be a sounding board for his rambling. It absolutely does not enhance my life. I can sympathize that he wants connection but I am no longer that person. If he really cared about me he would honour my wishes and not lash out at me. It is amazing to me that he thinks 3 weeks post break up we can be buddy buddy! But he is sick. He is sicker than I think he even realizes and he has a long road to recovery. I do hope for his sake that he gets there. But I won't be there to see it

Meanwhile I am loving life. Ran 10K in a snow storm today, looking forward to Christmas, making new friends, looking forward to my improv class, going to Christmas parties and I now have 4 big races to look forward to in the spring.

olow

I am beating this into my broken-hearted brain right now. They turn nasty VERY quickly. I need to remember this.
I wish that I had your strength.

GreenEyes02

Oh believe me. It rattled me. But I shared it with my friends. One of whom sent me a video of herself doing burpees to cheer me up. Then I shook it off and went out last night. But it was rattling around in my head during my run this morning and ot threatened to make me cry/lose my breath. Which only made me angry - his words should not affect my ability to run! One of the reasons I shared it here was to get it out of my head.

I am not weak. I AM a strong person. But I am not used to being spoken to in such a manner. So yeah, it rankled.

Nata1980

GreenEyes - good for you!

My XAH was quacking the other day about me being successful oh the outside but broken and weak inside - I asked him as to what is the evidence of that? And he replied that if I was stronger and more secure I would have forgiven him for picking drugs and alcohol over me and DS, as well as would have gotten over his cheating. And if I had a better personality, I would have had an affair myself (what a sad loser I am, really). Then he went on a tirade of how broken I am and how I will never find anyone.

M...kay, sure dude.

It really is interesting to watch them freak out when their old manipulative tricks are not working.

Ariesagain

Haste la vista, babeee.

(Keep on just the way you were...you owe him nothing and nothing will be gained by continuing to listen to that nonsense.)

AnvilheadII

Then he went on a tirade of how broken I am and how I will never find anyone.

usually that statement is modified to include "someone like ME again" to which we could all chime in with a big THANK GOD!

it's amazing how time and distance alter our perspective.

53500

It does rankle and none of us should be spoken to in that manner. I have a friend who used to do that to me often. I confronted him years ago, cut off all contact for a while and eventually we resumed our friendship (never a romance) and he is much better.

Now and then it still happens but I've learned to ignore texts that irritate me and I do mean ignore, 100%. Zero response until his tone changes. I know I'll never convince him to see it my way and while I'd like to hear "you are right" I accept that I won't hear it.

I cannot control what he believes but I sure can control my response to it.

And yes, you are a very strong person, very clear-headed and you are making great choices and rejecting crap talk and behavior.

GreenEyes02

Thank you everyone for your responses! I talk to my friends and family about it and they are awesome but for the most part they have little experience with addicts.

One friend thinks his behaviour may become unpredictable. He has never been violent to me but I changed the locks and my house alarm a few weeks back anyway. He lives in my neighbourhood. My mom asked what I would do if I came home and he was on my doorstep. I really do not know what I would do. Generally speaking I am not afraid of him, however people do sometimes become unpredictable when rejected + drinking. He did not threaten me, just tried to hurt me with his words because he did not get his way. Still...if he was on my doorstep I don't think I would want to walk up to him. I just keep going back to the fact that he is a pacifist. I kind of wish my friend and my mom had not said anything like that. But I understand that they are just looking out for me.

Ariesagain

I would not rely on his "pacifism" to keep you safe from this guy. If he's on your doorstep, you keep driving to the nearest police station. If he knocks on the door, you call 911. If he knows your running route, change it. You are saying "no" to an active alcoholic...that often brings out the worst.

Can you get a restraining order or whatever the equivalent is in your area? There are others here with better advice on that front...

Just be safe. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

GreenEyes02

If he shows up on my doorstep I will likely drive to police HQ, which is only 3 blocks from my house. If he threatens me or I start noticing him hanging around my property I will call the police. It seems like overkill sometimes but at the same time I knew a girl who opened her door to an ex bf (not an alcoholic as far as I know). He proceeded to stab her multiple times and she died. So while I don't want to think of my ex like that I am well aware that I cannot assume anything.

Exactly - I will be aware and have a plan and in the meantime hope for the best and keep living my life.

firebolt

Hang in there - still in awe of your strength and resolve!

GreenEyes02

Update - he called 5 times this morning. I thought I had blocked his number and I had, but apparently only on text. I declined the call each time. Every time I saw the number it racheted up my anxiety. I figured out how to block his number from calling me and did that. I texted his sister just so she knows what went on last week and today - as I want someone to be aware if he is going down the path of harming himself.

Clearly if he was in recovery he would understand the word NO but he does not. I think it is selfish of him to impose himself on me and on Christmas Eve. I can sympathize that he is maybe feeling sad but I am his EX gf so I cannot do anything about that. I would very much like him to leave me alone and focus on his own recovery.

Meanwhile I did a nice 12k run with my group this morning and was feeling awesome. I wish he hadn't called bc it rattled me. But I talked with friends and family about that and am feeling a bit better.

olow

Good that you are staying strong!!
They do not like NO, do they?

GreenEyes02

Apparently not! Amazing really. I have learned so much because of this relationship.

Eauchiche

Dear Greeneyes
I sincerely admire your strength. I really think you dodged a bullet here, as painful as this has been for you.
I'm sure you read other posts here. An awful lot of us take many years to leave. It is like having the Tar Baby stuck to you.

atalose

That was a great Christmas present to give yourself....blocking him from having the ability to contact you. 5 phone calls sounds like harassment and his lack of impulse control which means he's not really in recovery. Even more reason to block him.

GreenEyes02

I do read a lot of posts here. It helps to read them when I am feeling sorry for him. I feel sympathy for him but no longer wish for his presence in my life. I do not wish him harm, I don't hate him, I wish he was not an alcoholic. I wish he could see and feel his intrinsic worth. And also to leave me alone!! Lol.

I do also realize I dodged a major bullet. Thank goodness!!

GreenEyes02

Thank you for your insight. It helps so very much.

GreenEyes02

Hi all!

Thought I would update you. It has been about 3 months since I broke up with xAbf. It has been 2 months since I had any contact from him (the unanswered phone calls at Christmas).

I am doing so well. I am happy and life is really good. I have been taking improv classes since the beginning of January. I am a month out from running my 30K race. My weight loss/maintenance efforts are going well on the whole. I have been surrounded by love from family and friends.

I do not miss xAbf one iota. He thankfully has NOT shown up on my doorstep and even though he lives 3 blocks away has left me completely alone since Christmas Eve.

I tentatively started dating at the end of the year. It felt right to get back out there and just have a few little dates, nothing serious. That was fun. Not long ago I met a really great guy and was completely taken aback by how much we like each other. We are being reasonable and taking it a little slow - he knows about xAbf and that I broke up with him in the Fall. However so far so very good. He is incredibly kind, considerate, supportive, and responsible and reliable. He is funny and smart and very cute and we want the same things out of life. He is health and family oriented like me. It is early days yet but I am happy and I'm feeling hopeful again. I won't lie - part of the reason I stayed with xAbf was the fear of not knowing whether or not I would find someone else. Until I realized that staying with him was worse than being alone...I'd rather be alone and happy than in a miserable relationship.

I do come on here every once in awhile - I like reading the other stories and gleaning some wisdom from you folks.