Are there any men here w/AW?

Old 10-07-2004, 03:44 PM
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But I'm tryin....
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Are there any men here w/AW?

I just registered here, but have read a lot of the threads. It seems I am very outnumbered. Most of the threads seem to be about wives with AHs. I guess alcoholism is more lopsided towards men? I can almost reverse all the stories I read about AH's. But it still seems different. I have not been Married long. I want my Marriage to succeed! My Wife is finally getting the help she needed. I thought "I could fix her". I was wrong. And when she/we hit bottom, it was not a pretty scene. I just need somebody to talk to soooo bad. The things I saw my wife do when she was drunk I can not get out of my head. I CAN forgive it, and I *think* I have. But I cant forget. I wake up in sweats or crying. I start crying out of nowhere without any control over it. I don't know how to handle it any more. We aren't even living under the same roof because the thing that happened ended in me getting a restraining order against her. I have since tried to lift it (we ARE going to try and make this work!) but it can't be lifted now until she finishes out-patient, and anger management. So it really sucks! We can't really talk the way I would like. Going home to an empty house sucks, and an empty bed is worse, which is why I think I keep having so many nightmares. I am just so lost right now. I love this woman more than anything, and I am willing to forgive everything. But I don't know if I will ever trust her. But I WANT to. And I BELIEVE I can. But my nightmares tell me different. I cant even finish this right now, I am too upset to go into everything I wanted to. Maybe tomorrow.
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Old 10-07-2004, 03:55 PM
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JT
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Welcome to SR

It is not so different really but the fact is that more woman reach out for help than men. I don't think there are necessarily more male alcoholics. Woman find it more shameful and men probably walk sooner and try to "fix" less. If and when you find support in the form of a face to face group you will very likely find yourself outnumbered too but that shouldn't stop you.

Personally I applaud you not taking the easy way out. Violence is always the exception, tho. You cannot and should not ever live with violence. I think it is wise to wait until she gets the helps she obviously needs before you jump back in. Even if the cooling off has to be enforced. You are thinking with emotion right now and not reason. Right now you might be having nightmares but it seems to beat sleeping with one eye open.

Make yourself at home here and feel free to share. Where ever she is getting her help may be able to offer you some as well or lead you to it.

The light is always on at SR.
Hugs,
JT
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Old 10-08-2004, 06:00 AM
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Welcome to the forum. I am new here and don't have a lot of advice to give out yet, but I can tell you that in the short time I have been here, I have learned SO MUCH and been given some very powerful support. My only suggestion would be to find something enjoyable to occupy your time with and to take your mind off your wife until such a time as she can come home. Remember, it is good that she is away and getting help and having a cool-down time.

I wish you much luck. Keep reading here, I feel you'll learn a lot about alcoholism and how to deal with it.

I'm sorry you're going through such an awful time and I can tell by your post that you're really hurting. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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Old 10-08-2004, 06:02 AM
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Welcome, Can't -
There have been men posting in our forum. A lot of people come and go. I'm sure there are a lot of similarities between living with a male A and a female A. The same principals apply - take care of yourself, work on your issues and get the support you need.

Keep reading and posting. We all care about you and are glad you're here.
L
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Old 10-08-2004, 06:08 AM
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Hi CSC,

Thank God she's at least getting some help. You're road is going to be long and hard, but have faith, hang in there. There are alot of wise, experienced people here that are more than willing to help. I too feel for ya, and will be praying as well. You're not alone.

Karen..........
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Old 10-08-2004, 06:12 AM
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csc - you might want to check out some al-anon meetings to fill up the time you are spending alone. read some of the info on this site and know that you have found a wonderful place to share your feelings, spill your guts, whatever. we all truly support each other here!

good luck and hugs - cwohio
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Old 10-08-2004, 06:27 AM
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(((( can't stop crying))) I really feel for you. Go to the archives forum and read the Addictive Personality by Pernell Johnson. It's helped me understand so much more than I did. I'm still struggling with detachment and trying to think with my head and not my heart. I have to let go of my emotions and really try to understand what my A is going through so I can do the right thing for him and for myself. The right thing for him may be to let him go so he can find recovery... or not. It's not my choice. It's his.

We may be women but we know what you're going through. Please keep posting.
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Old 10-08-2004, 09:43 AM
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But I'm tryin....
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Thanks to everyone for all the support!
I know it will be a long road. And I just found out that the time she will be out of the house will run into a week longer than expected. I realize this is all for the better in the long run, but I feel we need to work on US, as much as she needs to work on her, and me on me.
On the bright side, she finally stopped blaming me for this all. She realized it was all her actions that forced me to get the restraining order in the first place.
She also broke the restraining order and was arrested for it. That was MY fault by the way. I asked her to meet me and talk, and the cop that took my report drove by us when we were sitting in my car, and had to enforce the order. ONE MORE THING to sweat now. We have no idea what the consequences of that are going to be, especially since she is on probation. Anyone have any idea how that might be handled by the courts???? I am hoping it will only mean an extra 6 months probation, since I feel to blame for that one. I don't know how it might effect things between us if she ends up doing jail time over that! The guilt by me, the resentment by her, the additional time apart..... I don't know if we will be able to handle that.
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Old 10-08-2004, 04:49 PM
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What ever happens happens. The most important thing is that you are both thinking a little straighter.

Now if you work on you and she works on herself...the WE will often fall into place.

JT
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Old 10-08-2004, 05:45 PM
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CSC I think its good that you didn't lift the restraining order. She is in the best possible place right now. She needs this help. Good for her for starting to be humble and take responsibility for her actions. That is a positive sign.
all the best
Diana
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