Leaving
 

I am still planning on filing in January but now the minimizing is starting. I have always started this cycle. Now its a little different he is having health issues. The precursor possibly to liver disease though his liver tests are fine. I feel like I'd be abandoning him even though in many ways he has abandoned me.

Hi there!

Yup, it still happens to me although we are divorced, and then XAH does something that confirms that I made a right decision.

When I first filed, I made a list of why I am divorcing him. It is actually terrifying. I still keep it handy now, almost a year after separation.

My second husband was hospitalized and almost died of liver failure. When he recovered enough to tolerate a biopsy, it turned out he had EARLY cirrhosis and would be fine if he stopped drinking. He went back to it, and somehow, 20 years later, he's still alive. No clue about his current health (which has to be abominable) but at least I don't have a front-row seat to the slow-motion train wreck of his life.

You can't possibly know the state of his liver. Some people never develop cirrhosis.

He's ALREADY abandoned you and the kids, in every way but physically moving out. He is abusive and dangerous to all of you. PLEASE don't file for divorce without a plan that includes working with a DV advocate.

hearthealth.....the idea of making a list of all the bad things in the relationship, and. reading it every time you feel weak in the knees, is a really good tried and true technique to avoid the minimizing. It has helped many a soul get through.

Keep your head in charge, right now. Your heart cannot be trusted about this...you are too vulnerable!

I feel like I'm in a fog this time. I know I won't live this way any longer but trying to feel (think) my way through it. Think you Lexie and everyone for your reminders. I don't think my close friends believe this time is different. I start wondering if I will back down but HP has given me almost daily reasons that this is not the way to live just exist. Then I feel if the marriage fails is the rest of my world going to collapse.

Hearthealth.....It doesn't matter what your close friends thing---what YOU think is what matters the most!
You are the one who lives inside your own skin.

Your world will NOT collapse.....quite the opposite!

Do you really think that you, alone, can keep a marriage from failing?
don't you realize that it takes two to make a marriage..?
The only part you have any control over is your part...you are helpless to control him......
It would be like trying to be on a sesaw with just one person...lol....

((((((hugs)))))). I too had so much ambivalence before leaving. Keep going and keep posting. We want to how you are doing. It helped me to call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline several times before I left. They were supportive. Before I left I had so much fear, anger, guilt, disappointment, regret, self- questioning.... Emotionally I am so much better now 6 months out.

I feel like I'd be abandoning him

it is amazing how often that exact statement is repeated here by loved ones. verbatim. we develop this mixed up belief system that the alcoholic cannot survive without us - we infantalize them in our minds, so when we think of leaving them, we think we are leaving small children.

the FACTS are we are not dealing with 3 year olds. these ADULTS are perfectly capable to taking care of themselves. and making their own decisions. they have perfected the art of using US to that end and will either find someone else to take over and figure it out for themselves.

we too will be just fine. we have been thinking and operating as a solo pilot for a very long time.......we lost our wingman long long ago.

[QUOTE=AnvilheadII;6224281][I]

...we too will be just fine. we have been thinking and operating as a solo pilot for a very long time.......we lost our wingman long long ago.[/QUOTE]

Great point! Thank you

Also, I am a huge minimizer and have major guilt, as if I'm also abandoning my AH. I'm working on it. Just know you aren't alone.