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Life doesn't have to be a daily struggle

Old 11-25-2016, 11:23 AM
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Life doesn't have to be a daily struggle

Hi everyone. It's been quite a while since I've been on here. I wanted to pop in and give an update, as well as encouragement to others. It's now been 9 months since I decided to divorce my STBXAH (yes, we're still officially marrried, but mostly because I want to stay on his insurance into early next year). He moved out in May.

I know I am luckier than a lot of others, as STBXAH is still very involved in our children's lives and I have a couple days each week without them, which has been essential to my healing...time for me to focus in on the things I need to be doing for myself. I've learned that it's okay to be selfish at times.

Life isn't perfect and it's been a rough road, but just recently, I've started realizing how different I feel now. I don't know any other way to describe it other than I have peace. I don't wake up everyday with anxiety right off the bat. On Fridays, I actually look forward to the weekend instead of dreading it. I'm not constantly overwhelmed. I'm now taking pride in myself and my home and accomplishing things that have been on my to-do list for 13 years. My hair is thicker due to not falling out. I actually sleep through the night. I could go on and on...

I thought this holiday season would be hard, but it was so nice having Thanksgiving yesterday without worrying about STBXAH drinking or just being in a foul mood. Even though he wasn't openly drinking the last couple years of our marriage, he was still a dry drunk. Holidays were always stressful with him because he would be bugging me to leave our family get togethers as soon as possible or he'd be sitting off by himself on his damn phone.

I definitely have a long ways to go, but life is now what I always wanted it to be: simple. I can focus on my kids, myself, and my career. I no longer live life walking on eggshells or waiting for the next chaotic incident to occur.

For those you out there who are struggling or terrified to take the plunge and leave your alcoholic, just know, it can be done and you will amaze yourself with your own strength.
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Old 11-25-2016, 11:40 AM
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For those you out there who are struggling or terrified to take the plunge and leave your alcoholic, just know, it can be done and you will amaze yourself with your own strength.
Thank you for your post. If I dream about my life, that is how I would like to envision the new life.

Last edited by DesertEyes; 11-25-2016 at 01:01 PM. Reason: Fixed broken quote.
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Old 11-25-2016, 11:48 AM
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jada...thank you for taking time to make this post!!
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Old 11-25-2016, 11:48 AM
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hi Jada! Welcome back - thank you for taking the time to give us an update. you sound good!

I definitely have a long ways to go, but life is now what I always wanted it to be: simple. I can focus on my kids, myself, and my career. I no longer live life walking on eggshells or waiting for the next chaotic incident to occur.

beautiful words.
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Old 11-25-2016, 12:01 PM
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What a terrific update! Thanks so much for taking the time to post it. I think when we are in the MIDST of the chaos it seems absolutely impossible to imagine that life could be so different if we just take the difficult steps to claim it for ourselves. The rewards can be immeasurable.

So glad to hear you're enjoying life again!
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Old 11-25-2016, 12:18 PM
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Thanks so much for sharing. I am glad your Thanksgiving was good. First year without mine in a while and it was really nice and relaxing. I am starting to see that there is peace in multitudes without living with my xa as well.

This really resonated with me today.

Moving in towards Christmas!!
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Old 11-25-2016, 01:07 PM
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Just curious if the soon to be ex got help and is in recovery?
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Old 11-25-2016, 02:26 PM
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Thanks for writing that. I hope to be saying the same things in 9 months.
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Old 11-25-2016, 06:11 PM
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Originally Posted by TobeC View Post
Just curious if the soon to be ex got help and is in recovery?
No, unfortunately, once we separated, STBXAH convinced himself that I was the one causing the drinking issues. He has an ignition interlock device on his car until next March. I know he's not attending al anon and I know he does drink. I'm sure once he gets the device off his car, he will be drinking more.

I really don't care what he does anymore, as long as he doesn't drink around the kids, which he is to refrain from.
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Old 11-25-2016, 06:29 PM
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Thanks for the update, Jada. I'm in a similar boat, separated for a year, in the process of finalizing our divorce agreement, and thriving on the newfound peace my children and I are experiencing.

BTW despite all evidence to the contrary, my husband seems to have convinced himself that he doesn't have a problem with alcohol, also. Thus I think maybe us giving up on them is a step on their road to recovery, too. At some point they will wake up and realize they are sick and we're not there to blame anymore. Or not; how freeing it is to leave them to their own journey rather than continuing to ride the rollercoaster. Thanks for the update.
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Old 11-25-2016, 07:46 PM
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Thank you for this post.
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Old 11-25-2016, 07:50 PM
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Originally Posted by sauerkraut View Post
Thus I think maybe us giving up on them is a step on their road to recovery, too. At some point they will wake up and realize they are sick and we're not there to blame anymore. Or not; how freeing it is to leave them to their own journey rather than continuing to ride the rollercoaster.
That's exactly what happened with me. I left my last ex for non-alcohol related reasons (I was the alcoholic, not him), and I assumed that leaving the stress of that relationship would allow me to get my drinking under control. It took me another two and a half years for it to sink in that *I* was the problem with my life, and the drinking was all on me, nobody else.
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Old 11-27-2016, 07:49 PM
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Thank you for the reminder. Sometimes you forget how easy life can be, but sometimes the heart gets in the way and becomes willing to take a beating.
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Old 11-27-2016, 08:42 PM
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Thanks Jada. Lovely to hear from you.
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Old 11-28-2016, 08:34 AM
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Thank you for this post!!!
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