jjnorris

So, I have found out my AH, although still not drinking has been buying and using pot. He was in a terrible mood last week, irritated, shirt-tempered and generally difficult to be around. Then, poof...all better. Happy, friendly, complete personality 180. Now I know why, he is back to smoking weed. And he lied. I told him I did not want this and would not accept him swapping one substance for another. Now that I am faced with him actually doing it, I am lost. I have not told him I know, partly because I have been at work last few days and have not actually seen him and partly because I don't know where to go from here. Do I walk? Do I upend my daughter's life in the middle of the holidays? Do I ignore it (not in me to do this)? The smoking is one problem, lying another, and the one that really has me messed up is the rapid mood change. It is highlighting the likelihood that he will only be happy if he is taking something. I am at work, trying (and failing) to fight back the tears. I don't want this to be my life. I want him sober and healthy, I want us to be the couple werected. I want my daughter to have her family. I know I can't have all three, at least it seems I will not get all three. So very sad today

AnvilheadII

I told him I did not want this and would not accept him swapping one substance for another. Now that I am faced with him actually doing it, I am lost

this is why we need to be clear within ourselves regarding our boundaries and/or ultimatums. now you have to decide if you are going to stand behind your statement, or let him violate your boundary and do nothing. i don't think you are "lost" - you are just now faced with some tough decisions.

I don't want this to be my life. IT IS.

I want him sober and healthy, I want us to be the couple werected. Those are not the choices HE is making.

I want my daughter to have her family. make sure you aren't projecting your own wants/needs onto your daughter. how old is she? children survive parental breakups all the time.....and sounds like the family unit has been suffering with HIS addictions for some time.

NewRomanMan

Do what you need to do. Anvilhead is right on. And you won't be upending your daughter's life. On the contrary. You will be teaching her a valuable lesson about following thru on boundary issues and that certain behaviors cannot be tolerated. You have every right to ask your husband to get help or you're out the door. It's not unreasonable, nor it is the end of the world if you do walk. In fact, it may be just what he needs to motivate him to think long and hard about his choices. I wish you well.

dandylion

jjnorris....without a program like AA...worked diligently and as his first priority...long term sobriety is extremely unlikely.
living in a peaceful environment with one parent is less damaging than living in an alcoholic home...even for very young children.
I see the Christmas issue as a red herring....in four weeks from today..it will be over, anyway. Christmas can be made exciting for children, regardless of where they are.
Yes, you have to get clear on your boundaries. You don't sound, to me, like you are there, yet.
You don't have to make any decision, today. (short of abuse).
I am not hearing that you are into any program of your o wn, yet.
You can take the time to learn more about this disease and to gain more clarity and confidence, within yourself.
I hope you are plowing your way through the stickies at the top of the main page...especially the one called "classic reading". Reading the literature..like, "Co-Dependent No More".
Seeing your own personal counselor.
Never make a boundary that you won't or can't enforce.
It sounds like you made a boundary that you weren't ready to enforce, yet...?
(Keep in mind that you can change a boundary, at any time, as it fits your own welfare...Boundarys are by you and for you. (they are not rules that you make for somebody else to live by).

It is a bitter pill, but...it is sometimes necessary to accept the reality that the dream of the Normal Rockwell family, with the white picket fence and the cat in the window is inconsistent with alcoholism in the mix.
That acceptance is hard...and requires some period of grieving and lots of tears. That is just the reality of it.
Reality can be really tough...but, when we don't live in reality...there is hell to pay, in the end.

The next right thing for you to do...may be to focus on your own program to get yourself ready to face your future.....

honeypig

jj, I posted in another thread about hearing a woman on the radio talk about how yes, the holidays are difficult as a divorced parent, but what she focuses on is making new traditions and different ways of having Thanksgiving or Christmas. She said she wanted her kids to know WHEN, not IF, they had to start over in life, that it is possible to do so.

I think that resilience and self-respect are pretty important lessons for your daughter to learn. And WHEN, not IF, she herself will have to start over in life, she also will know that it's possible.

dandylion

honeypig...I think you may be saying that this is a "teachable moment"...?

honeypig

That's certainly what I got from listening to the Radio Lady, dandy--life is NEVER going to go as expected, we will ALWAYS have problems and setbacks and heartbreaks. It's crazy to think that those times when life is not running smoothly are the aberrations; they are THE NORM!!! And for us to not learn the skills to cope w/those times is part of what keeps us stuck tight in fear and despair.

If we're going to walk thru this world, we're going to stub our toes, we're going to stumble, we're going to fall flat on our faces. Learning how to get back up and start fresh is tremendously important.

Somebody should write a book about this! Oh, wait, I think they did--that might have been "Rising Strong" by Brene Brown....

AnvilheadII

starting over, reinventing oneself or simply the Next Indicated Thing.
life moves on.
whether we "like" it or not. we don't get a vote.
but we ALWAYS have a choice in how we will respond.

It IS what it IS..........isn't it?