OT lied to by narcisist dad
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
OT lied to by narcisist dad
These past few days have been awful and I´m sensing there are many similarities in the dynamics with my father and xabf, though the former isn´t an alcoholic. Now that I´m no longer in contact with xabf I´m trying to un-learn the reactions that got me in this relationship in the first place but I don´t really know how to do that! Yesterday I had an unsettling experience with my father who has always pushed me into the background as he is a total narcisist.
The thing is, he has been living abroad for years so I tend to forget what he´s like in real life. At the moment he´s visiting here for a few weeks and I was very happy because we were having a concert with the choir I´ve been singing with for years now and that he has never had the chance to see. I had this idea of inviting him and that he would be so impressed by our performance and proud of me. But what happened just completely shattered me! Though I had invited him to the concert a long time before, he made other plans with some acquaintances. When I asked him about it he said he had forgotten about the concert but that he would arrange things so that he could go anyway.
I believed him.
But then, he did this: go to the concert and be sure I´d see him, tell me he´d have to rush as soon as we were finished with our last song, but then just rush out long before it all began, long before the sound tests, even.
I only found out because I asked him to take care of my bag while I was on stage and to give it back to me afterwards. So then he began to call my mom over and over (they´re divorced), telling her to get over there asap because he had my bag and he had to get away.
I found out about this when I met my mom right after I got off stage and she gave me my bag and told me about my father´s weird behavior. She was shocked, and I´ve been so hurt and upset all day that I bumped into another car this afternoon (luckily the guy driving it was very understanding and kind, but still. I´m feeling like s**t about that). When I think about this, it doesn´t really come as a surprise that my own father doesn´t give a sh** about hurting me and putting himself first all the time, he has done it all the time while I was growing up. I´m thankful that my mom is a normal person, at least I had one good parent! But I guess I still had that hope that he would somehow SEE me, you know? That when I was on stage he would have to.
I decided not to confront him because I know I would only end up more hurt. He would turn things around and never acknowledge that what he did was low and dishonest. But when I saw him today he just acted like nothing had happened, never mentioned the concert. It was as if it had never existed. I´m so angry and hurt and just frustrated! Today I felt like hiding inside a shell, as if I were a snail.
What can I do to move on, and how do I deal with my father? I know now that I´m completely invisible to him and always will be, it is a lot to deal with.
The thing is, he has been living abroad for years so I tend to forget what he´s like in real life. At the moment he´s visiting here for a few weeks and I was very happy because we were having a concert with the choir I´ve been singing with for years now and that he has never had the chance to see. I had this idea of inviting him and that he would be so impressed by our performance and proud of me. But what happened just completely shattered me! Though I had invited him to the concert a long time before, he made other plans with some acquaintances. When I asked him about it he said he had forgotten about the concert but that he would arrange things so that he could go anyway.
I believed him.
But then, he did this: go to the concert and be sure I´d see him, tell me he´d have to rush as soon as we were finished with our last song, but then just rush out long before it all began, long before the sound tests, even.
I only found out because I asked him to take care of my bag while I was on stage and to give it back to me afterwards. So then he began to call my mom over and over (they´re divorced), telling her to get over there asap because he had my bag and he had to get away.
I found out about this when I met my mom right after I got off stage and she gave me my bag and told me about my father´s weird behavior. She was shocked, and I´ve been so hurt and upset all day that I bumped into another car this afternoon (luckily the guy driving it was very understanding and kind, but still. I´m feeling like s**t about that). When I think about this, it doesn´t really come as a surprise that my own father doesn´t give a sh** about hurting me and putting himself first all the time, he has done it all the time while I was growing up. I´m thankful that my mom is a normal person, at least I had one good parent! But I guess I still had that hope that he would somehow SEE me, you know? That when I was on stage he would have to.
I decided not to confront him because I know I would only end up more hurt. He would turn things around and never acknowledge that what he did was low and dishonest. But when I saw him today he just acted like nothing had happened, never mentioned the concert. It was as if it had never existed. I´m so angry and hurt and just frustrated! Today I felt like hiding inside a shell, as if I were a snail.
What can I do to move on, and how do I deal with my father? I know now that I´m completely invisible to him and always will be, it is a lot to deal with.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,626
BL-thanks for the share. Is there any point in raising this with your dad? Would you get any peace or would he change? If it were me- keep sharing, go to meetings and talk about these feelings you have with a counsellor- may help with healing yourself. You can change how you feel- but have no control over anything your dad does. Crap and sucks. Thoughts and prayers to you, PJ.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Welcome back, bluelily. I am sorry for your sadness today. Sounds like you got a wake-up call regarding your dad's self-centeredness. It's a hard thing when we recognize that the parents we want aren't always the parents we have. But...I try to take it as a way "not to be." If you know what I mean? Sometimes our parents are good examples of how not to live our lives. Peace.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
The first step is accepting that your dad is exactly who he is, rather than the person you wish he was. When you can begin to do that, you will begin to relieve yourself of the burden of taking his actions personally. His behavior is only a reflection of him, not your worth. Big hugs, this is tough stuff.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
Thanks everyone for your comments, I had written individual replies but they somehow got lost in cyberspace, so frustrating! In sum, what I was saying is that I´ve been noticing many similarities between relating to an alcoholic and a narcissist, and I can clearly imagine what it would be like to have an alcoholic parent.
My immediate reaction would be to talk things out but with him it´s completely imposible because he doesn´t accept anything that remotely resembles criticsm, so if I were to address this situation he would become very aggressive and I´d end up feeling much worse. Also, it´s like my feelings don´t exist, he constantly diminishes them and tells my why I shouldn´t feel the way I do (this is something xabf used to do constantly as well, he had no empathy whatsoever). It has taken me a long time, after becoming an adult, to learn to take myself and my feelings seriously.
When I was growing up I coped with these situations thinking that there was some kind of evil something manipulating my father to behave like a jerk, but that this wasn´t really him, that he was just to weak to confront it. So then I used to feel sorry for him, and I ended up feeling guilty that I was secretly resentful and angry at him. I see now that this was a no-win situation for me. Some years ago, when I was visiting him with my kids, I suddenly realized that he wasn´t a poor victim of his fate, but just a selfish and grumpy old man. That he chose to be self-centered. It took me a long time to see things like that, and I tend to go back to my old thinking. At some point I had a similar revelation with axbf: he drinks because that´s his choice. There is nothing I can do about it, except to take a different road and not get involved in all the madness.
Anyway, it helps a lot to have a place to come to and write it all out. I know that all of you understand and I´m very thankful for your comments because they make me feel like I´m not exaggerating. Now I suppose it´s just a matter of detaching emotionally, which is of course much harder to do with a parent than with a romantic relationship.
Thanks again!
My immediate reaction would be to talk things out but with him it´s completely imposible because he doesn´t accept anything that remotely resembles criticsm, so if I were to address this situation he would become very aggressive and I´d end up feeling much worse. Also, it´s like my feelings don´t exist, he constantly diminishes them and tells my why I shouldn´t feel the way I do (this is something xabf used to do constantly as well, he had no empathy whatsoever). It has taken me a long time, after becoming an adult, to learn to take myself and my feelings seriously.
When I was growing up I coped with these situations thinking that there was some kind of evil something manipulating my father to behave like a jerk, but that this wasn´t really him, that he was just to weak to confront it. So then I used to feel sorry for him, and I ended up feeling guilty that I was secretly resentful and angry at him. I see now that this was a no-win situation for me. Some years ago, when I was visiting him with my kids, I suddenly realized that he wasn´t a poor victim of his fate, but just a selfish and grumpy old man. That he chose to be self-centered. It took me a long time to see things like that, and I tend to go back to my old thinking. At some point I had a similar revelation with axbf: he drinks because that´s his choice. There is nothing I can do about it, except to take a different road and not get involved in all the madness.
Anyway, it helps a lot to have a place to come to and write it all out. I know that all of you understand and I´m very thankful for your comments because they make me feel like I´m not exaggerating. Now I suppose it´s just a matter of detaching emotionally, which is of course much harder to do with a parent than with a romantic relationship.
Thanks again!
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