bluebird418

In all seriousness, I am sure that is not the case, but it is how I feel right now. This December marks 3 years since I have been with my xAH, and 1 year since he has seen our daughter. We have a PO now and he has no contact with her, but is allowed to send me emails asking how she is, which he has not even done in several weeks.

Anyways, I have been with my current SO for nearly 2 years now. We have a great relationship, he is my best friend and the father my daughter never had. He doesn't drink, is very responsible, loving and kind. The problem is no matter how many times he tells me, it won't sink in that he loves me. I can see myself morphing into a possessive and needy girlfriend, and I hate myself for it. I have PTSD/anxiety which comes with hardcore hyper vigilance, flashbacks, panic attacks and all sorts of other fun stuff. Even though I trust him, for some reason I keep looking for another way for him to prove he loves me. I think in many ways although I am over my xAH, I am not over how completely broken he left me. The lies that I was told. The way that I watched my family destroyed in front of my eyes. The promises he told that I hung on to ring in my ears every time I hear a promise now. I have been pushing my current SO for marriage, although he agrees that he would like to get married, who wants to be pushed? Its like I am watching someone inhabit my body and react in ways that I disgust. In my mind I think: The only person that ever loved you enough to marry you, lied to you and abused you. I equate that to him not loving me enough. Even though he moved to be with me, takes care of my daughter as his own, helps me with the house and takes a lot of stress off my plate. The other day when I was out of town he told me he didn't go out to eat dinner because he though I would be mad. Wow, am I really that possessive? He wasn't even wrong. When he first mentioned it the first thought that popped into my mind was: Is he going out drinking? He doesn't even drink!

The fact is I know I need help, but I don't know how to get it. One hour therapy sessions on my lunch break aren't cutting it. The more I spew my life tale, the emptier I feel. Sometimes I want to just go away for a while and do intensive therapy for like a month, but not only would that make me look crazy but I have a job, school, volunteering, and my daughter of course. I can see myself drowning in unresolved emotional issues, and he deserves better and I want to be better for him and most importantly for myself and DD. Suggestions?

LifeRecovery

The relationship that got me here for me was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Getting out of that relationship was about more than living with an alcoholic.

It was painful but it FORCED me to look at my family of origin and other patterns of behaviors.

I will be honest I had to feel worse before I felt better. I do however feel MUCH better now. Probably the best about myself I have ever felt.

I did Al-Anon, and I have been in therapy for years and years. I had to dig in and be willing to feel the hard stuff before feeling better happened. I also did body work (like massage), energy work, a couple of sessions of equine therapy etc. I have an excellent therapist and that has helped. I did a Mindfullness Based Stress Reduction course For me a lot of my discomfort and challenging behaviors were about an unwillingness to sit with what I was feeling.

Best of luck. Truly it did work for me but when I was in it it was hard to see the forest because of the trees.

firebolt

Take a month. If you can't, take 2 weeks! There are tons of retreats, a vacation on a beach with some meetings and or a seminar or specialized therapist. Get back into the things you love and do for yourself, when no one else is around. Noone to focus on, no one relying on you. Where there's a will, there's a way!

It won't make you look crazy, and even if it did....who cares. The people that know you know you aren't..

Talk to HR and or your boss. You can be honest and say you've had a crazy few years and need a vacay to decompress, or - you can just say you need a long vacation. Maybe you can combine vacation time and leave of absence?

Can you be honest with your S/O? "look, babe, I feel myself slipping back into some old habits, and I need to take a little time off to reset / re-center." Whatever is best for you IS best for your child and your partner! Hang in there, it's just time for some maintenance!

bluebird418

I truly wish I could. I desperately need self care time, where I am getting intense therapy for my phobias, anxiety, and C-PTSD. However, the courts are always watching and the last thing I need is to look unstable. I also have a high pressure job where taking that much time off just is not an option. It is me and me only supporting my daughter--until the time comes where I am re-married. I am wondering if there is intensive out patient care for this kind of stuff but everything I have seen is more related to addiction which is not my problem. :/

firebolt

(((HUGS))) Bluebird.

I don't think taking a vacation makes you look unstable at all....and we all have a breaking point! And if you are anything like me, when I hit it, I AM somewhat unstable LOL! Hang in there, I hope you can find some freedom to get some peace! It's so important!

DoubleDragons

Bluebird, I understand and relate to your post completely. However my alcoholic is my mother. When I started coming to terms with all of the abuse I suffered through the years with her disordered thinking and addiction, I started feeling very vulnerable in every one of my relationships. I am happily married to my college sweetheart for decades now and I have never been a jealous or possessive person, but about a year ago, I became incredibly insecure, almost out of nowhere, in my very solid marriage to my best friend (who is not an alcoholic). In fact, I left this forum for while because I was thinking that it maybe was a trigger that was making me look for problems in my marriage. Bottom line, when we start facing the truth about what we have truly been through, and allowed ourselves to be subjected to in our relationships with alcoholics, I think we fundamentally start questioning ourselves and our faith and trust in our own discernment and abilities to care for ourselves and that is where the vulnerability starts really rearing its head. Also, I think that we are so conditioned for drama when we have long term relationships with alcoholics, that "the even keel" makes us very stressed. For me, I have a problem with always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I was able to move on past that very insecure period the same way that I quit drinking over three years ago. One day at a time. Being very aware of my thoughts and actions. No more snooping on his phone or his briefcase. When my thoughts would go to fears about my marriage, I would make myself change my thoughts to the ABCs of gratitude or what I needed at the grocery store. It was another great lesson on putting the focus back on myself and being responsible for my own needs. At the same time, I noticed that my husband and I had almost gotten too independent, so I communicated to him that I felt that way. We now make a point to check in with each more each day and look for weekly activities for just the two of us to do together. In the end, I was so tired of the pain and fear that I was inflicting on myself with unfounded worry, that I worked very hard to surrender everything to my higher power. I can't control anyone but myself and I truly believe that sometimes the worst things that happen in life bring us the best lessons, so I trust that if something goes awry in my marriage, it is ultimately for the best for the growth of both of us and the same is true if things continue to go very well. I can't say I never go to worry thoughts, but I am a lot better that when I was letting them run amock and allowing them to hurt the most beautiful relationship that I have ever had in my life.

You may not be able to take a therapeutic vacation like firebolt so wisely suggested, but do spend a good amount of your each individual day taking care of yourself. For me, that is eating right, getting exercise, getting out in nature, having "alone" time, getting plenty of sleep, lighting good smelling candles, staying way from people/news/movies/phone calls, etc. that trigger me, etc. etc. Focus on taking care of yourself as if you were your precious daughter because in the end, that is the only way you will be your best self and you, your daughter and your boyfriend will benefit the most with you at your best.

Take care and know that if you want to stop the obsessing, you can, but you have to want it to stop and dedicate yourself to moving on.

Nata1980

Can totally relate - right now I feel like I will be forever single because I will trust no one.

+1 on vacation. Or - you can even request FMLA - it really is not anyone's business what it is for. We have people at work do it all the time. And execs (they are all European) go on month long vacation cause this is what Europeans do

I take 3 week long vacations once in a while when I fly overseas - and always use it as an opportunity to cross train/delegate to junior employees.

Healthy you is a win for family and workplace alike.

AnvilheadII

i think i'd worry more about what things may look like if you do NOT take time to figure things out now. the PTSD coupled with an unending need to FEEL loved (worthy) puts you at risk to have that tether to the now continue to fray.

it sounds like you have some FOO (Family of Origin) stuff to address? that stuff doesn't go away on it's own. it must be faced head on - but best done in a guided process with someone you trust.

do you attend alanon? have you considered working the steps?
we accrue vacation time for a reason. to rest, recharge, refuel.

bluebird418

if there was any way I would. I just moved firms so I've only been there for 2 months. Therefore I have no vacation time available nor am I eligible for medical or personal leave.

I have tried al anon once but maybe it wasn't the right meeting for me. Best case scenario is that I can find some outpatient program but not sure if they exist. Therapy, meds, self care.. it's just not working. Ugh

thousandwords53

..maybe time will be what helps. Patience with yourself and time. Hugs. No advice here, just good 'ol internet hugs.

AnvilheadII

trying Alanon ONCE is like trying to ski ONCE. gonna take a few many times down the bunny hill, a bunch of spills, some lessons, and repeated PRACTICE.

bluebird418

It's true. I didn't give al anon a true chance and maybe I should go more. But I have been in therapy for years with basically no success so I'm a little confused as to why.

I need to take it one day, one moment at a time. In a weird way I see the 35 months that I have no been with my xAH as MY sobriety. Does that make sense?

letitend

Have you been seeing the same therapist the entire time? I know there are different types of therapy. Perhaps a different approach would shed light on what it is you are seeking to heal.

bluebird418

No I have seen several. I have tried cognitive therapy, behavioral therapy, EMDR...giving at least one months to work with me. I dont see any improvement :/ It is frustrating to start over with a new therapist and have to start from the top again.

maia1234

Bb, I to did therapy every week for 3 straight months. She kept telling me to detach, but never told me how.

I had gone to alanon 15 years earlier. I gave it a try again and new I never could leave, as these people understood. Maybe you are ready now my friend. It saved my life!!

And sr!!

AnvilheadII

expecting change with only one month of therapy is unrealistic.
there are no quick fixes. you have to invest the time and work, if you want results.
think of how many times we say here - wait until the addict has AT LEAST one year of solid recovery under their belt before even considering resuming the relationship.
why?
because recovery is a process.....and it takes TIME.

bluebird418

it wasnt one month, it was several months. i have been in therapy consistently for years in fact, i feel like i invested the time and the effort, but i dont know maybe there is something i am missing.

DesertEyes

The first meeting I attended was all women, and all of them had married a drunk several decades ago. I totally did not fit in. The meeting I go to now has a lot of guys, and most of the convo is about ACA issues and how they affect our relationships today. This one is perfect for me.

Al-anon meets are all independent, which means that each one has it's own "flavor" depending on who is there. Come back a few years later and the same meet has completely different people and a totally different "flavor".

My experience is that therapy has been very good at helping me understand the reasons why I feel the way I do. It explains the "why" of "codie-itis". But it doesn't do much about actually fixing it. Meetings show me what specific actions other people are taking to resolve exactly the same issues, the "how" of recovery. Which I can then try out for my own issues. I don't think I would have made any progress without both.

One of the actions that has helped me the most has been to sponsor other guys in al-anon. I listen to them tell me about the addict in their lives and explain the reasons why they make the choices they do. I can clearly see the flaw in their thinking, the twisted logic they use to cover up their own dysfunctional needs. It is completely obvious to me how unhealthy their relationships are.

Then I have to step back and recognize that most of what these guys are doing in their lives is exactly the same thing I was doing with my ex. I just could not see it in myself. That has given me some huge healings.

It takes action to heal dysfunction, and if you are not getting specific guidance about actions to take from therapy, or meetings, then you might want to consider different meetings and therapists.

Oh yes. Around here it's called "emotional sobriety". Living with an addict/alkie is crazy-making. Being free from that insanity is a wonderful haven of serenity.

Mike

mylifeismine

Yes alanon is where you will heal and make great strides
in your personal growth, absolutely. I'd even say drop
therapy for a while, since you haven't made progress
with it. Its not the answer for you right now,