Boiling Point
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Boiling Point
I'm almost there. So close.
Finances are a mess right now and I'm the one going without. I don't have a working phone. He doesn't want any of my auto pays to come out of "his" account. I live off of $1000 a month . His income is 10x that.
I drive a small two door with three kids and he drives an SUV by himself. I check and add my own oil and other fluids. I take out the trash. He is lazy when at home yet is so entitled in his own universe.
I am tired of being in a relationship where he has 90% power and I have 10%. And when things get tough I'm the first one to go without. I get 90% of the blame when something goes "wrong" and he gets to lash out and make our lives hell. I have never received an apology (a true, heart felt one) from this man. But I have given hundreds of apologies that didn't belong to me, just to get in his good graces for a while. Life is always easy for him. Thanks to those that love him.
I receive zero emotional support, and when I try and pep talk him to feel better, he gets angry because I am positive and have hope. He likes to live in his misery. I am cut down and cut off any time the conversation doesn't interest him, or if I have the upper hand on the subject. Straight up cut down with his words, or lack thereof. I get more support and encouragement from complete strangers than he will ever be able to give me. Why am I hanging around, is what I need to ask myself. This is a vent. Thanks for reading.
Finances are a mess right now and I'm the one going without. I don't have a working phone. He doesn't want any of my auto pays to come out of "his" account. I live off of $1000 a month . His income is 10x that.
I drive a small two door with three kids and he drives an SUV by himself. I check and add my own oil and other fluids. I take out the trash. He is lazy when at home yet is so entitled in his own universe.
I am tired of being in a relationship where he has 90% power and I have 10%. And when things get tough I'm the first one to go without. I get 90% of the blame when something goes "wrong" and he gets to lash out and make our lives hell. I have never received an apology (a true, heart felt one) from this man. But I have given hundreds of apologies that didn't belong to me, just to get in his good graces for a while. Life is always easy for him. Thanks to those that love him.
I receive zero emotional support, and when I try and pep talk him to feel better, he gets angry because I am positive and have hope. He likes to live in his misery. I am cut down and cut off any time the conversation doesn't interest him, or if I have the upper hand on the subject. Straight up cut down with his words, or lack thereof. I get more support and encouragement from complete strangers than he will ever be able to give me. Why am I hanging around, is what I need to ask myself. This is a vent. Thanks for reading.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Change is scary. Giving up the hopes and dreams with someone we love is difficult. I was paralyzed from taking action, even though I knew what I needed to do for a long time.
But once I set myself in motion, NOTHING could stop me. And once I did it, none of it was nearly as hard as I built it up to be in my head. And I could not have imagined the amount of peace that came with making the changes I needed to make. Hang in there, be good to yourself, it'll come when you are ready....and you won't let anything get in your way. (((HUGS)))
But once I set myself in motion, NOTHING could stop me. And once I did it, none of it was nearly as hard as I built it up to be in my head. And I could not have imagined the amount of peace that came with making the changes I needed to make. Hang in there, be good to yourself, it'll come when you are ready....and you won't let anything get in your way. (((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
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Hey, thousandwords. What can you do that will help you take back your power? Someone posted on a similar thread that their friend just stopped doing the A's stuff. She took care of herself and the kids and let him take care of himself. After a while, he did, though not without resistance. Is that something that could work for you? Or is your spouse a volatile personality. Don't want anyone hurt.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Sending you a hug.
Have you met with a lawyer, hopefully a mean one? It sounds like you'd have a higher standard of living if you were divorced and he was paying you child support.
In economics, there's a concept called "a bundle of goods and services." That's all I ever was to my first husband...arm candy/housekeeper with a paycheck.
Over time, being treated as nothing more crushes your soul.
Wishing you strength and hopes for a better life.
Have you met with a lawyer, hopefully a mean one? It sounds like you'd have a higher standard of living if you were divorced and he was paying you child support.
In economics, there's a concept called "a bundle of goods and services." That's all I ever was to my first husband...arm candy/housekeeper with a paycheck.
Over time, being treated as nothing more crushes your soul.
Wishing you strength and hopes for a better life.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
TW don't blame you for being at your boiling point. That is a terrible way to have to live - talk about zero respect! He is taking advantage of you and you should demand some respect and more equal treatment in the relationship. And if he's not willing (which is probable), then he needs to know there are ramifications for that.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Maudcat : Yes, he can become volatile/is hard to deal with. I will try better at not catering him though. He doesn't scare me, really- but it gets exhausting to deal with his antics.
Aries again: I need to re-visit the topic with my attorney. Not quite there yet, as I'm not prepared to act on my words. Soon though. I will not play so nice this time. When we separated almost two years ago, getting him to pay child support was like pulling teeth, and I was too nice. No more nice lady here. Learned that lesson.
I am also looking forward, fast forward to sunnier days. Where I am the main influence in my kid's lives. Happier times are ahead. Building strength in the mean time.
Aries again: I need to re-visit the topic with my attorney. Not quite there yet, as I'm not prepared to act on my words. Soon though. I will not play so nice this time. When we separated almost two years ago, getting him to pay child support was like pulling teeth, and I was too nice. No more nice lady here. Learned that lesson.
I am also looking forward, fast forward to sunnier days. Where I am the main influence in my kid's lives. Happier times are ahead. Building strength in the mean time.
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Refiner: THANK YOU. Just posting and receiving support and validation means so much. People who know us in real life, but don't know us, would have no idea the crap I deal with. Trying not to be so quiet these days.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Tw,
I see that you joined in Jan 2015. So looks like you have been taking his abuse for quite a while. Maybe if you stick around my friend, we can hold both your hands and walk you out of this abusive relationship.
Not sure how old your kids are but at some point you will realize that they see a lot more then we think. I never had enough respect for myself, but when my kids were telling me that it was time, then I finally got enough strength to leave. It only took me 34 years, I was a slow learner.
Keep reading around the forum. See about hitting an open aa meeting or alanon meeting. Maybe this time will be the time that have truly had enough and you are ready to make that change.
Sending hugs my friend, we all understand. There is hope for each and everyone of us that reaches out on this forum.
I see that you joined in Jan 2015. So looks like you have been taking his abuse for quite a while. Maybe if you stick around my friend, we can hold both your hands and walk you out of this abusive relationship.
Not sure how old your kids are but at some point you will realize that they see a lot more then we think. I never had enough respect for myself, but when my kids were telling me that it was time, then I finally got enough strength to leave. It only took me 34 years, I was a slow learner.
Keep reading around the forum. See about hitting an open aa meeting or alanon meeting. Maybe this time will be the time that have truly had enough and you are ready to make that change.
Sending hugs my friend, we all understand. There is hope for each and everyone of us that reaches out on this forum.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by maia1234 
Tw,
I see that you joined in Jan 2015. So looks like you have been taking his abuse for quite a while. Maybe if you stick around my friend, we can hold both your hands and walk you out of this abusive relationship.
Not sure how old your kids are but at some point you will realize that they see a lot more then we think. I never had enough respect for myself, but when my kids were telling me that it was time, then I finally got enough strength to leave. It only took me 34 years, I was a slow learner.
Keep reading around the forum. See about hitting an open aa meeting or alanon meeting. Maybe this time will be the time that have truly had enough and you are ready to make that change.
Sending hugs my friend, we all understand. There is hope for each and everyone of us that reaches out on this forum.
I see that you joined in Jan 2015. So looks like you have been taking his abuse for quite a while. Maybe if you stick around my friend, we can hold both your hands and walk you out of this abusive relationship.
Not sure how old your kids are but at some point you will realize that they see a lot more then we think. I never had enough respect for myself, but when my kids were telling me that it was time, then I finally got enough strength to leave. It only took me 34 years, I was a slow learner.
Keep reading around the forum. See about hitting an open aa meeting or alanon meeting. Maybe this time will be the time that have truly had enough and you are ready to make that change.
Sending hugs my friend, we all understand. There is hope for each and everyone of us that reaches out on this forum.
Yes I have 18+ years behind me with this person. It is all that I know, but am learning better. All of the support here really helps. Just knowing someone understands this madness means so much.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
He sounds truly selfish and awful, you have my sincere sympathy and best wishes. What sort of man doesn't support his wife and family? That's sick.
When you decide, I don't see how you could be worse off than you are now.
When you decide, I don't see how you could be worse off than you are now.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Just posting and receiving support and validation means so much. People who know us in real life, but don't know us, would have no idea the crap I deal with. I'm trying to navigate those same waters. Keep being strong and focused on yourself.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 126
Hold up... he drives an SUV and you are driving a 2 door with 3 kids?! That dude has issues.
It's bad enough that he is putting his own needs above yours, but he is also putting himself above his children. I know that can't be easy for them, climbing in and out all of the time.
Is it possible he is going through some kind of mid life crisis or something? I am not one for "staying together for the kids". I think it's worse for them to have unhappy parents. I divorced when my son was 3. That said, I never REALLY loved his bio dad (he was a nightmare). You mentioned being with this man 18 years. I assume there had to have been a genuine love. I understand that it must be much harder for you to end it after so much time. But you do deserve to be happy and your children deserve to have a happy mom. If you have put everything you can into this, which it sounds like you have, then have no remorse walking away. You can't get blood from a stone, or in this case a complete tool.
Good luck!
It's bad enough that he is putting his own needs above yours, but he is also putting himself above his children. I know that can't be easy for them, climbing in and out all of the time.
Is it possible he is going through some kind of mid life crisis or something? I am not one for "staying together for the kids". I think it's worse for them to have unhappy parents. I divorced when my son was 3. That said, I never REALLY loved his bio dad (he was a nightmare). You mentioned being with this man 18 years. I assume there had to have been a genuine love. I understand that it must be much harder for you to end it after so much time. But you do deserve to be happy and your children deserve to have a happy mom. If you have put everything you can into this, which it sounds like you have, then have no remorse walking away. You can't get blood from a stone, or in this case a complete tool.
Good luck!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
When the pain of staying becomes greater than your fear of leaving you’ll make the right decision for yourself.
I remained in a marriage for 16 years to a selfish controller and he didn’t drink! I stayed for the kids, I stayed because my vows, I stayed because I was dependent on him financially. My reasons (excuses) for staying and tolerating unacceptable emotional abusive behavior stopped holding water and I began my journey to free myself from living that life.
Keep venting!
I remained in a marriage for 16 years to a selfish controller and he didn’t drink! I stayed for the kids, I stayed because my vows, I stayed because I was dependent on him financially. My reasons (excuses) for staying and tolerating unacceptable emotional abusive behavior stopped holding water and I began my journey to free myself from living that life.
Keep venting!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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I just feel lots of guilt, and empathy for him right now. He is legit stressed out on our finances and feels the world on his shoulders. He was worried last night, and said if it keeps going this way he feels he may have a heart attack. (probably not going to happen, but very stressed out) I try and be supportive and positive and it gets shot down = My mindset isn't based on reality, everything will be ok because he is working non-stop to make it happen etc. So I'm damned if I do damned if I don't support him. I have no choice but to think we will be ok. That is how I function. Eternal optimism. He gave me money so I can pay my phone. I just don't have a team mate in life. He feels the same way, but I am here still even when I shouldn't be. He doesn't realize this.
I have been telling him for a few weeks now that my job has asked me to work more and even promoted me. He never remembers our convos or just shuts me down, because that will impede on my house/mother duties. I was excited about this. Well, guess who is asking me if I can pick up more hours now? lol. I said...uh yeah remember? I am starting full time in December. .... That concludes my vent update. Stress!!!
I have been telling him for a few weeks now that my job has asked me to work more and even promoted me. He never remembers our convos or just shuts me down, because that will impede on my house/mother duties. I was excited about this. Well, guess who is asking me if I can pick up more hours now? lol. I said...uh yeah remember? I am starting full time in December. .... That concludes my vent update. Stress!!!
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Originally Posted by Ladyshipwreck
Maybe look into marriage counseling?
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Just an update, hope you guys don't mind. 
I have been doing some serious internal work and reading a LOT. I feel like my detachment has excellerated quite a bit and it's happening faster than I was wanting. I think he is noticing because he seems to be clinging to me, telling me he loves me over and over again, trying so hard to let it be known that he loves me. One book suggested I write down all past abuse/incidents and then to keep a journal of new ones that happen. I am still working on trusting myself. I'm worried that my fast emotional detachment is making me extra critical maybe? Below I will copy and paste my journal entry from last night, any and all opinions welcome please. This will help me fine tune my compass.
Here it is:
He told me the insurance adjusters that work from home are "just, you know, (gesturing at me) a stay at home mom." In the tone that just any idiot could be on the other line. Making calls and judgments about a work bid.
I was excited for our Thanksgiving dinner I had cooked and went to take a picture of my plate. I said something like: "ooh it's a perfect plate!" And he chimed in "oh yeah, with the burned roll" I called him on what he said, and he of course said: "I was just joking"
He's also just joking when he makes fat jokes or starts to talk about the "old me" in a gross/unflattering way. I try and say something. This is making me cry.
The other night, he had been drinking, and we were in bed. Trying to you know... and we were kissing except he was so slow and closed mouthed and seemed to slow down and stop, fall asleep, whatever. No excelleration just getting limp faced and floppy hands on me... So my feelings are pretty hurt at this point in time. I say "hey, you're falling asleep let's do this later". He rolls over and says "oh yeah, yeah. Go ahead and sleep you're tired" (wtf!!!) I said: "I'm not the one falling asleep."
So then I get comfortable, roll on my side like always do. Then he starts asking about our son's homework status. He hasn't asked all school year, nor did he even inquire about his conference two weeks ago. So now he brings that up. I gave a short answer, and said goodnight. Then he asks another question I don't even remember because it was the third subject removed by now. And I was confused but not really. He does this often, odd topics that have been on his mind bubble up at the strangest times. Things he knows could be hot topics that turn into fights. Like bills, auto repair needs, work stress, household things I've let slide..etc.
Also: he expresses violence towards co-workers, even females /Bill collectors /minorities etc. That worries me.
He keeps telling me "I love you" a lot. And daily, every other day really, he will counter me when I say it back. "Yeah right" "I hope so" "I dont think so" or tonight he asked: "do you really love me?" And I said "yes of course I do. Why do you keep asking that all the time?" He replies that that was the first time he ever asked that. And I of course over explained myself and said you have some negative reply each time. So that ended our night. He rolled over and fell asleep and I'm still up, feeling like an a-hole.
I have been doing some serious internal work and reading a LOT. I feel like my detachment has excellerated quite a bit and it's happening faster than I was wanting. I think he is noticing because he seems to be clinging to me, telling me he loves me over and over again, trying so hard to let it be known that he loves me. One book suggested I write down all past abuse/incidents and then to keep a journal of new ones that happen. I am still working on trusting myself. I'm worried that my fast emotional detachment is making me extra critical maybe? Below I will copy and paste my journal entry from last night, any and all opinions welcome please. This will help me fine tune my compass.
Here it is:
He told me the insurance adjusters that work from home are "just, you know, (gesturing at me) a stay at home mom." In the tone that just any idiot could be on the other line. Making calls and judgments about a work bid.
I was excited for our Thanksgiving dinner I had cooked and went to take a picture of my plate. I said something like: "ooh it's a perfect plate!" And he chimed in "oh yeah, with the burned roll" I called him on what he said, and he of course said: "I was just joking"
He's also just joking when he makes fat jokes or starts to talk about the "old me" in a gross/unflattering way. I try and say something. This is making me cry.
The other night, he had been drinking, and we were in bed. Trying to you know... and we were kissing except he was so slow and closed mouthed and seemed to slow down and stop, fall asleep, whatever. No excelleration just getting limp faced and floppy hands on me... So my feelings are pretty hurt at this point in time. I say "hey, you're falling asleep let's do this later". He rolls over and says "oh yeah, yeah. Go ahead and sleep you're tired" (wtf!!!) I said: "I'm not the one falling asleep."
So then I get comfortable, roll on my side like always do. Then he starts asking about our son's homework status. He hasn't asked all school year, nor did he even inquire about his conference two weeks ago. So now he brings that up. I gave a short answer, and said goodnight. Then he asks another question I don't even remember because it was the third subject removed by now. And I was confused but not really. He does this often, odd topics that have been on his mind bubble up at the strangest times. Things he knows could be hot topics that turn into fights. Like bills, auto repair needs, work stress, household things I've let slide..etc.
Also: he expresses violence towards co-workers, even females /Bill collectors /minorities etc. That worries me.
He keeps telling me "I love you" a lot. And daily, every other day really, he will counter me when I say it back. "Yeah right" "I hope so" "I dont think so" or tonight he asked: "do you really love me?" And I said "yes of course I do. Why do you keep asking that all the time?" He replies that that was the first time he ever asked that. And I of course over explained myself and said you have some negative reply each time. So that ended our night. He rolled over and fell asleep and I'm still up, feeling like an a-hole.
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thousandwords, from what you have shared....you are being abused. You don't have to be physically hit to be abused.....
You may have never thought of it this way....but, emotional abuse is still abuse and it leaves scars on the inside. I can understand why you cry at the thing that he says (and does)....
Abuse is wrong. And, none of it is your fault. There are no excuses that make abuse o.k. Not even alcohol!
No one should have to live in abuse. It destroys your self esteem and your self confidence and even gets to the point that you don't trust your own self. You can lose yourself. It can even be hard to think straight, any more.....
Please keep posting and reading, here. Especially, read the stickies at the top of the main p age that deal with abuse as well as alcoholism...
You might, also, read up o n abuse on the internet...just google it....
***be careful if you share a computer with him. Be sure to erase your search history. Use a different computer (at the library)...if he is computer literate, or has special skills in that area.....
You may have never thought of it this way....but, emotional abuse is still abuse and it leaves scars on the inside. I can understand why you cry at the thing that he says (and does)....
Abuse is wrong. And, none of it is your fault. There are no excuses that make abuse o.k. Not even alcohol!
No one should have to live in abuse. It destroys your self esteem and your self confidence and even gets to the point that you don't trust your own self. You can lose yourself. It can even be hard to think straight, any more.....
Please keep posting and reading, here. Especially, read the stickies at the top of the main p age that deal with abuse as well as alcoholism...
You might, also, read up o n abuse on the internet...just google it....
***be careful if you share a computer with him. Be sure to erase your search history. Use a different computer (at the library)...if he is computer literate, or has special skills in that area.....
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