AnvilheadII

he sounds like a ticking time bomb.....over-inflated ego, sense of entitlement, controlling by making you and the children go without-treating you like second class citizens, constantly and relentlessly belittling you while demanding you demonstrate adoration, negative/violent views towards anyone who is not him. AND an alcoholic.

this isn't going to get better. things will continue to fray and spiral out of control. you could talk til you are blue in the face, you could defend and explain from now til the Superbowl, and nothing, not one word will make a difference. because he doesn't "hear" you, he'd have to respect you in order to respect your words.

it's time to start seeing him for who he is....NOT a partner, NOT a confidante, not even a friend. he cannot meet your needs because they are irrelevant to him.

thousandwords53

Thank you Dandy, you never fail at making me feel better about my posts.
I have 3 books I am simultaneously reading on my kindle on this topic, I think that is why I am speeding up my detachment, it is just coming easier with awareness. I post these incidents to help me "reality check" myself. But you are right, it is destroying me, while I am trying so hard to regain who I've lost years ago. Two steps forward three back staying in this marriage.

We do not share a computer, and my phone is locked. He is not the most literate thing (sorry that sounds mean, but true. He is a man baby and acts/likes it that way it seems) so I have my things secure.

thousandwords53

Thank you Anvilhead,

I agree with him being a bomb, ticking away. If I am totally honest with myself- it does scare me. And a huge breakthrough for me was reading in one of my book that I cannot/ have to stop reasoning with him or explaining WHY he has hurt me. Because we live in two separate realities. And always will.

NewRomanMan

He may not be willing to change until he sees that you're serious about making a change in your life. Sometimes an alcoholic needs to be hit over the head hard in order to get our attention. My guess is he doesn't realize how good he has it and is taking you for granted. Maybe he needs to find out that isn't such a good idea...
t

thousandwords53

Thank you NRM,

You'd think so right?I've held onto that mindset for years. ...unfortunately with our history...it repeats itself. I have already moved out once and had a serious talk this past August. He knows. But denial and entitlement are so SOOOOO strong in him, we always cycle back into this.

dandylion

I would like to add that "taking for granted" is not the same as abuse.

abuse is a separate thing....and, is based on the fact that an abusing person, at baseline, just assumes that it is their "right".......power and control are a part of it , also.....

thousandwords53

Yes! Thank you for clarifying that, Dandy. I think that is exactly how I categorized his behavior in the past. With a little abuse sprinkled in. I don't give what's happening enough weight.

dandylion

Yes, thousandwords...I think that we minimize in order to hang in and tolerate it...while hoping that things will improve. After a while--it just becomes our "normal"......
What so often happens is...that once a person is out of the abuse for a while, they say that they are shocked at what they endured for so long........
I have heard that said sooo many times, here on the forum......

dandylion

thousandwords...have you ever heard the story of the grog and the pot of boiling water? It is often repeated, in these parts.....
Perhaps, someone who tells stories better than I do can relate it......?

thousandwords53

YES. I have. So very, very true. And lately when certain things come out of his mouth, I am in shock and say "What did you just say?!" He repeats and justifies what he says and thinks nothing of it. A year ago, six months ago even, I would have just been mentally hung up or not even noticed what he said/did. Slowly I am getting my self re-set so I don't boil slowly.

qtpi

Are you reading the books by Lundy Bancroft? I am six months out and endured something similar in a 33 year marriage. I am so surprised at how good my decisions are- my confidence is growing at a rapid pace. also I am seeing the past and other things in a new light- seeing more of the reality and less of the reality is colored by guilt. Still not completely healed but it gets better and better.

thousandwords53

Yes I am reading her books as well as some by Patricia Evans. My brain is so full and I love it. lol. The rapid pace of growth and gaining confidence is awesome. Also, the retrospect of past events is really hitting me hard. Thank you for your insight. I can't wait until I'm six months on the other side. Hate to say it, but it's true. I am future tripping quite a bit to give me the strength needed to continue with my plans.

LexieCat

Lundy's a he, not a she. I've seen him present at conferences--very impressive guy, and he has some great insight on how batterers (which includes any kind of abusive behavior) cause harm to children and their relationships with their mothers. He's worked with abusive men, and their victims, for decades.

qtpi

Future tripping is fine. Often lying in bed next to him, I would be too agitated to sleep. After similar verbal abuse- after selfishness- and me questioning myself_was that abusive? is it really him? did he really just say that? did i cause him to say it? what can i do to fix this there must be something i can do... an endless loop in my brain. what would calm me down and get me to sleep was imagining i was leaving him. picking out a place to live- telling him" i am leaving you "... calmly. I did this for years before I left. And I did leave.

thousandwords53

OOPS! *blushes* lol. Thank you Lexie. I assumed the author was a female, simply because I can't relate to a man being so....normal, I guess? I will have to see if there are any videos on YouTube, I really enjoy his books.

LexieCat

Here's a page with some videos: Public Speaking ? Lundy Bancroft

NewRomanMan

Very much true. Well said.