The Thanksgiving Survival Thread
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The Thanksgiving Survival Thread
The holidays are tough for a lot of us for a variety of different (& the same) reasons. For me, it's more stressful during the time leading up to the event because it involves too many triggering interactions with people as we make plans ahead of time. Once the holiday arrives I can pretty well coast through, but I want to rip my hair out daily during the week prior.
Are you being triggered? Having to develop new boundaries? Or maybe it's the BEST holiday you've had in a long time & you're experiencing a newfound peace & joy this season? Are you starting new traditions or experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions dealing with the old ones?
We can share away here & RANT or RAVE or whatever it takes to get us through this holiday.
Feel free to join in!
Are you being triggered? Having to develop new boundaries? Or maybe it's the BEST holiday you've had in a long time & you're experiencing a newfound peace & joy this season? Are you starting new traditions or experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions dealing with the old ones?
We can share away here & RANT or RAVE or whatever it takes to get us through this holiday.
Feel free to join in!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
My initial 
moment came yesterday when my mom suddenly remembers that she invited her Ex-AH to dinner "when she thought she was having it at her house"...... but that she'll tell him to just stay home alone if we'd rather not.
A - it was never discussed that she would host T-Day
B - Could she be ANY more passive-aggressive? No, please, I'd much rather he sat at home all day, alone & feeling sorry for himself.
C - This meant I had to lay down a boundary - he cannot bring beer into my house. It has been 5 yrs since RAH quit drinking it (his DOC) yet K still asked if I had a beer in the fridge last June when he came to DD's bday party...... so I have every expectation that without this being said, he'd have shown up with a cooler full.
D - I got to hear all the codie-shifting as she told me that you know, he & RAH don't really talk so it's not like he'd KNOW what was happening in our lives..... um, really? They've had many convos (so have I), it's been FIVE YEARS NOW and that all pre-dated their divorce so he wasn't "out of the loop" like she pretends. She doesn't even hear herself doing this constant blameshifting, but she does it all. the. time. Just say OK - I don't need a 10-min convo discussing/deflecting all the blah-blah-blah.
I don't normally "do" T-Day - Christmas is my holiday to host in the family - but my sister started seeing a new guy a couple of years ago & their tradition is to go away for the holiday. They make up 1/2 of our small family, leaving just me, RAH, DD & my mom. It didn't feel good having mom continue to shop/cook for the dinner since she is on a very limited budget, has been very concerned about money & can't physically get around without a lot of pain.
moment came yesterday when my mom suddenly remembers that she invited her Ex-AH to dinner "when she thought she was having it at her house"...... but that she'll tell him to just stay home alone if we'd rather not.A - it was never discussed that she would host T-Day
B - Could she be ANY more passive-aggressive? No, please, I'd much rather he sat at home all day, alone & feeling sorry for himself.
C - This meant I had to lay down a boundary - he cannot bring beer into my house. It has been 5 yrs since RAH quit drinking it (his DOC) yet K still asked if I had a beer in the fridge last June when he came to DD's bday party...... so I have every expectation that without this being said, he'd have shown up with a cooler full.
D - I got to hear all the codie-shifting as she told me that you know, he & RAH don't really talk so it's not like he'd KNOW what was happening in our lives..... um, really? They've had many convos (so have I), it's been FIVE YEARS NOW and that all pre-dated their divorce so he wasn't "out of the loop" like she pretends. She doesn't even hear herself doing this constant blameshifting, but she does it all. the. time. Just say OK - I don't need a 10-min convo discussing/deflecting all the blah-blah-blah.
I don't normally "do" T-Day - Christmas is my holiday to host in the family - but my sister started seeing a new guy a couple of years ago & their tradition is to go away for the holiday. They make up 1/2 of our small family, leaving just me, RAH, DD & my mom. It didn't feel good having mom continue to shop/cook for the dinner since she is on a very limited budget, has been very concerned about money & can't physically get around without a lot of pain.
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You know, I thought once I got divorced that I would start to enjoy the holidays, which I have in some ways. These two biggies, Thanksgiving and Xmas, they still trigger me. Two reasons. One is that I fear for my kids b/c they really want a good relationship w/their dad, and you never know when he may screw it all up by drinking around them.
Two, he won't talk to me to discuss plans in advance, so I just go by what we have done in the past and hope that works for him. He has the ability to have my younger DD for a week over Xmas and could demand that, and I would have to comply. Ugh.
So it's a rollercoaster of doing fun and enjoying things w/my family while still having that nagging worrying in the back of my head.
I keep thinking that this week, one of two will be over, and then it's Xmas, then smooth sailing for quite some time before another holiday!
Thanks for opening this thread, people with "normal" families don't really understand this stuff in my experience.
Two, he won't talk to me to discuss plans in advance, so I just go by what we have done in the past and hope that works for him. He has the ability to have my younger DD for a week over Xmas and could demand that, and I would have to comply. Ugh.
So it's a rollercoaster of doing fun and enjoying things w/my family while still having that nagging worrying in the back of my head.
I keep thinking that this week, one of two will be over, and then it's Xmas, then smooth sailing for quite some time before another holiday!
Thanks for opening this thread, people with "normal" families don't really understand this stuff in my experience.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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I'm not exactly sure what will happen this year. I'm excited to be with family that day, and thankfully whatever AH does or doesn't do won't keep me from having a good day, but from the looks of it, he might not even make it because he's started drinking again, and that usually means it'll turn into a many day binge. Also, because his family just had the big talk with him, it would probably be pretty awkward (for him). I love his family, so I'm good!
And for my side, if he doesn't show up, it'll be kind of interesting explaining things....currently only close family and friends know about his drinking and that he's not living at home. So I haven't quite decided how to handle that yet...whenever he hasn't come to family functions in the past I just say he's not feeling well or had to work, so maybe one of those will have to fly again. I don't think I want Thanksgiving to be the time I announce he's an alcoholic and we're separated, and really it's not any of their business either, so I guess I'll go with that!
And for my side, if he doesn't show up, it'll be kind of interesting explaining things....currently only close family and friends know about his drinking and that he's not living at home. So I haven't quite decided how to handle that yet...whenever he hasn't come to family functions in the past I just say he's not feeling well or had to work, so maybe one of those will have to fly again. I don't think I want Thanksgiving to be the time I announce he's an alcoholic and we're separated, and really it's not any of their business either, so I guess I'll go with that!
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Join Date: Oct 2016
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A friend of mine reached out to me yesterday saying "thinking of you, know the holidays may be tough this year" and believe it or not... this is the most excited I've been for the holidays in a long time! My past holidays with xAH involved my babysitting him or fearing he'll make a mess of everything or even nursing him back to health after a big binge. Not this year 
I'm in charge of me, myself and I and I couldn't be more excited!
Wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving - hopefully an "event"-free day!
I'm in charge of me, myself and I and I couldn't be more excited! Wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving - hopefully an "event"-free day!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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I'm having a hard time the last couple weeks. These will be the first holidays without my dad. One year ago today, we had 'THE' doc appointment, where they told us the cancer is growing again and there's nothing left to be done.
Thanksgiving was bittersweet last year, and I don't even want to really partake this year, but we need to rally around my mom a bit - I can't imagine how hard it is for her (and this makes me think of you a lot too, sweet Seren.)
Christmas will be nice. I am eternally grateful I won't be dealing with active alcoholism this winter, or through the holidays. There is no hell quite like it. I was reading my old posts and 3 Christmas's ago, I was posting here while sitting at a bar trying to escape the life I was living. It was so sad, I was defeated and exhausted, and just wanted to disappear....and you all rallied around me with exactly what I needed to hear. Today, it's difficult for me to put myself mentally back in that place, and I am so, SO thankful for that and you all. <3
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...stmas-bar.html
Thanksgiving was bittersweet last year, and I don't even want to really partake this year, but we need to rally around my mom a bit - I can't imagine how hard it is for her (and this makes me think of you a lot too, sweet Seren.)
Christmas will be nice. I am eternally grateful I won't be dealing with active alcoholism this winter, or through the holidays. There is no hell quite like it. I was reading my old posts and 3 Christmas's ago, I was posting here while sitting at a bar trying to escape the life I was living. It was so sad, I was defeated and exhausted, and just wanted to disappear....and you all rallied around me with exactly what I needed to hear. Today, it's difficult for me to put myself mentally back in that place, and I am so, SO thankful for that and you all. <3
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...stmas-bar.html
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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I was working a week or so ago and turned on the radio in the van. The station I had on is one I don't normally listen to in the AM b/c they have one of those awful "morning shows" featuring adolescent humor and hosts who mock anything they don't understand, which is a lot. Apparently that day someone had called in with a question about how to handle a sticky holiday family situation involving a divorced spouse and kids. Several calls were taken from people offering "advice", ranging from merely stupid to really mean-spirited, I thought.
I was on the verge of looking for something else when a woman caller came on the air. She described struggling w/the holidays as a divorced parent w/children still at home, and she said "yes, things are different since we divorced. The holidays are different. But you have to make new traditions, new ways of doing things. You need to show your kids how to start over b/c when, not if, they need to start over themselves, they will know it can be done."
What a pearl of wisdom! What a great lesson that woman is teaching her kids! And I felt very fortunate to have caught that moment, coming up on the 1-year anniversary of XAH moving out. I'm doing fine, much better than a year ago, but anniversaries are always somewhat fraught for me and that was such a lovely and timely reminder.
Hugs to all my SR friends, both long-time and new--wishing you all the beauty of the holiday season! May it find you when you least expect it and most need it.
I was on the verge of looking for something else when a woman caller came on the air. She described struggling w/the holidays as a divorced parent w/children still at home, and she said "yes, things are different since we divorced. The holidays are different. But you have to make new traditions, new ways of doing things. You need to show your kids how to start over b/c when, not if, they need to start over themselves, they will know it can be done."
What a pearl of wisdom! What a great lesson that woman is teaching her kids! And I felt very fortunate to have caught that moment, coming up on the 1-year anniversary of XAH moving out. I'm doing fine, much better than a year ago, but anniversaries are always somewhat fraught for me and that was such a lovely and timely reminder.
Hugs to all my SR friends, both long-time and new--wishing you all the beauty of the holiday season! May it find you when you least expect it and most need it.
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Join Date: May 2016
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I am enjoying my life now but DS is not talking to me and DD lives 3000 miles away. Starting a new tradition is a good idea- but this year--I signed up for work on the holidays- I always liked working holidays. Also I have a concert coming up in December- so I am going to take advantage of my free time- by focusing on preparing for the concert- lots and lots of musical practice over the next couple of weeks.
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Thanks for this thread. One thing I've always been proud of is how close our family of 8 is (3DSs, 1DD and 2 DILs), despite everything. And we still are. But while usually we all go to great lengths to see each other on holidays, this year, DH and I are spending Thanksgiving alone. 3 of my kids are in another state and we decided earlier that it makes sense for them to stay up there for Thanksgiving and they'll come down for Christmas. As for my DS/DDIL/DGS--well, AH overstepped one of their boundaries in a big way when he showed up drunk at GS's pre-school for the Halloween party, and so they are choosing to spend Thanksgiving on their own.
This is an example of the how the world of the A gets smaller and more isolated. I'm sad, but in a weirdly good way.
This is an example of the how the world of the A gets smaller and more isolated. I'm sad, but in a weirdly good way.
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we save Christmas for the family thing with my daughter - she was in a LTR and she and her BF did other stuff for Thanksgiving. this year she is single but hosting her (deceased) dad's side of the family.
so it's just hank and i ....we're inviting his one single buddy over. doing prime rib. we sort of overestimated the SIZE of the damn roast so there will be plenty of leftovers. my daughter could only get a 20# bird, so she'll have leftovers as well and we'll do a food exchange on Friday.
we're focused on the food and "new" recipes to try.....incorporating the new Bradley smoker for twice baked potatoes, and even smoked deviled eggs! the butcher had a cookie dough giveaway if you spent over $100, which we most definitely did, so i'll bake those and call it good for dessert!
since hank commandeered the tablet he got for me for christmas last year, he's become very good at looking stuff up on the google...and found a "new" dry rub for the prime rib, so we wrestled the monster this morning, got it all slathered up and back in the fridge. we can do up the potatoes today and then just reheat them tomorrow. oh and i'll do my famous sauteed baby carrots in butter/brown sugar.
and that's about it - a little advance planning and prep and there's just not much to stress over.
so it's just hank and i ....we're inviting his one single buddy over. doing prime rib. we sort of overestimated the SIZE of the damn roast so there will be plenty of leftovers. my daughter could only get a 20# bird, so she'll have leftovers as well and we'll do a food exchange on Friday.
we're focused on the food and "new" recipes to try.....incorporating the new Bradley smoker for twice baked potatoes, and even smoked deviled eggs! the butcher had a cookie dough giveaway if you spent over $100, which we most definitely did, so i'll bake those and call it good for dessert!
since hank commandeered the tablet he got for me for christmas last year, he's become very good at looking stuff up on the google...and found a "new" dry rub for the prime rib, so we wrestled the monster this morning, got it all slathered up and back in the fridge. we can do up the potatoes today and then just reheat them tomorrow. oh and i'll do my famous sauteed baby carrots in butter/brown sugar.
and that's about it - a little advance planning and prep and there's just not much to stress over.
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DD & are looking into some new recipes this year too - we decided to add this to the more "traditional" plates like mashed potatoes & gravy:
Best Loaded Slow-Cooker Potatoes Recipe-How To Make Loaded Slow-Cooker Potatoes?Delish.com
We also cleaned out the Christmas Tree area last night & got it prepped for all the boxes & buckets of decorations so that we can have an "activity" of sorts. This will help in 2 ways - it fills our time well so we aren't struggling to make constant conversations & it helps me remember all the stuff I ALREADY bought on clearance last year before I head out for Black Friday shopping, lol!
We also started a new tradition at our house last year - hiding a posable Jack Skellington doll around the house each day as a sort of a smart-arse play on the Elf on a Shelf phenomena. DD & I take turns surprising each other but RAH joins in here & there too - it was hilarious fun last year & he'll be making his seasonal debut tomorrow morning as well.
Best Loaded Slow-Cooker Potatoes Recipe-How To Make Loaded Slow-Cooker Potatoes?Delish.com
We also cleaned out the Christmas Tree area last night & got it prepped for all the boxes & buckets of decorations so that we can have an "activity" of sorts. This will help in 2 ways - it fills our time well so we aren't struggling to make constant conversations & it helps me remember all the stuff I ALREADY bought on clearance last year before I head out for Black Friday shopping, lol!
We also started a new tradition at our house last year - hiding a posable Jack Skellington doll around the house each day as a sort of a smart-arse play on the Elf on a Shelf phenomena. DD & I take turns surprising each other but RAH joins in here & there too - it was hilarious fun last year & he'll be making his seasonal debut tomorrow morning as well.
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We are having 26 people over to my mother's house this year! I have a very large and boisterous family so am looking forward to it after a long hard year. My heart hurts a little bit that all of the pain has come to complete full circle and that exactly 1 year ago on Thanksgiving, the A in my life had the first of what would be a year long series of intense relapses. I would have had no idea had someone told me last Thanksgiving that the fun was just beginning.
Last holiday, I had no idea what I was going to be in for. But this year I am a completely different person. I see photos of me in the holiday last year and even my fake smile is riddled with pain. I am thankful this year for enduring the painful lesson - otherwise, I am looking forward to being home with my family and in a place so warm and comforting which completely contradicted where I was just a year ago.
I am going to try two new recipes to share this year - roasted Brussels sprouts with honey balsamic, and a cranberry spice apple sauce for the turkey.
Last holiday, I had no idea what I was going to be in for. But this year I am a completely different person. I see photos of me in the holiday last year and even my fake smile is riddled with pain. I am thankful this year for enduring the painful lesson - otherwise, I am looking forward to being home with my family and in a place so warm and comforting which completely contradicted where I was just a year ago.
I am going to try two new recipes to share this year - roasted Brussels sprouts with honey balsamic, and a cranberry spice apple sauce for the turkey.
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firebolt - I am so sorry for this year without your father. Each year when we gather around the table I look and take it all in not knowing what will change next year. Life and the holidays are very difficult reminders of the impermancy (sp) of things.
I am however so happy to hear how this year is going to be different in positive ways as well and how much you have persevered. Keep on keeping on. BIG HUGS to you!
I am however so happy to hear how this year is going to be different in positive ways as well and how much you have persevered. Keep on keeping on. BIG HUGS to you!
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I'm single and have had trouble with my family so holidays can be a bit fraught for me.
My brother and his son brought our parents up a couple of nights ago. My SIL is driving up today with their other son and SIL's stepmother.
I get a bit stressed as years ago I overstepped my SIL's boundaries. I struggle to know what is okay and not okay around her. Many times I just try to stay away from family during the holidays. I have tickets to visits friends in Mexico for Christmas and may go spend the night with a friend tonight to give everyone some space.
On the happy side of the situation, I've had a great time with my 10 year old nephew. He is a super happy, capable kid. We went fishing yesterday and it was beautiful. I've been sanding and painting the deck railing. My nephew has been helping me screw the spindles back in the railing. I love giving him the opportunity to use a power drill. I hold the spindle in place and he pre-drills the holes and then screws the screws in. Our deck is so battered anyways that his youthful carpentry skills don't cause much more damage to railing than already exists.
Well I'm off to drink some more water, chop some wood and get out the ladder to do some roof fixing.
Hang tough all.
My brother and his son brought our parents up a couple of nights ago. My SIL is driving up today with their other son and SIL's stepmother.
I get a bit stressed as years ago I overstepped my SIL's boundaries. I struggle to know what is okay and not okay around her. Many times I just try to stay away from family during the holidays. I have tickets to visits friends in Mexico for Christmas and may go spend the night with a friend tonight to give everyone some space.
On the happy side of the situation, I've had a great time with my 10 year old nephew. He is a super happy, capable kid. We went fishing yesterday and it was beautiful. I've been sanding and painting the deck railing. My nephew has been helping me screw the spindles back in the railing. I love giving him the opportunity to use a power drill. I hold the spindle in place and he pre-drills the holes and then screws the screws in. Our deck is so battered anyways that his youthful carpentry skills don't cause much more damage to railing than already exists.
Well I'm off to drink some more water, chop some wood and get out the ladder to do some roof fixing.
Hang tough all.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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We'll be going to my parents house, where they are having a big gathering with 35 family members, and a Christmas tree hunt on Friday.
As a kid, I always remember holidays like that... with all my cousins and aunts and uncles. They are some of my best memories, and we haven't had a big Thanksgiving like that in many years, so I'm excited for it.
Also a little anxious though, about all the drinking that I am certain will be going on... They all drink, that's what they do, and it has just always been normal to me until XAH... now I'm not so comfortable around it, and I worry it will be triggering for me.
But it will be fine, and mostly I'm just excited!
Happy Thanksgiving to you all!
As a kid, I always remember holidays like that... with all my cousins and aunts and uncles. They are some of my best memories, and we haven't had a big Thanksgiving like that in many years, so I'm excited for it.
Also a little anxious though, about all the drinking that I am certain will be going on... They all drink, that's what they do, and it has just always been normal to me until XAH... now I'm not so comfortable around it, and I worry it will be triggering for me.
But it will be fine, and mostly I'm just excited!
Happy Thanksgiving to you all!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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This is my first thanksgiving by myself. I am ok. AH moved out on Saturday. His family hosts the holidays. I have no family here. My father passed years ago. My mom just this year. I sent the kids to spend today with AH. I did my own thing, then came home & cooked for myself.
I'll tell you, I'd rather be by myself then spend another holiday (or any day) with my AH drunk.
I was a mess the day he moved out but today im in a good place.
I'll tell you, I'd rather be by myself then spend another holiday (or any day) with my AH drunk.
I was a mess the day he moved out but today im in a good place.
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This isn't about Thanksgiving per se, but my STBXAH told me a couple of days ago that it is up to ME whether or not his girlfriend, whom he had an affair with (I didn't find out about it for a year), is invited to his mom's family Christmas party. His mom is ok with inviting both of us, but not if I have a problem with her being there. I swear, I don't understand what planet these people live on sometimes. Why would I be okay with being at a party with her, with people who have been like family to me for the last 16 years, when I feel nauseous even catching a glimpse of her from afar? SMH. That's a hell of a position to put me in. Punks.
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