Checking in...hello
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
How are you responding to him?
Given the circumstances I'd give him ONE explanation -
"As you are fully aware, these issues have been resolved to the best of my ability and there is LITERALLY nothing more that can be done. Continuing to harass me about it is nothing more than that - harassment. If you have continued feelings that you feel the need to express I suggest that you contact a financial advisor to assist you in your financial decision making & credit counseling. We are DIVORCED and fully financially separated which means that I no longer have any obligation to engage with you about this topic in any way, shape or form.
The only correspondence I will reply to from this moment forward are those relative to our children - but be warned that if you decide to continually bombard me with a barrage of useless, harassing texts I WILL be checking into ways to legally stop you from doing so. I sincerely hope you decide to stop this juvenile behavior before it escalates further into something completely unnecessary."
But that's me!
Given the circumstances I'd give him ONE explanation -
"As you are fully aware, these issues have been resolved to the best of my ability and there is LITERALLY nothing more that can be done. Continuing to harass me about it is nothing more than that - harassment. If you have continued feelings that you feel the need to express I suggest that you contact a financial advisor to assist you in your financial decision making & credit counseling. We are DIVORCED and fully financially separated which means that I no longer have any obligation to engage with you about this topic in any way, shape or form.
The only correspondence I will reply to from this moment forward are those relative to our children - but be warned that if you decide to continually bombard me with a barrage of useless, harassing texts I WILL be checking into ways to legally stop you from doing so. I sincerely hope you decide to stop this juvenile behavior before it escalates further into something completely unnecessary."
But that's me!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I'm really sorry that he is stressing you out so much, but happy to see you here, Hopeful.
I think FireSprite's suggestion is more than generous. I was less generous; thinking a response like "oh well, that's life" to any text from him might do the trick... They are just two bullies - Don't let them defeat you!
I think FireSprite's suggestion is more than generous. I was less generous; thinking a response like "oh well, that's life" to any text from him might do the trick... They are just two bullies - Don't let them defeat you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
So, I am stuck in this cycle. My life is good until he texts and starts the cycle again. It happened yesterday. I slept about 30 mins last night. It actually causes me full blown panic attacks. Why does this man, whom I really cannot stand, hold such power over me?
He does not enforce a lot of his visitation. I let him get by w/so much because I know eventually he will try to use our daughter to get to me if he thinks he is not getting the job done. I just want peace and happiness for me and my girls, who are my life.
He does not enforce a lot of his visitation. I let him get by w/so much because I know eventually he will try to use our daughter to get to me if he thinks he is not getting the job done. I just want peace and happiness for me and my girls, who are my life.
you have legally untied yourself from him, you have financially untied yourself from him now its time to emotionally untie yourself from him, his new wife their new furniture and car and their life. And most of those things have nothing at all to do with your girls and keeping the peace or happiness for you and them.
That's all of THEIR drama that you need to untie yourself from. It's time to re-train your ex and set some truly healthy boundaries for YOURSELF.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,980
Hi Hopeful, congrats on all the steps you have taken to separate yourself from your XA. And sorry that there is still &*%$# going on.
I haven't been in your situation so am just trying to post a bit of internet support for you.
It does sound like these texts may be coming from his wife using his phone (hard to tell). At least if you insisted on voice mail, you would know it was him.
Let us know what works and may battalions of angels dive bomb your family!!!
I haven't been in your situation so am just trying to post a bit of internet support for you.
It does sound like these texts may be coming from his wife using his phone (hard to tell). At least if you insisted on voice mail, you would know it was him.
Let us know what works and may battalions of angels dive bomb your family!!!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Dear Hopeful,
I'm so sorry you have been feeling so stressed out and upset lately
I like Dandy's idea of a 'go phone' just for communication with him about the kids. You could keep your old phone but not tell him. That way, it is only used for him and about the kids--no texting. I like the idea of having someone else read/listen to his communications so that only the pertinent information about the kids can be relayed.
His logic, as an active alcoholic, is completely off. Sometimes, it is hard for us to not take the accusations personally, but bear in mind that it is the alcoholic self-survival at work.
Please breathe.
Please take the time to shore up your boundaries and protect your peace.
Please know that you are not to blame for all the problems in his life.
Please know that he was just as responsible as you for the family finances while you were married--you have done your part to fix that and hold no further responsibility.
Please hug your girls and enjoy your day!!
I'm so sorry you have been feeling so stressed out and upset lately
I like Dandy's idea of a 'go phone' just for communication with him about the kids. You could keep your old phone but not tell him. That way, it is only used for him and about the kids--no texting. I like the idea of having someone else read/listen to his communications so that only the pertinent information about the kids can be relayed.
His logic, as an active alcoholic, is completely off. Sometimes, it is hard for us to not take the accusations personally, but bear in mind that it is the alcoholic self-survival at work.
Please breathe.
Please take the time to shore up your boundaries and protect your peace.
Please know that you are not to blame for all the problems in his life.
Please know that he was just as responsible as you for the family finances while you were married--you have done your part to fix that and hold no further responsibility.
Please hug your girls and enjoy your day!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Hi hopeful! It's good to hear that you're okay--and yes, I do think you are!
I simply told my X what my new email and phone number were (for him only). It was so good to NOT have him popping up on my normal "feeds"...I told him I would be checking them once a week (you may need once a day). No phone conversations.
It was still too rough with his accusations and bullying, so my sister read them, called me and summarized, and she wrote the responses. You'd be surprised how few words she used.
You have been incredibly strong through all of this and taken more than your share of the burden. You owe him way less than you're allowing yourself to feel.
Don't forget how much you rock!!!
I simply told my X what my new email and phone number were (for him only). It was so good to NOT have him popping up on my normal "feeds"...I told him I would be checking them once a week (you may need once a day). No phone conversations.
It was still too rough with his accusations and bullying, so my sister read them, called me and summarized, and she wrote the responses. You'd be surprised how few words she used.
You have been incredibly strong through all of this and taken more than your share of the burden. You owe him way less than you're allowing yourself to feel.
Don't forget how much you rock!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Good Morning H! I was thinking about this last night:
.... and I wondered, why now? You've had to deal with him a lot on many different issues & have not dissolved quite the way that you describe here (I realize I'm making some broad assumptions here too ).
Is it HIM that triggers the panic or is it a combo of him being the one to trigger any feelings of shame/regret that you may still have about this?....
*that* kind of deeper, internal dialogue can be hard to separate from the rest when you have such an obvious trigger on the surface. Maybe you haven't gotten around to forgiving yourself for whatever part you feel like you played in the finances?
Just food for thought!
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
These communications should not put me into full blown panic attacks, but it really does
). Is it HIM that triggers the panic or is it a combo of him being the one to trigger any feelings of shame/regret that you may still have about this?....
I have never been a great money manager, and things did get behind while we were married, and after as well, that still had his name tied to it. I have paid it all off, but it hit both of our credit
Just food for thought!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh FS, I think you have hit the nail on the head.
I really do feel badly about the financial fallout. I feel at blame. Life was a lot easier when I felt like I had taken the high road, and well, he had not.
Earlier this year I did some counseling with a minister at our church who said the same thing, that I had to forgive myself. I am still a codependent.
I live in everlasting fear that he will take me to court and it will affect my daughter. You see, when we divorced (final in July 2014) his wife told him it was three years before you could modify for more custody. That is not true, it has to do with child support, which is not the issue at hand. However, he thinks that I believe.
So, of course, my mind always goes back to will he try to do that? Also, the 50/50 default passed in October in this state, so I am very scared that would favor him if he did try to modify. I also see that as a reason his behavior has been better with the girls, so he can go to court next year and tell a judge how he has changed. And honestly, they will believe him.
My DD is 11, old enough to give her opinion in the court. She is also very mature for her age, and articulates herself very, very well. She would HATE if her father got even one more day. I don't know why I fear this so much b/c he does not even exercise his time he could have w/her during the week. I told his wife earlier this year that he could, that he could come pick her up after school on that day and I could bring her home around 9:00 that evening. It's his choice not to do so.
He knows that I would do anything in the world for my girls. So there it is I guess. Fear, and guilt that I don't know how to get past. Just typing this brings tears to my eyes b/c it makes me realize how far I have NOT come, when I thought I had made more progress than this.
I am also struggling in that I have no desire to date anyone, and really have to force myself to socialize outside of my family. I did go to a trivia night w/a friend the other night, and that was good. I almost backed out, but did not. I am happier at home with my kids and animals than people. For a long time I would not do much on his weekends because I was always scared I would have to go pick my daughter up due to his drinking (that happened, a lot). However, that has not happened in a long time. So I really need to get outside of my box and do more things socially.
I was just elected to the Youth board at church, so that will begin soon. I do other things that I am busy with. However, that is not the same as doing social things. I did try in the summer, however, everyone just wants to go to bars. I am definitely not into that scene. Even a few mins ago I went to the dentist, and an old friend whom I usto hang out with works there. She invited me to a paint party, fun. She then told me we would have a designated driver so we can drink in the back seat on the way. Sigh. That is just not for me.
I am trying to dig deeper, but I just cannot see past this. Just yesterday I emailed him dates to my daughter's Xmas programs w/school b/c earlier in the weekend (before my Sunday evening texting blast) I had told him I would. Tickets are required, and I had said I could get his with mine as they will just send them home from school w/her. So, he never emailed me back. Fine, not my problem. Why does that give me anxiety? I have done my part. I just don't understand myself even.
On a happier note, we are getting a puppy tomorrow. He is a 12 week old Maltipoo who will likely be a huge pain in my rear end, however, it's done. My mom, my girls, and myself will all road trip to pick him up. We are quite excited and it should be fun. My mom is of great support to me, and I will be spending the rest of the week around my family, my rocks.
Thank you all for getting me thinking, and of course for your wonderful support. Many hugs!
I really do feel badly about the financial fallout. I feel at blame. Life was a lot easier when I felt like I had taken the high road, and well, he had not.
Earlier this year I did some counseling with a minister at our church who said the same thing, that I had to forgive myself. I am still a codependent.
I live in everlasting fear that he will take me to court and it will affect my daughter. You see, when we divorced (final in July 2014) his wife told him it was three years before you could modify for more custody. That is not true, it has to do with child support, which is not the issue at hand. However, he thinks that I believe.
So, of course, my mind always goes back to will he try to do that? Also, the 50/50 default passed in October in this state, so I am very scared that would favor him if he did try to modify. I also see that as a reason his behavior has been better with the girls, so he can go to court next year and tell a judge how he has changed. And honestly, they will believe him.
My DD is 11, old enough to give her opinion in the court. She is also very mature for her age, and articulates herself very, very well. She would HATE if her father got even one more day. I don't know why I fear this so much b/c he does not even exercise his time he could have w/her during the week. I told his wife earlier this year that he could, that he could come pick her up after school on that day and I could bring her home around 9:00 that evening. It's his choice not to do so.
He knows that I would do anything in the world for my girls. So there it is I guess. Fear, and guilt that I don't know how to get past. Just typing this brings tears to my eyes b/c it makes me realize how far I have NOT come, when I thought I had made more progress than this.
I am also struggling in that I have no desire to date anyone, and really have to force myself to socialize outside of my family. I did go to a trivia night w/a friend the other night, and that was good. I almost backed out, but did not. I am happier at home with my kids and animals than people. For a long time I would not do much on his weekends because I was always scared I would have to go pick my daughter up due to his drinking (that happened, a lot). However, that has not happened in a long time. So I really need to get outside of my box and do more things socially.
I was just elected to the Youth board at church, so that will begin soon. I do other things that I am busy with. However, that is not the same as doing social things. I did try in the summer, however, everyone just wants to go to bars. I am definitely not into that scene. Even a few mins ago I went to the dentist, and an old friend whom I usto hang out with works there. She invited me to a paint party, fun. She then told me we would have a designated driver so we can drink in the back seat on the way. Sigh. That is just not for me.
I am trying to dig deeper, but I just cannot see past this. Just yesterday I emailed him dates to my daughter's Xmas programs w/school b/c earlier in the weekend (before my Sunday evening texting blast) I had told him I would. Tickets are required, and I had said I could get his with mine as they will just send them home from school w/her. So, he never emailed me back. Fine, not my problem. Why does that give me anxiety? I have done my part. I just don't understand myself even.
On a happier note, we are getting a puppy tomorrow. He is a 12 week old Maltipoo who will likely be a huge pain in my rear end, however, it's done. My mom, my girls, and myself will all road trip to pick him up. We are quite excited and it should be fun. My mom is of great support to me, and I will be spending the rest of the week around my family, my rocks.
Thank you all for getting me thinking, and of course for your wonderful support. Many hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I am trying to dig deeper, but I just cannot see past this. Just yesterday I emailed him dates to my daughter's Xmas programs w/school b/c earlier in the weekend (before my Sunday evening texting blast) I had told him I would. Tickets are required, and I had said I could get his with mine as they will just send them home from school w/her. So, he never emailed me back. Fine, not my problem. Why does that give me anxiety? I have done my part. I just don't understand myself even.
Congrats on the puppy!!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You've gotten some great suggestions, and I think the counseling sounds like an excellent plan. Sorry you're still dealing with crap from him.
Just wanted to say hi--we've missed you!
Just wanted to say hi--we've missed you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
H,
Ugh!! I am so sorry you are going through this.
There is no reason why you need to have all this contact with your xah. None. You need to have a frank talk with him that you need your space and unless it is emergency child related, please stop the communication. That's it. Tell him if it doesn't stop you will block him. You are circling the toilet bowl again. You know all of this my friend, you have been here for many years, you have given this advice to all of us.
There is no reason you need to answer every question he asks. He is not your husband, have his wife figure it out, its not your job. You are not being mean, by trying to move on in life. If you allow this to continue, he will suck you dry, and that is what he seems to be doing to you.
Have the talk, and follow through. There is nothing wrong with not engaging with your x. I understand that you don't want to "rock the boat", since he is doing so well. He is doing wonderful and you are having a nervous break down. Typical codie behavior, putting everyone in front of you.
Hugs my friend, you have done this before, you can do it again. Deep breath and 1 day at a time.
Ugh!! I am so sorry you are going through this.
There is no reason why you need to have all this contact with your xah. None. You need to have a frank talk with him that you need your space and unless it is emergency child related, please stop the communication. That's it. Tell him if it doesn't stop you will block him. You are circling the toilet bowl again. You know all of this my friend, you have been here for many years, you have given this advice to all of us.
There is no reason you need to answer every question he asks. He is not your husband, have his wife figure it out, its not your job. You are not being mean, by trying to move on in life. If you allow this to continue, he will suck you dry, and that is what he seems to be doing to you.
Have the talk, and follow through. There is nothing wrong with not engaging with your x. I understand that you don't want to "rock the boat", since he is doing so well. He is doing wonderful and you are having a nervous break down. Typical codie behavior, putting everyone in front of you.
Hugs my friend, you have done this before, you can do it again. Deep breath and 1 day at a time.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
How about blocking his number unless he has your daughter? Or get the txt mssg others are talking about that requires a third party. My xa is a narcissist so when I act coldly towards him, it is rather effective. If he tries to talk about something that I do not want to engage in I simply say that I really don't care about his problems and then veer the convo back to the topic of our son. Or just delete the txt without reading them. I can set my phone to no notifications. that allows that the little flag doesn't pop up to alert you of a new mssg.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,980
Hi hopeful, I hope you figure out the text/phone problem. You seem super intelligent and have had lots of suggestions so let us know what works.
I'm with you on the getting out and doing something fun. Fun is not something I'm good at. Come over to the women's forum and join us on the "What did you do for yourself today thread?"
Big hug to you. I hope the holidays go well.
I'm with you on the getting out and doing something fun. Fun is not something I'm good at. Come over to the women's forum and join us on the "What did you do for yourself today thread?"
Big hug to you. I hope the holidays go well.
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