Tryingin2016

After years I asked him to leave. I told him I'm filing for divorce on Monday. He left about 2 hours ago and I feel horrible. I can't stop crying. I know it had to be done. I just couldn't deal with the drinking any more. And we have kids. I just feel so awful like I abandoned him. If I let him back home I know I'll never ask him to leave again because it is so hard & this hurts so much.

I found this website trying to find some answers. I don't even know what the questions are.

I don't know what I'm trying to say. I just want someone to tell me it will be better tomorrow.

53500

Trying, so sorry you're in such pain. I'm sure you have good reasons for filing for divorce. No one does that lightly. Even so, any divorce, any breakup, is extremely painful. Worse when you have kids. If you read in this forum you will find many, many stories of men and women in your same situation.

I promise you: it *absolutely* gets better! Maybe not tomorrow but it absolutely, positively gets better. It'll take time. You might second guess your decision. Your husband might be back with promises to change. Listen to his actions, not his words.

If his drinking drove you to this wrenching decision - well it had to be pretty awful, and I'm guessing it was awful for a long time. As long he keeps drinking it would only get worse for you and your kids.

Hugs to you. You will have lots of support here. And don't worry, you will not always be in pain, it'll get way, way better. Guaranteed.

Maudcat

Welcome to Sober Recovery, Trying. I am sorry you are feeling so sad right now. I imagine that you didn't arrive at your decision lightly. I encourage you to read the information posted as "stickies" at the top of this site's main menu. Lots of good info about alcohol dependency and how it impacts families. I'm sure others will be along to welcome you shortly. Peace.

PhoenixJ

Tryin- you are in pain. Grief of what once was but knowing you have a life to live and you need to do so with peace, hope and safety. You are doing a good thing for you. Every one of us has our own path to go on. I cannot take away the hurt, pain and anger you are probably feeling. My alcoholism caused so much damage to my family and our divorce finalised last week. Through this process I have learnt and agreed to my ex's requests- the least I could do. How to make amends? Well I know not to reintroduce myself on their lives. Not a boast- but a message of support for you- as my family needs- to get on with your life. You need to feel safe and take your life off hold. The path is not one to do alone- post here, have you gone to any Al-Anon ( for family affected by alcoholics) meetings? I do not know you of course- but one thing to bear in mind is perhaps seeing a doctor to review your physical self- alcoholics play havoc on the health of others- sleep, diet, flu etc. Also maybe depression that can creep up on the unwary. You have taken a brave step to getting your life back. That takes strength. I hope you find peace. Stay safe- always and do not give into the lies targeted through manipulating you through emotional blackmail and the 'this time I meant it' promises. Sending my prayers, PJ

maia1234

T,
I am so sorry for you pain. So many of us have been there. It takes a long time to go through the process of divorce. If by chance he gets his act together then you can change your mind. So your decision today if not a death sentence.

I would also recommend hitting an open aa meeting or alanon meeting. Its nice to have face to face support. I would highly recommend trying to limit conversation with your ah. The more contact, them more pain you feel.

Sending hugs my friend, you can do this, Stick with us, post often, we are all here for you!!

Bekindalways

^^^^ This

T, I'm so so glad that you have found us. Welcome.

It will indeed get better but better will take some time.

Please stick around and let us know how you are doing. Lots of support here.

Eauchiche

Dear Trying
My heart goes out to you!
You HAD to think about your children. Asking your husband to leave was for THEM.
I hope we can be a support to you during this difficult time.

Tryingin2016

Thanks for the kind words.

I guess I just feel so bad for the man he was & the man he could have/should have been.

I grew up with an awful AF. I swore I would never expose my children or myself to alcoholism. I dont know how it all happened.

I'm hoping this is a wake up call & he gets help. I do have to come up with a plan to not let him come back because he literally left with just a bag of a few clothes. He has to comeback to get his stuff. I told him i would help him get an apartment.

Part of me is wondering if he is drunk right now calling me a f'in b****h. Or if he is trying to figure out a way to get his life back.

I will definitely stick around this forum. I hope tomorrow will bring some glimmer of hope to finally have a normal life. Maybe the kids can finally invite friends over.

mm127

I'm new too, so I don't have any advice, I'm close to being in the same boat. For what it's worth, I think you should be proud of yourself for having the courage to make this decision at all. I keep struggling with it. You just took the first step toward a better life for yourself and your children. If he can get help, maybe there can be a future together. Nothing is set in stone. Good luck. Hugs to you.

PhoenixJ

Be very careful with the clothes and finding a place to live stuff. May enable him to find leverage to stay in your life....just until the next drink. That's what I did.

Tryingin2016

I see what you are saying. I need to rethink this.

dandylion

Trying.....don't second guess yourself. You must have good reason to take this action for your children.
I applaud you for thinking about your children.
It absolutely will get better!
You have more strength than you know...we all do.....
Keep coming here to post....you need lots of support, right now...

PhoenixJ

That is when I became cunning. A lot like Gollum lusting over 'his precious'. Anything and everything was up for auction. I would have challenged the devil at the gates of hell to get to my next drink. Anyway I could Well, I tell myself (being cunning and clever) if I go to AA, the doctor and admit I drink- then I am getting better. That way if I drink more- then I have admitted I drink, am doing stuff so then can act all offended, sulk and make it every bodies fault but mine. Then I could tell myself- to hell with them, they do not understand how hard my life is- mars, all that toilet paper, the stress of lying and hiding my stash. I am just going to drink- see how they like thems apples! And so the cycle continued. Too much damage, too much pain.

53500

He's a grown man, right? Let him get his own apartment.

If it's been his habit to say cruel, profane things to you - totally unacceptable. You do not deserve that and it's awesome you stood up for yourself. You deserve respect.

Perhaps he's trying to figure out how to get his life back. That is his problem to figure out, his journey to take if he wants to. Leave him to it. There is a ton of help out there if he wants it.

Keep posting! Glad you are here.

Bekindalways

Hey T, it is super hard to do but it is always best not to do anything for an A that they can do themselves. He can figure this out on his own. Work on you, get to a meeting and take care of those kids.

Pretty much all of us here here have been through what you are experiencing. It is no joke and beyond painful: can't stop crying, can't sleep, obsess over the alcoholic. We will do everything we can to support you.

May every angel in the universe dive-bomb you!

maia1234

T,
There is a saying on SR
If you leave and he gets sober, good for you.
If you leave and he doesn't get sober, good for you.

Do your homework my friend. Educate yourself about the progressive, destructive disease of alcoholism. You are living it and it will get worse.

Thinking and wondering what he is doing is none of your business. He is an adult and needs to be treated with respect and dignity. Drinking is not illegal and he chooses to drink. He doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do, so it isn't his problem to fix, it is yours. Keep working a program and follow through with what you threaten to do. Don't say it and not follow through, as I am sure he doesn't believe you because you have said it so many times before. He might start the honeymoon period of not drinking or not letting you see him drinking and being a good boy... who knows.

Let him do his thing and you do yours. Your life will calm down a little and he will not longer be the center of the universe. Take care of yourself and your kids and follow Gods plan. Hugs my friend, we are all here for you!!

letitend

What Maia said. It all starts with *you* thinking about it differently.

I lived on hope for 10 years. Now he has a new gf driving around with him, 37, in a car that barely runs and has a breathalyzer unit he gets to blow in to start and to continue driving. I got off the merry-go-round just recently. When I realized it wasn't only *me* that experienced this type of cycle, it allowed me to slowly detach and make internal realizations of the path that I needed to go on. Even now, I still hope the best for him. But, he gets the chance to live life on his own terms (not mine) and learn (or not) what it takes to be responsible and accountable for his own choices. I no longer have to bear the weight of his choices to date.

So many times you will read this, but this choice that we have all made to be with the people in our lives, need to be done on your own timeline. If you are ready to leave, *fine, great, hooray*, but if not, that is OK too. I think the most important thing is to keep reading through the forum on SR. It is one of the best I have ever found. You can read about addiction, in general, from so many different perspectives. Here, I have learned (and accepted) that I didn't cause, can't control, and I can't cure it. I can only do that for myself.

Best wishes,
Letitend

Tryingin2016

Im reading every message over & over. I have so much to think about.

I'm so confused. Everything I thought I knew I am second guessing. This disease is awful & hurts so many people.

I have to speak with him soon to get our finances figured out. But I am going to let him figure out where he is going to live, how he will get treatment, etc.

This morning I feel a tiny bit better than yesterday. Today, I don't feel guilty for throwing him out. I just feel physically awful. I know that is the stress. My kids are not taking this too easy either.

I've been reading this website for hours. I've come to the realization that I have no power over alcoholism but I do have the power to help myself & my kids. I don't know how to help us yet but I will figure it out this week.

dandylion

Trying.....I am glad that you feel a "tiny bit better", this morning. I think that most things look a little better in the morning.
I don't think you sound "confused"..because you have taken some pretty decisive action, already, and have good logical thinking to support it.
I think what you call "confusion" is really fears about the future and the unknown.....which is very, very typical for any of us who are facing change.
We human beings don't much relish change of any kind...especially, life changing ones.

My question, to you, is...how can we help you? What things are you most fearful of?
There is a lot of experience and understanding , on this forum, from those who have walked in your shoes.....

maia1234

T,
You say "you don't know how to help us yet but I will figure it out".

I want you to check out the Adult children of alcoholics forum on SR. You will see so many stories of adult children that are so "injured" by their alcoholic parent. The scars are very deep for the members. Your children don't deserve to see what they see. That is my biggest regret that my kids saw their Dad for 20 something years doing inappropriate things, driving drunk, smelling like weed, kicking holes in the walls,fighting in front of them and so on.

You are blessing your kids with a loving mom who was barely functioning, trying to keep peace with an addict, take care of the kids, take care of the home, work full time and everything else you were doing. This is the best thing you can do for them and you. I am sure it was not a healthy environment for anyone. I am sure if you open up a little about Dads drinking, you will hear wacky things that the kids witnessed and you never new.

You will be ok my friend. Let him figure out his addiction and what he can do for it. Love him from a distance, its ok. Sometimes we can't live anymore with the people we "love". I divorced the man I loved for 34 years, because it was truly the best thing for me and my kids, not because I didn't love him, still do in a way. This is not a race. Take your time and let everything fall into place the way its is suppose too.