Having trouble sorting out my feelings
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 34
Having trouble sorting out my feelings
So, I am having a constant influx of thoughts and feelings that I can't sift through fast enough. Nothing specific has happened. I still find myself in limbo, waiting to see if my AH stays sober. I am torn because he is not drinking, has been dry for 3 months, taking naltrexone, still no counseling or AA, but remains sober. This is good, and I know that, I am happy about that.
But I constantly worry about what happens when the pills stop, I am going out of town soon for a few days and worry about him slipping, probably not with alcohol more likely pot. He is short tempered, gets mad when things don't go his way, if I or someone else irritates him, pouts when he doesn't get sex, until he does. We argue about child rearing decisions, if I question his side of an idea or argument he shuts down, won't talk.
This is a man I have loved for 20 years. I love him, I hate him, I am both attracted and not attracted to him. I want a future with him and I want to run away as quickly as possible. I don't know if these feelings are temporary or not. I struggle to connect with him, and at the same time just want to be left alone. I feel like I need to just suck it up, get over everything, move forward and I try. Then he does or says something, usually nothing huge, and I just cringe at the person standing before me.
I realize this is all just a bunch of silly ramblings but I just needed to let the words fall out of my head. I had hoped it would bring clarity, but alas just tears.
Thanks for letting me ramble.
But I constantly worry about what happens when the pills stop, I am going out of town soon for a few days and worry about him slipping, probably not with alcohol more likely pot. He is short tempered, gets mad when things don't go his way, if I or someone else irritates him, pouts when he doesn't get sex, until he does. We argue about child rearing decisions, if I question his side of an idea or argument he shuts down, won't talk.
This is a man I have loved for 20 years. I love him, I hate him, I am both attracted and not attracted to him. I want a future with him and I want to run away as quickly as possible. I don't know if these feelings are temporary or not. I struggle to connect with him, and at the same time just want to be left alone. I feel like I need to just suck it up, get over everything, move forward and I try. Then he does or says something, usually nothing huge, and I just cringe at the person standing before me.
I realize this is all just a bunch of silly ramblings but I just needed to let the words fall out of my head. I had hoped it would bring clarity, but alas just tears.
Thanks for letting me ramble.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I think you said pretty clearly things we've all felt.
For me they were. BUT while I had them deep, down I knew that where I was in my life was not where I wanted to be. Stick around here, keep reading, keep writing your feelings! You don't have to know or decide anything this second. It's ok to be in this discomfort for a little bit, I believe things will become clearer to you if you focus on your feelings and needs.
I don't know if these feelings are temporary or not.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
JJ,
I don't mean to be tough, but what do you want? You want a compassionate, understanding, considerate, loving, responsible husband. Take the alcohol out of the picture (he's not drinking) do you have any of that? Did you ever have that before his drinking escalated?
I hate to say that I think you have a picture in your mind of what you want in a marriage (yes you do love him), but for what you want him to be, not who he really is. At some point you need to realize that this is your husband. He is choosing not to work a program, even after 3 months sober.
At some point in your life you will have to accept him for who he really is, or move forward in life, my friend..... I took your post and put it in bullets. We all need to put stuff in black and white to understand our heads.....
I am having a constant influx
I still find myself in limbo, waiting to see if my AH stays sober.
still no counseling or AA, but remains sober.
But I constantly worry about what happens when the pills stop,
I am going out of town soon for a few days and worry about him slipping, probably not with alcohol more likely pot.
He is short tempered,
gets mad when things don't go his way,
if I or someone else irritates him,
pouts when he doesn't get sex, until he does.
We argue about child rearing decisions,
if I question his side of an idea or argument he shuts down, won't talk.
This is a man I have loved for 20 years. I love him, I hate him,
I am both attracted and not attracted to him.
I want a future with him and I want to run away as quickly as possible
I struggle to connect with him, and at the same time just want to be left alone.
Then he does or says something, usually nothing huge, and I just cringe at the person standing before me.
Is this truly the life you want to continue living?
I don't mean to be tough, but what do you want? You want a compassionate, understanding, considerate, loving, responsible husband. Take the alcohol out of the picture (he's not drinking) do you have any of that? Did you ever have that before his drinking escalated?
I hate to say that I think you have a picture in your mind of what you want in a marriage (yes you do love him), but for what you want him to be, not who he really is. At some point you need to realize that this is your husband. He is choosing not to work a program, even after 3 months sober.
At some point in your life you will have to accept him for who he really is, or move forward in life, my friend..... I took your post and put it in bullets. We all need to put stuff in black and white to understand our heads.....
I am having a constant influx
I still find myself in limbo, waiting to see if my AH stays sober.
still no counseling or AA, but remains sober.
But I constantly worry about what happens when the pills stop,
I am going out of town soon for a few days and worry about him slipping, probably not with alcohol more likely pot.
He is short tempered,
gets mad when things don't go his way,
if I or someone else irritates him,
pouts when he doesn't get sex, until he does.
We argue about child rearing decisions,
if I question his side of an idea or argument he shuts down, won't talk.
This is a man I have loved for 20 years. I love him, I hate him,
I am both attracted and not attracted to him.
I want a future with him and I want to run away as quickly as possible
I struggle to connect with him, and at the same time just want to be left alone.
Then he does or says something, usually nothing huge, and I just cringe at the person standing before me.
Is this truly the life you want to continue living?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 34
Not wrong
Thank you all for your comments and you blunt questions. I appreciate them both, they give me a lot to think about.
Ultimately it comes down to two questions I think:
Am I asking for too much?
Or am I asking for more than he can give?
Lots for me to think about...
Thank you
Ultimately it comes down to two questions I think:
Am I asking for too much?
Or am I asking for more than he can give?
Lots for me to think about...
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Hon, none of us are asking for to much by having a normal health relationship with a man we love. Our problem is that our husbands love something more then us and we fight our whole marriage to be number one. It never happened in my 34 year relationship together. I didn't think i was asking to much, that's why I left, because I accepted the fact that he could never give me what I needed.
You have plenty of time to ponder this, as you are in no hurry my friend. Sending hugs and clarity to you!!
You have plenty of time to ponder this, as you are in no hurry my friend. Sending hugs and clarity to you!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think your second question is the key, here. Alcoholics are typically unable to focus on the well-being of anyone but themselves. It's not unreasonable to want a partnership with one's partner. It's unreasonable, though, to want a partnership with someone incapable of holding up his end of the partnership.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
jjnorris.....I hope you will invest in yourself by seeking your own counseling and a support group like analon, or similar group...for yourself and your own feelings.
Just because he won't seek a program of help, doesn't mean that you can't....
Isn't it about time that you attend to your own needs and wants?
Just because he won't seek a program of help, doesn't mean that you can't....
Isn't it about time that you attend to your own needs and wants?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
You are not asking too much. Those behaviors you describe - quick to anger, sulking, pouting, can't handle being contradicted - my exh did that too and was not addicted to anything.
Are you asking more than he can give? Sure seems that way, since you're with him 20 years and this is who he is, sober. Add in the anxiety of a relapse - that's who he is, too. That doubt comes with the package.
My exh was (and is) a good man in a lot of ways. We had a lot of fun and a lot of laughs in our time together. But the darkness inside him (that's how I thought of it - his temper, negativity, instability) were too much for me to handle, in the end. It took about 20 years to get to the end btw. We are so much better off apart.
I pray for peace and clarity for you, friend.
Are you asking more than he can give? Sure seems that way, since you're with him 20 years and this is who he is, sober. Add in the anxiety of a relapse - that's who he is, too. That doubt comes with the package.
My exh was (and is) a good man in a lot of ways. We had a lot of fun and a lot of laughs in our time together. But the darkness inside him (that's how I thought of it - his temper, negativity, instability) were too much for me to handle, in the end. It took about 20 years to get to the end btw. We are so much better off apart.
I pray for peace and clarity for you, friend.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi 53500,
My therapist, who is also an addiction counselor, says that even if/when a person is in recovery, it takes a long time before they are healthy enough to really be in a relationship. Like years. And 3 mos. sober without a program doesn't really sound like recovery. We have this discussion because I left my STBXAH a year ago and he isn't in recovery, even though I see glimpses of his old self occasionally.
Also, I wanted to point out that limbo is also a place. It may feel frustrating to be there, but don't beat yourself up about it. It takes time to get to the point where we're ready to move forward and start creating the life we want.
And . . . if you do start to think about moving on, let yourself imagine the life you really want and then figure out what baby steps you can take to move in that direction. I was in a similar place to yours but a year ago I found my small condo overlooking the ocean (I'm watching the wind and waves as I write) and step by step, with a lot of help from my friends and this board, I got myself and my children to this safe, peaceful, place. For me, visualizing the life I wanted helped me to create it.
My therapist, who is also an addiction counselor, says that even if/when a person is in recovery, it takes a long time before they are healthy enough to really be in a relationship. Like years. And 3 mos. sober without a program doesn't really sound like recovery. We have this discussion because I left my STBXAH a year ago and he isn't in recovery, even though I see glimpses of his old self occasionally.
Also, I wanted to point out that limbo is also a place. It may feel frustrating to be there, but don't beat yourself up about it. It takes time to get to the point where we're ready to move forward and start creating the life we want.
And . . . if you do start to think about moving on, let yourself imagine the life you really want and then figure out what baby steps you can take to move in that direction. I was in a similar place to yours but a year ago I found my small condo overlooking the ocean (I'm watching the wind and waves as I write) and step by step, with a lot of help from my friends and this board, I got myself and my children to this safe, peaceful, place. For me, visualizing the life I wanted helped me to create it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
What I learned in Alanon was to stop waiting on someone else to stay sober, show affection, stop lying, being abusive -- change whatever -- and deal with my codependency that kept me stuck in an unhealthy relationship. It isn't about what someone else does or doesn't do, it's about me, my attitudes, that made a difference.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Hmmm.
Well, it's hard to let go....even if you are letting go of something that is not healthy. It's what you know and parts of him you still love and may always love....
But, there comes a time when you just need to love yourself first. He won't like it; he'll put up some sort of ruckus. Because he wants to 'hang on' to the you he is accustomed to as well...but mostly, he wants to hang on to his addiction and it sounds like he has not really 'let go' of THAT....
So, in a way....you are BOTH hanging on to something that you need to let go of in order to really have peace in your lives. He will never really have peace as long as he is not in true recovery. And you will not have peace either.
Sometimes, there comes a point in which you are simply willing to do "whatever it takes" to have peace. And that may not be an easy bridge to cross and there will be some hard ladders to climb. But, it sounds like you are ready to take that on or close to being ready. Can you cross the hurdle of springing into a new life for yourself and leaving the old life behind?
In my long convoluted dream last night there was the old and the new and a combination of both....but there was also this treacherous 'bridge' I needed to cross; to master. I had some help along the way and at the 'end' of that bridge I was helping another take the final step across before the 'bridge' collapsed. But I got to safety and helped the person behind me to safety and it was a close call. But after we mastered the bridge we were set free to go on to something less treacherous.
Then, further on in my dream, there was a ladder I needed to climb to get back 'home' again. I was very tired, fatigued as I had just swam a long ways and then there was a ladder to climb to get me out of the water and onto the 'deck' and back inside our home. Weird? Maybe, maybe not. This was only a very small part of my dream. My "goal" was to eventually get back onto the walking path I took many a time for fitness/health/serenity. That seemed to be toward the end of my dream...was to get back to that path and I was having a hard time getting there....so a friend offered to take me on a short cut in his little water craft over to the trail....okay...seemed like a good plan...except he was going all over the place and not getting me to the trail....I realized I was going to have to find that path another way maybe on my own and take the "long way", but a way I knew was 'sure' and would get me there....
These features seemed to be like big metaphors in what we all go through for recovery....we need to find the healthy path and it can seem evasive and hard to find at times...but we KNOW it's there; we just need to find it....the dream ended in which I was going to continue my search to the path I knew I needed to be on. In my heart/mind/spirit I just knew this was something I needed to do for myself. I had to break-away from all the 'stuff' holding me back or leading me astray....or making my journey more difficult.
Well, it's hard to let go....even if you are letting go of something that is not healthy. It's what you know and parts of him you still love and may always love....
But, there comes a time when you just need to love yourself first. He won't like it; he'll put up some sort of ruckus. Because he wants to 'hang on' to the you he is accustomed to as well...but mostly, he wants to hang on to his addiction and it sounds like he has not really 'let go' of THAT....
So, in a way....you are BOTH hanging on to something that you need to let go of in order to really have peace in your lives. He will never really have peace as long as he is not in true recovery. And you will not have peace either.
Sometimes, there comes a point in which you are simply willing to do "whatever it takes" to have peace. And that may not be an easy bridge to cross and there will be some hard ladders to climb. But, it sounds like you are ready to take that on or close to being ready. Can you cross the hurdle of springing into a new life for yourself and leaving the old life behind?
In my long convoluted dream last night there was the old and the new and a combination of both....but there was also this treacherous 'bridge' I needed to cross; to master. I had some help along the way and at the 'end' of that bridge I was helping another take the final step across before the 'bridge' collapsed. But I got to safety and helped the person behind me to safety and it was a close call. But after we mastered the bridge we were set free to go on to something less treacherous.
Then, further on in my dream, there was a ladder I needed to climb to get back 'home' again. I was very tired, fatigued as I had just swam a long ways and then there was a ladder to climb to get me out of the water and onto the 'deck' and back inside our home. Weird? Maybe, maybe not. This was only a very small part of my dream. My "goal" was to eventually get back onto the walking path I took many a time for fitness/health/serenity. That seemed to be toward the end of my dream...was to get back to that path and I was having a hard time getting there....so a friend offered to take me on a short cut in his little water craft over to the trail....okay...seemed like a good plan...except he was going all over the place and not getting me to the trail....I realized I was going to have to find that path another way maybe on my own and take the "long way", but a way I knew was 'sure' and would get me there....
These features seemed to be like big metaphors in what we all go through for recovery....we need to find the healthy path and it can seem evasive and hard to find at times...but we KNOW it's there; we just need to find it....the dream ended in which I was going to continue my search to the path I knew I needed to be on. In my heart/mind/spirit I just knew this was something I needed to do for myself. I had to break-away from all the 'stuff' holding me back or leading me astray....or making my journey more difficult.
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