Trading one roller coaster for another...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Hi Petunia..I'm cautiously optimistic. It has made me realize something you posted a long time ago in helping me with boundaries. They really aren't something you just get one day...the come with time. 10 days ago, my boundary was the drinking, now it's much more. Now, it's knowing that he is 100% committed to working on recovery and having a healthy home for our children. The rate I'm going it may be something more drastic in 2 weeks, but for today - I am hopefull. Thanks so much for all your wisdom. You are always in my thoughts and I am grateful for you.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Excellent!! I am so happy for you.
It IS about so much more - we all have to understand that. Not settling for second best. We are much much more important than that.
I am so so proud of you Peaches. You managed to have a real live "adult" conversation and he has responded to that, rather than acting as a child.
You are a star.
Love
Minnie
xx
p.s. baby steps, remember?
It IS about so much more - we all have to understand that. Not settling for second best. We are much much more important than that.
I am so so proud of you Peaches. You managed to have a real live "adult" conversation and he has responded to that, rather than acting as a child.
You are a star.
Love
Minnie
xx
p.s. baby steps, remember?
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
I also see alot of things in your relationship, in mine 
I've been taking care of things so long... It's been over 2 yrs (living together) & he has contributed next to nothing in the scope of things... Then he has the nerve to yell and tell me I'm all about the money...??? Seems to me that my money has been going down the toilet, as it is, either out the one way or up the other... I don't have any children (married twice, addict the 1st, 2nd a sober alcoholic, now this...) I have come to the conclusion, that I am Very Grateful, not to have children. For the way my life has gone, so far, I would have at least One or more, Biggest pain in the *$# kid ever.... but then to think about it I already have one now. He has a business or let me rephrase that, I helped him get his business back, sic and now I am stuck... He supposively quit drinking (because he wasn't feeling well), but yet he manages to slip up telling me how he takes someone else to the bar and he doesn't have any money to drink (he's probably running up a tab) Don't cha just wanna puke on the bar that lets them do that, repeated, or he was making a business arrangement (and you can't spend just $3, doing this, can't I see this???) in the meantime, there are unpaid business bills & my name is involved in this. Basically I don't know what to do... But unlike one poster here, that wants to pay down her debt and can do it better staying with him. I don't think that is my situation. It will take a while for me to do it on my own, but I think in the long run, it maybe the only way it does get paid. But I think there will be lots of reprecussions from all of this.... and it's not even my business. I have been working lots of overtime, as it is. well tommorrow is another day of work, take care, chrisea
I've been taking care of things so long... It's been over 2 yrs (living together) & he has contributed next to nothing in the scope of things... Then he has the nerve to yell and tell me I'm all about the money...??? Seems to me that my money has been going down the toilet, as it is, either out the one way or up the other... I don't have any children (married twice, addict the 1st, 2nd a sober alcoholic, now this...) I have come to the conclusion, that I am Very Grateful, not to have children. For the way my life has gone, so far, I would have at least One or more, Biggest pain in the *$# kid ever.... but then to think about it I already have one now. He has a business or let me rephrase that, I helped him get his business back, sic and now I am stuck... He supposively quit drinking (because he wasn't feeling well), but yet he manages to slip up telling me how he takes someone else to the bar and he doesn't have any money to drink (he's probably running up a tab) Don't cha just wanna puke on the bar that lets them do that, repeated, or he was making a business arrangement (and you can't spend just $3, doing this, can't I see this???) in the meantime, there are unpaid business bills & my name is involved in this. Basically I don't know what to do... But unlike one poster here, that wants to pay down her debt and can do it better staying with him. I don't think that is my situation. It will take a while for me to do it on my own, but I think in the long run, it maybe the only way it does get paid. But I think there will be lots of reprecussions from all of this.... and it's not even my business. I have been working lots of overtime, as it is. well tommorrow is another day of work, take care, chrisea
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: lost in the wilderness
Posts: 4
Been there! My A took a job like that. I know that jobs that never get around to paying tend to be happy if you do any work at all. Translation: He may not be at work all day.
Also be aware that many A's switch to other drugs or drinks such a vodka which leave less of a smell. Still 10 days of sobriety is a start.
Also be aware that many A's switch to other drugs or drinks such a vodka which leave less of a smell. Still 10 days of sobriety is a start.
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
back to square one
Well, things have been going okay, but I swear I think he has been smoking pot. I don't know for sure and am wondering if I am just imagining it and/or going crazy. Twice now I've thought he was high because he came in and washed his hands and face real fast, then was acting in a way better mood than he was before. But, again - I have no real proof and am back in that codie spot where it's killing me to know! I keep stopping myself from snooping to find out - I want to because if he is, I want him to leave. But, then I keep thinking that that may be my codie behavior sneaking up on me. If I really didn't know, everything would be fine and he would be being a great husband/parent. So, am I being codie to want to know if that is why, because he is high? This just makes me so crazy. Is it that I want to control everything even if he is functioning normally, but is high. This is the part where I struggle. If he's high, but everything is great, should I let it go? Why do I feel like I HAVE to know? I guess maybe it's because then I'll know he was full of sh&& when we had our talk. I'm only willing to try this again if he is 100% committed and if he is smoking pot, clearly he's not - and then I want him to leave. This is the part of my being a codie that really makes me feel insane - this post probably even sounds insane. Help me...
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by Peaches04
... This is the part of my being a codie that really makes me feel insane - this post probably even sounds insane. Help me...
Now is a real good time to call your sponsor on the phone. If you can't get a hold of your sponsor then call somebody else from your real life meetings. Give them an opportunity to stay sane themselves while they listen to you :-)
Originally Posted by Peaches04
... Why do I feel like I HAVE to know?...
Whadya think?
Mike :-)
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Hi Mike - you're right. I'm fixing to go to bed and I'll re-read about letting go and detaching. Then maybe tomorrow I'll think better. I don't have a sponsor, but am starting to wish I did. I've been doing really good at most of the steps, but this suspecting and not knowing when so much is at stake...makes me crazy. I've detached all night and he's noticed and keeps asking what's wrong. It's all I can do to not say "You're HIGH!"...instead I say "nothing, just tired". Thanks for the advice Mike!
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
You go girl!
Originally Posted by Peaches04
... I'm fixing to go to bed and I'll re-read about letting go and detaching...
Originally Posted by Peaches04
... I don't have a sponsor, but am starting to wish I did...
Originally Posted by Peaches04
... I've detached all night ...
Originally Posted by Peaches04
... he's noticed and keeps asking what's wrong.
Originally Posted by Peaches04
... Thanks for the advice Mike! ...
Mike :-)
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Update time. I called my counselor (as I said earlier) and made an appt. for me and AH. Side bar - he also went to see a different counselor two times, but stopped going. As part of our 'talk', he decided he would go back. Now, he is saying he doesn't like that counselor because he (my AH) needs an 'action' plan, and not just to talk.
So, I told my counselor this. She called me back today and said she would like to make the session I scheduled, with me, her, my AH, and his counselor. I also told her that I had decided to 'let go' of worrying about the smoking pot thing and hadn't confronted him on it. She said that I have to bring that out in the session, and make sure he is being honest with his counselor, and is being held accountable. So, I will admit I'm nervous about this. I don't want him to think I ganged up on him just to call him on the carpet. But, I told the counselor I would do what they thought was the right thing, since clearly my way has not been working. So, I told her I'd check on it with my AH.
Wow! Did he get defensive!! I can understand a little, because I am nervous too, but - I repeat...wow! Did he get defensive!! He said "well, I don't really like that guy because I need a plan"..and I said that there is only so much a counselor can do, and he can't give him an "action" plan if AH is not willing to acknowledge the problem. I told him that if he gives him an action plan for an alcoholic, and AH doesn't think he is - than it wont work! For example, I said a plan for someone who is depressed, wont work for someone who is ADHD, or whatever. AH got very perturbed and said "can't we just get past this alcoholic BS and just come up with a plan for me to work on"... clearly, he is not ready to face the issue. He cut me off abruptly, said he would go, then hung up.
Why am I worried now about confronting him about the pot? I know he has, he broke his committment to me, for 3 days it's all I could do to scream "I KNOW" at him... but, since I decided to 'let go' and put it out of my mind... plus, I don't think he's been high for the last few days...(maybe that's it? maybe since I haven't had to see it, it's not having the same impact?) ANyway, now I feel kind of funny about bringing it up.
So, I told my counselor this. She called me back today and said she would like to make the session I scheduled, with me, her, my AH, and his counselor. I also told her that I had decided to 'let go' of worrying about the smoking pot thing and hadn't confronted him on it. She said that I have to bring that out in the session, and make sure he is being honest with his counselor, and is being held accountable. So, I will admit I'm nervous about this. I don't want him to think I ganged up on him just to call him on the carpet. But, I told the counselor I would do what they thought was the right thing, since clearly my way has not been working. So, I told her I'd check on it with my AH.
Wow! Did he get defensive!! I can understand a little, because I am nervous too, but - I repeat...wow! Did he get defensive!! He said "well, I don't really like that guy because I need a plan"..and I said that there is only so much a counselor can do, and he can't give him an "action" plan if AH is not willing to acknowledge the problem. I told him that if he gives him an action plan for an alcoholic, and AH doesn't think he is - than it wont work! For example, I said a plan for someone who is depressed, wont work for someone who is ADHD, or whatever. AH got very perturbed and said "can't we just get past this alcoholic BS and just come up with a plan for me to work on"... clearly, he is not ready to face the issue. He cut me off abruptly, said he would go, then hung up.
Why am I worried now about confronting him about the pot? I know he has, he broke his committment to me, for 3 days it's all I could do to scream "I KNOW" at him... but, since I decided to 'let go' and put it out of my mind... plus, I don't think he's been high for the last few days...(maybe that's it? maybe since I haven't had to see it, it's not having the same impact?) ANyway, now I feel kind of funny about bringing it up.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Peaches
Addicts break committments, we know that. To expect anything different is just setting ourselves up for a fall. Was it a boundary for you? If so, what's the consequence? If the consequence is you calling him on it, then don't feel afraid to do it. I have reached a point where I don't ASK my A b/f if he's been drinking, I tell him that I know he has. But not as the main issue, it's usually when he goes on about how he respects me, thinks about me quack, quack, quack. I then say I know he's been drinking and breaking promises and lying doesn't show his respect etc etc.
Just out of interest, what does he think the problem is? He says he wants a plan, but a plan for what exactly? ( there's a pretty good plan down at his local AA meeting!).
Hang in there, hon, you're doing great. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you have come on leaps and bounds in a very short time. It took a long time for all this to happen, it can't just be fixed overnight.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Addicts break committments, we know that. To expect anything different is just setting ourselves up for a fall. Was it a boundary for you? If so, what's the consequence? If the consequence is you calling him on it, then don't feel afraid to do it. I have reached a point where I don't ASK my A b/f if he's been drinking, I tell him that I know he has. But not as the main issue, it's usually when he goes on about how he respects me, thinks about me quack, quack, quack. I then say I know he's been drinking and breaking promises and lying doesn't show his respect etc etc.
Just out of interest, what does he think the problem is? He says he wants a plan, but a plan for what exactly? ( there's a pretty good plan down at his local AA meeting!).
Hang in there, hon, you're doing great. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you have come on leaps and bounds in a very short time. It took a long time for all this to happen, it can't just be fixed overnight.
Love
Minnie
xxx
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
HI Minnie..I wrote you back a long response, but it didn't make it for some reason. ugh! I wrote a post a while back called "Now What - help!" that kind of summarizes the whole deal. I should have posted my update to that. But, in short - I never really made it an official boundary, because I guess I believed him that he would get help and quit. (I know - dummy). Anyway, the drinking is the real issue - the pot is just his 'fall back' drug, since he knows if he drinks - that IS a boundary. but, I hate the pot every bit as much as the drinking.
What does he think is the problem??? Good question. We had that long 'adult' converation, and he said he understood and was going to get the AA book and make an appt with his counselor - really wanted help. Then all of the sudden - he doesn't need an AA book, he just needs a "self help" book... long story short - he is trying to blame it on anything BUT being an alcoholic. Although, he does have anger issues too.. It's just classic denial. Anything but being an alcoholic, I guess...
What does he think is the problem??? Good question. We had that long 'adult' converation, and he said he understood and was going to get the AA book and make an appt with his counselor - really wanted help. Then all of the sudden - he doesn't need an AA book, he just needs a "self help" book... long story short - he is trying to blame it on anything BUT being an alcoholic. Although, he does have anger issues too.. It's just classic denial. Anything but being an alcoholic, I guess...
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