CoParentToA

We share custody of two young children, and the parenting plan has them spending most of their time with him as he had a more flexible work schedule (read: he doesn't really work). They are not yet old enough to know when he is drinking or to alert me if there was an issue.

After years of his family's encouragement, he went through a recovery program last year. Coming out of that, he said that AA was "not for him" and began pursuing individual therapy after I caught him drunk at home with the kids mid-day.

Since then he's established a pattern of successfully abstaining (with monitoring) for 2-3 months, discontinuing monitoring for some "plausible" reason, then relapsing again. He's done it three times that I know of and likely a fourth time I hadn't recognized at the time.

It's been 2.5 months since his last relapse when I took legal action to force him to resume monitoring. In the past few weeks, I've seen both kids acting up, have seen some behavior that is consistent with XAH drinking, and I suspect that either he's been drinking in the hours between his evening and morning test - or he is really, really wanting to.

I told my husband this morning that I thought it was only a matter of time until he messed up or found a reason to discontinue monitoring.

Only hours later: I received a text from him saying that he is in a year-end financial crunch and can no longer afford to monitor.

He did not ask me if I would be willing to pay for it.

My initial instinct is to offer to pay so he can continue, but I'm feeling like the mechanism isn't giving me the confidence he's not drinking - it's just becoming a tool to limit his drinking to a certain level between specific hours. And I'm worried my kids are as impacted (more impacted?) by his state of mind when he's longing to drink more than when he's actively drinking as much as he likes, if that makes sense.

He receives almost six figures from me in annual support payments so I find it hard to believe he couldn't swing $200 a month. But it would appear that he's maxed his credit cards (payments for our kids' services are being declined). He's also told our nanny he no longer needs her and made references to cutting his gym membership and "other costs" which, if I know him, is his way of "telling" me he is dropping his therapist.

I think the SoberLink is the only thing keeping him either sober or sober-ish.

Am I overthinking my instinct to offer to pay for it?

If he discontinues monitoring, the most likely result would be a relapse. If so, I am ready to take legal action to pursue sole custody in court.

LexieCat

My bet is that he never really quit drinking--he just "managed" it around the device. I wouldn't offer a penny more than you're already paying. Let things play out as they do.

Hugs,

Maudcat

As long as the kids are safe, I would just wait to see what happens. Maybe be ready for the legal action/sole custody part? Sounds like he is in a money bind, or wants you to think he is, anyway. Wonder where all the money is going. Drink?

AnvilheadII

so if he doesn't monitor, he doesn't get the kids right???

im sure that is a problem somehow, but i'm not seeing it.

CoParentToA

He is voluntarily monitoring at this point, it is not court ordered.

So the result of him not monitoring is a continuing parenting schedule, only with me not knowing whether or not he is drinking. And likely, him relapsing, because I think SoberLink is the only thing that has been keeping him sober.

He tends not to drive when he drinks, but I think any time he's drunk while the kids are alone with him, they are not by definition safe. And that has definitely happened in the past.

Refiner

Wow that's a WHOLE LOT of $ he's ended up not having any more of. Might he have moved on to more expensive drugs that sober link doesn't detect?

Ariesagain

Your post said you took legal action to get him to resume monitoring? Can you do that again?

Since you have a nanny you trust and don't want to lose, maybe it's time to stop trying to do joint custody and go back to court to get your support payments reduced accordingly? He can't seem to manage on six figures from you plus whatever he's making and his financial mismanagement is affecting your children's care. He's also relapsed multiple times.

You know that your kids aren't really safe...time to play hardball?

CoParentToA

My attorney has suggested that, although it doesn't seem as likely as just the result of poor choices. He chose an expensive apartment when he moved a few months back, shops primarily at the gourmet grocery store, takes the kids out to eat, etc.

He's always had this magical thinking that he could afford to spend money in a manner he felt he deserved. His job always offered the potential for a big commission check that would come - someday. Even though he's made next to nothing for over a decade now.

Refiner

How much longer must you pay him that kind of alimony, maintenance or whatever you want to call it? When his gravy train runs out, he's sure in for a rude awakening!

dandylion

CoParent...it sounds like he is probably still drinking/drugs, to me.....
I certainly would not pay for any of his expenses.

I think you can expect him to push every boundary.

To me...I think that "individual counseling" is often a way to avoid getting into a solid program of recovery...like AA...

AnvilheadII

maybe you should go ahead and pursue sole custody. it doesn't sound like soberlink STOPPED him from drinking, just caused him to be somewhat creative. i doubt the $$ is the real problem here, more the time of year and all the parties and not wanting to hassle with needing to SOBER for those darn rugrats.........

CoParentToA

My attorney and I discussed the fact that we will likely get to a point where we have to pursue sole custody. We have already drafted the motion so that we can get into court within 24 hours of there being a problem.

I've got an email to him to see what he thinks, but I suspect that he will advise me to tell him that he needs to continue to monitor and see what the response is.

I don't think it is a money thing. I think it is all just a function of how long he can "white knuckle" his way through not drinking. His parents are a major trigger, and I suspect he realizes that he's not going to make it through the holidays without his old friend.

But because it is not a money thing, I'm curious regarding how he would respond if I just said, don't worry, I'll pay it. Would he say, "No, I can't let you do that?" How could he do anything but accept?

He's got roughly another year and change of alimony. Then it switches to child support at a lower rate. But because that is tax free, that, too, would be enough for him to basically live on, if he was smart about it. And assuming he didn't lose custody of the kids. If so, I could definitely fight to reduce or eliminate it.

Which would be good because it could force him to get a real job. I think staying in his current job certainly isn't helping the situation - no structure, no earnings, low self-esteem as a result, alcoholic boss. It's a recipe for disaster.

By the way, I lost all faith in his therapist when she emailed me to explain why he needed to stop monitoring and get back to his "real life" just one month after he relapsed. She told me how confident she was in the state of his recovery. He relapsed again days later. The only reason he went to her in the first place was to appease me when I caught him in a relapse, to "prove" to me how seriously he was about recovery by inviting me into the sessions. And then telling me that my relationship with his therapist was impeding his recovery.

Not sure what recovery looks like, but pretty sure this is not it.

LexieCat

Hm, you've got a point, there. Might be interesting to try calling his bluff. IF you can afford it, that is. If he rejects your offer, that right there is an interesting development--it's certainly possible to draw the inference that he doesn't want it because, well, he doesn't WANT it. And why would that be?

CoParentToA

He's smart enough to know how refusing to let me pay would look, I think. So I would expect him to take me up on it.

And then we just continue this purgatory of is-he-or-isn't-he-and-if-he-is-is-it-better-to-control-how-much game.

SoberLink is worth $200 - however I have to scrape it together - if I don't have to worry that my ex is drinking. The value equation becomes much more shady when it is a question of whether it's worth $200 to know that he may be drinking but not enough to trigger the system but MAYBE enough to be having an emotional impact on the kids.

I know the last thing you are supposed to do is to try to control the alcoholic, but it's a lot harder to weigh a course of action when there are young kids involved.

LexieCat

I think you may be overestimating the power of testing to keep him "sober-ish." I'd be surprised if he could maintain that level of control for very long, given the progressive nature of alcoholism. It's certainly an appealing thought, to feel that at least you're doing SOMETHING to keep disaster at bay, but realistically, I don't think it will work for long.

CoParentToA

I suppose that's a fair assessment. I've only seen monitoring work for 2 to 2.5 months at a stint. Once he gets to that point he either slips (forgotten SoberLink when traveling) or finds a plausible excuse to stop monitoring. And THEN relapses. Then I blow a whistle, he seems almost glad to be caught and is happy to start monitoring again.

Rinse, repeat.

CoParentToA

Spoke with my attorney and agreed on an action plan.

First I have told him that if he wants to make changes to the monitoring, we will need to discuss that with our mediator.

If history holds, he will NOT want to do this. He'll respond, "We don't need to meet with her, there is nothing to discuss, I can't afford it, etc."

Then I will offer to pay and see how he responds to that.

My attorney thinks that we either need a missed or positive test or a refusal to continue testing to take conclusive legal action. Forcing the issue by offering to pay is the best means to that end. My attorney's take is similar to Lexie's - eventually, if he is trying to drink between the tests, he is going to mess up.

Forward12

Sounds like a good plan and that's also a big plus that it seems that you have a good attorney. There is no reason why he can't continue if you offer to pay. If he does refuse, then getting it court ordered or perhaps AA or other required treatment on top of that may be a good option if he cares about your children.

CoParentToA

He's agreed to meet with the mediator. That's interesting / not what I was expecting.

But perhaps he knows that if he did not agree, I would just be contacting his attorney and then it would cost him money to ultimately end up in the same place.

And now it just becomes a question of whether or not he will follow through on the meeting itself. It would not be the first time he set up a meeting only to cancel it for "no need."

least

for you and the kids