XAH says he can no longer afford SoberLink

Old 11-25-2016, 06:51 PM
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Lexie's point above correlates with something that seems feasible with my STBXAH, too. When he's late or misses a test, and then offers what seems to be a plausible excuse, he's 'grooming' me so that when he really is drunk, I won't be able to call him on it. After all, if I didn't challenge him last time . . . (ugh).

I love Puzzled's idea about reversing the expectation to a bonus rather than an onus. If my STBXAH wants to prove he's sober, he, too, should be acing the tests.
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Old 11-26-2016, 05:28 AM
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If this man were true sober, he would be compliant with the testing. End of story. Would be happy to "prove" to everyone that he is.

Instead, he is regularly looking for reason's not to, and making complaints that a 5 second test is somehow inconvenient. I call BS. Don't be fooled that he looked ok.

Remember, he is the one who got himself into this mess in the first place.. If he wasn't a knee walking drunk he wouldn't have to blow into a machine daily, if he hadn't relapsed before, there would not be these issues. As per typical A's when he misses tests - the blame goes to everyone else. "I would never have agreed to this" blah blah blah blah blah. He agreed to avoid the Courts, and to collect his paycheck from you.
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Old 11-26-2016, 03:39 PM
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i've been wondering, why do YOU pay him so much in alimony??? it seems like he has quite the history of taking advantage of you and not really having to suffer any consequences.
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Old 11-26-2016, 07:23 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
i've been wondering, why do YOU pay him so much in alimony??? it seems like he has quite the history of taking advantage of you and not really having to suffer any consequences.
Tell me about it. Our filing in the court was a full recount of his history of non-earning, including his suggestion that I get a second job (after my high-stress, 60+ hour a week job) if I was so worried about money. But the court looked at it and said, well, clearly this guy is going to take some time to get back on his feet.

So yeah. Basically between alimony and child support, they awarded him almost half the "marital" income - which was my income - for three years. I was furious. My attorney was smart enough to convince me to make it non-renewable in exchange for going for five years. I've got another two years of that. Then the figure will drop by about 30%.

If he's not in active recovery and gainfully employed by then, I don't see things ever getting better.
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Old 11-27-2016, 07:15 AM
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i fail to see where this "man" is motivated to do anything towards becoming self sufficient if he gets to live off your dime for another two years!? perhaps a man with a level of pride and self-respect....but your ex has neither. ugh.

and wait, you pay him child support? didn't you say you two pretty much share time?

whacky. remember you aren't dealing with normal. and act accordingly!
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Old 11-27-2016, 08:23 AM
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ALIMONY must continue after FIVE years??? Omg, what the hell kind of judge would rule that way??? Hopefully you can get SOLE custody once he relapses and at least cut out the child support????
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Old 11-27-2016, 11:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Refiner View Post
ALIMONY must continue after FIVE years???
She said she has two of the five years left to go on alimony. Not speaking to her situation, specifically, but five years is a hell of a lot better than indefinitely.

Listen, CoPtA and her lawyer negotiated what was in her best interest at the time, and it probably still is (five years vs. potential indefinite). She'll get through this. Let's try to stop ranting about her financial obligations toward him. It sounds like she has a good lawyer with whom she is working closely.
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Old 11-27-2016, 11:35 AM
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Originally Posted by Refiner View Post
ALIMONY must continue after FIVE years??? Omg, what the hell kind of judge would rule that way??? Hopefully you can get SOLE custody once he relapses and at least cut out the child support????
Alimony ends after five years, then it is just child support. Right now they are both rolled into a single unspecified support payment for tax purposes. But after 5 years it becomes child support which is my after tax dollars.

In our state, child support is a set percentage which is not tied to the time the kids spend at one house versus another. I could have argued for "offset support" which means the lower earning parent gets 30ish percent of the higher earner's income less 30ish percent of their own income. But because his income was basically nothing, that didn't do much good.

Maybe I would be able to reduce that in the event of sole custody but it's not a sure thing. And honestly I would be happier just paying it and knowing my kids were safe with me than threatening to take it away and have him fight for custody so he doesn't lose his meal ticket.

It's a bummer, but it's been long enough that I am more or less resigned to the reality of it. If given a choice to do it again, I would still decide to divorce and pay the monthly "tax" on my new life. The only thing that makes me a little sad is that I could not at this point choose to be a stay at home parent. Maybe someday.
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Old 11-27-2016, 11:36 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
She said she has two of the five years left to go on alimony. Not speaking to her situation, specifically, but five years is a hell of a lot better than indefinitely.

Listen, CoPtA and her lawyer negotiated what was in her best interest at the time, and it probably still is (five years vs. potential indefinite). She'll get through this. Let's try to stop ranting about her financial obligations toward him. It sounds like she has a good lawyer with whom she is working closely.
Exactly right. : )
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Old 11-27-2016, 11:58 AM
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understanding HOW the financial part plays in sheds additional light on how mucked up HIS behaviors are. at least for me.

in my own experience, once my ex (non-A) and i agreed to shared custody (every other week), child support was dropped. i "assumed" it would be like that everywhere.....the things you learn!

i still think he's a putz.
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Old 11-27-2016, 01:48 PM
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Wow I'm learning a lot. That sure is harsh in your state. I would probably choose not to ever marry if the state laws in my state were that harsh. Everything here is 50/50 including earning POTENTIAL which certainly does not last 5 years no matter which side you sit on in matrimony.
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Old 11-28-2016, 09:19 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
She said she has two of the five years left to go on alimony. Not speaking to her situation, specifically, but five years is a hell of a lot better than indefinitely.

Listen, CoPtA and her lawyer negotiated what was in her best interest at the time, and it probably still is (five years vs. potential indefinite). She'll get through this. Let's try to stop ranting about her financial obligations toward him. It sounds like she has a good lawyer with whom she is working closely.
Agree COMPLETELY. I was in a similar situation for years, and the constant "I can't believe you pay that" became very wearing after awhile. It is what it is, and once you have agreed to something, in most states it can be very difficult to change the dollars absent some huge change of circumstances. It was best for my mental health to just make the payments, knowing there was a foreseeable end.
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Old 11-28-2016, 11:51 AM
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Agree now that eyes are opened. Sorry, I am just so flabbergasted that ANY judge or law could ever rule this way seems SO unfair. I mean nothing about the payer, only about the unfair process to which they have to pay into. That just plain SUCKS.
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